I subscribe to a service through which reporters who are looking for information for their stories can find sources. Not long ago, a reporter posted the following query:
A reporter at a national publication is writing about the hell of heartbreak and is looking for people to interview who have experienced a romantic breakup or divorce and who have creative/unusual advice on how to get through the day-to-day emotional turmoil of it. If you’ve been through a breakup (as an adult), how did you deal with the emotional pain, especially in the very beginning? How did you distract yourself from your heartache? How did you keep yourself from calling or texting your former beloved? What advice would you give to someone else in the middle of a heartbreak?
Most of us are here on Lovefraud because we experienced the most devastating, heartrending breakups of all—those involving sociopaths.
Ours were not run-of-the-mill relationships where the ending was, “he’s just not into you.” Ours were not situations in which two people “just grew apart.” Ours were false relationships from the very beginning, in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.
Advice? Yes, I have advice.
First of all, if you were involved with a sociopath, NORMAL ADVICE DOESN’T WORK. Even though self-help gurus have sold millions of books, and even if your friends have been through many, many relationships, unless they, too, have been targeted by sociopaths, THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.
So, the first bit of advice is DON’T LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET IT.
Back to positive advice. What is the one thing you need to understand if you’ve been involved with a sociopath? IT’S NOT YOU!
Oh, the sociopath certainly told you that you were the problem, told you that you had problems, and even blamed you for his or her atrocious behavior. But that was all part of the manipulation. Sociopaths intentionally make you doubt yourself. Sometimes it’s to make you malleable so they can take advantage of you, sometimes it’s just for their own entertainment. If you’re feeling nuts, you are having a rational reaction to an insane situation, and your ex is the one causing the insanity.
Next you need to know that the relationship NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED. Although sociopaths lavishly proclaim their love, they’re lying. Sociopaths are incapable of love. But they have learned that if they mouth the words “I love you,” they can get what they want. And what they want is to exploit you.
If you’ve been involved with someone like this, there is nothing you could have done differently. Nothing would have made the situation better. The sociopath cannot be satisfied, and cannot change.
So how should you view your experience? DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Yes, really. The fact that you were mistreated had nothing to do with you or your behavior. It had everything to do with the fact that you were involved with a cruel, heartless sociopath.
If your ex didn’t do it to you, he or she would have done it to someone else. Why? Because that’s what they do.
Finally, YOU CAN RECOVER, BUT IT WILL TAKE TIME. This is not a normal breakup. It wasn’t only your heart that was broken. It was also your view of the world.
Give yourself time and permission to heal. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you, and embark on a program of NO CONTACT with the sociopath. Even though you pine for the individual, understand that you fell in love with a mirage, and what you’re feeling is residual addiction to the relationship.
Do not call. Do not text. Do not send email. The stronger your commitment to NO CONTACT, the faster you will mend.
Take positive steps. Find joy and happiness anywhere you can, and let them seep into the empty hole that was your heart. Eventually, your heart will fill up and you can try again—with much more wisdom than you had before.
Dear Sisterhood,
Darling I can relate to that, my egg donor smeared me to everyone in my church, extended family, and the neighbors and community and all our mutual friends.
YOu know though, through the years since she did this (summer of 2007) I have realized that these people really didn’t ever care for me on more than a very superficial level, or they would have known me better than to believe her.
The people who REALLY know me, who really CARE about me did not believe ONE WORD of the smear campaign. So what do I give a rat’s behind about what my second cousin twice removed that I see once or twice a year thinks about me? Heck, she doesn’t even know much about me, and really, doesn’t care…it is just gossip mostly…and in one ear and out the other most of the time because there’s nothing of substance between the ears to slow down the exit. LOL
I’d rather have one DIAMOND as a friend than to have a whole jar full of cut glass fake stones. QUALITY is much more important than quanity. I’ve just gotten rid of the faux diamonds in my jewel box of friends, I’ve only retained the genuine DIAMONDS.
If these other people want to load them selves down with fake gold chains and fake diamonds and strut around like they are “somebody” let them,, I’ll just keep my genuine diamond/friends that I know are real and let them strut around in their fake bling.
One Joy,
Lama Ole will be here in November too.
I did ask the group about psychopaths and karma because they said that everyone has enlightenment inside. They simply said that it takes some people many more lifetimes than others.
You were right that the meditation was hard work. but I did find it relaxing. I was able to stop thinking about spaths for about 30% of the time. It was the resonant chanting that did it.
Sister, since we can’t easily tell who is a good guy and who is a spath, it’s actually helpful to have the spath uncover this for us. Those who would believe evil about us, are projecting. Don’t be mad, be grateful that you have a method for seeing behind the mask of sanity.
Panther, thank you for your sweet words. Actually, I did see a man beating up his wife on the street once. I was with the trojan horse cop and my spath sis. I begged the trojan horse to go stop him and he wouldn’t so I began to walk toward the wife beater and I was going to stop him. All 115lbs (at the time) of me. Trojan horse and spath sis both carry guns BTW. When trojan horse saw me doing this he was humiliated in front of my spath sis. So he said, “OK, I’ll do it.” As he was walking toward the wife beater, he called 911 and made them think he was an officer under fire. Within 15 seconds there were 20 patrol cars surrounding the stupid wife beater. Spathy trojan horse complained that now he had to spend an hour writing a report. A bit later he got a medal and a promotion for going beyond the call of duty. sickening.
Anyway I digressed. I was just going to say, that I need to get past my rescuer complex because its dangerous.
Is it possible for spath to tell a certain someone the truth about their bad deeds? If so, is this when they feel they have earned their trust? I know they occasionally slip with us but this certain someone says they were open about everything. Why would spath totally reveal himself? My spath is actually more narsisstic than anything and bragged on his sexual conquests and the number of women he could keep up at a time.
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Sky-I think I am finally making progress in getting over my rescuer complex. I kinda feel like it’s all about me and absolutely no one is worth my attention if it causes me drama and emotionally drains me. I kinda learned this summer that you can’t rescue someone who doesn’t want to be rescued-and they’ve made it perfectly clear that like are satisfied with their insane pathetic existence. Just because I think that it is so sad that someone lives a certain way, and I pity them, that they enjoy living in their misery and they appear to love f*****g with your mind.
Sky, I am interested to hear how Buddhist practice and the Buddhist community will affect you. I began practicing a form of Buddhist meditation called vipassana when I was 23. I went to many long retreats over a period of several years, the longest being 3 months. It has given me such a unique perspective that is really difficult for me to describe. It awakened a spiritual side that has helped me greatly in my healing over the years. But I don’t think reading your and One’s post about it are an accident. I am feeling drawn to get back into a community of some sort. I may see if there are some Diamondway people in my area. I know there are other Buddhist groups here. I have shied away from it for so long, just because I’ve shied away from people in general due to my extreme sensitivity. But maybe there are other really sensitive people like me out there. Time to start looking.
I used to be a rescuer, too. It was part of my identity, growing up with narcissists. I had little sense of myself or my own needs except what I could do for others. In reaction to that, I became very selfish for a long time, focusing only on myself. I even became a bit entitled, feeling as though it was now MY turn, and people should help ME. There was a lot of anger involved in that. Nowadays I only help someone if I feel genuinely moved to do it and if I feel I have something specific to offer to them. I usually hear a tiny voice inside telling me to help that person. If someone is not open to me or can’t receive, I walk away. It doesn’t mean they or I are bad, it just means the timing or situation aren’t right for any kind of healing to occur (and I think it occurs both ways when you give genuinely). I am extremely fortunate that I can get paid (via massage practice) for helping people. This, to me, makes it a fair exchange. Getting a really good feeling from someone receiving my help can also feel like a fair exchange. But when I’m not doing these things, all my energy is focused on healing myself. I get up in the morning and ask myself “What would feel good for me to do today? Would I like a bath? Would I like some music? What would help me to keep myself open and feeling?” I am rescuing myself these days. God knows I need it after the life I’ve had and all the pain I’ve been through.
Stargazer, I just tried your technique: “What would feel good for me to do today?”
The answer: Chocolate. Lots of chocolate.
Hahaha!!!!
Panther, I get that answer a lot, too. lol
I’ve had some strange – and almost mystical experiences lately, and I’d love to get your take on it, anyone.
I had a very strange dream the other night. I dreamt about a building with 15 floors. (I think that image came from the movie Hangover 2, which I’d just seen). The very top floor had roof access in the dream. There were about 10 steps going up to the open roof. On top of the roof were all kinds of beautiful statues of angels or other figures. There may have even been a rooftop cemetery. It reminded me of a rooftop cemetery I’d once seen in Florence, Italy many years ago. It was beautiful. And not only was it beautiful, but in the dream, the rooftop area had a reputation for being a healing place. It was said that there is an angel who lives there, and all who visit that angel get healed. So naturally, I was very excited about going up there. I went up there and walked around. There were other people also walking around. I was looking for the angel but could not see her/him. I figured she/he was not in a physical form. As I was going back down the stairs, a wise woman who lived in the building stopped me. I asked her where the angel was. She said, “Don’t you know? YOU are the angel. YOU are the one everyone is coming to see. Didn’t you notice them following you up there?” I was shocked. Then I woke up. It was such a strange dream. I wonder if it has any significance. I don’t feel like I’m any kind of angel, but maybe we all are really angels here on earth doing battle with all the humanity here. Maybe that’s what the dream was trying to tell me.
A week prior to the dream I went to get a routine aura cleansing like I’ve done dozens of times over the years by the students at the healing institute down the street. I had walked over there and brought a friend with me. Sometimes they do it quietly, and sometimes they tell you what they see. (In the past they’ve usually seen very dark male figures with power issues choking off my ‘voice’. Or other forms of anger or heavy energies.) This time the lady was very quiet until the end. She told me that she saw something very beautiful in my aura. She got a vision of me looking in the mirror at myself completely unclothed, as if after a bath. I was just looking at myself exactly how I am without all of the ego trips, stories, and illusions. Just who I really am, with total self-acceptance. She said the vision was very beautiful and she felt honered to have seen it. She thought it was very powerful. Here eyes watered, and she seemed very excited, like she’d witnessed something very special. Again, I didn’t completely understand it, but I felt very good and light after the healing. I had gone in feeling blocked.
I don’t know what all this means, but I hope it’s something positive for me. I recently had to end with my therapist because our sessions were over. I got 12 free sessions through the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) at my work. She told me that she thought I was an extremely gentle and sensitive person – like an angel or a fairy – and that I was almost otherworldly. She thought perhaps I came from a different planet (!) She thought it sad that I’ve had so many really harsh people around me my whole life and still do. My therapist is not one of those airy-fairy people. She is very grounded and works in a very psychodynamic way, though she herself is extremely gentle, and I really like her. I had sessions where I hit pillows, cried, and talked about my past. So it was very odd hearing these words come out of her mouth.
I don’t feel like I’m special in any way, but I do feel very different from a lot of people and very lonely because of it. I have never really fit in to any group, whether it be a group of abuse survivors, meditators, or otherwise. I know there are just some people who are loners like me, and they have carved a niche for themselves. I hope I can do this too. Maybe it’s not a bad thing that I’m such a loner – maybe my life is meant for some higher purpose, once I lose all the attachments to security and money and my looks that keep me so bound?
Star,
I’m not sure how it will affect me. I need to get a better understanding of the philosophy.
There is a possibility that it has already affected me. Not sure, but yesterday was an emotional doozy for me. I wrote a long letter to a friend explaining the disfunction in my family. It was the first time I’ve forced myself to put it down in black and white. I think I traumatized both of us, her and me. But today, strangely, the trauma seems to be lifting and I feel like that part of me is healing. It’s exactly like Oxy described in her burn analogy. I cleaned it out and it hurt like hell, but it was a step forward.
I’m still blown away that I could have lived 45 years and be so unaware of all the evil that surrounded me, when it was right there in plain daylight, for me to see the whole time.