I subscribe to a service through which reporters who are looking for information for their stories can find sources. Not long ago, a reporter posted the following query:
A reporter at a national publication is writing about the hell of heartbreak and is looking for people to interview who have experienced a romantic breakup or divorce and who have creative/unusual advice on how to get through the day-to-day emotional turmoil of it. If you’ve been through a breakup (as an adult), how did you deal with the emotional pain, especially in the very beginning? How did you distract yourself from your heartache? How did you keep yourself from calling or texting your former beloved? What advice would you give to someone else in the middle of a heartbreak?
Most of us are here on Lovefraud because we experienced the most devastating, heartrending breakups of all—those involving sociopaths.
Ours were not run-of-the-mill relationships where the ending was, “he’s just not into you.” Ours were not situations in which two people “just grew apart.” Ours were false relationships from the very beginning, in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.
Advice? Yes, I have advice.
First of all, if you were involved with a sociopath, NORMAL ADVICE DOESN’T WORK. Even though self-help gurus have sold millions of books, and even if your friends have been through many, many relationships, unless they, too, have been targeted by sociopaths, THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.
So, the first bit of advice is DON’T LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET IT.
Back to positive advice. What is the one thing you need to understand if you’ve been involved with a sociopath? IT’S NOT YOU!
Oh, the sociopath certainly told you that you were the problem, told you that you had problems, and even blamed you for his or her atrocious behavior. But that was all part of the manipulation. Sociopaths intentionally make you doubt yourself. Sometimes it’s to make you malleable so they can take advantage of you, sometimes it’s just for their own entertainment. If you’re feeling nuts, you are having a rational reaction to an insane situation, and your ex is the one causing the insanity.
Next you need to know that the relationship NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED. Although sociopaths lavishly proclaim their love, they’re lying. Sociopaths are incapable of love. But they have learned that if they mouth the words “I love you,” they can get what they want. And what they want is to exploit you.
If you’ve been involved with someone like this, there is nothing you could have done differently. Nothing would have made the situation better. The sociopath cannot be satisfied, and cannot change.
So how should you view your experience? DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Yes, really. The fact that you were mistreated had nothing to do with you or your behavior. It had everything to do with the fact that you were involved with a cruel, heartless sociopath.
If your ex didn’t do it to you, he or she would have done it to someone else. Why? Because that’s what they do.
Finally, YOU CAN RECOVER, BUT IT WILL TAKE TIME. This is not a normal breakup. It wasn’t only your heart that was broken. It was also your view of the world.
Give yourself time and permission to heal. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you, and embark on a program of NO CONTACT with the sociopath. Even though you pine for the individual, understand that you fell in love with a mirage, and what you’re feeling is residual addiction to the relationship.
Do not call. Do not text. Do not send email. The stronger your commitment to NO CONTACT, the faster you will mend.
Take positive steps. Find joy and happiness anywhere you can, and let them seep into the empty hole that was your heart. Eventually, your heart will fill up and you can try again—with much more wisdom than you had before.
Star,
that’s what the HSP meetups are for!
http://highly-sensitive-people.meetup.com/
there’s two near your city and one that someone is trying to start very close to your neighborhood.
check it out.
Thanks, sky, I’ll check it out. I haven’t had great luck with meet-up groups in general. And once I tell people I like snakes, they back away about 5 steps.
Speaking of, I just did and educational thing with Veronica (my boa) at the State Park with kids today. There was another guy there with some giant snakes and other reptiles, so I hung out with him and we both did some education while the kids held the animals. We took tons of pictures and posted them on my reptile site just now. It was SO much fun, and Veronica did great!
Star-people back up 5 steps sometimes when I tell them I shoot guns too. BTW, I like the name Veronica for your snake. We had French names in high school in class and my friend’s was Veronique. It reminds me of that.
Lizzy:
Yes, I do notice that the symptoms have gotten much worse as I have gotten older. I think it’s because I was just able to deal with it better when I was younger. Everything is easier when we are younger.
Yep, just like Stargazer…I pick up everything that is going on around me. It’s a gift and a curse at the same time. The same with my photographic memory. It’s a gift, but a curse when you remember every single detail about things and remember every single date. I remember dates forever. Not always good when the dates are connected to unpleasant events.
Louise-you are are so right about that. I pick up everything that is going on around me-including other people’s emotions, like the site said. I have always done that. I did it with my dad and my friends and with my neighbor and she does it with me too. I can now pick up which ones of my friends have it and which ones don’t. It seems like I am the only one of my sibs that has it. My best friend has it too.
Liz,
I know that you are an empath and an HSP. But not all HSPs are empaths. Some, like your neighbor, decided that they could not bear the pain of feeling so much. Instead they decided to feel nothing. That’s a SPATH. It’s a CHOICE.
IMO, both have a basis in narcissism. What I mean is that they are both symptoms of trauma and the desire to stay infantile, emotionally. Genetically or by accident or design, each has been subjected to emotional pain that seemed overwhelming. Too much to handle. The decision on how to handle it, was what put you on the road you are on.
My spath had spinal meningitis as an infant. Maybe his brain was damaged, maybe he chose (as an infant) to survive by not feeling. His spath father let him scream in agony for 24 hours or more before he would take him to the hospital (his mom told me).
It is my belief that a person becomes either a spath or an empath because of their choice. But I’m not necessarily saying that their choice was even really their choice. It may have been inevitable. When you are an infant or a toddler, there are not too many options to choose from. Choose what you know (infancy) or choose the unknown: growth.
Sounds like the premise for a movie called “the matrix”.
How unoriginal.
Sky-so you really think that deciding not to feel so much automatically means spath? I don’t know and I am confused by it. She has told me that I need to toughen up and get a thicker skin, but I have other friends who definitely are NOT spaths tell me the same thing. I know that some of her behaviors are weird but I have such a hard time putting that label on her. I don’t know why.
All I do know is that I am spending time getting to know who I really am and getting to know my personality and learning to deal with it. I was looking at the Myers-Briggs personality types last night. I know that mine is ISFJ and when I actually looked at the profile explanation I can’t believe how it describes me PERFECTLY. I looked at the other profiles as well. I don’t know if you can label people without them taking the test or knowing what their profile is, but I find one called ISTJ right above mine and it COMPLETELY describes HER, and those two profiles tend to be strongly connected.
At least I know that being HSP is probably the reason why I am so utterly burned out and unable to take my career at this point. I am so overstimulated and I have issues with the noise in the ICU severely overstimulating me and frazzling my nerves. I also can’t take the smells of chemicals that are used to clean in the hospitals.
I started to get concerned with my new career that I am heading towards but I realized that my police captain friend is HSP as well-it is SO obvious and that’s probably what gravitated us to each other. HSPs can make great police officers-from what I’ve read and my Meyers Briggs profile is highly suited for it. It also states that nursing is a good career for me but the HSP makes it also hard me me to deal with the culture of nursing-the back-biting, backstabbing, mean spiritedness, and immature behavior. HSPs don’t tolerate that-it makes them want to run. All of this is SO interesting to me. I really cant wait til I can go back to school and study psychology. It’s such a perfect choice for me. And in the mean time, I am avoiding my neighbor. I just to not let my guard down. It’s hard to see her because the feelings come back-that jello knees feeling.
Liz,
Well spaths don’t feel emotions. At least not deeply. Even when they rage, it dissipates quickly.
But maybe that “decision” has to occur early in life for the numbness to be automatic. maybe your neighbor decided not to feel so much, as an adult.
All I can say is that everything you describe, made me think she is a narcissist. The fact that you are even attracted to her is a sign that she is N because those of us who have grown up with N’s are attracted to them.
Speaking of, how is Remy this morning?
Lizzy:
Yep, I pick up everyone’s emotions, too. I feel like I am taking on the world…no wonder I always feel dragged down by all of it. I try to turn it off and sometimes I am successful, but it’s tough to change. I guess the positive of it is that I am a wonderful listener…it is a gift so people do gravitate towards me and tell me that I comfort them. So I don’t really know what to make of it.