I subscribe to a service through which reporters who are looking for information for their stories can find sources. Not long ago, a reporter posted the following query:
A reporter at a national publication is writing about the hell of heartbreak and is looking for people to interview who have experienced a romantic breakup or divorce and who have creative/unusual advice on how to get through the day-to-day emotional turmoil of it. If you’ve been through a breakup (as an adult), how did you deal with the emotional pain, especially in the very beginning? How did you distract yourself from your heartache? How did you keep yourself from calling or texting your former beloved? What advice would you give to someone else in the middle of a heartbreak?
Most of us are here on Lovefraud because we experienced the most devastating, heartrending breakups of all—those involving sociopaths.
Ours were not run-of-the-mill relationships where the ending was, “he’s just not into you.” Ours were not situations in which two people “just grew apart.” Ours were false relationships from the very beginning, in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.
Advice? Yes, I have advice.
First of all, if you were involved with a sociopath, NORMAL ADVICE DOESN’T WORK. Even though self-help gurus have sold millions of books, and even if your friends have been through many, many relationships, unless they, too, have been targeted by sociopaths, THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.
So, the first bit of advice is DON’T LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET IT.
Back to positive advice. What is the one thing you need to understand if you’ve been involved with a sociopath? IT’S NOT YOU!
Oh, the sociopath certainly told you that you were the problem, told you that you had problems, and even blamed you for his or her atrocious behavior. But that was all part of the manipulation. Sociopaths intentionally make you doubt yourself. Sometimes it’s to make you malleable so they can take advantage of you, sometimes it’s just for their own entertainment. If you’re feeling nuts, you are having a rational reaction to an insane situation, and your ex is the one causing the insanity.
Next you need to know that the relationship NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED. Although sociopaths lavishly proclaim their love, they’re lying. Sociopaths are incapable of love. But they have learned that if they mouth the words “I love you,” they can get what they want. And what they want is to exploit you.
If you’ve been involved with someone like this, there is nothing you could have done differently. Nothing would have made the situation better. The sociopath cannot be satisfied, and cannot change.
So how should you view your experience? DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Yes, really. The fact that you were mistreated had nothing to do with you or your behavior. It had everything to do with the fact that you were involved with a cruel, heartless sociopath.
If your ex didn’t do it to you, he or she would have done it to someone else. Why? Because that’s what they do.
Finally, YOU CAN RECOVER, BUT IT WILL TAKE TIME. This is not a normal breakup. It wasn’t only your heart that was broken. It was also your view of the world.
Give yourself time and permission to heal. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you, and embark on a program of NO CONTACT with the sociopath. Even though you pine for the individual, understand that you fell in love with a mirage, and what you’re feeling is residual addiction to the relationship.
Do not call. Do not text. Do not send email. The stronger your commitment to NO CONTACT, the faster you will mend.
Take positive steps. Find joy and happiness anywhere you can, and let them seep into the empty hole that was your heart. Eventually, your heart will fill up and you can try again—with much more wisdom than you had before.
Kitten and all – I’m so glad that Lovefraud is helping you. The community of sharing and support here is wonderful.
Good article Donna! I read it yesterday and despite reading it I was “lured” into a discussion about the spath by an old friend. Hmmm and I really do try not to speak about him anymore to anyone. My friends reaction was disturbing and kept me up most of the night thinking about his response. My friend is a smart direct kind of guy so I do put some stock into what he says. In a nutshell he said “I’ve heard you complaining about this guy for over a year it’s time to get over it and move on with your life. He is gone and now he exists only in your head” Well this kind of stunned me. I tried to explain about jr. And that he would not just go away. He will without much thought or effort continue to screw with me through the legal system, because he can. He will continue until he is faced with consequences or realizes it won’t work anymore. His response was he will eventually go away and lose interest. He doesn’t care and you are concerned and upset about things that are just in your head. Well I thought about my friends response long and hard and had to really ask myself… Is this in my head? Is he really gone? Can I let go and move forward without being afraid? I can’t answer those questions… I dont know. Is he really still a threat? I’m left at a loss feeling crazy all over again. Im still not working with a full deck however despite it all I am proud of how far I’ve come. There is still allot of work left to rebuilding my life… But now I am feeling crazy and paranoid all over again…questioning is this real? Wtf!
I understand the reason for no contact! But why is it so HARD???? This person prey on women thru personal ads. I want the WORLD TO KNOW!!! And I want to try to stop them from doing it to someone else! I also want to make their life HELL!
What is wrong with me????
coping – #1 your friend does not understand pyschopathy nor the affect of being involved with one of them.
#2 i think it is good to answer these questions now that they have been asked, IF they are valid. so, you need to figure out if they are. first consider the source: Does he understand s/p/n (no). Has he had this experience (no). Why is HE frustrated with your rate of healing? What are his motives for pushing you? Is he you? Is he living your life? Is his idea of your healing more important than what you know about this healing arc?
#3 evaluate your physical, legal and emotional safety. Where it was before, where it is now, and where you would like it to be. If there is variation between where it is now and where you want it to be, then you have evidence that you may not be as safe as he things you are/ or should feel.
#4 ‘only in your head’ – is meant to denigrate your experience. ‘In your head’ matters. it matters to all of us. it’s the thing we are left to work with after all else is said and done.
#5 don’t go with stuff that makes you feel more paranoid and crazy – that’s usually the wrong direction.
#6 not so sure he’s a very good friend.
#7 come back to yourself, and be where you are in your healing.
xo one joy
Destinbyf8 – most of us feel this way when we realize what has happened to us. You are talking about a normal and natural response to sociopaths. Please do some reading and writing here and read some of the books shown on this site – it will make sense in time and you will understand and heal. Take care.
I would write more, but i have to go to work. Others will respond. hang in there.
Coping,
Your objective needs to be to get to the point where you no longer have any emotional attachment to him or the situation, even as you consider to deal with jr. When the ex does something to annoy you, or try to use the legal system to manipulate you, you want to get to the point where you have no emotional reaction. Your reactions should just be rolling your eyes and saying, “Oh, there he goes again.”
You are on your way, but it does take time to get to that place. If you’re still reacting, that’s ok – just don’t let the ex know it. Keep releasing the anger and tears in private when he does something, so that you can be cool and calm when you have to deal with him. Eventually, his actions will cause no emotional charge for you at all.
And guess what – if the ex is no longer getting an emotional reaction, he may actually lose interest and let you alone.
Hang in there.
Thank god for you, you all, we are not alone. I think it is best, just to cry it all out, till we cannot cry anymore. Hopefully, karma will work out there futures for them, and we can stand tall, we all know we did or best, treated them so well, and they are just monsters, like you said. cruel monsters. love to you all. thanks for being here.
blondblueeyes wrote,
“in the end, I let the women he ran to for money, know what he was up to as I felt so used [] he ran to his money tree to keep him with his main love the pokies [] My mother says, he thought I was nagging, trying to control him, really you wanted to help him with his addiction [ ] This woman he has run to is feeding his addiction, [ ] he will never be able to leave her, she is every thing he didn’t want in a woman, but is his money tree. He will never be happy”
OneBeliever is correct with, “The money tree is also a victim here by the way [] We were together for about two months before he left his wife. Once they were split, he wanted to continue our lies to his kids, to his parents, grandparents, sister, my family. I wasn’t having it. He cheated on me too. And then he cheated on the one he cheated on me with. See the pattern here”
It IS a PATTERN..they ALL do it. Mine was the SAME WAY..had his sisters and mother believing his lies too, if not COVERING for him. Mine also ran to a “money tree” .. what was uglier was that he didn’t leave me UNTIL he’d begun his affair with her..ONE YEAR BEFORE, meanwhile kept up with the I LOVE YOUs. Nervier of him was to try to surreptitiously get my unknowing “permission” to date her. He asked me, WHILE IN BED WITH ME, “do you think she’s the type of person who complains too much?”..as if I was supposed to “deem” whether she was date-worthy or not! The gall!
Well..guess what? If he thought YOU were nagging, just wait until the (probably greedy “Money Tree” starts nagging him, because if she was willing to take him off your hands (desperate, she sounds like), then she, too, might be a spath, and might CRACK THE WHIP ON HIM even harder than he thought you did (nag? Ha ha..he hasn’t even BEGUN to see HER nagging yet!) Think about it”
And did Ms. Money Tree actually listen to you? The next woman after me didn’t..wouldn’t, and I WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE TO WARN HER. She had more greed in her than I could ever imagine any woman having. I noticed the things in her home, too..one room FULL of Barbie dolls in boxes..seemed much like a hoarder, to me. And if he thought MY home had kitch..ha ha..hers was FULL of it. Wait until she discovers he knows not on what side of the political fence to sit..that he was listening to the DR. LAURA show when living with me..as if he wanted to suddenly see that after almost a decade living with me, that he was “suddenly” living in sin. Ha ha. And Ms. Money tree once invited us to her party celebrating Bill Clinton’s inauguration, so it would seem like she’s a died-in-the-wool democrat, but that political persuasion doesn’t “square” with listening to the Dr. Laura show, does it?
take care,
Zim
Thank you Donna and One joy-
Donna- yes no emotional reaction is what I ultimately am working on. It will take time, patience and work. Since we have nc emotional reactions are something he does not see. He no longer can derive pleasure from my pain.
One joy- I will carefully think about your points as I feel they are valid.”in my head does matter” it’s the only head I have. Got to keep it as clear as possible.
As ox and others like to refer to this process as peeling the layers of an onion all I can say is I hope this will ultimately be worth the pain and I will come out a better/stronger person because of it. Regarless I don’t have much of a choice in the matter….
IDE rather be an apple. Simple, hard in the outside, sweet and soft on the inside. No such luck… Onion it is! 🙂
Thank you LF!!
coping wrote, “IDE rather be an apple. Simple, hard in the outside, sweet and soft on the inside” …
I’ve become like a SABRA..a prickly pear..prickly on he outside, sweet on the inside. My time on a kibbutz in my youth, that taught me a lot. Now I just have to recall those times..get that “core” back again..I just about have. Remember when you were STRONGER..gather THAT strength again. Those early times for me also help me through these awful economic times we all have. Those times helped me cope with “less” financially, when EVERYONE in that environment had “less” .. sort of like the strength that Peace Corps workers get..they NEVER forget their experience and what made them strong..built them.
Zim