I subscribe to a service through which reporters who are looking for information for their stories can find sources. Not long ago, a reporter posted the following query:
A reporter at a national publication is writing about the hell of heartbreak and is looking for people to interview who have experienced a romantic breakup or divorce and who have creative/unusual advice on how to get through the day-to-day emotional turmoil of it. If you’ve been through a breakup (as an adult), how did you deal with the emotional pain, especially in the very beginning? How did you distract yourself from your heartache? How did you keep yourself from calling or texting your former beloved? What advice would you give to someone else in the middle of a heartbreak?
Most of us are here on Lovefraud because we experienced the most devastating, heartrending breakups of all—those involving sociopaths.
Ours were not run-of-the-mill relationships where the ending was, “he’s just not into you.” Ours were not situations in which two people “just grew apart.” Ours were false relationships from the very beginning, in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.
Advice? Yes, I have advice.
First of all, if you were involved with a sociopath, NORMAL ADVICE DOESN’T WORK. Even though self-help gurus have sold millions of books, and even if your friends have been through many, many relationships, unless they, too, have been targeted by sociopaths, THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.
So, the first bit of advice is DON’T LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET IT.
Back to positive advice. What is the one thing you need to understand if you’ve been involved with a sociopath? IT’S NOT YOU!
Oh, the sociopath certainly told you that you were the problem, told you that you had problems, and even blamed you for his or her atrocious behavior. But that was all part of the manipulation. Sociopaths intentionally make you doubt yourself. Sometimes it’s to make you malleable so they can take advantage of you, sometimes it’s just for their own entertainment. If you’re feeling nuts, you are having a rational reaction to an insane situation, and your ex is the one causing the insanity.
Next you need to know that the relationship NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED. Although sociopaths lavishly proclaim their love, they’re lying. Sociopaths are incapable of love. But they have learned that if they mouth the words “I love you,” they can get what they want. And what they want is to exploit you.
If you’ve been involved with someone like this, there is nothing you could have done differently. Nothing would have made the situation better. The sociopath cannot be satisfied, and cannot change.
So how should you view your experience? DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Yes, really. The fact that you were mistreated had nothing to do with you or your behavior. It had everything to do with the fact that you were involved with a cruel, heartless sociopath.
If your ex didn’t do it to you, he or she would have done it to someone else. Why? Because that’s what they do.
Finally, YOU CAN RECOVER, BUT IT WILL TAKE TIME. This is not a normal breakup. It wasn’t only your heart that was broken. It was also your view of the world.
Give yourself time and permission to heal. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you, and embark on a program of NO CONTACT with the sociopath. Even though you pine for the individual, understand that you fell in love with a mirage, and what you’re feeling is residual addiction to the relationship.
Do not call. Do not text. Do not send email. The stronger your commitment to NO CONTACT, the faster you will mend.
Take positive steps. Find joy and happiness anywhere you can, and let them seep into the empty hole that was your heart. Eventually, your heart will fill up and you can try again—with much more wisdom than you had before.
Hi Donna, I have been visiting your site for 2 plus years now, and would like to thank you and your readers for all your advice. Before I became involved with my S-path, I was a normal guy with a normal way of thinking about relationships. Since then, my whole world has turned upside down. Many of the values and beliefs I had were totally destroyed by her. Every evil thing she did became forgivable. She has all the classic moral traits of an S-path and not only that, she was as beautiful as they come, and very sexual. The kinda girl every guy wants. I was involved with my S-Path for 6 years. I was forewarned about her, but pursued her anyway, thinking that I could control the situatiuon. How very wrong I was!!! Even after we broke up she still tried to control me by having sex with me once a week, while going after a sugar Daddy all the while. It took me a year to be able not to have any more contact with her. That was a year ago. But, I did stay in touch with her kids up until recently because they needed my help and friendship, which again was a lie because they proved to be all users. Her sons knew I was I in love (lust) with her and used it for their gain by telling me she wants me back so to get them what she won’t. It really does run in families. So it’s been 2 months of no contact whatsoever, and and I am finally starting to believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Every time I read your blog, I see myself in those very lines and try to remember “” IT WASN’T ME ” I am not crazy.. Remember everyone NO CONTACT thanks for letting me vent. Gary
..and if he wasn’t listening to Dr. Laura he was listening to Rush Limbaugh. Oh God..GAG ME WITH A LADLE! Nothing like a FAKE BIBLE THUMPER SPATH to make one wretch. Aren’t those the ones most often spathing folks, these days..the RELIGIOUS PRETENDERS, or those with the WORST whore-madonna complexes..the WORSE double-standards on our green planet?
Zim
An ex friend of ex spath has been contacting me. Now he wants to date and now he wants to tell me all the bad things spath did throughout the situation. The women the lies and how he even stated his goal was to ruin me from the beginning. Friend here never said anything he even helped confirm the lies how dare he come forth with info now that he wants to date me. it makes me sick. To hear him say he didn’t treat his ex this way he was so good to her. How was he better to her than with me. When we first split he was saying that he did wrong but he loved me. I know it was never love. But now he says that he didn’t love me and it was all a game. What is friends motive?
Recovering,
his motive is to finish you off.
He is a spath and looking for prey. Since you have proven to be gullible before, he is assuming he can play you again.
gcs22 – thanks Gary – yes, sounds like you ran into a whole family of users – sociopathy is genetic so it makes perfect sense. You are right to cut them all out of your life. now you can move forward.
Recovering- I’m with skylar. Friend is a jerk and just as toxic. Furthermore contact with friend will only create a link between you and ex. Stay clear of friend. Its so hard to get rid of them. They keep popping up like wild mushrooms.
I’m new here and have read a lot of blogs and posts in the past few weeks.
I have a problem which I find really hard to overcome in recovering. It is this: I have been married to and have children with my ex (psychopath/narcissist – not sure exactly what fits his descriptionn but he sure fits a lot of the descriptiions I have read here), so I cannot go “no contact” with him, as much as my whole body urges me to do so, I have to be in contact because of our children. In fact I would ignore every text, email etc that is sent to me and run a mile.
He is highly manipulative. He has not engaged in criminal activity but would be more of a “wheeler dealer” and got into high positions in companies and made a lot of money…. etc. He knows exactly where to draw the line, so I could not say he stalks me or harasses me, not even in his texts or emails which are very subtle. He is very manipulative.
The point being I do not have evidence to prove him “bad”, and therefore he has to see his children. No court on the land will stop this. He is using the children as a means to keep contact with me. If anything he could make me look like the crazy one. I have read posts here about people blocking their ears and not being able to listen anymore to their partners. Well I have felt and been in a similar situation. In fact I felt he drove me to the brink of insanity.
So my question is: how to you deal with your ex when you have to have contact with them because you have children together? I really feel at the end of my tether. I definitely agree that most people dont get it and am coming here to seek advice.
Is there anyone in this position and can they please help me?
BTW we are not yet officially divorced and so there are no court orders etc in place yet. That is something I am working on.
Pathtofreedom –
We have a lot of info here for people in your situation. Read the articles in the “Sociopaths and family” category – the link is on the left.
Also, I suggest that as you go through the divorce, you get the judge to order that all communication goes through “Our Family Wizard.” More info is here:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/03/15/our-family-wizard-can-help-you-co-parent-with-a-sociopath/
Recovering,
Be very careful of this friend. No one in their right mind would want to sit down and break it down to a spath’s victim. Does’t sound like a friend to either you or his spath friend. He or she is a double crosser already. How can you trust?
GSC22,
For some odd reason I thought the blonde’s money tree was with the guy first. However, my point is you can NEVER believe anything he says about any of the other women in his life whether you are part of his betrayal or the betrayed. My spath became a trusted colleague and then a trusted friend who shared that he and his wife enjoyed an
open-marriage before my one weak moment with him, believing his crazy stories and actually feeling sorry for him – became almost three years of hell. He also told me his wife then ex-wife was a lesbian and did couples all the time behind his back when they had agreed to full disclosure before they went on any sexual adventures without the other.
Sounds crazy now, right? Sounds insane to me now too. You have no idea how totally believable this all sounded coming from him.
Now I know. He is a professional liar. Really. He practices lieing like a professional athlete would practice throwing a ball. He trains. He lies to everyone he can to test the water. There is no one that I know of who he didn’t lie to while we were together. No one.
He told the next blond the same thing about me- lesbian, cheated – only instead of depression like the ex-wife, my story was enhanced so it was coupled with alcoholism and lies about the way I treated his children. Plus he said I was a Republican Tea Partier, which is nuts.
He was the first and only taken man I’d ever been with after 38 years of being highly ethical and totally against that sort of thing.
He took that from me too. My integrity, the most important of all the things I earned in my life.
Now I promise to always have another woman’s back even if I don’t know her. Sticking true to myself on that personal philosophy would have worked out a lot better for me. The one time I believed the lies, the one time and I pay for it daily. I have a hard time forgiving myself sometimes for this. I always knew better. I’ve been around thousands of these people. Before him, I could always spot them and cut them off before any damage was done. My what happens here, stays here hometown slogan attracts them like roaches love beer.
OneBeliever
Dear Pathtofreedom,
Welcome to LF, sorry you need to be here, though.
There are several parents here who must Co-Parent with a psychopath and yes, they do use the kids as a weapon to keep in contact and to club you over the head with.
There is a web site called FAMILY WIZARD (there is ann article here about it) in which the parents communicate about parenting issues over this, which can be court ordered as the ONLY means of communication and it is time/date stamped etc.
IN the meantime, I would communicate with him ONLY by e mail, or text message, and don’t answer your phone, make him leave a voice mail and keep COPIES OF ALL INTERACTIONS…so if he calls, TEXT or E MAIL him back your answer.
If your kids are not old enough to meet him outside your door (with it closed) then have a friend or family member take the kids to meet him, so that you do not have to see him or talk to him. That is about as close to NC as you are going to get.
He may start to use your kids to deliver messages (if they are old enough) “Tell Mommy I said she is acting badly”–get a small digital recorder to keep in your pocket to record these conversations as well.
Any communication about the divorce should be via your attorney, never directly to him.
Keep your kids out of it as much as possible, don’t let them know any of the details of the settlement or divorce. Kids will come home with lines like “my daddy paid for this house but he can’t live here because of you.”
He may also try to use the visitation and/or custody of the children as a weapon against you. Keep your cool, because if he can keep you “upset” or “in the spin cycle” all the time you will not think as well. Good luck and God bless.
Start reading here, read every article in the archives, start with the “what is a psychopath” and then read all the ones in each category (save all the old comments for after you’ve read all the archived articles) Keep your chin up, you are not alone!