I subscribe to a service through which reporters who are looking for information for their stories can find sources. Not long ago, a reporter posted the following query:
A reporter at a national publication is writing about the hell of heartbreak and is looking for people to interview who have experienced a romantic breakup or divorce and who have creative/unusual advice on how to get through the day-to-day emotional turmoil of it. If you’ve been through a breakup (as an adult), how did you deal with the emotional pain, especially in the very beginning? How did you distract yourself from your heartache? How did you keep yourself from calling or texting your former beloved? What advice would you give to someone else in the middle of a heartbreak?
Most of us are here on Lovefraud because we experienced the most devastating, heartrending breakups of all—those involving sociopaths.
Ours were not run-of-the-mill relationships where the ending was, “he’s just not into you.” Ours were not situations in which two people “just grew apart.” Ours were false relationships from the very beginning, in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.
Advice? Yes, I have advice.
First of all, if you were involved with a sociopath, NORMAL ADVICE DOESN’T WORK. Even though self-help gurus have sold millions of books, and even if your friends have been through many, many relationships, unless they, too, have been targeted by sociopaths, THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.
So, the first bit of advice is DON’T LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET IT.
Back to positive advice. What is the one thing you need to understand if you’ve been involved with a sociopath? IT’S NOT YOU!
Oh, the sociopath certainly told you that you were the problem, told you that you had problems, and even blamed you for his or her atrocious behavior. But that was all part of the manipulation. Sociopaths intentionally make you doubt yourself. Sometimes it’s to make you malleable so they can take advantage of you, sometimes it’s just for their own entertainment. If you’re feeling nuts, you are having a rational reaction to an insane situation, and your ex is the one causing the insanity.
Next you need to know that the relationship NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED. Although sociopaths lavishly proclaim their love, they’re lying. Sociopaths are incapable of love. But they have learned that if they mouth the words “I love you,” they can get what they want. And what they want is to exploit you.
If you’ve been involved with someone like this, there is nothing you could have done differently. Nothing would have made the situation better. The sociopath cannot be satisfied, and cannot change.
So how should you view your experience? DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Yes, really. The fact that you were mistreated had nothing to do with you or your behavior. It had everything to do with the fact that you were involved with a cruel, heartless sociopath.
If your ex didn’t do it to you, he or she would have done it to someone else. Why? Because that’s what they do.
Finally, YOU CAN RECOVER, BUT IT WILL TAKE TIME. This is not a normal breakup. It wasn’t only your heart that was broken. It was also your view of the world.
Give yourself time and permission to heal. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you, and embark on a program of NO CONTACT with the sociopath. Even though you pine for the individual, understand that you fell in love with a mirage, and what you’re feeling is residual addiction to the relationship.
Do not call. Do not text. Do not send email. The stronger your commitment to NO CONTACT, the faster you will mend.
Take positive steps. Find joy and happiness anywhere you can, and let them seep into the empty hole that was your heart. Eventually, your heart will fill up and you can try again—with much more wisdom than you had before.
Gary, Recovering and OneBelliever, We were all posting over each other…welcome to you all.
PathToFreedom, I have been in a similar situation. After being together 11 years, I learned 15 months ago that my spath was seeing another woman. I, too, could not avoid contact, as he was my boss. Until July, I was forced to go to work every day, see him, and cooperate with him, regardless of his manipulations, head games, and lies. It wasn’t until this past April that I learned what a sociopath was and that was only by chance. I received an email from a work-related website discussing “The Sociopath Next Door” and how your manager might well be one. I started researching and learned, to my horror, that it was a perfect description of my husband. One day I actually told him he was one, and he confirmed that years ago he had been diagnosed with sociopathic tendencies !! It was one thing to think it; totally another to have it confirmed. I was stunned but also relieved that finally some pieces of the puzzle could be put together.
We moved to this location 2.5 years ago to advance my spath’s career (mine was put on hold to do so). We are in the same field and, since there were no other jobs available, I went to work for him. There was drama in the office surrounding our divorce and he was demoted in February. As can be expected, I received no understanding from management, who then named my spath’s drinking buddy as my manager, despite three meetings I had with upper management begging they choose somebody else. My spath moved away in July, but returns every few weeks as a consultant. I subsequently learned that my new manager is a narcissist – lucky me; I had to deal with 2 of them. This boss managed to charm everybody around him and fabricated reports of me. The majority of reported events were not true, and those that were had such a slant to them that it made my look horrible instead of the loyal, hard-working employee that I actually am. (Why didn’t upper management wonder how/why my performance reviews decreased dramatically once the divorce papers were filed, and why didn’t they wonder why I was receiving warnings from my new boss, when I had begged for a different manager?) I was offered a severance package two weeks ago and now I am out of a job. I’m 58, have no funds except the meager severance (like many others here, I managed to be bilked out of all my money by my spath), and no retirement. I need to move as there is no other employment available and that will eat up all the severance. Since this is a second marriage for me, the divorce court is not likely to be willing to assist me much. In this job recession, I’m not too hopeful in finding a job before the money I have is gone.
I’ve always been a strong person, until him, and I’ve been working on finding myself again over these months. I’ve read all the recommended books, and more, as well. The benefits to this experience is I’ve learned who I am and what I want, I’ve regained my confidence, and I now have a relationship with God, who has been with me this past year in so many ways that I cannot begin to count.
I found this site several months ago and have recommended it to my therapist and my pastor. To all of you here, thank you for your time and your help. You are all amazing.
PathToFreedom, I don’t have any help for you. I’m sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I know exactly what you are going through. I am not yet divorced, either, and I am about to go into mediation with him, so he is not out of the picture yet. I was always a financially responsible person before him, and now I am broke, struggling, and wondering which way to turn. It seems that daily I make a decision about what to do and the next day, that door is closed and I need to start over again trying to come up with a new solution.
Donna, your summary is excellent. Yes, it is a (very) broken heart and a changed view of the world. I would just like to add that for myself, and I believe many of us, there are financial losses that we would never have believed could happen, as well as a legal system that is not sympathetic to our situation. Hard enough to move forward after losing the “love of your life”, but to try to do so with enormous debt and no money makes it all the more difficult.
pathtofreedom,
psychopaths feed on emotions. your task is to starve him of your emotions. Don’t give him any.
Just because he is a subtle psychopath who has learned to get you to react with subtle manipulations rather than overt violence, doesn’t mean that he is any different than a violent psychopath. They have the same goal: our emotions and the drama from it.
We have a term, “gray rock”, which means that during any contact you have with the spath, you behave in the most boring way possible. Be completely non-reactive, show no opinion, indicate no preference. Dress as drably as possible, wear gray, no makeup, don’t wear anything shiny. Spaths can’t stand to be bored, they run away from boring people. They need constant stimulation and depriving them of it is painful to them. Conversation should be minimal. Answer questions with, “I don’t know, I’m not sure, it doesn’t matter, I guess, not really, I can’t decide.”
Never allow him to know what you value, what your goals are, what you want in life.
Don’t let him know when you are happy, either directly or through the grapevine. Keep all shiny and new things hidden.
If done correctly, gray rock should make him go away and lose interest in you. You won’t have to live like that forever, but the more you bore him, the sooner he will go away.
Thank you Donna and Ox Drover for your replies.
I dont live in the US, so I dont think I could use FAMILY WIZARD as a means to co-parent with him. I am still so scared of him I dont even want to say what country I live in as I am always afraid he will find me on a website such as this. So I am not sure if it is used in my country. No-one has mentioned this to me yet (as in my attorney or my domestic violence counsellor – and I just want to point out I was never physically abused , it was all psychological).
However my attorney has him pegged and realizes how manipulative he is and has even said “he is so manipulative he will try to manipulate everyone from the Judge down”, plus she has said that she would not be surprised if he goes for full custody as a means to get at me, even though he isn’t really interested.
I have gone through a lot of PTSD symptoms, which included panic attacks and nightmares. Most of this consisted of waking up nightly after I left and remembering lie after lie after lie and realizing that the whole M was based on a lie. I have no idea if he ever had an affair, but nothing would surprise me now.
The children are very young and I never say a bad word about their father, in fact I tell them that he loves them (although unfortunately I have heard back once that daddy told them I dont not love them – I document this kind of thing). He already has a lot of access and is trying to get more access to the children. So I know I have a tough road ahead of me and is using the children. I know I am still his “main target”.
He does already lavish the children with gifts.
He also plays the role of victim very well to other people. But again is very subtle in this. I have heard nothing back about me that is terrible, but enough to know what way he has spun the story.
I do keep all contact to email and text and make copies of everything. I never answer his calls.
And when I have to meet him to collect the children I bring someone with me so that he cant try to start a conversation with me as he tries to do this in front of the children and if I walk away the children are left baffled wondering why i wont talk to daddy. He is very good at manipulating even these situations to make mommy look the bad one.
I would never dream of saying anything about the divorce to the children, but I will not be surprsied if he does. If not now, then later.
Anyway I am feeling deflated and to be quite frank scared. I have to meet him soon. It is unavoidable. I am going to bring someone with me. And i have a horrible feeling of dread building up inside me at the thought of this meeting. It is then when I would fear I would loose my cool when what I really want to do is show no emotion and remain detached.
I feel lost. But I am glad I have found people who understand. I would wish that he didn’t show such an “interest” in our children. I know its all fake. I dont think the man is capable of love. Unfortunately I did not listen to the advice of my father many years ago who sat me down and told me that he was not capable of love or empathy. He saw right through him. Its a bit late now 🙁
Thank you so much for you comments.
Skylar
Thanks for your post. I found that really helpful. It’s exactly the type of info I needed to read as i have to meet him soon.
Im new, I’m guessing we can’t share names of our ex with the community to save others from the experience…can we?
How about initials? BY
PathtoFreedom,
glad to help.
Here’s an irony for you: psychopaths WANT us to be happy.
My spath told me this many times, after I left him. It was one of those few times when a spath tells the truth, only because it misleads you into believing another lie.
Spaths really really want us to be happy because when they destroy our happiness, we will have further to fall. That’s the part my spath left out. Fortunately for me, he had previously told me -in a different sociopathic tell – that when he wants revenge, he first likes to make his victim really, really happy, that way they will have further to fall. This is classic spath and it’s called “putting us on a pedestal”.
Whatever the circumstances and details of your relationshit with the spath are, it all boils down to the pedestal. You can deprive him of that by using a spath trick and turning it back on him: avoid the pedestal and use the pity ploy. Just come across as pathetic and pitiful – try to keep from cracking up as you do so. Let your lawyer be the tough guy and speak for you and make decisions for you.
I made the mistake of seeing him this weekend. He conned me into it by telling me and my daughter that his Mother was in town for the weekend and she wanted to see us. My daughter and I both love his Mother very much and although she is not my daughter’s biological G-ma she has always treated her as such. His parents are the best people you can imagine but the 2 kids they produced, he and his spath sister are the worst lying, parasite, manipulators imaginable! I feel so sorry for his parents because they are two classic, blinded enablers. It really makes me want to scream but who am I to judge, I was a believer in the beginning too and I know my X never shows his true side to his Mother.
Anyway my point is, I broke the NC rule and now I have spiraled into such a deep and angry depression. He lied to me again, he manipulated me again, and then he orchestrated a solid punch in the face announcement that he knew would hurt me and ladies and gentlemen I LET HIM DO IT! Sometimes I think I must be a masocist right? I must like this pain I let him cause? I spent a lousey 5-6 hours in his presence 3 days ago and it has ruined me ever since. Ladies and gentlemen we do it to ourselves when we allow them to suck us back into their games. I know it is hard to do but we just have to stay away and if we are forced into a situation, we have to become someone else. PathToFreedom, think of the biggest bitch you have ever encountered in your life and be her for the hours you have to spend with him. Give him nothing of your true self. I like to think of myself as the evil queen from snow white (childish I know but effective) wrap your black witch’s cape around yourself and hiss at him. Make him feel a little of your power for a change.
Ivory,
any drama will feed him. It’s what he wants. I highly recommend against being a bitch because it shows him that you give a flying f**k.
As contrary as it may seem, not caring is THE WORST THING you can do to him. That is what hurts him the most. Being apathetic to his existence makes him feel like he is dying.
Spaths feel that they only exist when they are getting attention. In other words, they only exist in other people’s minds. Acting as if he doesn’t exist or as if he lacks importance is what kills him.