I subscribe to a service through which reporters who are looking for information for their stories can find sources. Not long ago, a reporter posted the following query:
A reporter at a national publication is writing about the hell of heartbreak and is looking for people to interview who have experienced a romantic breakup or divorce and who have creative/unusual advice on how to get through the day-to-day emotional turmoil of it. If you’ve been through a breakup (as an adult), how did you deal with the emotional pain, especially in the very beginning? How did you distract yourself from your heartache? How did you keep yourself from calling or texting your former beloved? What advice would you give to someone else in the middle of a heartbreak?
Most of us are here on Lovefraud because we experienced the most devastating, heartrending breakups of all—those involving sociopaths.
Ours were not run-of-the-mill relationships where the ending was, “he’s just not into you.” Ours were not situations in which two people “just grew apart.” Ours were false relationships from the very beginning, in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.
Advice? Yes, I have advice.
First of all, if you were involved with a sociopath, NORMAL ADVICE DOESN’T WORK. Even though self-help gurus have sold millions of books, and even if your friends have been through many, many relationships, unless they, too, have been targeted by sociopaths, THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.
So, the first bit of advice is DON’T LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET IT.
Back to positive advice. What is the one thing you need to understand if you’ve been involved with a sociopath? IT’S NOT YOU!
Oh, the sociopath certainly told you that you were the problem, told you that you had problems, and even blamed you for his or her atrocious behavior. But that was all part of the manipulation. Sociopaths intentionally make you doubt yourself. Sometimes it’s to make you malleable so they can take advantage of you, sometimes it’s just for their own entertainment. If you’re feeling nuts, you are having a rational reaction to an insane situation, and your ex is the one causing the insanity.
Next you need to know that the relationship NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED. Although sociopaths lavishly proclaim their love, they’re lying. Sociopaths are incapable of love. But they have learned that if they mouth the words “I love you,” they can get what they want. And what they want is to exploit you.
If you’ve been involved with someone like this, there is nothing you could have done differently. Nothing would have made the situation better. The sociopath cannot be satisfied, and cannot change.
So how should you view your experience? DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Yes, really. The fact that you were mistreated had nothing to do with you or your behavior. It had everything to do with the fact that you were involved with a cruel, heartless sociopath.
If your ex didn’t do it to you, he or she would have done it to someone else. Why? Because that’s what they do.
Finally, YOU CAN RECOVER, BUT IT WILL TAKE TIME. This is not a normal breakup. It wasn’t only your heart that was broken. It was also your view of the world.
Give yourself time and permission to heal. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you, and embark on a program of NO CONTACT with the sociopath. Even though you pine for the individual, understand that you fell in love with a mirage, and what you’re feeling is residual addiction to the relationship.
Do not call. Do not text. Do not send email. The stronger your commitment to NO CONTACT, the faster you will mend.
Take positive steps. Find joy and happiness anywhere you can, and let them seep into the empty hole that was your heart. Eventually, your heart will fill up and you can try again—with much more wisdom than you had before.
coping
Skylar- humility and gratitude. I’ve found they do go hand in hand. Only by being truly humble can we be truly grateful. It’s getting down to the raw basics. No matter who you are or where you live someone, somewhere has it worse. I can appreciate my blessings now… My health, my son, myself. Sure I lost all my money but I am grateful I have a roof over my head and food in the cabinets..I am sick right now but he didn’t give me HIV, I am grateful. My mother is horrible and controlling, I am grateful I have a chance to escape the bond. Gratitude and humility.., in my opinion.
skylar
coping,
yep. agreed.
It’s easy to see this is true because spaths have neither.
rileyanntrzpit
all good comments. each time a read a new post, I feel stronger. I think it is a common pattern with sociopaths and women they bait/switch is they are so miserable and don’t experience long term happiness in love or within themselves, that when we, as I did exactly one year ago, and the last time I saw my hunky spath say in confidence, “I’m happy when you are here”, they are defeated, and he was; I could see by his reaction – I had no longer to fall; he hadn’t made me miserable, but his presence actually made me happy and I left this last time, in victory; he was turning around to go back to another state and wanted more; I was strong enough by then to walk out, demand he close the door; and have the lasting memory of leaving him. He had to make the fall. Yes, they are clever out of survival; but oh, so sick. Agreed they feed on our emotions; they have none; were deprived; refuse help, though they can sometimes recognize their illness. I felt sad for one poster who continues to see her spath; I felt pain for almost a year; longing for the impossible bond, now it’s over. Anyone read, “The betrayal Bond” yet? Sociopaths who wound women should definitely be listed in a criminal registry. I have such overwhelming pity for any woman he strikes at next, but have no way to warn them.
Ex Umbris
Hi everyone. I’m new. Well, I’ve been following this site for awhile, but I finally mustered up the courage to join. 🙂
As I read this article, I noticed myself nodding at every paragraph! I’ve known husband for over 4 years, amd I’m still afraid to talk to people about his behavior because I’m afraid they won’t believe me. And when I do, somehow it always seems to get back to him.
Ox Drover
Dear Ex Umbris,
Welcome to LF, and glad that you are here, but sorry that you felt at home here. (smile)
Yes, this is a great article and if you’ve been around a while I am sure you have read other great articles as well. Just keep on reading and glad you are here. You will get stronger as you learn and apply more to your life. God bless.
Ox Drover
Dear Rileyann,
Welcome as well! Glad you found your way here as well.
Ex Umbris
Thank you Ox Drover. 🙂
blondblueeyes
Gary, good of you for writing in, there is not many guys that come on here. but I do know there is woman spaths too,
Pathtofreedom, I feel if there is any one on this blog, Oxydriver, well she has the balls to tell you as it is, she has got very strong, if anyone was to give you good advice she can.
Zimzoomit, Thankyou for replying, you have gone through tough times as well, but when I read what you had wrote back to me, well, you made me smile. You have got the picture to a tee, yep, I hope he has already engaged her, like me, with out me knowing of course, and she does nothing but nag and nag and nag. gosh you made me laugh.
joinme459
hmmm I’m still trying to figure out if my ex-fiance’ was just a sex addict and hiding it or a full blown spath. He didn’t ‘try’ to hurt me, but he did hurt me. I’d call him on his shit and he’d lie and put the responsiblity on me for ‘why don’t you believe me? Sure I did that one thing and I lied but I’ve appologized since then”… Spot light on me to get over it, not on him and his continuing actions. He did over whelm me with putting me on a pedistal… then take me back off and back on again… He lavished me with being financially generous and sex… But sex with him felt so “global”… AND he was rather selfish in bed… a one trick pony really. He didn’t have a good relationship with his mom, and once told me he couldn’t remember one loving thing she’d ever done. She then tried to kill herself when her marriage to his dad fell apart.
So… it seems he never learned to bond from his mother because it sounds like she wouldn’t allow it or was uncapable of it.
He’s spent his whole retirement savings having a good time after he divorced from his wife 8 years ago. He makes over a 100K a year and only owns a truck. He spends BIG on the ladies and vacatins and sex and looking like a big man on campus. … Not sure he was trying to bring me down… but unable to commit and played like he was, as if he wanted to …but was internally uncapable of it… and was on endless dates sites and sex sites… and saying he wasn’t.
The comments about how much attention spaths need sure sounds like a fit. Once he mumbled… about the images on ljne ” your photos are so powerful”… like he was outta control of himself…. almost. Hmmmm. So, ladies… is this a spath or just a poor sex addicted tool? (I once was seeking inward answers about this… and found my thoughts going to a little boy who’s mother was less than loving, and a dad who was a trucker and not around much… and all the fighting and yelling … what does a little boy find to sooth himself… to feel loved… I think he finds his d**k and focuses his attention on trying to make himself feel good.
Ladies?
joinme459
However the comment that spaths hate to be bored sounds right. Lots and lots of email accounts with different date sites attached to each one… Like he needs a backup plan to his backup plan. He has a women… then tries to line them up and find more…. He lies about the stupidest stuff.
He has a steak. You ask, “did you like your steak?” “Yes it was very good”. Next thing he is complaining about the stead and gonna write a letter to the restaurant. I say, “but I thought you said you liked your steak?” “Yea, well, that was before I paid for it?” wtf?