Last week I posted two articles related to the Vienna Presbyterian Church in Vienna, Virginia. Between 2001 and 2005, as many as a dozen teenage girls may have suffered sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse from a church youth director. This year, the youth director was long gone, but church leaders felt that the wounds had not be properly addressed and healed. So a few months ago, the pastor and church issued a public apology.
Lawyers for the church’s insurance company warned the church not to accept responsibility for the failings of the youth director. Doing so, the insurance company said, would jeopardize the church’s coverage in case a lawsuit was filed.
The Vienna Presbyterian Church ignored the demands of its insurance company. On March 27, Pastor Peter James preached a sermon that acknowledged the church’s failings.
“Let me speak for a moment to our survivors,” he said. “We, as church leaders, were part of the harm in failing to extend the compassion and mercy that you needed. Some of you felt uncared for, neglected and even blamed in this church. I am truly sorry ”¦ I regret the harm this neglect has caused you.”
Guess what—so far, none of the young women has filed a lawsuit.
Why not? The case would be a slam-dunk. The youth director pleaded guilty to contributing to the delinquency of a minor. The church accepted responsibility. Several of the now young women have trouble in relationships, because they are still seeking the fantasy that the youth director promised. If they filed suit, they’d win.
My guess is that the women don’t want money. They want to be heard. They want to be validated. And they want to be healed.
Invisible damage
The problem with sociopathic entanglements is that so much of the damage is invisible. Even in cases where we lose money, jobs, homes, and are subject to physical violence, the big wounds are not readily apparent. Before all those obvious injuries occurred, the sociopaths softened us up with emotional manipulation, psychological control and spiritual abuse. These internal wounds not only eat at us, but they make it difficult for us to respond to, and recover from, the obvious physical damage.
After the sociopath, we need to purge our emotional and mental pain. We need internal stability. But when we reach out for help on this level, many of the people around us simply don’t get it.
They don’t understand why we need to talk so much about what happened. They don’t understand how, when we suspected that we were being used, we allowed it to continue. They don’t understand why we are still confused in our thoughts and emotions about the sociopath.
Get over it, they tell us.
These are the people, of course, who are lucky enough to have avoided a direct assault from a sociopath in their own lives. We often understand why they don’t really understand what happened—after all, we were once as clueless as they are. Still, their ignorance of the depth of our pain seems to increase our pain. We feel like we are not being heard, and our suffering is being invalidated.
Debriefing
Karin Huffer, in her book, the Legal Abuse Syndrome, describes this situation in detail in her chapter on “Debriefing.”
Debriefing, she says, is the first step in recovery. In the debriefing process, we tell someone exactly what happened to us, in all the painful detail. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find what Huffer describes as “quality listeners.” These are people who have the ability to hear what we have to say, overriding their own protective filters. She writes:
Protective filters are always at work. If an individual begins to share with another and the data threatens the listener’s feelings of safety, they may try to divert the data or simply not hear it at all ”¦
The function of this protective filter is to maintain the equilibrium of the listener. Victims’ stories shake the foundations that we lean upon in order to feel safe. When it is impossible for friends or family to hear, due to their protective psychological filters shielding them from vicarious pain, the victim feels rejected and alone.
Huffer goes on to describe a formal debriefing process. It’s best done with a quality listener or support group, but an individual can do it alone if necessary.
Support at Lovefraud
I believe that we have many, many quality listeners on Lovefraud. I am always amazed at the thoughtful, comforting and patient comments posted in response to readers who are spilling their traumatized guts.
The reason Lovefraud readers can do this, of course, is because we’ve all been there. We know what it’s like to be deceived, betrayed and assaulted. We know what it’s like to sit amidst the wreckage of what was once our lives. We’re all on the path to recovery, and those of us who are further along help those of us who are just beginning.
Healing, in the end, is an individual journey. To fully recover, we must consciously excavate and examine our pain, and find a way to let it go. But the process is helped immensely when we are heard and validated. I am so glad that Lovefraud offers this to so many people.
jeannie812:
Needless to say, you did not have a good church experience. Maybe you should try another denomination, not Catholic? Just a suggestion.
Dear Jeannie,
It sounds like you ran up against a pedophile, and I am glad that you had strength enough to resist him. Good for you. It is unfortunate that many pedophiles and other psychopaths hide behind religion.
I’m sorry that your mother was/is an abuser, and that she used school and the church to take her own frustrations out on someone who was weaker than her—her own daughter.
It is unfortunate that many times psychopaths within the ORGANIZATION of the “church” (the denomination doesn’t matter) abuse others and turn the others away from the spiritual walk that the Church should be.
My own egg donor emotionally and spiritually abused me, had me scared to death of this all knowing and all seeing mean old God who was waiting to zap me with hell fire and brimstone. Fortunately, it did not turn me away from my spiritual walk with God, a loving heavenly father who cares for me. I am so glad that I have been able to deepen my spiritual walk and not turn my back on my faith because of the spiritual abuse by hypocrites.
Jesus talked about “wolves in sheep’s clothing” coming into the Church and that is so true….even in the time of the Apostles there were false preachers coming into the Church and leading others astray. So don’t let your egg donor’s abuse of you, or the pedophile’s attempted abuse of you sour you on the Church, there are other congregations where there is love and caring. I suggest you find a small, intimate congregation and give it a try. If that doesn’t work, find another one until you are satisfied that the people there are sincere and caring people, not dogmatic controlling or wolves in sheep’s clothing. God bless.
Jeannie,
that’s a horrible memory to have. it isn’t the religion, it’s the fact that the toxic people are everywhere and they spread their toxins. We have to combat it with TRUTH wherever we can. Please don’t give up on the good, just be vigilent against the red flags and PLEASE, teach the innocent wherever you can.
My Xhusb/socio got heavily involved with a church after the woman that he got involved with after I threw him out of my and my children’s lives….dumped him. He treated her the same way as he did me, as they always do. She finally saw what she was involved with and dumped him. He cracked up and ended up finding “solace” in the belief that “God” was on his side. He walks around with his narcisstic self feeling that he is “better” than everyone and “saved” because he has “God on his side” now! In the meantime, he ignores our children, runs from paying child support, and tells everyone that I am the evil one who threw him out! He thrives on the pity he envokes in people and puts on a sincere “poor me” act. And the people in the church buy it! He fails to tell them how abusive he was, physically and mentally, to my children and me. So, I am very leary of “churchgoers”. Churches are houses for sinners…and we need to be careful when we get involved. Of course, not all churchgoers are hypocrites hiding behind the “I’m a good person because I’m here” stance. Just have to be cautious.
Another thing, is that I really feel that anyone who has been involved with an abuser, conartist, liar, socipath and betrayal needs professional help from the damage. Its very serious. And, many people have been in abusive relationships at different times of their lives…mostly when vulnerable. I was 35 when I met my husband and desparate to start a family. The operative word is “desparate”. I IGNORED the red flags and married him because of this “need” I had in my life at that time. Then, six years ago, after being alone for 5 yrs raising my 3 babies, I got involved with another man, that ended up bringing me here. He wasn’t “abusive” like my xhusb, but there were many red flags too. Once again, feeling lonely and desparate to have a male companion, I ignored the red flags. Thats how I ended up here.
But, I don’t beat myself up about it anymore. These relationships were all a part of my own evolutionary process to grow and excel in life. Coming from the childhood I did, which was NOT my fault, I was thrown out into the world feeling unworthy and insecure. So, being trauma bonded, which was NOT my fault, I was vulnerable for abuse. THIS is how I can forgive myself for not listening to my gut feelings and the red flags. It WASN’T MY FAULT. I didn’t ask to be abused in my childhood.
I sought counselling and realized why I chose people to use and abuse me all of my life. We don’t learn until we face ourselves and it takes professional help sometimes to be able to do this without feeling despair and blame.
I don’t think its anyone on here’s fault for what happenned. We were all vulnerable for different reasons. I was open prey for abuse. NOT MY FAULT.
We continue to repeat the past until we are AWARE of what we are doing….and are ready to learn, change and grown. Unfortunately, it takes hitting rock bottom and its painful to be made aware of what we have allow happen to us.
But, it was never my fault. I was doomed from an abusive childhood….but NO MORE. I now have NO excuse, because I am AWARE of the problem in ME.
Two years ago when I found this site…was just the beginning of my “debriefing”…not only from the painful experience with another abuser, but from all the abuse I had in my life. I became determined to change ME, to be a stronger person, to feel worthy, to finally learn to take care of ME.
I’ve worked on myself in many ways, through private counselling, reading and doing “whatever it takes” to feel better about myself and expect others who want to be in my life to respect me too.
I realized that if I felt good about myself, none of these painful experiences would have happenned. It all comes down to how you feel about yourself.
Today I am a different person. My recent X, who I tried to remain “friends” with tried to be the person that he should be…started to buy me things, show me respect that I demanded, etc. But, its too late. I don’t want him anymore. I have no desire to be involved with him, because I know who he really is now. He’s so far from what I want in a man. I am strong enough to be alone until I meet the right person to let into my life again. This is very empowering…but it took a lot of work, a lot of pain,….to become aware of why I let people abuse me. But, its been worth it. I now feel “inner peace” and I have faith that my life will be without pain and drama…because I will never let anyone into it that doesn’t love me and respect me again.
Awareness of who we are, knowledge of who others really are, (red flags) and strength to be comfortable and happy alone…is key. Its worth the work and pain.
I thank God for this site and my wonderful counsellor.
Dear 2Bhappy,
Darling, that was a wonderful WONDERFUL AFFIRMATION OF WHAT TAKING CARE OF OURSELVES PRODUCES—-STRONG SURVIVORS!
I so much appreciate what you are saying and what you have DONE!!!! You are LIVING PROOF that there is LIFE AFTER A PSYCHOPATH!!! Not only a good life but a MUCH BETTER LIFE!!!!
Thank you so much for posting that! ((((Hugs)))) and God bless!
You are very welcome Oxy!
You are where I am also, which is why you are able to help so many people on this site! You have a very big part in my recovery, whether you realize that or not. I tell all of my friends about how you helped me out of a very dark place. Imagine that, and I don’t even know your name and have never met you in person! Amazing….technology…thank God for it.
It really takes someone who has” been there” to understand and be able to help others. I don’t know if you realize how valuable you are to so many people!
I’ve been glued to the Casey Anthony trial and I wish more people could watch it. It is a classic example of a true sociopath.It proves that no matter what childhood you came from, it is a genetic illness to not be able to feel empathy and to have no remorse! Casey is a true sociopath.
It also shows how we can be fooled by them so easily…she lied and stole from people who she charmed. NOONE is immune to sociopaths, except for people who have been involved with one. Everyone on this site has…and I’m sure will never again. Thats the good in this all.
Thank you again for your support.
Dear tobehappy,
Well, actually I “came out of the closet” a short while back, my name is Joyce Alexander and I used my “real name” on the Aftermath radio show (there’s an article here about about it and you can listen to a pod cast of it.) Erin Brock is also on it she called in to the show. (it was live)
I am glad that I helped you…and I am glad that you are recovering. I’m not sure we ever absolutely reach “all healed” but I do think that we get closer and closer but we have to KEEP WORKING AT IT, I don’t think it is a “one and done” thing, I think it is a continual process of GROWTH. I know that I learn something new every day and that is why I am still here at Love Fraud.
It makes me sad to think that statistically 85% of women go back to abusive men, and that it takes multiple attempts to break free….I just hope that the statistics for lovefraud readers is less than 85% going back. Frankly, my guess is that the stats are lower than 85%.
I am so glad that I relented to counseling for my sexual assault 18 yrs ago. It ruined my life, stole my self esteem, and made the damage from growing up with 2 N parents worse. I am finally getting rid of the pain that has been bottled up for years. I was feeling a dormant volcano. By the time I am ready to go back to being a cop, it will be dealt with and I will be able to better help others. I am getting ready to apply for school for the fall semester to hopefully begin to finish my BS in Psychology and a minor in Spanish. It’s all about me now. These last three months of poverty/unemployment have been some of the most stressful and most peaceful in my life. N parents have no controlling influence anymore
It has brought me back to GOD and I have realized that N mother is not the only path to him. I am secure that he has forgiven me for being the OW with my spath, and now I am working to forgive myself. I had such a rough day on the surgical floor yesterday and being pulled to tele for the last four hours. I felt so good driving the hour home knowing that Ireally earned my money-especially being out of my element. It was also amazing working with nice non-spathy nurses who were glad to have me there as a temp to help out.
I have a great interview scheduled for tomorrow for the E.R. and I applied for another great job the other day. My best friend just got a job, and maybe now it’s my turn.
Sick with allergies/sinus + stormy weather = pajamas, espresso, a big late breakfast, and Godfather Sunday-all three DVDs!
Nolarn – Good luck for tomorrow. I sincerely hope all goes well for you.
Candy-thank you very much!
Watching the Godfather, which I have always loved but I gotta say that Michael Corleone is way spathy in my opinion. He comes home from the military as a hero and tells Kay that story about Luca Brazzi and his father and the bandleader. It obviously freaks her out and he charms her and pulls her close to the family. Then he kills the guys in the restaurant and has to run to Sicily to evade jail. He is gone all that time and comes home and is aware that Kay has been trying to find him. He is home for a year before showing up and asking her to marry her him on the spot-after NC for all that time. After saying he would never be like his father, he is now working for him and once again charming Kay and pulling her into his world. She ends up in the marriage and completely isolated and it all gets worse from there. He baited her into it promising that his family would become legit.