Last week I posted two articles related to the Vienna Presbyterian Church in Vienna, Virginia. Between 2001 and 2005, as many as a dozen teenage girls may have suffered sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse from a church youth director. This year, the youth director was long gone, but church leaders felt that the wounds had not be properly addressed and healed. So a few months ago, the pastor and church issued a public apology.
Lawyers for the church’s insurance company warned the church not to accept responsibility for the failings of the youth director. Doing so, the insurance company said, would jeopardize the church’s coverage in case a lawsuit was filed.
The Vienna Presbyterian Church ignored the demands of its insurance company. On March 27, Pastor Peter James preached a sermon that acknowledged the church’s failings.
“Let me speak for a moment to our survivors,” he said. “We, as church leaders, were part of the harm in failing to extend the compassion and mercy that you needed. Some of you felt uncared for, neglected and even blamed in this church. I am truly sorry ”¦ I regret the harm this neglect has caused you.”
Guess what—so far, none of the young women has filed a lawsuit.
Why not? The case would be a slam-dunk. The youth director pleaded guilty to contributing to the delinquency of a minor. The church accepted responsibility. Several of the now young women have trouble in relationships, because they are still seeking the fantasy that the youth director promised. If they filed suit, they’d win.
My guess is that the women don’t want money. They want to be heard. They want to be validated. And they want to be healed.
Invisible damage
The problem with sociopathic entanglements is that so much of the damage is invisible. Even in cases where we lose money, jobs, homes, and are subject to physical violence, the big wounds are not readily apparent. Before all those obvious injuries occurred, the sociopaths softened us up with emotional manipulation, psychological control and spiritual abuse. These internal wounds not only eat at us, but they make it difficult for us to respond to, and recover from, the obvious physical damage.
After the sociopath, we need to purge our emotional and mental pain. We need internal stability. But when we reach out for help on this level, many of the people around us simply don’t get it.
They don’t understand why we need to talk so much about what happened. They don’t understand how, when we suspected that we were being used, we allowed it to continue. They don’t understand why we are still confused in our thoughts and emotions about the sociopath.
Get over it, they tell us.
These are the people, of course, who are lucky enough to have avoided a direct assault from a sociopath in their own lives. We often understand why they don’t really understand what happened—after all, we were once as clueless as they are. Still, their ignorance of the depth of our pain seems to increase our pain. We feel like we are not being heard, and our suffering is being invalidated.
Debriefing
Karin Huffer, in her book, the Legal Abuse Syndrome, describes this situation in detail in her chapter on “Debriefing.”
Debriefing, she says, is the first step in recovery. In the debriefing process, we tell someone exactly what happened to us, in all the painful detail. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find what Huffer describes as “quality listeners.” These are people who have the ability to hear what we have to say, overriding their own protective filters. She writes:
Protective filters are always at work. If an individual begins to share with another and the data threatens the listener’s feelings of safety, they may try to divert the data or simply not hear it at all ”¦
The function of this protective filter is to maintain the equilibrium of the listener. Victims’ stories shake the foundations that we lean upon in order to feel safe. When it is impossible for friends or family to hear, due to their protective psychological filters shielding them from vicarious pain, the victim feels rejected and alone.
Huffer goes on to describe a formal debriefing process. It’s best done with a quality listener or support group, but an individual can do it alone if necessary.
Support at Lovefraud
I believe that we have many, many quality listeners on Lovefraud. I am always amazed at the thoughtful, comforting and patient comments posted in response to readers who are spilling their traumatized guts.
The reason Lovefraud readers can do this, of course, is because we’ve all been there. We know what it’s like to be deceived, betrayed and assaulted. We know what it’s like to sit amidst the wreckage of what was once our lives. We’re all on the path to recovery, and those of us who are further along help those of us who are just beginning.
Healing, in the end, is an individual journey. To fully recover, we must consciously excavate and examine our pain, and find a way to let it go. But the process is helped immensely when we are heard and validated. I am so glad that Lovefraud offers this to so many people.
sadme-thanks a bunch and hopefully it’ll happen.
Good Luck 2bcop, the universe is on your side!
Sky=thanks-I’m going to go in there confident and ready to knock her socks off and put my best foot forward.
Nolarn! I have kept the candle lit since you announced that you will be going for the interview, today. I have been including you in prayers, as well! You are deserving of the Job, and no longer having the stressers that you have been posting about!! GOOD LUCK today, and I hope that I am not too late sending you my best wishes!
In addition, guilt is a normal part of humaness, as you already seem to know (but I wish to agree and validate what you have stated above) much less the grieving process (which can go on, or come and go for years). Your post makes so much sense to me. It helped me to read it, and I thank you for sharing about your personal guilt because, I have had guilt for a reason that is one of yours. Although I did not know that my P was married, in the beginning, I feel lingering guilt. And as you state, we cannot blame the P for everything. Yes, I was duped, and reminding myself of this, aids in not beating myself up (although I do find myself doing so at times). But when his story changed to “I am going through a divorce, I was hooked in, and made “MY OWN” choice to stay for the next 8 months. Guilt is a very normal emotion/feeling. I too, have put my faith in God as well as the Universe to guide me. Especially during times when I wanted so desperately to take things into my own hands, and report the P the Real Estate Authorities for his “Workplace Predator” behavior. I never acted on my desires, and now, after many months, he starting to get MAJOR MAJOR Karma. Not enough, but it is coming to him, and I did nothing but put my faith and trust in Gods hands, as well as the universe. I would like to say that I don’t wish him too much harm, but I still have some of those feelings within. I want him kicked out of our industry, and shamed and to be as humiliated, scorned, smeared and slanderred as he did unto me.
Sorry, now rambling. I go to that place all to often. But anyway, Nolarn, I am sending prayers and good thoughts your way, that you get the job, today!!!
Much Love and Peace!
Eden
(((((((((((((((((((((((( 2 cop )))))))))))))))))))))
Stay blessed and here’s to many prayers for you today!
Love and hugs!!
LL
Sky, are you there?
I’m feeling bad today, Mondays are the worst for me as it was always a day we reconnected.
Any words of wisdom from you or Happiness Trap?
It’s not so much that I want him back, I’m grieving the love I gave a guy who didn’t deserve it.
2 cop,
I just read your post above about feeling guilt about being the OW. Here here!
I can’t tell you NOT to feel guilt. But I also think there is something to be said for carrying it for too long, or carrying too much of it, or keeping the shame, because that’s part of the slime ex spath left you with.
One of the reasons for my involvement with my spath was twofold. At the time, I was vulnerable, leaving a long marriage with my exP. I was at a DEFICIT and spaths LOVE IT when they can hone in on your vulnerabilities, whatever that may be and they take gross advantage of it.
That does not mean a choice was not made by me to be involved. I made it FULLY, knowing he was married. But I can forgive myself now too about that and I don’t want to carry HIS slime of shame all around with me either. He never, nor will he EVER take responsibilty for his part. It was HIS marriage he needed to work through and also HIS choice not too. And, well, he’s a spath. Spaths don’t “work” at anything let alone a marriage.
Why should I carry my guilt AND his? I won’t. I REFUSE to do it anymore.
Forgiving myself for that decision, allows me to MOURN the loss. It allows me to MOURN my participation. It allows me to MOURN about those who were wounded during the relationshit. It frees me up to move on.
I hope your guilt diminishes, 2 cop, with self forgiveness. I think it’s good that you HAVE the guilt, but carrying it too long isn’t healthy either. You were at a DEFICIT when he came along and he sniffed that out of you.
Remember that too. He was a con. And that’s what spaths do.
LL
LL-thanks so much for your words. I appreciate it. My guilt will diminish with time. It took me 2 years to get over the relationship and now my relationship with GOD is intact. It will get better and I am working on things in counseling.
Maybe I shouldn’t have posted that. I need to not read posts by certain people on here. I tend to get inflamed and fired up by them. From now on it will be better if I just don’t respond. I know he was a con but I feel like I still made a choice in it. I am trying to forgive myself. GOD is much better at forgiving us than we are forgiving ourselves. I have so much still to work through now relating to my self esteem involving the sexual assault and the years of hiding it and the N parents. It will all be ok eventually and if I get a job, it’ll be better.
You seem to be doing really well now and I am glad for you! 🙂
LL, Thanks for your post, even though directed at Nolarn! This is so strengthening for me to read! “Damn” woman, you are amazing. Very much power exudes from you! Can you be of help to me with something that I have coming up, tomorrow? Well, as I told you, In past few months, I have run into spath viewing Tuesday opens houses. I stopped going for a while to keep NC, but gave too much power away to P because it helps my business for me to go preview homes when they come on the market. Ok, now as I have taken the other part of my business to the next level and I have been servicing other agent’s escrow files, I have been asked to assist with open houses that are multiple stories or what have you, so that more than one person is manning the place. Two weeks ago, spath came to an open that I was sitting with a friend/associate, and it wasn’t the same kind of situation where I can just walk right past the ugly little bugger and not let him get to me. He looked straight into my eyes and gave me the dirtiest look and grunted in my face. I kept smiling at him and his new gf/victim and acted myself. Then he came back downstairs alone, and when no one was around he was verbally abusive (but honestly I almost started to laugh). He acted like Satan. I was proud of myself for staying strong and true to myself and not addressing his rudeness. But the next day and the days that followed, I propgressively began to feel affected by the encounter. Tomorrow, I am quite certain that he will show up at my OH, again. This time, I am feeling ramped up. Like I want to squash his sorry ass, if he tries to speak to (at) me. Such a creepy slime hole. But anyway. What would you suggest, if anything? And if anyone else is reading this and has a suggesstion, I would graetly apreciate your help. I am feeling like I need support at this time, and I never ask for it. I am trying to get better at asking for support, help, suggestions. It really does help me!
Thank you!
Eden
Hey all, ‘s been last week since I posted here. Getting much better! The No Contact is happening more and more to the ex in my head. I’m able to focus on other stuff.
I had a major trigger though last Thursday. I play a facebook game, and am host of a group in the game. One of the new members (but experienced player) who had enlarged our group with his own was a erratic person and always dangling carrot of game knowledge to people, including myself. Just never realy bit, because I don’t like it when people try to be secretive about it and act as if htey’ll be your “teacher”… One of his pupils that came along was very much liked in our group and getting trust and responibility, more than him. Last week he started to diss us and would throw cynical remarks left and right. First time I listened to his complaints and we tried to do something with the feedback, but he kept on going the following day using every opportunity. When he eventually showed signs of liking the position of disser but not taking any responsibility himself in helping out or be constructive and was rude to others, I stepped in. Didn’t take 5 mins before my head was in the washing machine with word salad and twisting the previous conversation for which I stepped in. The cynical remarks kept coming, and I asked thrice to stop those because it rendered the conversation dishonest towards me. The last time I asked I told him I’d remove him frm the group if it happened again. Instead he ignored me and retold his version to a good hearted player, but also pupil of his, claimed I was insulting him, blablabal… Another of his previous pupils assured him that he had been rude to the other players, and then he called her “dumb”. Removed him from the group. His best pupil unfortunately felt more loyalty to him than to us and she followed him. She’s his real victim. He acts like a guru, treats her like a possession and warned off the players who used to be of his group and still chose to stay to stay clear of her. They’re not friends in his eyes, and so can’t be friends with his best pupil either. Been a couple of days I felt sick at my stomach. At first I thought “he’s not taking repsonsibility for his asocial behaviour” and didn’t wanna think further… but now I ordered the whole group to be boring to the guy (talk about what they’re doing in the game, which is of course totally unrelated to him) and go as much no contact as they can. And I asked them not to copy words of his for me, cause it truggers me… my blood pressure rises at every sign of his sick twisted and narcisitic mind. Ugh!
Anyway, then yesterday I received a message from the new victim. She wrote one bitter line: she kicked him out for lying and wanted to warn me that I might “expect a call or contact attempt from him as I had said”. It was the latter that made the sentence bitter.
I thought of a reply and just told her I was very sorry for her, that I hoped to never hear or see the guy. That I understood she may still feel a lot of bonded feelings towards him. And that I hoped she did not underestimate it: that it was this that kept me believing that jeckil was real and hyde a clumsy misunderstood guy. I told her that she had been right too about the stress and I was in therapy for PSTD because of the long exposure during the relationship of 2 years. I told her that if she ever needed some questions answered she could just ask. So I sent her a sweet reply.
And she’s been opening up slowly. Next she asked me whether I ever suspected he may be into men. Told her no, not during the relationship, though he hang out with gays at times and could act very gay (as if to mock them). But then I told her that if you ask me now, I think anything’s possible.
I was still careful, cause her profile pic was still the one with him on it.
Today she replied once more and told me that he had brought male company over on Sunday morning (she used an explanation mark with that, so showed enough that she certainly has experienced his nightly outings and late returns regularly) and that she had overheard him explain how he got “white chicks” (his words) in order to travel.
She’s talking about “us” being strong caring women who bent over backwards to support and help him change when he doesn’t really plan to do so.
She’s wisening up for the moment. And yes she altered her profile pic to one of herself again. GO girl! I guess she’s been through many of the red flags already, and though she first was critical of our mentioning of the reds flags to her in our warnings, they stuck. His “tell” that she overheard was the mask off moment.
Luckily he has not yet attempted to contact me. But I think he contacted the supply of January. I went to check his mutual friends with me and noticed there was one less, the girl of January. She thinks he’s completely “craaaazy!”, certainly when she learned we had been engaged and were together for almost 2 years. She was his fb friend until last week. Now she’s not anymore. There can be only reason for that imo: he tried to reach out to her, and she severed the fb ties.
And lastly my Duthc female friend who knew us as starting couple, him coming here, us there last summer… she’s in Nicaragua for a long while already, and confronted him too for being a jerk to me. Anyway, I asked her a while ago that if she had the time, “could she untag him in the pcitures she had of us.” I asked once and never repeated my request. But this weekend that is exactly what she did.
I told the late victim in one of my replies that I hoped she could somehow make the experience into something beautiful, and I told her was the beautiful event was for me… that on the day he switched from me to her, was the day something turned in my head and I not only loved myself but also believed it so much I felt I needed no more validation than self-validation. It was the day, I completely came into my own and on my own self validation legs.
Guys I’m so grateful for listening to me and giving me feedback!