Last week I posted two articles related to the Vienna Presbyterian Church in Vienna, Virginia. Between 2001 and 2005, as many as a dozen teenage girls may have suffered sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse from a church youth director. This year, the youth director was long gone, but church leaders felt that the wounds had not be properly addressed and healed. So a few months ago, the pastor and church issued a public apology.
Lawyers for the church’s insurance company warned the church not to accept responsibility for the failings of the youth director. Doing so, the insurance company said, would jeopardize the church’s coverage in case a lawsuit was filed.
The Vienna Presbyterian Church ignored the demands of its insurance company. On March 27, Pastor Peter James preached a sermon that acknowledged the church’s failings.
“Let me speak for a moment to our survivors,” he said. “We, as church leaders, were part of the harm in failing to extend the compassion and mercy that you needed. Some of you felt uncared for, neglected and even blamed in this church. I am truly sorry ”¦ I regret the harm this neglect has caused you.”
Guess what—so far, none of the young women has filed a lawsuit.
Why not? The case would be a slam-dunk. The youth director pleaded guilty to contributing to the delinquency of a minor. The church accepted responsibility. Several of the now young women have trouble in relationships, because they are still seeking the fantasy that the youth director promised. If they filed suit, they’d win.
My guess is that the women don’t want money. They want to be heard. They want to be validated. And they want to be healed.
Invisible damage
The problem with sociopathic entanglements is that so much of the damage is invisible. Even in cases where we lose money, jobs, homes, and are subject to physical violence, the big wounds are not readily apparent. Before all those obvious injuries occurred, the sociopaths softened us up with emotional manipulation, psychological control and spiritual abuse. These internal wounds not only eat at us, but they make it difficult for us to respond to, and recover from, the obvious physical damage.
After the sociopath, we need to purge our emotional and mental pain. We need internal stability. But when we reach out for help on this level, many of the people around us simply don’t get it.
They don’t understand why we need to talk so much about what happened. They don’t understand how, when we suspected that we were being used, we allowed it to continue. They don’t understand why we are still confused in our thoughts and emotions about the sociopath.
Get over it, they tell us.
These are the people, of course, who are lucky enough to have avoided a direct assault from a sociopath in their own lives. We often understand why they don’t really understand what happened—after all, we were once as clueless as they are. Still, their ignorance of the depth of our pain seems to increase our pain. We feel like we are not being heard, and our suffering is being invalidated.
Debriefing
Karin Huffer, in her book, the Legal Abuse Syndrome, describes this situation in detail in her chapter on “Debriefing.”
Debriefing, she says, is the first step in recovery. In the debriefing process, we tell someone exactly what happened to us, in all the painful detail. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find what Huffer describes as “quality listeners.” These are people who have the ability to hear what we have to say, overriding their own protective filters. She writes:
Protective filters are always at work. If an individual begins to share with another and the data threatens the listener’s feelings of safety, they may try to divert the data or simply not hear it at all ”¦
The function of this protective filter is to maintain the equilibrium of the listener. Victims’ stories shake the foundations that we lean upon in order to feel safe. When it is impossible for friends or family to hear, due to their protective psychological filters shielding them from vicarious pain, the victim feels rejected and alone.
Huffer goes on to describe a formal debriefing process. It’s best done with a quality listener or support group, but an individual can do it alone if necessary.
Support at Lovefraud
I believe that we have many, many quality listeners on Lovefraud. I am always amazed at the thoughtful, comforting and patient comments posted in response to readers who are spilling their traumatized guts.
The reason Lovefraud readers can do this, of course, is because we’ve all been there. We know what it’s like to be deceived, betrayed and assaulted. We know what it’s like to sit amidst the wreckage of what was once our lives. We’re all on the path to recovery, and those of us who are further along help those of us who are just beginning.
Healing, in the end, is an individual journey. To fully recover, we must consciously excavate and examine our pain, and find a way to let it go. But the process is helped immensely when we are heard and validated. I am so glad that Lovefraud offers this to so many people.
lesson learned,Hope to heal,
Please dont take this the wrong way,but those suggestions are pointless. Last summer when he was first removed I went there for help. The victims advocate didnt show up in court as she said she would. As far as an abuse shelter or legal aid,there is NOTHING here,as far as legal aid. The shelter goes on the amount of money ya have. I was on alot of the funraisers when it was being built. I have this house,why would I go to a shelter ? The judge last July only ordered him to pay me $1000 a month to live on. It was passed his lunchtime so he was in a bad mood. I have farm animals to feed. I also had/have a rescue where I foster animals from hurricanes/tornadoes. I had to turn people away recently . I went to the courthouse 7 times to rerequest more money to live on & the last time I got a little loud and was escorted out by security. The judge had said if I needed more to complete the necessary paperwork,which I have.
Law enforcement here is a joke. The day after the exparte he(spath) was out here thru a 3rd party taking things from the garage. They refused to enforce it. In January (spath) came out to give me my check. I had been outside feedinbg animals & it was so cold. I set my keyring down in the garage(carkeys & housekeys). He snatched them & I didnt notice until the next day whe I was going to a Dr appt. I called the sheriff. They called him on the phone. They got the whole thing wrong. I didnt say he had scratched my car with the keys I told them to took my car and housekeys. I had another set. I was heading to the grocery store at about 4pm that day. When i came out my car was gone. Im walking around hitting the panic button on the keyring. He drives up and says.””DID YA LOOSE THE CAR NOW TOO”””!! I found it 7 blocks from the store 4 hours later. He was laughing at me. I was told by local police,I must have left it somewhere else. Doesnt everyone park their cars 7 blocks from the grocerystore and walk around with 3 bags of food?
Im at the point now that I really am about to be “”crazy””. The legal system failed me and has forced me to keep in touch with him. It is the only way I can get enough money to live on. I keep it to a bare minimun tho. I tell him what he wants to hear then get my money & split. I do feel guilty about being just like him,being mean just isnt my nature.
Dear Mommom,
I hear you, loud and clear. I too live (and at the time of the attack and crazy making) lived on a farm with animals to take care of….and the crazy making, the identity theft (ordering things on my credit card sent to my house that I didn’t order, signing me up for things off late night TV, messing with my cell phone account)
I realize you have a “situation” where you feel like the whole world thinks you are crazy—and who woulodn’t be “crazy” with that kind of things going on, I WAS CR%AZEEEEEE for sure.
The thing is though, as much as I hated it….I left my farm, left most of my animals here for my renters to sort of half way look out for them….and fled to safety in hiding. I was able to come back eventually, but the thing is while I know your rescued animals are important to you, sometimes it comes down to we MUST TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES FIRST….you can’t help the animals or anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself.
I hear the desperation in your posts, the lack of confidence that there is anyone in the world out there to help you…I felt the same way. I do suggest that you get some counseling though, because you need someone in face to face, real life to talk to that will listen and validate you and help you figure out how for you to take care of yourself.
I totally understand NO ONE believing a word you say….been there and done that! Even my counselor didn’t believe my story until I took in documents and a witness that I wasn’t a nut job! LOL Our stories are so outlandish and crazee that I iunderstand no o ne believing them….even though they are true. God bless (((Hugs))))
Mommom
Everything you said is true. Help is not there in the way you need it. You have been royally mindfkd and unfortunately, YOU have to be your own help. I’ve been there in a small town where my husband is the prince with LOTS of help to abuse me.
Obviously this answer is my opinion based on what worked for me. You are in survival mode and we need to get you into competent mode. Therefore first you need to decrease your stress. To do that, we need to separate your “to do” list from your feelings/emotions.
Some things you MUST do:
1) Continue to document but make sure it is ONLY documentation of facts and behaviors, NOT commentary by you. This is an exercise in separating your feelings from fulfilling a responsibility. Reason: People interpret commentary as opinion. You need to let them see the facts and draw their own conclusions.
Ex: I left car keys in garage. Husband was present. I drove car to grocery store, 4p, parked in space x. (include copy of receipt) Exit grocery store. Car gone. Husband drives up. Says, “Did ya lose the car now too.” Searched four hours. Found car 7 blocks from store.
2) Start making police reports. The police do not have to agree with you. They just have to take the report. Keep you feelings and your history out of any conversation with police. For ex: When the keys disappeared, you should have reported the FACTS, not your feelings, on a police report. When the car was gone, you should have called the police, not looked for your car. They would have noted when the car was found, whether it was broken into or locked or whatever.
3) Prioritize Yourself. Reason: You are not able to care for yourself, you are not at the level of self responsibility. At this time, you need to reduce your responsibilities. No animal rescue. Hard fact is, he is obligated to pay for you, NOT for animal feed. ANd harder fact, until you are self responsible, rescuing animals is inappropriate.
4) You need a councelor, someone who will validate you. You probably need anti anxiety meds. (most of us do.) That means you must interview counselors. I went through a lot of them b/f I found my jewel. Specifically, You need someone who works with emotional trauma abuse cases.
If the judge ordered him to pay you support, why do you have to talk to him or keep in touch with him?
I am sorry you are going through this. BUT, at least you are going THROUGH, this isn’t the way it will remain. We’re not councelors here. We are here to share and commiserate and advise, and even that may not be correct; like I said, my advice is what worked for me living in a hostile situation where I sat down at my first counceling appointment and burst into tears saying I think I may be crazy…. but for now, this reply is whatl I have to offer.
Lastly: I know living with him has turned you into someone you don’t want to be. You are REACTING to abuse. It’s normal. But we gotta get you into a place where you can reclaim your core self. And first we gotta get ya out of survival mode and into more healthy self care. You are NOT crazy, you are in a Crazy making situation. My suggestions are what I did to empower myself. I also added ways to occupy my brain so I didn’t think about crap. Sudoko, music, yoga, movies, singing to myself, reading, ANYTHING to give the brain a rest from stress. Pick whatever works for you to create Mindlessness. You will find HEALTHY self empowerment goes a LONG ways to helping others to see you as rational, reasonable, and the object of abuse by an sob. Obivously the judge already did b/c that’s a large amount awarded to you for support.
All my best to you during this struggle.
Katy
Katy,
THAT was an EXCELLENT post!!!
LL
WOW,Im sitting here sobbing. It is a release I have needed for so long. thanks so much. Im not taking any animals. It is legal documents that I cannot rent,sell,share,giveaway anything concidered community property,animals included. The judge didnt know I had a farm with animals.
You are so right about what I should have done when I found the car was gone. It was so cold,my cell phone was dead and I had bags of food. I didnt even think about calling until I got home. I can see now just how crazy I did look.
I have called them 22 times in the last 11 months,not 1 written report has been made.
The cost of gas has doubled here as well as the cost of food. Just at a minimum it takes !500 to run this place. The roof blew off last jusy in a tornado. I have been trying to fix it myself,that takes money. My refridgerator needed work,thats money.Now my ac is out,but thatll have to wait. My car needs work. It isnt really about feeding the animals it is just day to day living.
I so appreciate the help. I do agree,keep my emotions out of. Im so glad you are telling me straight up.
How do I present all this in court? I have been documenting all the drivebys,hangup calls,prowling on the property etc. I will be given 15 minutes to present my case. he is also on so many meds,I think it is a bad combination of antidepressents,adhd meds,high blood pressure meds. He sometimes forgets to take his 600mg of antidepressants. He has physical withdrawls from it. He seems so lucid somedays,and then other days he is like some monster. He also had a head injury in 05,frontal lobe damage from a wreck.
I do sell the eggs from my hens and thats some income,especially when it is close to the end of a long month.
I have spinal damage from an accident at work 10 years ago,so I have alot of physical pain from that. I have been declared 100% disabled,but I was told I cannot draw a pension from ss.
I know alot of the things I worry about seem trivial,like my mower being broken & I cant mow my yard or pasture. But the copperheads love tall grass and my hens nest boxes.
I do have some good days where I do feel joy,but outa nowhere the images BOOM come back to torture me. Thegaslighting comes back to haunt me. I do read,crossword puzzles. I have to work outside alot too. I dont know how to deal with the anger that appears out of nowhere. Any suggestions for that? What do you mean interview councelors? I have seen 2,1 said he didnt believe me and liked to talk about cyber sex,the other female councelor I saw for 6 months,spent less than 5 mins with him and said<"I dont think he is pathological" I about fell over cuz he managed to squeak out a couple tears telling her about all the stuff I accused him of,(gaslighting me physically and emotionally).
1 more think,I have saved the texts he has sent me as well as alot of messages on my answering machine demanding to know where I am & why I didnt answer the phone. Is this good evidence?
I need to go buy some hay. Thank you for the help
Mommom,
It seems that you are suffering from PTSD from your experience. You may want to contact Karin Huffer. PTSD is considered a disability, and courts must accommodate your disability. That means you can have someone accompany you. Here’s more information about Karin Huffer from the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide.
http://www.lovefraud.com/resourcesguide/profile/9/
Donna!
I had NO IDEA that PTSD could be accommodated! I would like to learn more about it, as I was diagnosed in April, what my rights are, if any, regarding my having to deal with spath as a client where I obtain services.
Is it okay to contact Karen?
Good Luck to you MomMom. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and despairing so, but you will find solace here and a helping hand!
LL
Hi Mommon. Firstly we BELIEVE YOU. And from what you say it seems like the world is against you – and YES we get that too.
Sometimes it’s like being in a well and no matter how hard we try to get out we just can’t get a foot-hold.
So………….
Ok, let’s step back from the line for a moment. You are in a house you cannot afford, bills you cannot pay and ‘nut job’ making you crazy, with a disability you cannot get ss for. How am I doing so far?
You need to take care of YOU. The mower, grass, animals are NOT priority. Look at the BIGGER picture. Can you sell the farm? Auction it? If so, DO IT. Use the money to buy a place far from spath where he cannot ‘get to you’.
The courts and spath are not listening and you can bang on until Doomsday getting more crazy by the day.
Sometimes we can’t see the wood for the trees. How do I know? Well I’ve been there. Gave up my job, selling my cottage, moving far away. It’s not easy. I want to be here near friends and family bit I know that if I stay I will always be within spaths reach.
So none of ‘this’ (possessions) means anything if I do not have peace of mind. So I’m packing up and disappearing so that I CAN have a spath free life.
Maybe you could downsize, have just a few animals or volunteer at an animal shelter.
Spaths mess with our heads and fry our brain. Stop, think, this time next year where do you want to be?
From your post it sounds like you are desperate and tottering on a precipice. Take back your control. Take spath, animals and the farm out of the equation and what is left? YOU. Focus on YOU.
Dear Mommom,
Even if you are in a wheel chair with a “bad back” and 110% disabled physically, SS will deny you unless you get an attorney. The attorneys will appeal your denial….also PTSD is a legitimate disability and SS will approve for that….so contact an attorney who specializes in SS disability. And, believe it or not you are more likely to get disability from SS for PTSD than if you had all your arms and legs cut off. I have fought with SS for patients for years who were legitimately entitled to disabilty for physical disability but only got it because of DEPRESSION for not being able to work. LOL
But almost everyone has to get an attorney to get SSDisability and they work on a commission of part of your “back pay” from when it is actually approved….also it may take up to 2 years so be prepared, but the good part is that you will qualify for medicare by then. So get cracking.
Lesson Learned,
Certainly, contact Karin. That’s what she does – represents people who need PTSD accommodation in court.