Last week I posted two articles related to the Vienna Presbyterian Church in Vienna, Virginia. Between 2001 and 2005, as many as a dozen teenage girls may have suffered sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse from a church youth director. This year, the youth director was long gone, but church leaders felt that the wounds had not be properly addressed and healed. So a few months ago, the pastor and church issued a public apology.
Lawyers for the church’s insurance company warned the church not to accept responsibility for the failings of the youth director. Doing so, the insurance company said, would jeopardize the church’s coverage in case a lawsuit was filed.
The Vienna Presbyterian Church ignored the demands of its insurance company. On March 27, Pastor Peter James preached a sermon that acknowledged the church’s failings.
“Let me speak for a moment to our survivors,” he said. “We, as church leaders, were part of the harm in failing to extend the compassion and mercy that you needed. Some of you felt uncared for, neglected and even blamed in this church. I am truly sorry ”¦ I regret the harm this neglect has caused you.”
Guess what—so far, none of the young women has filed a lawsuit.
Why not? The case would be a slam-dunk. The youth director pleaded guilty to contributing to the delinquency of a minor. The church accepted responsibility. Several of the now young women have trouble in relationships, because they are still seeking the fantasy that the youth director promised. If they filed suit, they’d win.
My guess is that the women don’t want money. They want to be heard. They want to be validated. And they want to be healed.
Invisible damage
The problem with sociopathic entanglements is that so much of the damage is invisible. Even in cases where we lose money, jobs, homes, and are subject to physical violence, the big wounds are not readily apparent. Before all those obvious injuries occurred, the sociopaths softened us up with emotional manipulation, psychological control and spiritual abuse. These internal wounds not only eat at us, but they make it difficult for us to respond to, and recover from, the obvious physical damage.
After the sociopath, we need to purge our emotional and mental pain. We need internal stability. But when we reach out for help on this level, many of the people around us simply don’t get it.
They don’t understand why we need to talk so much about what happened. They don’t understand how, when we suspected that we were being used, we allowed it to continue. They don’t understand why we are still confused in our thoughts and emotions about the sociopath.
Get over it, they tell us.
These are the people, of course, who are lucky enough to have avoided a direct assault from a sociopath in their own lives. We often understand why they don’t really understand what happened—after all, we were once as clueless as they are. Still, their ignorance of the depth of our pain seems to increase our pain. We feel like we are not being heard, and our suffering is being invalidated.
Debriefing
Karin Huffer, in her book, the Legal Abuse Syndrome, describes this situation in detail in her chapter on “Debriefing.”
Debriefing, she says, is the first step in recovery. In the debriefing process, we tell someone exactly what happened to us, in all the painful detail. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find what Huffer describes as “quality listeners.” These are people who have the ability to hear what we have to say, overriding their own protective filters. She writes:
Protective filters are always at work. If an individual begins to share with another and the data threatens the listener’s feelings of safety, they may try to divert the data or simply not hear it at all ”¦
The function of this protective filter is to maintain the equilibrium of the listener. Victims’ stories shake the foundations that we lean upon in order to feel safe. When it is impossible for friends or family to hear, due to their protective psychological filters shielding them from vicarious pain, the victim feels rejected and alone.
Huffer goes on to describe a formal debriefing process. It’s best done with a quality listener or support group, but an individual can do it alone if necessary.
Support at Lovefraud
I believe that we have many, many quality listeners on Lovefraud. I am always amazed at the thoughtful, comforting and patient comments posted in response to readers who are spilling their traumatized guts.
The reason Lovefraud readers can do this, of course, is because we’ve all been there. We know what it’s like to be deceived, betrayed and assaulted. We know what it’s like to sit amidst the wreckage of what was once our lives. We’re all on the path to recovery, and those of us who are further along help those of us who are just beginning.
Healing, in the end, is an individual journey. To fully recover, we must consciously excavate and examine our pain, and find a way to let it go. But the process is helped immensely when we are heard and validated. I am so glad that Lovefraud offers this to so many people.
Donna,
Thank you. I’ll do just that!
LL
mommom – just know there is another person out here in cyber space who thinks you are not crazy, hears the PTSD in your post, believes you can get through this pile of manure and knows what it is like to have people not freaking believe her.
come back and write as much as you can – you’ll find support here. take care.
one joy
I am sooo grateful for this site. I am just starting to be able to sleep a bit after several months of shock and fear from the ride I was on. Starting over at this age is scary, but the universe is showing me that it will be ok…I am very proud of each one of you for your strength and endurance, it truly helps me maintain mine. We are in this boat together, and that helps a lot! xoxo, Divine Love.
Divine!
Have you posted before? I don’t recall seeing you, if not WELCOME!
You’re right, we’re all in this together! Hope you’ll share your story soon. I’m amazed at how much it helps to hear others stories.
God Bless!
LL
this farm is owned by us both. It cant be sold. With the market right now after 9 years it isnt worth what was paid so there wont be any money from that. It is a va loan. Im a military spouce of 21 years,27 years amrried. he was ordered to make the mortgage payment not me. So I guess if ya count what he is ordered to pay it is around 1800 a month. I get all my medical on post,but if I go off post I have a copay. The problem is finding an attorney to help me. I was told I cannot get ss becuz he pays me money each month. Attorney fees start here at 1500 for an uncontested divorce and will go as high as $10,000. Packing up and moving isnt right for me,I dont have anywhere to go. My whole life was spent traveling the world as a military wife so I have no friends. The ones I had here I have outgrown,they still drink & go to clubs & I prefer going to Bible study and Church. My faith is what has brought me thru all this. I keep getting tested,but Im still here.
I have such a huge glimmer of hope now,even tho I dont hear a human voice I still feel comfort from all of you.
Im an inventor,I have submitted my ideas to 3 companies. 1 company ripped me off,but the other 2 are very interested. Im trying to save $350,to do the 4 d renderings so it cant be brought to a focus group for market research and testing,then it goes to preproduction,then production. I almost wish now I would have taken the offer they gave me to purchace my idea(s). It wasnt much money but would have paid off the mortgage note. They will have made millions off it..
Im a spouce of 27 years of a military man. Married for 21 active duty,I get all my medical paid for unless I go off post,like for counceling. Finding a decent councelor is hard. How do I prove I have ptsd? I cant find any councelor to help me thats not as messed up as me.
Im so glad I decided to come back to this site. I came on here last year right after my court date,I was a much bigger mess then,so I have grown some I guess.It is the flashbacks & nightmares that cripple me sometimes to the point I barely function. If I didnt have my animals I know I wouldnt even get dressed or shower ,I would stay sat & do nothing. So they actually help me keep trying,just like people with kids. If women/men didnt have their kids depending on them Im sure it would be a much different story.These are like my children.
I want to thank each of you for your posts I feel absolutley blessed to have your support. Thank you Donna,I will follow the link and contact Karin.
mommom:
I really feel for you. When I read your posts, I feel your pain. I am not always the best at giving advice so personally, I don’t have a lot to give you, but I am here. I am not sure how you PROVE PTSD. Maybe if you do find a good counselor, they would confirm the PTSD diagnosis…I don’t know. I know what you mean about the animals and the kids analogy. We all need something to keep us going. I don’t have either one. I did have a cat that was like my baby. I had her for 18 years (a long time for a cat), but she has been gone since 2005 and I never replaced her. And I never had children. Sometimes I am not sure if that is good or bad after I hear all the horror stories about people’s children.
Anyway, I am here. I will always read what is going on with you and try to be as supportive as I can 🙂
He (spath) went to my family on fb and family doctor and whomever else would buy his lies. He has turned them all against me. He started his campaign right after my Dad died in 05. While I was in my home state burying my father he was partying & had a woman living in my house. Thats when some of my personal stuff disappeared. She was using my makeup,cooking in my kitchen. 1 of my per opposums died from neglect,he didnt get the door shut to his pen and a dog killed him. He tried to tell me he died of natual causes. There was blood all over the pen. “GASLIGHTING” He then tried to tell me I must have either taken my antique china with me or misplaced it before I left.
I was seeing things when I found physical proof he had a woman in my bed,I wasnt really seeing the spots,I had jetlag.
Over the next few years my quilt I made from my Dads western shirts disappeared from my closet,a quilt i made for my granddaughter disappeared. My diamond rings,my rare gemstone collections disappeared. My Burma jade bowls. I apparently misplaced a whole houseful of stuff. Low and behold,only my personal things were getting broken too. He took all my family pics,my Dad and mom,pics of my sisters/brothers.Comforters,sheet sets & yes even food started to disappear. I was misplacing all this. He had my Dr convinced I was loosing it, & was crazy. This was part of his drive her crazy campaign. Sometimes things would magically reappear in the oddest places. Usually it was gone for good,especially if it was nice jewelry.
2 months ago he tells me he has known about a daughter for 32 years,she is born from his 1st cousin. He said Im a selfish bitch cuz I wont let her come & live at the farm with me.
I have had pets disappear,he liked to kill things and set fires. He set 3 major fires in 1 week,the fire dept was told I set the fires. I just dont understand how people can be so gullible/stupid. He wears so many hats in a day I wonder how he never gets confused. He has a minimum of 20 personalitys. Im really glad he is gone,I just started to feel safe about 1 month ago to where I can sleep all night.
Welcome to you Divine. Im pretty new myself,but I already feel a huge weight off my shoulders. Finally someone who knows this song and has danced to the exact same tune,with the exception of a few different steps.
mommom:
Wow, that man is POISON!! Unbelievable! Thank God he is gone!!!
eb92044,thank you. In 1991 when I came back from Germany I adopted 3 brothers. My last 1 had to be put down 1 year ago he had bone cancer. he was 21. I lost his briothers 1 to heart failure and another was fed that toxic pet food from China while at the vet getting surgery. He went into total renal failure. I have a manx I adopted,she was born with spina bifida. I taught her how to walk. I was told she wouldnt live past 1 years,were going on 6 years now. I just love her so much. She walks on her hind legs like a human foot and has to wear baby sox. I wish there was a way to share a pic of her. She is sooooo spoiled & naughty. She rules this place at a whole 5.5 pounds. She loves her mommy. I also have chickens that were born deformed in the beak. I had to teach her how to eat with a crooked beak. All my animals are special in some way. Most people would have killed then becuz they arent physically perfect. Life is life to me & it is so precious. LOL I have the only farm with crooked animals.
Im going to get to bed. Hope you have a good rest everyone. Im about emotionally & physically spent for this day has come to an end. Ill spend some time with God and go to bed.
mommom:
You are obviously an extremely caring and nurturing person. It takes a special person to take in the handicapped animals…awwwww. What a heart you have!