Last week I posted two articles related to the Vienna Presbyterian Church in Vienna, Virginia. Between 2001 and 2005, as many as a dozen teenage girls may have suffered sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse from a church youth director. This year, the youth director was long gone, but church leaders felt that the wounds had not be properly addressed and healed. So a few months ago, the pastor and church issued a public apology.
Lawyers for the church’s insurance company warned the church not to accept responsibility for the failings of the youth director. Doing so, the insurance company said, would jeopardize the church’s coverage in case a lawsuit was filed.
The Vienna Presbyterian Church ignored the demands of its insurance company. On March 27, Pastor Peter James preached a sermon that acknowledged the church’s failings.
“Let me speak for a moment to our survivors,” he said. “We, as church leaders, were part of the harm in failing to extend the compassion and mercy that you needed. Some of you felt uncared for, neglected and even blamed in this church. I am truly sorry ”¦ I regret the harm this neglect has caused you.”
Guess what—so far, none of the young women has filed a lawsuit.
Why not? The case would be a slam-dunk. The youth director pleaded guilty to contributing to the delinquency of a minor. The church accepted responsibility. Several of the now young women have trouble in relationships, because they are still seeking the fantasy that the youth director promised. If they filed suit, they’d win.
My guess is that the women don’t want money. They want to be heard. They want to be validated. And they want to be healed.
Invisible damage
The problem with sociopathic entanglements is that so much of the damage is invisible. Even in cases where we lose money, jobs, homes, and are subject to physical violence, the big wounds are not readily apparent. Before all those obvious injuries occurred, the sociopaths softened us up with emotional manipulation, psychological control and spiritual abuse. These internal wounds not only eat at us, but they make it difficult for us to respond to, and recover from, the obvious physical damage.
After the sociopath, we need to purge our emotional and mental pain. We need internal stability. But when we reach out for help on this level, many of the people around us simply don’t get it.
They don’t understand why we need to talk so much about what happened. They don’t understand how, when we suspected that we were being used, we allowed it to continue. They don’t understand why we are still confused in our thoughts and emotions about the sociopath.
Get over it, they tell us.
These are the people, of course, who are lucky enough to have avoided a direct assault from a sociopath in their own lives. We often understand why they don’t really understand what happened—after all, we were once as clueless as they are. Still, their ignorance of the depth of our pain seems to increase our pain. We feel like we are not being heard, and our suffering is being invalidated.
Debriefing
Karin Huffer, in her book, the Legal Abuse Syndrome, describes this situation in detail in her chapter on “Debriefing.”
Debriefing, she says, is the first step in recovery. In the debriefing process, we tell someone exactly what happened to us, in all the painful detail. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find what Huffer describes as “quality listeners.” These are people who have the ability to hear what we have to say, overriding their own protective filters. She writes:
Protective filters are always at work. If an individual begins to share with another and the data threatens the listener’s feelings of safety, they may try to divert the data or simply not hear it at all ”¦
The function of this protective filter is to maintain the equilibrium of the listener. Victims’ stories shake the foundations that we lean upon in order to feel safe. When it is impossible for friends or family to hear, due to their protective psychological filters shielding them from vicarious pain, the victim feels rejected and alone.
Huffer goes on to describe a formal debriefing process. It’s best done with a quality listener or support group, but an individual can do it alone if necessary.
Support at Lovefraud
I believe that we have many, many quality listeners on Lovefraud. I am always amazed at the thoughtful, comforting and patient comments posted in response to readers who are spilling their traumatized guts.
The reason Lovefraud readers can do this, of course, is because we’ve all been there. We know what it’s like to be deceived, betrayed and assaulted. We know what it’s like to sit amidst the wreckage of what was once our lives. We’re all on the path to recovery, and those of us who are further along help those of us who are just beginning.
Healing, in the end, is an individual journey. To fully recover, we must consciously excavate and examine our pain, and find a way to let it go. But the process is helped immensely when we are heard and validated. I am so glad that Lovefraud offers this to so many people.
darwinsmom
As I said earlier this week… this site reminds me a lot of the group therapy I once had regarding ID-crisis. We were all traumatized in our identity for different reasons, but we were all “listening” to each other. The minimum period usually was 1.5-2 years. So in the course of that period, people were able to debrief part by part a lot.
I went for dinner at my parents yesterday. I mostly talk about it to my mother. My father may respond too protective when I debrief. She used to be a social worker so she has a professional ability to listen.
She asked me yesterday what I was mostly angry about. I had to think about that for a while and said; the fact that 2 years of my life (which for me means opportunities) have been wasted, not just because of incompatibility, but a deliberate set-up and lies.
It’s not just stealing someone’s heart, not just stealing someone’s finances… but stealing time for a hopeless case.
Joanie123
Annie I didn’t mean to minimize the impact of victimization on the male psyche do to the female sociopath but it appears they are few men posting on here about their experiences.
I have read a thread from “godlike productions” entitled “whores from hell” where the men vent about their experiences with female socipaths so maybe men feel more comfortable venting on an all male forum.
Also men are taught to suck it up and hide their feelings which could explain why there aren’t more males venting on here.
I’m very grateful for this site and the anonymity of the internet in general. Maybe in the past the statistics have been wrong and the only reason more people are coming out of the woodwork is because on the internet you can remain anonymous and discuss how you were conned by a spath
something people would be reluctant to do in person in a group setting.
Lovefraud is one of the most cruelest forms of deceit one person could inflict on another because it destroys the human spirit.
Those of us who have been hurt will eventually heal but at the same time it’s an experience we’ll never forget. It destroys our belief in human kind that most people are good at heart with the exception of the sociopaths. It takes years to recover from. I hope I haven’t offended any one here because of my prior post but it seemed when I was looking for psychiatric help many years ago I came off as the nut job and the reason was my brains were scrambled by a sociopath. And as others here have said you can’t explain it to someone who has never experienced it.
I had a male cousin who married a woman and was divorced shortly after. He went into a deep depression and was like a “zombie” for a few years and now that I look back on it I bet 10 to 1 he was a victim of a female sociopath.
Joanie
abbri
Superkid,
I too recently relapsed with my NC. He triangulated me last week with his newest victim and I went back with him only to “stick it to her” for the nasty things she was saying to me. Now that I’m broke again until next payday (bought him cigarettes, beer, gas, etc., what an idiot I am!) he’s back with her and I feel like I’m starting from scratch again (although I don’t feel nearly as devastated as last time, so that’s a good sign I think).
Worse, the only two good friends I have left, who have stuck with me for 5 years of this bull****, are backing away after this last relapse. Neither have been victimized by spaths in a relationship, and no matter how hard I try to explain, they just don’t get it. I don’t blame them for losing faith in me but it will just make it that much harder to maintain the NC without other supports.
I just feel like SUCH a fool for being taken in again, believing his lies when I really knew they weren’t true. I’ve heard it said many times that loving a spath is like being under a magical spell. That’s so true.
My new therapist, luckily, is well-versed with psychopaths so I’m finally getting the right treatment.
Anyway, hope you can get out again soon and hopefully this time, for both of us, the NC will stick for good and there will finally be light at the end of the tunnel…
one/joy_step_at_a_time
i posted a few times yesterday about what was going on, and i could use some support. i am wrecked today. my muscles are aching and and my body is swollen. head is fuzzy as hell. this is all the affect of the chemicals released into my body from the crazy boy acting out yesterday. that drama lasted for hours. i even have these huge circles under my eyes – which means that my liver isn’t happy either.
i came home late and his light was on, so i guess his mother didn’t take him out of here. why the hell not?
FanHelsing
This is my first post, but I want to thank all of you for helping me during my recovery from the devastation wrought by a female whatever you want to call her. Sociopath, malignant narcissist, or just really selfish, manipulative, unfeeling woman. It is a day to day struggle dealing with the disaster resulting from this relationship, but the folks on this site have given me wisdom, insight, strength, and a few laughs along the way. Thank you Dr. Anderson and thanks to all the regular participants.
Louise
I am with you all. My friends never gave me any support either. They just do not get it because it didn’t happen to them.
sstiles54
I want to thank you, Donna, for the tireless work you do. I’m glad you created a safe haven for all the abused. I still read a lot, just don’t post much. I’m 6 years spathole free. In some some ways I’ve been able to heal, others not so much. I may be as far along as I’m ever gonna get. I have the awfulest nightmares about him, the hell just seems to go on forever.
Keep putting your healing words out there!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
going to keep posting until i get some response; i need some connection. Kim? somebody?
Hope to heal
One/Joy ~ I haven’t been around, but I’ll try to help if I can. What’s going on?
ElizabethBennett
One-what’s wrong? I’m going into counseling in five minutes but I want u to know I hear u.