Last week I posted two articles related to the Vienna Presbyterian Church in Vienna, Virginia. Between 2001 and 2005, as many as a dozen teenage girls may have suffered sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse from a church youth director. This year, the youth director was long gone, but church leaders felt that the wounds had not be properly addressed and healed. So a few months ago, the pastor and church issued a public apology.
Lawyers for the church’s insurance company warned the church not to accept responsibility for the failings of the youth director. Doing so, the insurance company said, would jeopardize the church’s coverage in case a lawsuit was filed.
The Vienna Presbyterian Church ignored the demands of its insurance company. On March 27, Pastor Peter James preached a sermon that acknowledged the church’s failings.
“Let me speak for a moment to our survivors,” he said. “We, as church leaders, were part of the harm in failing to extend the compassion and mercy that you needed. Some of you felt uncared for, neglected and even blamed in this church. I am truly sorry ”¦ I regret the harm this neglect has caused you.”
Guess what—so far, none of the young women has filed a lawsuit.
Why not? The case would be a slam-dunk. The youth director pleaded guilty to contributing to the delinquency of a minor. The church accepted responsibility. Several of the now young women have trouble in relationships, because they are still seeking the fantasy that the youth director promised. If they filed suit, they’d win.
My guess is that the women don’t want money. They want to be heard. They want to be validated. And they want to be healed.
Invisible damage
The problem with sociopathic entanglements is that so much of the damage is invisible. Even in cases where we lose money, jobs, homes, and are subject to physical violence, the big wounds are not readily apparent. Before all those obvious injuries occurred, the sociopaths softened us up with emotional manipulation, psychological control and spiritual abuse. These internal wounds not only eat at us, but they make it difficult for us to respond to, and recover from, the obvious physical damage.
After the sociopath, we need to purge our emotional and mental pain. We need internal stability. But when we reach out for help on this level, many of the people around us simply don’t get it.
They don’t understand why we need to talk so much about what happened. They don’t understand how, when we suspected that we were being used, we allowed it to continue. They don’t understand why we are still confused in our thoughts and emotions about the sociopath.
Get over it, they tell us.
These are the people, of course, who are lucky enough to have avoided a direct assault from a sociopath in their own lives. We often understand why they don’t really understand what happened—after all, we were once as clueless as they are. Still, their ignorance of the depth of our pain seems to increase our pain. We feel like we are not being heard, and our suffering is being invalidated.
Debriefing
Karin Huffer, in her book, the Legal Abuse Syndrome, describes this situation in detail in her chapter on “Debriefing.”
Debriefing, she says, is the first step in recovery. In the debriefing process, we tell someone exactly what happened to us, in all the painful detail. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find what Huffer describes as “quality listeners.” These are people who have the ability to hear what we have to say, overriding their own protective filters. She writes:
Protective filters are always at work. If an individual begins to share with another and the data threatens the listener’s feelings of safety, they may try to divert the data or simply not hear it at all ”¦
The function of this protective filter is to maintain the equilibrium of the listener. Victims’ stories shake the foundations that we lean upon in order to feel safe. When it is impossible for friends or family to hear, due to their protective psychological filters shielding them from vicarious pain, the victim feels rejected and alone.
Huffer goes on to describe a formal debriefing process. It’s best done with a quality listener or support group, but an individual can do it alone if necessary.
Support at Lovefraud
I believe that we have many, many quality listeners on Lovefraud. I am always amazed at the thoughtful, comforting and patient comments posted in response to readers who are spilling their traumatized guts.
The reason Lovefraud readers can do this, of course, is because we’ve all been there. We know what it’s like to be deceived, betrayed and assaulted. We know what it’s like to sit amidst the wreckage of what was once our lives. We’re all on the path to recovery, and those of us who are further along help those of us who are just beginning.
Healing, in the end, is an individual journey. To fully recover, we must consciously excavate and examine our pain, and find a way to let it go. But the process is helped immensely when we are heard and validated. I am so glad that Lovefraud offers this to so many people.
be safe Mom…..and DO NOT HESITATE to call police!
I eat a lot of beans. Dried beans. You either soak them over night or you boil them for three minutes, turn off the heat and let them soak for one hour, then you simmer them for a couple of hours. I add sauteed onion, garlic, celery, and sometimes carrot. Bacon, a ham-bone, or ham hocks, neck-bones, or salt pork, flavors them, nicely. Don’t add salt or anything acidic til they are soft, this toughens them….and don’t boil to hard as this will burst the skins and you will have hulls and mush. I use pinto beans and add cilantro and jalapinos, then wrap in a tortilla. I use kidney beans for chili. I make baby limas with ham-hocks. Also great northen beans with ham-hocks or bacon. Split-pea soup is a favorite! I also like the cajun variety of 15 bean soup.
You can feed an army for a couple of bucks, and it’s hearty, full of protein, and pretty tastey, too.
Mommom, I agree with ErinB. Be proactive, but be safe. If he is the type who would try to poison you, who knows what he might do if you catch him outside and no one is around? I don’t mean to live in fear either, but don’t take chances with your life. Do what you can to protect yourself first, then your animals. If you can get any of the equipment suggested, do so. Just be careful. I fully believe that if I didn’t have family living close by who were alerted to have him investigated if anything ever happened to me, there’s a good chance I might not be alive today. I think I also would’ve had my coffee poisoned or something. Maybe he was trying to do something like that when he was getting into my house. All I ever did was change locks and put extra hardware on the outside garage door that had a pet door, because after I changed the locks, he was getting into that one. I couldn’t have proven that to police or anything, but I knew, could tell things had been slightly moved, looked through, etc. I think it was just to scare me and send a message that I couldn’t really get rid of him, that he would always find a way to get to me if he wanted. Maybe yours is doing something similar. I felt that people would think I was a nut without proof, so I never called the police. Looking back, I should have persisted with police reports, but after my bad experience with being denied a protective order even with police reports, I didn’t think it would do any good. after reading what others here have said, I think I gave up too quickly. I think you should put whatever protective equipment/hardware on your house and animal area that you can afford and call police if you think he is there. I also have had that feeling that he is watching or is there somewhere outside my house. This also is something that I don’t think people who haven’t dealt with sociopaths in their lives would believe or understand, that sense you develop that they are there. I wish it was easier to convince others, but again, they are thinking about what would be likely with a semi-normal person, not a sociopath. It may take a while, but if you are persistent in dealing with it, not ignoring it, but not confronting him directly yourself, and not falling apart over it, I think he will tire of it.
Does anyone else get that anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach when reading about what others are dealing with that is similar to what you’ve dealt with?
thanks for the posts. I do eat alot of beans,basically Im not a meat eater. I eat brown rice too. I have learned a whole new way of cooking. I dont mind it much. I do wish I could have fresh fruit more often tho. I wasnt able to have a garden this year. For some odd reason there wasnt any bees around to pollinate my trees. The grass is so tall I cant get into my garden spot. My riding mower is broken & I have been trying to but grass with an old sycle I had. It isnt much good for grass tho.
As far as changing the locks,while I appreciate the comments,I simply cannot afford to buy any locks. I put knives into the door frames at night. I have L brackets on all the windows so they cannot be opened.
I live on $120 a month after I pay bills. It may seem like Im whinning but the fact is the cost of living here is so rediculas ,doubled in 1 year. I have to keep a certain amount for emergencies,usually I keep back $25 a month. I have needed to go to dentist for a long time. He wouldnt ever let me go. Menopause has pretty much left my teeth in shambles. My back teeth are always abcessed. He will never tire of messing with me,Im his entertainment. When he was still living here I thought if I stopped complaining about his physical gaslighting of me he would get bored and stop. He beat my 12y/o dog,broke his leg in 2 places and dislocated it at the joint on the shoulder. Then my cats started to disappear,my laying hens were disappearing,then would “””reappear””” in a couple days in the wrong coop. He must have someone helping him do this. Where is all my stuff he never did return? He actually runs and cries when I confront him. He is like a naughty little boy when he would get caught. He would say,”I dont know why I do it”. He fears authority but also has no respect for it. Does that make sence?
He does know me well enough that if he did try to come in the house at night it wouldnt be a good thing for him,thats why he messes with my birds outside. I know to never underestimate him or the power of evil. I believe he is nephelium. I hope someone knows what Im talking about here. I refuse to walk on eggshells at night here,he knows Ill fight back now. Years ago I wouldnt even to keep from getting beat up. 1 night I just had enough and I came unhinged as he was kicking me & holding me on the floor belly down with my arms pinned behind my back. I felt him ease up just a little and I jumped yp and grabbed a huge glass vase and beat him in the head with it. He cried like a baby and was suprised. Thats when the emotional torture started,I wasnt even aware of it until it was to late. Now Im at this point,an emotional basketcase,no family,no money no income I have nothing. I know it is coming down to days that Ill be homeless too. He has the mkoney and power,my family to go against me in court.
I deserve better than what I was given by the courts,I was a military wife for 21 years.I was a full time student,fulltime redcross volunteer,full time mom, I worked fulltime fulltime hausmister & took care of over 200 women who’s husbands had gone to the first gulf war. I lived in Germany then. I have been the reason he made his rank,I did his studies. I helped him study for boards, I personally did all the ironing and sewing of his military uniforms.
He bought me this place he said becuz of everything I had done to support him and the military for 21 years. Now it is all going to be taken from me becuz I can no longer work a fultime job and I dont have resources and the funds to help myself. He took all my equipment that I used to make money. He took it about 6 months before he was removed from the house. It would cosy me around $10,000 to get new equipment again.. I was a good jeweler,silversmith. I know how to ID gemstones,I know just about everything about the industry and gemology. I also used to sew,he took my embroidery machine that I used to make memory quilts for people. It was pretty good money too.
There is still more. I just feel so filled with hatred,anger when I relive this. I know God in his Grace and mercy is with me. My faith is what brought me “through” it all. Im trying to learn to forgive him,it is required of a Christian. Not for him,but for me. Jesus has given me his grace .
Im naturally very passive I dont like hurting anyone or anything. I have empathy for him(spath),the emotional torture that must be going on in his head,but I know to not allow my empathy to make me vulnerable again.
I would also like to say over the last year I have tried every single avenue available to me only to have roadblocks put in fron of me. Now Im nearing my 1 year court date and I have given up. Ill let the cards fall where they may and deal with whatever happens when it does. Ill have to accept whatever happensit is my only option. Thats accepting the reality of it I think.
Imust;
It makes me angry and protective of my LF peeps. I know the feelings they are going through and I know what worked for me……and I also know we must rescue ourselves FOR ourselves. No one can do it for us. We can have our hands held…..but we must do it with the support.
MoM:
Don’t let your religion confuse the reality of dealing with a dangerous person. I don’t mean to be degrading or harsh or disrespect your beliefs…..I will liken it to when I first got out…..I heard over and over…..God will take care of you.
Okay yes……BUT….I’ve got to get off my ass and do something first!
Don’t even cross the bridge of foregiveness yet…..that will confuse you more at this point. (read the LF articles on foregiveness). We’ve had many discussions on this.
Yes….foregiveness is for US…..but in it’s own time.
There is a time and place for everything.
When dealing with a dangerous spath…..it comes down to YOU or HIM. What’s your choice darlen……there are NO martyrs here!
You must use your anger to catapult you into movement.
Yes…..money is tight. You MUST become resourseful. Clear your head and decide if your safety is worth spending money you don’t see yourself as having…..in order to save your life and STOP this insanity.
For your teeth….there are clinics….FIND ONE.
For your safety…….figure out your needs!!!
For your income…….borrow a sewing machine, get old rags, or military uniforms and make a quilt or two….and sell it!
Go to your church for food help, social services for emotional needs referals, and the military for resources.
Don’t look at what you DON”T HAVE……look for the resources you DO have available to you!!!!
BE SOLUTION MINDED!
Remove the victim stamp from your psyche and DECLARE YOURSELF A SURVIVOR>……and move forward from there.
For a woman who is willing to camp out on a roof, run power tools by herself and take care of others……YOUR NO SHRINKING VIOLET. Don’t let the victimization rule you!!!!!
Empower yourself!
When life appears to give you roadblocks…..MOW EM DOWN!!!!!
If you ‘give up’……the world will not help you!!!
I’m telling ya girl…..wanna hear my story…..(sorry folks, you’ve all been beaten over the head with it!) 🙂
Okay…..cliff notes version.
Married 28 years to spath.
Kids.
Found out he took kids to a drug farm and was trying to get them to ‘join’ his drug operation…..and sell to kids.
EB Booted him.
1 month later….BOOM….I had 2 strokes.
3 weeks later, hospitalized with disected internal carotid artery over x-mas for 2 weeks. My mother informed spath I was dying……spath ran home to take over.
He abused kids….while I was incapacitated, booted our renter and took over our business. I was ‘out of comission’ and couldn’t do a things.
3 months later…i was diagnosed with Cancer…..surgery, radiation, treatments…..2 years.
Spath told me he was going to put me 6 feet under.
He tried …..unsuccessfully!
I decided…..DIE or FIGHT…….(here i am).
I fought as I was fighting for my life.
At my lowest……he filed for divorce. Thinking I coudn’t fight him.
He was WRONG! I found the gumption and muster and went apeshit, balls to the wall to expose him.
Am I a weathy woman……Um, not anymore…..he drained all accounts, demolished my kitchen and was escorted out by cops leaving me no money, all debts and no kitchen….and kids to raise…in this condition. bedridden and in a wheelchair.
he kidnapped kids…..gone for 3.5 months.
I continued to fight. HARD.
My attorney didn’t get it…..I was going down.
I had no more money, no more credit to draw from. i was cooked.
I researched my own divorce case and was ready to take it on myself. I went into Erin Brockovich Mode……and thought….FUCK YOU, you WILL NOT KILL ME….IN ANY FASHION!!!!
I traveled to Houston TX for my treatments, ran up 130K on credit cards to pay for medical insurance…….to continue treatments for my life…….
I reached out to any and all organizations for help all over my state and outside my state. I got my tooth fixed which he wouldn’t let me also…..for free. Dentists like good hygeine and there are dentists out there who will do this for FREE! You have to ask.
I got my kids back…..all messed up! Dealt with their emotional needs and physical needs.
Obtained restraining orders……3 years maybe 4…..filed Stalking orders on top of DV orders.
Was in quarenteen from my radiation…….8 days quarenteen each time…..back and forth to Dr’s…..
Endured his constant stalking….him, his family and friends/strangers……following my kids to/fro school etc…..
Gunshots in my yard, people walking around in my yard…..phone calls, threats etc….STALKING!
Kids and I were alienated from all family except ONE cousin of mine who saw his behaviors first hand.
My parents jumped ship to spathsville.
Each time I went into hospital he would break in to my home abnd ransack it…..EACH TIME!
I trusted NO ONE….not even my kids……AND I CONTINUED TO FIGHT.
I layed in tall grass, snow, did midnight runs to his house to reclaim my kids posessions……I gained access to his accounts for documentation to courts, I planted seeds of doubt in his head like he did mine…..He stole my car, I stole it back in a snowstorm at 3am.
I had him evicted from my rental house…..he was occupying to impede my only income. I diverted his destruction of that property by bringing the sheriff over to immediatly get him out. I ‘traded’ my locks on my door with a friend he didn’t knows locks, so I didn’t have to buy new locks.
My gf bought me 2 cameras she was concerned with my safety.
I carried a digi camera at ALL times.
I carried a DIGI tape recorder at ALL times.
I was NC the whole time.
I filed NUMEROUS police reports…..and insisted they follow through. I called the sargeant myself several days after to follow up.
I turned over all drug and abuse and pedo info to authorities in 5 states…..with several fed and govmt agencies. Once they got info….I followed up.
IT WAS A FULL TIME JOB…..but you know what….I coudn’t work outside the home….so I made this my job.
I refused to be pushed around a minute longer……I thought about suicide…..then quickly thought again….my kids! He would ‘win’.
He claimed I was mentally ill and faked cancer……I was never sick. SOme believed him. NOT NOW>
Outcome:
I was awarded 98% of all assets…..and the stuff he was awarded….the cookbooks and jet ski and golf clubs, he never came back to claim. So I transfered title on that too! FUCK HIM.
I gave him NO MERCY!
I had HIS kids to raise…..that was my MERCY!
I continued to update the extended orders of protection each time he’d pull a stunt. He’s been ‘good’ for a while….so I didn’t renew them this year….no grounds. But….you better believe…..I won’t hesitate again….when he tries something, anythign, any contact whatsoever!!!!
He was arrested last year on felony drug charges….in another state……People in my community became aware of this……and it suddenly became clear to them WHAT I had been dealing with. I was no longer viewed as the mentally ill one…….OH SHIT, she was the victim all along.
Well…..yeah, that’s validating….NOW…. But it did me no good while my kids were taken, or I was battleing cancer or finances or whatnot……ALONE!
That was THEN…..Now…..I move forward, stayed in my community, continued the business, raising my kids, keeping the houses……(I’m losing one)….I kept on doing what I always did…..HE CAN”T STOP ME. That was MY choice.
So…..girl…..for now…..you got your health……IF I DID IT, YOU CAN TOO! I am nothing special, not highly educated…..I just developed balls and refused to be a continued victim!!!!
Will someone please tell me why I am craving and obsessing about smoking cigarettes–PLEASE! I quit three years ago for the spath-he didn’t want to date a smoker. I always say that quitting is the only thing good from that relationship. I have been like this for three weeks and have almost bought them everyday. I almost bought them a few minutes ago when I was out. I don’t get it!!!!
ElizabethBennett ~ DON’T DO IT!! (almost 11 years for me)
Maybe it’s something to do with rebellion against your spath???
He AIN’T worth it!!!
Hey, just remember how good it feels to do cardio now that your lungs are clear… you want to keep that feeling, right?
Cigarettes are thought to connect to babyhood and the one instinct that babies are born with, sucking. (oral fixation) Might mean you crave nurturing. Then again, might be that time of the month and choc will fill the need… or I could be just blowing smoke b/c as someone who never smoked, what the hell do I know. Please don’t start. It was a great thing you did for yourself. Don’t take on and make a mountain for you to climb. Look at it as a victory, and claim it as chosing to control. Whatever you/your body needs to do to not go there….