Last week I posted two articles related to the Vienna Presbyterian Church in Vienna, Virginia. Between 2001 and 2005, as many as a dozen teenage girls may have suffered sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse from a church youth director. This year, the youth director was long gone, but church leaders felt that the wounds had not be properly addressed and healed. So a few months ago, the pastor and church issued a public apology.
Lawyers for the church’s insurance company warned the church not to accept responsibility for the failings of the youth director. Doing so, the insurance company said, would jeopardize the church’s coverage in case a lawsuit was filed.
The Vienna Presbyterian Church ignored the demands of its insurance company. On March 27, Pastor Peter James preached a sermon that acknowledged the church’s failings.
“Let me speak for a moment to our survivors,” he said. “We, as church leaders, were part of the harm in failing to extend the compassion and mercy that you needed. Some of you felt uncared for, neglected and even blamed in this church. I am truly sorry ”¦ I regret the harm this neglect has caused you.”
Guess what—so far, none of the young women has filed a lawsuit.
Why not? The case would be a slam-dunk. The youth director pleaded guilty to contributing to the delinquency of a minor. The church accepted responsibility. Several of the now young women have trouble in relationships, because they are still seeking the fantasy that the youth director promised. If they filed suit, they’d win.
My guess is that the women don’t want money. They want to be heard. They want to be validated. And they want to be healed.
Invisible damage
The problem with sociopathic entanglements is that so much of the damage is invisible. Even in cases where we lose money, jobs, homes, and are subject to physical violence, the big wounds are not readily apparent. Before all those obvious injuries occurred, the sociopaths softened us up with emotional manipulation, psychological control and spiritual abuse. These internal wounds not only eat at us, but they make it difficult for us to respond to, and recover from, the obvious physical damage.
After the sociopath, we need to purge our emotional and mental pain. We need internal stability. But when we reach out for help on this level, many of the people around us simply don’t get it.
They don’t understand why we need to talk so much about what happened. They don’t understand how, when we suspected that we were being used, we allowed it to continue. They don’t understand why we are still confused in our thoughts and emotions about the sociopath.
Get over it, they tell us.
These are the people, of course, who are lucky enough to have avoided a direct assault from a sociopath in their own lives. We often understand why they don’t really understand what happened—after all, we were once as clueless as they are. Still, their ignorance of the depth of our pain seems to increase our pain. We feel like we are not being heard, and our suffering is being invalidated.
Debriefing
Karin Huffer, in her book, the Legal Abuse Syndrome, describes this situation in detail in her chapter on “Debriefing.”
Debriefing, she says, is the first step in recovery. In the debriefing process, we tell someone exactly what happened to us, in all the painful detail. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find what Huffer describes as “quality listeners.” These are people who have the ability to hear what we have to say, overriding their own protective filters. She writes:
Protective filters are always at work. If an individual begins to share with another and the data threatens the listener’s feelings of safety, they may try to divert the data or simply not hear it at all ”¦
The function of this protective filter is to maintain the equilibrium of the listener. Victims’ stories shake the foundations that we lean upon in order to feel safe. When it is impossible for friends or family to hear, due to their protective psychological filters shielding them from vicarious pain, the victim feels rejected and alone.
Huffer goes on to describe a formal debriefing process. It’s best done with a quality listener or support group, but an individual can do it alone if necessary.
Support at Lovefraud
I believe that we have many, many quality listeners on Lovefraud. I am always amazed at the thoughtful, comforting and patient comments posted in response to readers who are spilling their traumatized guts.
The reason Lovefraud readers can do this, of course, is because we’ve all been there. We know what it’s like to be deceived, betrayed and assaulted. We know what it’s like to sit amidst the wreckage of what was once our lives. We’re all on the path to recovery, and those of us who are further along help those of us who are just beginning.
Healing, in the end, is an individual journey. To fully recover, we must consciously excavate and examine our pain, and find a way to let it go. But the process is helped immensely when we are heard and validated. I am so glad that Lovefraud offers this to so many people.
Nolarn:
Don’t start smoking again, please. Especially after three years…that is a long time! My dad died of lung cancer (non smoker) and now my uncle (my mom’s brother is dying of it…he was a smoker). My poor mom, she lost her husband and now she will be losing her brother…she is so upset. Lung cancer is the worst death you will ever see. So please don’t start again. I care what happens to you.
Ooops, sorry, I meant Lizzy!
I know what he is,I just have such a hard time accepting it. I know when I had him removed it wasnt a decision I made lightly. I always think long and hard before I act. I just have such a hard time coming to grips with the fact that my life for 27 years has all been a lie. I can say the words,IT WAS ALL A LIE BUT i JUST CANT SEEM TO ACCEPT THEM,I know youall know what Im saying. I think,maybe there was something I did or didnt do that couldve made a difference. Then I realize there was nothing.
Im sorry for your hardtime AB,it sounds like hell.
Being a Christian woman , yes I need to forgive him. It doesnt mean I have to ever have him in my life again,the Bible doesnt say that. It says I must forgive,becuz grace has been given to me for my sins. This is hard for some people to understand that dont live by the Bible. Religion and Chritianityare 2 different things,religion is what mankind made to fit Jesus into a mold of what they wanted him to be,not who he really is. Christianity is,living each and every day 24/7 as Christ would. I do take offence at the fact that the Bible is so misquoted and misunderstood. I praise him even thru all this not just when things are going fine. I cant wait for tonight,Revival.
Yeah it was pretty silly last night,sleep on the roof. It was good for a couple laughs tho. I havent given up,Im just giving it over to my Saviour. I know whatever happenes will happen for a reason I dont understand,but will make me stronger.
I fixed my riding mower all by myself Im so proud. Im all greasy. When it gets below 90 Ill go out & try to mow some hay. That’ll save me 11 bucks a month to make my own again. I have a friend that owns the 1 and only jewelry store here,Ill go see if she needs a parttime jeweler to resize rings or do any smithing.
I try to eat all natural,no perservatives,no salt,no transfats. Nothing out of a can or box ever.
I do have security here I just choose not not advertise it in case someone in his family is on this blog. I like to stay low profile on certain things.
I have tried all the avenues you speak of for help. Im at the 1000 cut off point to be able get any help,even food bank. To many people were abusing it so there are criteria in place to help guard against fraud. Im actually kinda glad there is no help for me,might make me lazy & to dependant,Ill not do that. I get by,but would be nice to have clothes that fit me. Im a size zero all my clothes are a size 7-9. Not very many here my size unless they are kids. I got a pair of jeans from the thrift store,they have Dora the explorer on the seat pocket funny huh? Im a size 12-14 in girls. I sold 3 dozen eggs,thats $4.50 more than I had a couple hours ago.
I know you all mean well,but I havent just sat on my butt this last year,I have fought and fought until I cant breath. I have tried everything,thats why I was complaining. It just doesnt seem fair to have such a low cutoff point. They want ya down and to stay down. Im exhausted. I have written my congress,my local ss office. I even sent a letter to 1600 Penn Avenue. Thank you for the support
wow is it hot today. I gotta go give everyone cold water soon. Im like a kid playing under the hose it is fun and refreshing.
I just recieved a revelation,my not being able to accept that a spath is a spath is kinda like someone who knows of a higher power,but cannot accept it is God. Does this make sence or am I reaching here.
I think we should all share our favorite recipes for eating on the cheap. I have some I got from a site on youtube,called depression cooking. It is good and cheap. Her name is Clara and she is 94 years young. She uses a bit to much fat for my taste but it can be modified. Anyone else heard of her?
mommom:
I have not heard of Clara, but I would be interested in the recipes. I will look her up. Thanks!
Mom…..just tryen to help. Sorry there seems to be no relief for you in your unique situation.
Good luck.
FAD:
Only you can decide how to ‘pick your battles’.
For me….I’d think I may let this one slide…..he can sleep in the car to/fro.
Better yet…..let pops take him….and he can be crabby with HIM! 🙂
EB:
Thanks for your story. I hadn’t heard it before.
Hey EB,
What about wanting to take Jr. to the Dr. once a month, for a cough, runny nose…etc?
It’s getting expensive, and usually they don’t request to see the child unless a fever is involved or the child’s well-being is compromised ie: sleepless nights.
Right now it’s a cough, which has been present for a few weeks, but is very infrequent.
FAD, I agree with EB a little off schedule isn’t worth the fight, as for the going to the doctor every time junior sneezes I suggest you talk to the doctor and tell him to tell daddy o what the things he SHOULD come in for or should NOT….I agree with you on the not taking him to the doctor every time he sneezes….besides, jerk face may be doing it just to pith you off. You have to keep in mind motivation.