Last week I posted two articles related to the Vienna Presbyterian Church in Vienna, Virginia. Between 2001 and 2005, as many as a dozen teenage girls may have suffered sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse from a church youth director. This year, the youth director was long gone, but church leaders felt that the wounds had not be properly addressed and healed. So a few months ago, the pastor and church issued a public apology.
Lawyers for the church’s insurance company warned the church not to accept responsibility for the failings of the youth director. Doing so, the insurance company said, would jeopardize the church’s coverage in case a lawsuit was filed.
The Vienna Presbyterian Church ignored the demands of its insurance company. On March 27, Pastor Peter James preached a sermon that acknowledged the church’s failings.
“Let me speak for a moment to our survivors,” he said. “We, as church leaders, were part of the harm in failing to extend the compassion and mercy that you needed. Some of you felt uncared for, neglected and even blamed in this church. I am truly sorry ”¦ I regret the harm this neglect has caused you.”
Guess what—so far, none of the young women has filed a lawsuit.
Why not? The case would be a slam-dunk. The youth director pleaded guilty to contributing to the delinquency of a minor. The church accepted responsibility. Several of the now young women have trouble in relationships, because they are still seeking the fantasy that the youth director promised. If they filed suit, they’d win.
My guess is that the women don’t want money. They want to be heard. They want to be validated. And they want to be healed.
Invisible damage
The problem with sociopathic entanglements is that so much of the damage is invisible. Even in cases where we lose money, jobs, homes, and are subject to physical violence, the big wounds are not readily apparent. Before all those obvious injuries occurred, the sociopaths softened us up with emotional manipulation, psychological control and spiritual abuse. These internal wounds not only eat at us, but they make it difficult for us to respond to, and recover from, the obvious physical damage.
After the sociopath, we need to purge our emotional and mental pain. We need internal stability. But when we reach out for help on this level, many of the people around us simply don’t get it.
They don’t understand why we need to talk so much about what happened. They don’t understand how, when we suspected that we were being used, we allowed it to continue. They don’t understand why we are still confused in our thoughts and emotions about the sociopath.
Get over it, they tell us.
These are the people, of course, who are lucky enough to have avoided a direct assault from a sociopath in their own lives. We often understand why they don’t really understand what happened—after all, we were once as clueless as they are. Still, their ignorance of the depth of our pain seems to increase our pain. We feel like we are not being heard, and our suffering is being invalidated.
Debriefing
Karin Huffer, in her book, the Legal Abuse Syndrome, describes this situation in detail in her chapter on “Debriefing.”
Debriefing, she says, is the first step in recovery. In the debriefing process, we tell someone exactly what happened to us, in all the painful detail. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find what Huffer describes as “quality listeners.” These are people who have the ability to hear what we have to say, overriding their own protective filters. She writes:
Protective filters are always at work. If an individual begins to share with another and the data threatens the listener’s feelings of safety, they may try to divert the data or simply not hear it at all ”¦
The function of this protective filter is to maintain the equilibrium of the listener. Victims’ stories shake the foundations that we lean upon in order to feel safe. When it is impossible for friends or family to hear, due to their protective psychological filters shielding them from vicarious pain, the victim feels rejected and alone.
Huffer goes on to describe a formal debriefing process. It’s best done with a quality listener or support group, but an individual can do it alone if necessary.
Support at Lovefraud
I believe that we have many, many quality listeners on Lovefraud. I am always amazed at the thoughtful, comforting and patient comments posted in response to readers who are spilling their traumatized guts.
The reason Lovefraud readers can do this, of course, is because we’ve all been there. We know what it’s like to be deceived, betrayed and assaulted. We know what it’s like to sit amidst the wreckage of what was once our lives. We’re all on the path to recovery, and those of us who are further along help those of us who are just beginning.
Healing, in the end, is an individual journey. To fully recover, we must consciously excavate and examine our pain, and find a way to let it go. But the process is helped immensely when we are heard and validated. I am so glad that Lovefraud offers this to so many people.
mommom
my brother in law was even involved in dealings of american black bears for hunting in a cage. You know what I mean right?
mommom
I cant do it now,but I still educate people. I also remove venonous snakes for free so they wont be killed. I educate people as to why they have snakes. Loose their food supply(trash bird feeders) bring in mice and rats and the snakes wont come
mommom
I didnt open a ring,I went UC to open them to prosicution. I get so keyed up when I talk about my passion.
skylar
mommom,
that was LL that asked the question about the garden and farm.
One thing most of us here eventually realize is that we are too compassionate. We overextend ourselves fixing everyone else’s lives and saving animals that we neglect ourselves. Consequently we never live up to our full potential as humans who can really make a difference. I’ve been where you are, saving animals that my spath brought me. It’s one of the ways he kept me anchored so that I couldn’t escape. He never expected me to grab 5 cats and run to my mom’s house in the middle of the night.
He also used the animal rescuer ploy to make himself look good. He never missed an opportunity to help a stray animal as long as someone was watching. it was the strongest tie that I had to him. And it was a lie.
mommom
woops sorry
I havent taken in new animals in 2 years. I will however go to help someone and show them what to do. I also send them to fellow rehab centers. I was a registerd rehab center or opposums and raccoons,/wildlife. After spath killed my opposum who trusted humans I just got out of it. I still try to do what I can to make a difference tho.
Yeah,spath did bring home all kinds of stuff,but as you said only when it served him to do so. He never missed an opportunity to look like a hero
mommom
I think Im finally starting to see,they all were cut from the same piece of cloth. Some have more wrinkles that others. Esentially they are all the same.
working with my animals give me a feeling of peace. When I was smithing I could work for hours and be where ever my mind went to. Maybe this is why he took everything that brought me joy
mommom
DING DING DING a light just came on. He enjoyed the good money i made,but he cut off his nose to spite his face. He took my smithing equipment ans sewing machines even tho I made money,cuz they gave me peace. IM GETTING IT GUYS..I MADE A SMALL BREAKTHRU
imustacheyouaquestion
Good for you mommom! That was a layer of the onion being peeled away. I love the empowered feeling that comes with that.
The comments about cutting off the nose to spite the face really hit home. I always thought about my ex’s behavior as deriving from his being fearless. Now I think it was more that he is willing to harm himself if that’s what it takes to harm someone else.
Also the stories about their destruction of the things that are meaningful to us, no matter what the consequences, and keeping us frozen from action by holding something/someone we love hostage.
Once when my ex was abusing me, I finally got the courage to leave. (I had called the police earlier in the evening, but at that time the physical abuse had only been shoving, so I just made a report and didn’t file charges. Ex left before the cop got there and returned after the cop left.) I put my daughters into the car (our daughter was just a baby) and was getting ready to back out of the driveway, when he came out and begged me to at least let him say goodbye to our daughter. He was crying actual tears. I let him open the car door to kiss her. He yanked her out of her car seat and ran back into the house with her. He knew that was the only thing that could have kept me there at that time. I of course followed him into the house. He had taken her into her room and was dangling her, holding her out for me to grab. As soon as I entered the room and took her, he moved to block the doorway so that I couldn’t leave. My other daughter, who was 11-12 at the time, was on the other side of him in the hallway. It was chaos for somewhere between 30 minutes and an hour. My daughter and I demanded and begged him to let me out to no avail. I tried to call 911 on my cell phone, but he took it away. I told my daughter to call 911 from the home phone, but when she went to the kitchen to do so, he had already ripped the line out of the wall on his way through the house (no normal person would think of that). My daughter then went to the neighbor’s house, but they did not come to open the door (it was the middle of the night). After hours of combined abuse, then keeping me in the room, I didn’t know what else to do. As I tried again to get around him in the doorway, I kneed him, hoping it would give me a second to get through. Instead, he punched me in the face (while I was still holding the baby), which spun me around. Then he continued to punch me in the back until I fell facedown on the bed that was in the room, with the baby underneath me so I could protect her from being punched. My older daughter was on his back, trying to stop him. Suddenly, he stopped and started saying, “What did you make me do?” over and over and crying. I was then allowed to leave with my daughters. I was too ashamed to go to my parents’ house, so I went to my mother-in-law’s house because I knew she would understand the abuse (ex’s dad severely abused them-sociopath I’m sure). I also didn’t file charges, because she begged me not to (later she told me it was mostly my fault he punched me, because I kneed him. She said I hurt him first, and he retaliated.). The next day I was shocked when the punch to the face had only caused a small cut and a slight black eye, not nearly as bad as it felt to me.
Anyway, that lengthy story was to express that he knew exactly what was the only thing that would keep me there, our daughter and he exploited it, even risking harm to her to do so.
I feel like my stories are too long and detailed, but I can’t seem to help it. It’s so great to be able to tell a story like this, something that sounds unbelievable to most people, and know that I will be believed because others here have gone through so many similar things. Thank you guys for listening.
Louise
Wow, mustache, that is a horrible story. And what it must have done to your older daughter! She must have scars from all that. So sad. Your stories are not too long. It’s good to read; I think everyone can learn and heal from what you have to say. You are right…they will always use SOMETHING…whatever it is, to make you stay or to make you do something they want.
candy
imustacheyouaquestion ”“ Wow.
It must have taken a great deal of courage and strength to write this post.
Thank you, it helps others to understand what is/was happening to them and how to get through it.
’I always thought about my ex’s behavior as deriving from his being fearless.’ Ok, I do not think that they are fearless, I think that they are very afraid. Afraid of losing control of ’us’ and that is what drives them.
’and keeping us frozen from action by holding something/someone we love hostage.’ Absolutely. If our child is being held hostage we would do ANYTHING to save them.
Frozen from action ”“ that is such a good use of words (saved to memory bank for later use)
’but at that time the physical abuse had only been shoving,’ take note”..shoving IS physical abuse. I took the word ’only’ out of this sentence and it read soooooooo differently.
’Ex left before the cop got there and returned after the cop left.’ This figures ”“ they run away. They will push, shove, punch you, but call the cops and they run like cockroaches in the light. See they are not tough, they are whimps.
’begged me to at least let him say goodbye to our daughter. He was crying actual tears.’ Bingo! Pity ploy at its best.
’I let him open the car door to kiss her. He yanked her out of her car seat and ran back into the house with her. He knew that was the only thing that could have kept me there at that time.’ As I said earlier, this is a hostage situation. What would a professional hostage negotiator have done?
’and was dangling her, holding her out for me to grab.’ What a wicked, wicked man to put his family through this cat and mouse game. And it’s all for HIS own gain. No empathy for you or your children.
’he moved to block the doorway so that I couldn’t leave.’ So now you AND your children are trapped with this monster.
’he had already ripped the line out of the wall on his way’ so, his actions were pre-meditated?
’My daughter then went to the neighbor’s house’ smart kid, what a great shame she got no response.
’I kneed him, hoping it would give me a second to get through’ THIS was your turning point in MY opinion. You stopped being a victim at this point. This was when you said NO MORE. He was losing now. Time to up the anti. So he gets physical.
’Instead, he punched me in the face (while I was still holding the baby), which spun me around. Then he continued to punch me in the back until I fell facedown’ Now he KNOWS he’s gone too far.
’with the baby underneath me so I could protect her from being punched’ ever seen a lioness with her cub? She would fight to the death to protect her young.
’My older daughter was on his back, trying to stop him’ In my opinion this child (cos that’s what she is) is going to need counselling. She has been traumatised in witnessing this ordeal.
“What did you make me do?” WTF. So now you are supposed to feel sorry for HIM?
’I was too ashamed to go to my parents’ house’ It’s this fear of telling others that keeps us bonded to the abuser.
’I also didn’t file charges, because she (MIL) begged me not to’ she was the lioness here ”“ trying to ’protect’ her son. Really the RIGHT thing for her would have been to pick up the phone and call the police herself but no.
’later she told me it was mostly my fault he punched me, because I kneed him’ —so now she is blaming you? WTF
’The next day I was shocked when the punch to the face had only caused a small cut and a slight black eye, not nearly as bad as it felt to me’ It was not the lack of physical evidence but the HUGE emotional scar that was not visible to the world. If you had had 2 broken arms you could have shown the world what he’d done. What you had was the emotional trauma and that is unseen by others.
’I feel like my stories are too long and detailed, but I can’t seem to help it’ you let it out girl, and keep letting it out. It’s the only way forward.
’ It’s so great to be able to tell a story like this, something that sounds unbelievable to most people’ You are believed here.
The people on LF DO GET IT. I am a believer that it also helps newbies here who may sometimes find it hard to express their life history.
And you thought yours was a long post. (tee hee)
Thank you.
Welcome to the 15% Club. The BEST club in the worldïŠ