Last week I posted two articles related to the Vienna Presbyterian Church in Vienna, Virginia. Between 2001 and 2005, as many as a dozen teenage girls may have suffered sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse from a church youth director. This year, the youth director was long gone, but church leaders felt that the wounds had not be properly addressed and healed. So a few months ago, the pastor and church issued a public apology.
Lawyers for the church’s insurance company warned the church not to accept responsibility for the failings of the youth director. Doing so, the insurance company said, would jeopardize the church’s coverage in case a lawsuit was filed.
The Vienna Presbyterian Church ignored the demands of its insurance company. On March 27, Pastor Peter James preached a sermon that acknowledged the church’s failings.
“Let me speak for a moment to our survivors,” he said. “We, as church leaders, were part of the harm in failing to extend the compassion and mercy that you needed. Some of you felt uncared for, neglected and even blamed in this church. I am truly sorry ”¦ I regret the harm this neglect has caused you.”
Guess what—so far, none of the young women has filed a lawsuit.
Why not? The case would be a slam-dunk. The youth director pleaded guilty to contributing to the delinquency of a minor. The church accepted responsibility. Several of the now young women have trouble in relationships, because they are still seeking the fantasy that the youth director promised. If they filed suit, they’d win.
My guess is that the women don’t want money. They want to be heard. They want to be validated. And they want to be healed.
Invisible damage
The problem with sociopathic entanglements is that so much of the damage is invisible. Even in cases where we lose money, jobs, homes, and are subject to physical violence, the big wounds are not readily apparent. Before all those obvious injuries occurred, the sociopaths softened us up with emotional manipulation, psychological control and spiritual abuse. These internal wounds not only eat at us, but they make it difficult for us to respond to, and recover from, the obvious physical damage.
After the sociopath, we need to purge our emotional and mental pain. We need internal stability. But when we reach out for help on this level, many of the people around us simply don’t get it.
They don’t understand why we need to talk so much about what happened. They don’t understand how, when we suspected that we were being used, we allowed it to continue. They don’t understand why we are still confused in our thoughts and emotions about the sociopath.
Get over it, they tell us.
These are the people, of course, who are lucky enough to have avoided a direct assault from a sociopath in their own lives. We often understand why they don’t really understand what happened—after all, we were once as clueless as they are. Still, their ignorance of the depth of our pain seems to increase our pain. We feel like we are not being heard, and our suffering is being invalidated.
Debriefing
Karin Huffer, in her book, the Legal Abuse Syndrome, describes this situation in detail in her chapter on “Debriefing.”
Debriefing, she says, is the first step in recovery. In the debriefing process, we tell someone exactly what happened to us, in all the painful detail. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find what Huffer describes as “quality listeners.” These are people who have the ability to hear what we have to say, overriding their own protective filters. She writes:
Protective filters are always at work. If an individual begins to share with another and the data threatens the listener’s feelings of safety, they may try to divert the data or simply not hear it at all ”¦
The function of this protective filter is to maintain the equilibrium of the listener. Victims’ stories shake the foundations that we lean upon in order to feel safe. When it is impossible for friends or family to hear, due to their protective psychological filters shielding them from vicarious pain, the victim feels rejected and alone.
Huffer goes on to describe a formal debriefing process. It’s best done with a quality listener or support group, but an individual can do it alone if necessary.
Support at Lovefraud
I believe that we have many, many quality listeners on Lovefraud. I am always amazed at the thoughtful, comforting and patient comments posted in response to readers who are spilling their traumatized guts.
The reason Lovefraud readers can do this, of course, is because we’ve all been there. We know what it’s like to be deceived, betrayed and assaulted. We know what it’s like to sit amidst the wreckage of what was once our lives. We’re all on the path to recovery, and those of us who are further along help those of us who are just beginning.
Healing, in the end, is an individual journey. To fully recover, we must consciously excavate and examine our pain, and find a way to let it go. But the process is helped immensely when we are heard and validated. I am so glad that Lovefraud offers this to so many people.
Eden; Every situation and spath is differetn.
It’s important to keep your eye on the ‘prize’….the prize is what you hope to accomplish.
Safety, Security, money, assets, exposure….
You’ve also got to keep all your actions LEGAL! You don’t ever want to be the one looking over your shoulder! Keep in within the confines of the law….sometimes you can stretch it a bit……but always LEGAL!
If we are talking about him draining bank accounts, yeah for sure….hit before HE does. Drain the account and give money to attoney to hold, so it doen’t give him ammunition for him to claim YOU drianed the account, you were simply protecting community assets based on his threats. Strike before he does.
It all depends on what he’s threatening.
If he threatens your vehicle, there isn’t much you can do to stop him……but set up cameras and catch him in the act and call police. Expose him. Exposure doesn’t fare well.
The Backspath isn’t revenge, it’s a change of ‘tides’ of sorts. It’s taking back control to achieve your goal.
So……it depends on your goal.
If you think he’s going to kill you, well yeah……wait until he enters your property and give him some lead between the eyes…..ofcourse you wouldn’t wait for him to kill you first.
But…..if it’s exposure, sometimes you need to wait and collect enough, overabundance of documentation to pounce.
NOW…..in my situation…..I think spath knows i want nothing to do with him…..I’ve made no calls, no contact, aside from serviing him orders via sheriff in various states.
He recently commented on his FB page that he’s in xx state, hiding out from his ex.
Perfect! Keep hiding fucker…..
I have done some seed planting, and gardening in regards to my ex h spath. this was my aproach to keeing him away. He’s stupid and doesn’t know it. I’ve had him served in 5 states….at places he doesn’t think I know about…..but because he blabs a story on FB…..it’s not too hard to figure out.
The same tactics wouldn’t work for the 2 business spaths……so I approach them differntly.
I KNOW they have no money. I know they use legal threats…..attorneies threats etc….to me it’s just blah, blah blah…….doesn’t intimidate me….I know i got them by the balls, they are broke…..broke peeps don’t have attornies!
I report them to county regulators on illegal business activities they partake in. It’s funny how they go underground for 2 weeks and then pop back up on FB. THey are so narcissistic and their cons require publishing that they will in NO WAY remain permanently off the web!
They leave breadcrumbs too…….and I pounce annonymously.
When I find their activities are solid enough to go in for the kill (achieving my goal of getting my 12K back)……I will do it then. Until then……it’s ‘sport’ and community service. My actions can help divert another victim from losing monies to him.
with ex spath…..the gardening and seeds is part of my plan to keep him away…..sending him the message, of you can run, but you’ll NEVER be able to hide…..so stay outa my town and leave my kids alone OR risk being arrested.
One very empowering moment in this all was the first time we went to court for the first TPO. Be blurts out to the judge, crying……(violins) SHE CAN MAKE ANYONE DO ANYTHING SHE WANTS! My gf was sitting in court and this was something I thought…..hmmmmm…….i’ll try that, thanks for that! It’s been my Mantra since he blurted it out. I took it upon myself to prove him right…..and nail that thought into his mind!!! And my seed planting provided the screws.
He thought he was getting away with conning some couple in FL. Rich couple, he was living with them as the wife recouped from second bout of BCancer. (all on FB and public news articles). I didn’t know thes peeps…..I had no way of knowing where he was…..but I followed the breadcrumbs HE posted! Cross referenced all info and became certain HE WAS AT THEIR HOUSE IN A GATED COMMUNITY. Living large!
So I had him served at their home, early one morning when I knew they would be home.
He left their home 2 days later! 🙂
Couldn’t figure out how the bitch found him. Forgot that I can make anyone do anything I want right?
Its pretty easy to have the sheriff serve someone who is facing felonies and shouldn’t even been in their durisiction, based on his bond agreement with anothe state….I casually mention on the form about his case number etc… and that he ‘might’ have a weapon….they ALways check on the subject and see his history for their OWN SAFETY!……I have NO criminal record and never had a TPO on me…….so who’s looking like trouble here…..(another seed planting tactic).
I use research as a tool. I keep the storyline of his life and movements without losing tract so I can protect my kids and me.
My Last extended order is up, last week……and I know where he’s at, I know his address and I know where he’s working…….and I know when he’s leaving that state and what state he plans on going to and on what exact date!
Since I still have his FF mileage number, and knowing HIM, I will soon know what flight he’s on and if I need that for anything, I will use it…..if not…..it won’t matter either way.
All I want to know is that he’s NOT in my area. I also feel more comfortable when I know we have an ocean between us and not just an 8 hour car ride.
I know this spath. I didn’t before, but I paid attention and put his puzzle together. He doesn’t change his tactics or behaviors, so he’s very predictable. He had a gig that worked for him for so many years with me…..why change it.
I changed my routines, shook up my ‘buttons’…..he has NO idea how to get to me. Even when he kidnapped the kds, I didn’t react the way he expected. AT ALL! It threw him for a loop. I didn’t cry when I usually would, I didn’t get angry when he thought he could make me, I didn’t do anything predictable to him……It put HIM off balance.
So……it depends on what is at stake…..the value, the risk.
Just make CERTAIN that each seed you plant, you will NEVER get caught, never put yourself at risk, never take chances and I am all for……THE BLIND SIDE!
Sometimes you don’t see results right away, this is where you have to trust the process….sometimes you don’t ever see the results…..trust the process.
A well thought out plan is key! And timing is everything.
What do I do once the boom comes down……I pat myself on the back, smile and say…….HA, see he was RIGHT……I can make anyone do anyting I want……ESPECIALLY HIM! then remind myself to come down off the high, don’t get cocky and let it go…..there are still some things that I crack up about……just because they were so unexpected and I know his reaction was FUCK, why is she such a biatch!!!!!! 🙂
With the business spath…..I know he’s got no idea it’s me shutting down his business and getting him fined and eventually run outa town, alerting his current victims and they cancel payments, helping his current landlord get him out etc………..THIS gives me GREAT satisfaction…..
One day he will be able to put it all together…..when I finally pounce on the big money…….and then….I don’t care……but since he gave me a mind fuck for so long…..I’m only returning the favor!
Never get too cocky……empowered is what we need to feel…..keep the ego in check!
Hi Erin B,
Thank you. My situation is nothing like yours or any of the above, for which you have written about. However, I was able to apply (in my mind) various suggestions you make, in relation to my own situation, so thank you! I appreciate your explanation and the input!
Have a great Sunday!
Eden
Good!
Geterdone girl!
It’s already in play! Now just sitting back and waiting for the show to begin! (From a distance).
I hope all of your endeavors play out, just as planned! You deserve all (of the good) that is coming your way!!
Thanks Erin!
Eden
ErinBrock,
Gosh when I grow up I wannna be like you girlfriend! You are an awesome bloodhound! My big feathered hat is off to you girlie! You make me so proud to be your friend! I’m sure glad you are not after my fat arse! I think if you were I’d dig a hole and pull the hole in after me just to hide from you, shame your X isn’t as smart as I am! LOL ROTFLMAO
BIG TOWANDA and a GOLDEN SKILLET AWARD!!!!!!
guess Im being gray rocked,how funny
Got my gardening done today! woohoooo!
Sky,
Well, I’m GLAD for YOU chica (Is envious you have a GARDEN), but i just got to water my PLANTS this afternoon!
AND we put out some round gray cemented rock thingy’s for our neighbors downstairs so they don’t step in the dirt!
GOOD DAY!
LL
(((LL))))
that was so nice of you to do that for your neighbors.
We have a huge property, it’s acres and acres, but I only garden a tiny parcel because it’s too much work. But today, it practically weeded itself.
Now it’s time to start dinner, I’m starved.
((((((((((( Sky )))))))))))))))))
I seriously could not do all that gardening. There’s too many snakes and rocks. I’m afraid of snakes 🙂
LL