Last week I posted two articles related to the Vienna Presbyterian Church in Vienna, Virginia. Between 2001 and 2005, as many as a dozen teenage girls may have suffered sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse from a church youth director. This year, the youth director was long gone, but church leaders felt that the wounds had not be properly addressed and healed. So a few months ago, the pastor and church issued a public apology.
Lawyers for the church’s insurance company warned the church not to accept responsibility for the failings of the youth director. Doing so, the insurance company said, would jeopardize the church’s coverage in case a lawsuit was filed.
The Vienna Presbyterian Church ignored the demands of its insurance company. On March 27, Pastor Peter James preached a sermon that acknowledged the church’s failings.
“Let me speak for a moment to our survivors,” he said. “We, as church leaders, were part of the harm in failing to extend the compassion and mercy that you needed. Some of you felt uncared for, neglected and even blamed in this church. I am truly sorry ”¦ I regret the harm this neglect has caused you.”
Guess what—so far, none of the young women has filed a lawsuit.
Why not? The case would be a slam-dunk. The youth director pleaded guilty to contributing to the delinquency of a minor. The church accepted responsibility. Several of the now young women have trouble in relationships, because they are still seeking the fantasy that the youth director promised. If they filed suit, they’d win.
My guess is that the women don’t want money. They want to be heard. They want to be validated. And they want to be healed.
Invisible damage
The problem with sociopathic entanglements is that so much of the damage is invisible. Even in cases where we lose money, jobs, homes, and are subject to physical violence, the big wounds are not readily apparent. Before all those obvious injuries occurred, the sociopaths softened us up with emotional manipulation, psychological control and spiritual abuse. These internal wounds not only eat at us, but they make it difficult for us to respond to, and recover from, the obvious physical damage.
After the sociopath, we need to purge our emotional and mental pain. We need internal stability. But when we reach out for help on this level, many of the people around us simply don’t get it.
They don’t understand why we need to talk so much about what happened. They don’t understand how, when we suspected that we were being used, we allowed it to continue. They don’t understand why we are still confused in our thoughts and emotions about the sociopath.
Get over it, they tell us.
These are the people, of course, who are lucky enough to have avoided a direct assault from a sociopath in their own lives. We often understand why they don’t really understand what happened—after all, we were once as clueless as they are. Still, their ignorance of the depth of our pain seems to increase our pain. We feel like we are not being heard, and our suffering is being invalidated.
Debriefing
Karin Huffer, in her book, the Legal Abuse Syndrome, describes this situation in detail in her chapter on “Debriefing.”
Debriefing, she says, is the first step in recovery. In the debriefing process, we tell someone exactly what happened to us, in all the painful detail. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find what Huffer describes as “quality listeners.” These are people who have the ability to hear what we have to say, overriding their own protective filters. She writes:
Protective filters are always at work. If an individual begins to share with another and the data threatens the listener’s feelings of safety, they may try to divert the data or simply not hear it at all ”¦
The function of this protective filter is to maintain the equilibrium of the listener. Victims’ stories shake the foundations that we lean upon in order to feel safe. When it is impossible for friends or family to hear, due to their protective psychological filters shielding them from vicarious pain, the victim feels rejected and alone.
Huffer goes on to describe a formal debriefing process. It’s best done with a quality listener or support group, but an individual can do it alone if necessary.
Support at Lovefraud
I believe that we have many, many quality listeners on Lovefraud. I am always amazed at the thoughtful, comforting and patient comments posted in response to readers who are spilling their traumatized guts.
The reason Lovefraud readers can do this, of course, is because we’ve all been there. We know what it’s like to be deceived, betrayed and assaulted. We know what it’s like to sit amidst the wreckage of what was once our lives. We’re all on the path to recovery, and those of us who are further along help those of us who are just beginning.
Healing, in the end, is an individual journey. To fully recover, we must consciously excavate and examine our pain, and find a way to let it go. But the process is helped immensely when we are heard and validated. I am so glad that Lovefraud offers this to so many people.
Why does it seem like most therapists don’t acknowledge or recognize the workings of sociopaths in everyday life? I mean, not the ones who are on trial for killing their child, but the ones who go around wreaking havoc on the lives of all they come into contact with. Wouldn’t it seem like counselors would be trained and educated to get it? My ex manipulated counselors just like he manipulated anyone else. The therapists I’ve seen wanted to deal with it like it was just dysfunction, not sociopathy.
BellaAngel?
Did you read my post? Mine was the one with several suggestions, one of which was to find a way to hold the pastor accountable and try to remove her from your situation. That would empower you and cut off some of his.
Like you, I brought the spath into my daughters world and do not blame her for what I made possible. Now there is terrible fall out, she sounds like him, same contempt, same ridicule, same backwards logic that condemns me. Yet I am the one who watched over and cared for her well being. And now I am dealing with the loss of future family so I truly grieve with you.
Planning flowers is wonderful, kinda like planting a mustard seed. I’m thinking they will think of you, respond in kind. Maybe send your kid a card saying miss you and think of you always, welcome any time? Just to let them know you still offer a path back to you?
Katy
Mustache
I love your user name!
I think it’s because they (some therapists) just don’t get it. It is hard to understand unless you’ve been through it personally. I honestly am shocked that we have Rabbi’s and Priests and Pastors out there who also don’t get it – people who are serving the public in that way and they are totally ignorant. Maybe they are intellectually aware of sociopathy but you and I both know that it isn’t enough.
There are a lot of good articles here on LF that address this lack of therapist knowledge and expertise.
Today I’m just realizing I’ve spent so much time trying to figure out
a. WHAT IS WRONG? (It’s not about me! It’s not my fault! He’s f’ed up!)
b. WHAT IS HE? (he’s a sociopath and 3+ other disorders)
c. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN (he can’t love, he’s evil)
d. WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO ME? (it was all a lie)
that I’ve been losing visibility to the real truth here, and that
this guy ABUSED ME ON PURPOSE.
He knew it hurt me, I told him over and over and over and he did it ANYWAY.
HE ABUSED ME.
I am a strong, bright, energetic woman, and I let some LOSER abuse me?!
Wow.
That’s where I am today.
Superkid
Superkid,
you are moving forward full speed ahead!
that last post is a recognition of the truth about what he is.
I’ve very excited for you because it means you’re breaking out of the cognitive dissonance.
Your last question is the most telling about your progress:
“I am a strong, bright, energetic woman, and I let some LOSER abuse me?!”
That’s the jumping off point where you redirect your attention from him to YOU. How and why did this happen to you? How did he hook you? What were your vulnerabilities and what can you learn from them?
This is the best part, where you start learning about you.
Superkid!
You go girl! I think that accepting that the sociopath doesn’t actually love us, that the truth is they manipulate to get what they need regardless of how it wounds others, is a major step in recovery. It was a big turning point for me. Another important step is figuring out what you can do to protect yourself in the future, which may include changing some things or at least recognizing some things about how you deal with people.
You ARE an amazing woman who is gaining the perspective, knowledge, and tools to continue on with a successful, sociopath-free life! Good for you!
New Winter – if he is still friends with him….not a good idea.
i know – i know what it’s like to find someone with our diminished odds from the get go – i might date someone who was a former dupe of the spath’s but they would have to know the spath for what she is and be SO over the spath for me to entertain the idea.
Sky & Mustache, thank you, I do feel better, I hope I can keep this frame of mind for quite a while.
KatyDid; I did read your post. I have tried to hold this Pastor accountable…and what I learned is that no matter what they “cover” each other. I wrote a long 4 page letter explaining everything and asking for a mtg. It took 2 months for them to get back, and not until I threatened to go public with this, and their response “were sorry we cannot help you, and ” No one person controls your future”???After 30 years of tithing 10% and serving this church I cry for help, saying there is a psycho and Wolf destroying my family and this is what I got!! I realized then I did not have the strength to fight the religion.
Lesson Learned: Have you ever been so tired that to relive it one more time, even to tell you the story seems too hard?
The bottom line is I am at the end of 3 different Psycopaths over 10 years. One I was married to for 28 years who was abusive and would pick a fight to leave the house for 2-3 nights at a time. It took 28 years to discover he was a porn and sex addict who had to act out on a regular basis. Pathological liar, Bi-Polar, Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde….and would and did lie to my face 1,000’s of times. I protected him as I grew a ministry in his name. Then he took us to a mission field with our 4 children in tow……I was exhausted, abused and still did not know the truth of what I was dealing with. I did not know his “secrets” or about Psycopaths…I only could read the signs and devastation and knew something was terribly wrong. My medical Dr. asked him ” How can you do this to your wife” as I was in burn-out homeschooling and running 7 church ministries, and at the end of 28 years of physical abuse. He took us anyways to the ends of the earth. I believe there because he could hide his addiction longer, ….. there we met a Minister who claimed to be “My brother” , that I could trust him, etc. etc……and he embezzled 15,000 dollars from us and took the ministry we developed. He was a narcicist and liar, and terribly abusive. I came home and got the strength to divorce my husband after he told me when I asked him ” When it comes to my time to die will I be alone too? and he replied ” what? that’s for the Drs. and nurses to take care of I can’t be in there with you!!!!!!!!” after I had 4 children and home schooled them at his request,……. after I found porn, 40,000 in hidden debt, had my business and personal bank accounts emptied by him, was physically and emotionally abused, and so much more……..we divorced.
None of that compared to the Evil one I met online…….. he claimed to be everything I ever dreamed of. I had my eyes open and had gone through extensive abuse counseling, but I did not know there were such things as psychopaths. I married him. He is “called to children’s ministry”, and everyone in the world adores him. He changed on the way home from the honeymoon. He began working a web to destroy me behind my back for months. Out of the clear blue we would be watching t.v. and he would look at me and say ” I see demons in you”……. He did evil things and I was walking on eggshells. It finally ended with me standing up to him,and saying no more! He said “I made the biggest mistake of my life” I was on meds because I was in bed from breaking my ankle running from him 2 nights before……..the next day he handed me a drink and I remember thinking “that tastes weird, he would’nt do something to me would he”??? I woke up that night to my entire family surrounding me saying “good-bye” and the Pastor and him were there, and I could not talk. I still do not remember one word that was spoken. MY CHILDREN, THIS PASTOR OR ANYONE ELSE HAS NOT SPOKEN TO ME SINCE THAT NIGHT. I SWEAR THIS IS THE TRUTH. Now the first husband has used this to say ” See! it was her all along”. It wasn’t. I loved him I love my children. They were my purpose in life. As I cried on the way home tonight, hardly able to see the road…I was thinking that the most painful thing is being the victimized one, and then being called the abuser and
the one who did this to your family when I gave all my strength to PROTECT my family, and try to shelter them from it all. It all blew up and now I am the one blamed…..even though I did not have the addiction or lies all those years.
Everyone continues to believe him, worship him and take every word out of his mouth as truth. I found child porn on his computer…..and he made up lies about me to destroy me to keep himself from being discovered. It worked. He continues to go on missions trip to children and talk “God Talk” to all those around him…but I found out that he destroyed 3 women before me, and that he also staged “interventions” on them with their families. But each time he perfects it…and I was the first one he drugged. This is the honest to God truth. I have tried to have the other women contact my family to tell them I am not lying…and they say “he is dangerous, I don;t want anything to do with him except if he comes near my daughter again I will kill him” that was one of their exact quotes……
My “Orphan” comment: only to compare that NOTHING in all my life prepared me for the pain, betrayal and complete devastation I am experiencing after being a devoted, God-fearing Mom and wife for 30 years. When I had no parents it was my goal to give my kids what I did not have, and to be the best Mom I could be. I am healed from the rest…..that’s a mosquito bite compared to life now.
the psycho of 10 months told my neighbors we were moving in 2 weeks , and had them lined up to take car eof our yard when we had never discussed moving. He had 2 couples lined up to show our house,and said it was for sale ( this is my house from first marriage) and told me on a Thursday……2 days before they were scheduled to walk through my house!!!! He told the people at the Verizon store that he was having a garage sale the next weekend, and everything in the house was FREE!!!( my belongings!!!) I could go on and on. I would see him standing in the woods next to my home stalking me……….. but the worst damage is he still has an “in” with my daughters and previous friends, and I do not. there are no friendships worth salvaging….not one person drove down my driveway or called one time and asked me my side. Not one. Can you believe it???
thank you. Bella
Dear Bella,
I know personally how devastating it is when NO ONE believes you, and you turn to the people of the church for help and validation and get nothing.
I too have had one psychopath after another in my life, from my Sperm donor to my P-son, and “friends” and so on as well as many family members…but NOW YOU ARE FREE OF THE PSYCHOPATHS.
I know you grieve for your children, and I grieved for my son C when he sided with the Ps against me…..knowing they were doing bad things to me, trying to drive me out of my home, and he did nothing. I gave him the benefit of the doubt later when the Ps turned on him (his wife and her boy friend) and tried to kill him and he said “Mom you were a prophet, I am so sorry” and I forgave him and instantly restored him to my TRUST. The first part was fine, the forgiveness, but the restoring him to TRUST….that was a mistake. He isn’t a psychopath, he isn’t going to come burn my house or try to shoot me, but he is NOT TRUST WORTHY either. He is out of my life essentially completely. When he lied to me the last time and I went NC with him, it broke my heart because I had trusted him, I had actually EXCUSED his bad behavior toward me as “caused” by his P wife who hated me from the get go because “she knew I had her number.” But now I realize that HE allowed “her” to keep him away from us, HE allowed his “friendship” with his P brother and the P-trojan horse (who ended up screwing his wife) to get him to go along with their abuse of me.
HE is the one responsible for his behavior, not them. I know that your kids have sided with the abusers, and I am so so very sorry about that because I know how badly that hurt when you have loved your kids as much as good parents do, but you raised your kids and they have CHOICES in how they behave, just like my P son did and my son C (even though he isn’t a P) he is dysfunctional and he is not loyal or loving to me, because someone who is loyal and loving to a parent doesn’t treat them the way he has treated me, or allow others to treat someone they love that way either.
I know it hurts that these people won’t listen to you, but that is THEIR PROBLEM NOT YOUR…YOU know the truth, VALIDATE YOURSELF. Make a life for yourself, freee of these people that are either psychopaths or dupes of psychopaths, who are disloyal to you, abusive of you. You are FREE of the abusive people, make a life, even if it is just you and your God, but make yourself happy and content. As the Apostle Paul said, “in whatever state you are, be content.” If we allow others behavior to dictate our lives, our happiness, our contentment, then we are giving away the blessings that God has given us to determine our own contentment and happiness. God bless. (((Hugs)))
bella – you have posted here before, haven’t you?
i am very moved by your story; it is epic. you have suffered terrible spiritual abuse. it is, for me, one of the more heinous abuses wrought by spaths.
i hope that you are now physically safe, and that you live far from these people.
and now i am going to say some things that may be uncomfortable for you, and you may reject them: you were not a god fearing woman, but a man fearing woman. people believed your first husband, in part because you did such a good job of shoring up his false life. no man who beats a woman is a man of god – at least not a new testament god, and we do not live in the world of the old testament.
now, it is time to find yourself, and your relationship with a loving and compassionate god – one that does not require you to sacrifice yourself to another human being. you were never sacrificing yourself to god, but to abusive men. you are worth what they are not and you deserve a life free of them, and with God.
I am not a Christian, but I understand fairly well the dynamics of the manipulation of religion, especially by evil men.
i am glad that you have survived. again, i hope that you are safe.
never mind reporting people to the ”church”; only the police, and you must be able to document things to get their attention. there are many people here who can advise you on this subject. if it is possible, without putting yourself in harms way, you can report him and save another child.
you have endured the unendurable, and now you can begin taking the long road back to yourself.
respect,
one joy