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After the sociopath is gone: The rapture of being alive

It has been a long while since I contributed to the Lovefraud blog roll — I’m excited about being back. Excited to share with you my healing journey. It has been almost six years since I was set free of Conrad, the man who promised to love me ’til death do us part and who then went about taking the ’til death part’ way too seriously. In that time, my life has flourished and grown and I’ve become stronger, more vibrant, more confident and committed to living the life of my dreams. I look forward to being here more often!

The greatest discovery of this generation is that a human being can alter their life by altering their attitude. William James

Attitude. We’ve all got it. We all project it. And sometimes, it gets in our way.

Who hasn’t heard the question, Is your cup half full or half empty? George Carlin once replied when asked if he saw a half empty or half full cup, “I see a glass twice as big as it needs to be.”

It’s all in our attitude.

But where does attitude come from? And what do we do when it needs an adjustment?

When I was with Conrad he used to tell me that one of my problems (and he had many for me) was that I didn’t believe in evil. Didn’t believe people were capable of ‘being bad’.

Now, I will attest to the fact that I believe 99% of human beings are fundamentally good. At our core lives the essence of brilliance that creates our most magnificent selves. I believe the journey through childhood into maturity is about reclaiming the magnificence with which we were born. And I believe, if given the opportunity, most of us would rather do good than harm.

In Conrad’s perspective, all people were born to be bad. In challenging me on my belief in the fundamental goodness of the human being, he set out to prove I was wrong. In my disbelief, in my refusal to face reality, that there are some people in this world who live in the shadow, in the dark side of human being, I was at risk of Conrad’s manipulations. Because I refused to accept some people are evil, I could not accept he was doing evil.

In my awakening, I was given the gift of sight. Yes. There is evil in this world and people willing and capable of furthering it. With eyes wide open, I was able to step into the truth of what happened to me, of what I did, of what he did. I was able to face reality, forgive myself (and him) and love myself, warts and all.

I work in homeless shelter. It is a world where evil is perpetrated on vulnerable people every day. I work in a world where people have lost their inner light. Untethered from the mores and values of a just and caring society, they wander the streets, aimless and directionless, without a moral compass to guide them home. Huddled beneath the shadow of towering skyscrapers and back alleys, they encounter evil every day and become their worst fears; a fallen human being willing to do anything to stay alive, including abusing drugs, alcohol and each other, in order to numb the pain of their existence.

In their crumbled state, their attitude of defeat gets in their way of finding the light to guide them home, back to where they belong.

Stuck in the shadows, they begin to believe, the world is against me. There is no hope. I am worthless.

And in their belief; this is all I’m worth, they buy into the myth that we live in a world of evil. Everybody’s doing it. Why not me?

Everybody is not evil. This is not an evil world. Evil does exist — call it badness, narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, self-centeredness, cruelty. Whatever you call it, it is behaviour fostered by an attitude of entitlement that leads people to do evil.

Was Conrad evil? I believe he has a ‘bad attitude’ fostered by a perspective of living that says, what I want is what I deserve. Getting it is all that counts. And I will do anything to get what I want, regardless of the consequences to anyone else.

I believe there are people in this world who share that attitude. People for whom what they want is all that counts, to hell with the consequences, to hell with the impact upon other people, upon our world.

I can’t change anyone else’s attitude. I can adjust mine. In a time where the world appears to be spinning out of control, where markets tumble and fortunes crumble, I take a breath and remind myself — I can’t stop the world. Can’t change it. I can change my attitude to make a difference in my world today. I can be the light I am seeking. I can be the change I want to create. I can keep abuse out of my life by standing true to me, by turning up for me and loving myself, exactly the way I am.

Life is an adventure worth living. It is a constant journey into peace, love and joy that moves me closer to my brilliant core, my life force that says, I am one magnificent human being living, as Joseph Campbell once stated, in the rapture of being alive.

Posted in: M.L. Gallagher

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47 Comments on "After the sociopath is gone: The rapture of being alive"

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Dear Blue skies,

I”m not sure if I have properly welcomed you yet, I have CRS (can’t remember shit!) LOL but if not, I want to welcome you, and if I have, you are STILL welcome here! LOL

Yes, I occasionally BOINK someone on the head with my cyber iron skillet (there is a real iron skillet, but I cook my corn bread in it) but never ever intend to hurt a soul here. We have all been wounded. I am glad that you are on the ROAD TO HEALING though, and it is a journey, not a destination.

You talked about never going backwards, but sometimes we do, just like someone trying to quit booze, and they may have a drink, (which is a backwards move) but they must then get back on the road and keep on moving toward healing and recovery. I’ve taken many wrong turns on the road to healing, fallen into pits, broken my emotional legs tripping over rocks in the road, but whatever you do, whatever happens on that road, whatever wrong turns you make, stay there on that road…..stay HERE at love fraud, where you are VALIDATED, where you have friends who will console you, not criticize you, and where you will be supported and comforted and believed!!!!

Your contact with evil, and THAT IS WHAT IT WAS, may not be believed by some of your friends, because they don’t want to think that they too might come into contact with true EVIL, it is much more comforting for them to think that they are immune from this…..but WE know….but the best thing about it all, even with the pain, is that we are innoculated from another infection from a deep attachment to this kind of evil. By learning the signs and red flags, we can get away from the evil ones before they hook us. I’m so glad you are here and feeling strong enough to post and share with us! You have accomplished a great deal already! (((hugs)))))

Dear Blueskies,

So glad to hear you forced yourself along and did your best at the job interview. As long as we all continue to do that, new doors will open for us! Not always right away, but always eventually!!! And the fact that you were the 2nd contender out of hundreds and had great feedback about how well the interview went – IS AWESOME!!! And I chuckled when I read “Wow! if I can do that when I am half dead with a depression and in a fog of emotional agony…what cant I do? Those are definitely words to live by…
WHAT CANT I DO!!!!

Im glad you received some additional validation that your self-trust and self-awareness is SPOT ON – that you were with a creep! And you raise an interesting point…alot of these jerks slime into peoples lives simply by ASSOCIATION…we somehow are somewhat conditioned to let people in more easily or quickly if they are “a friend of a friend”…Ive LEARNED that every person needs to EARN my trust, respect and love. They wear the mask with others, let is slip with some, basically just keep twisting and turning until eventually found out!

It IS really challenging Blueskies to wrap our heads around the DEPTH of their deceptions and their way of life. I still struggle with labeling my xtox (although I have run the gamet from Evil to crazy to lost soul to sickminded to selfish to damaged)…in the end it doesnt really matter…because he simply was not a good person to me or for me. My happiness was terribly affected by my relationship with him. And yes it does make sense that you realize any contact with them equates to pleasurable gain on their part – because it really is just a game to them – life and others – thats all they know to do — play games.

I contend he brought out the best and worst in me. Something I actually believe I needed to see and learn, if you will. To take away from…and learn and grow and focus on my best…and work on, change, improve my worst. (low-self esteem, low self-respect, no self-love). I am able to be thankful for the experience in that once I got over the initial shock, the initial loss, pain, anger, FRUSTRATION, confusion, ACCEPTANCE that he is who he is and I am who I am…AND WE EACH had our own CHIT (afterall dont we all)…the difference is he is stuck in his ways for life…I really really wanted to learn and grow and protect myself from ever falling victim to and in love with a BAD MAN again.

Dont get me wrong, I am clearly aware that he had his mask on when we met and I had my heart on my sleeve when we met. That makes him responsible for misrepresenting who he really was. But what was more important to me was once I knew, once I saw the flags, once I became aware there were others, and once I was on to his chronic job losses/changes, and needing to borrow money, and making my head spin…I began to misrepresent who I truly was …by staying. Of course I didnt know any better, because I just wanted to fix him, fix it, help him, make it like it was in the beginning (but he was a lie in the beginning!).. I slowly spiraled down essentially chasing my own tail trying to keep us afloat. Thats what they hope for…thats what they do. Once I sorted it out, I didnt need anyones validation..I knew… I knew he was an unhealthy person who would never consider taking the time to sit down and think about his past or his path of destruction… whether he was born that way or suffered a terrible childhood…is now irrelevant…what is relevant is his bad choices he makes day to day. And the better choices I now make for myself and my life. I no longer live thinking if only i could help him or do this or do that. I live with the awareness that he is not a good soul for me in my life. period. the end.

Also, I MUST add that alot of my own personal work was for me to focus on myself, my childhood, the early years and feelings of my life..that I blocked off. Literally coped by choosing to not remember or feel anything all those years. It caused me to be able to cope and “get through” life as best I could but it also caused me a greater price of not having or feeling any self-respect, self-love, self-trust esp. when in the presence of toxic people.

Lastly, I had set backs, I had lapses…go easy on yourself if you experience any. Sometimes there are reasons beyond our imminent understanding as to why we fall…BUT ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT WE GET BACK UP AGAIN AND GO FORWARD EVEN MORE STRONGER AND WITH A STRONGER DESIRE TO FIND OURSELVES AGAIN…OR RECREATE OURSELVES NOW. AND NEVER LET ONE PERSON (ESP. A BAD PERSON) BE THE REASON WE LET GO OF OUR OWN LIFE…WHEN IN FACT ALL WE NEED TO DO IS LET GO OF THEM..OR LET THEM GO ON MAKING BAD CHOICES WITHOUT US AROUND.

AS LONG AS YOU ARE GOING FORWARD, AT ANY PACE, IT IS A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. DONT GO BACK TO DYSFUNCTION. CREATE YOUR OWN LIFE WITH PEACE AND HAPPINESS. ITS IN THE PALM OF YOUR HANDS. JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AGAIN!!!

Ladies…
I am a Private Investigator (female) for over 23 years. I am educated and well versed in law, but I too was conned by a very convincing sociopath… Yes, it’s a hard pill to swallow. Christ designed women to be caring and givers” But let me say… If you are a Christian and try to live an honest life, PLEASE listen to God’s warning instincts he gave us. Stop making excuses and remove them from your life. The red flags are there” Clingy, needy and whining about how their past women victimized them. Yes, I felt like a fool too, but I fought and my ex has to repay what he stole” It’s in a woman’s instinct to want to help, nurture and better others” But sociopaths are the exception” Read and learn ladies”.

All stats and material from the best and most well known Psychiatrists, suggests that men dominate in the majority in the sociopathic existence, though I disagree and believe women are now matching them (abandoning their children and far worse, abusing and killing their children)”
Sociopaths roam the earth. Plain and simple (sex, race, and creed excluded), in both male and female forms” I’ve been a PI for over 23 years and sadly, have documented female behavior as well as male behavior” I wish I could say that “men” are mainly to fault” But the truth is” Without the sociopathic women, sociopathic men couldn’t betray, seduce or survive”

Can I get my dog back? It still has my micro chip in it so its my dog by law?

‘But the truth is” Without the sociopathic women, sociopathic men couldn’t betray, seduce or survive”’I really dont understand this statement – please expand further foolish9463.:)

Tilly:

I would report the dog lost/stolen and where it can be found. Tell the cops there is a microchip in the dog. When the dog is found, the S/his daughter is then going to have to (try) to explain why he has held onto the dog. He isn’t going to want the headache of trying to explain away a dog theft.

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