lf2

After the sociopath is gone: The rapture of being alive

It has been a long while since I contributed to the Lovefraud blog roll — I’m excited about being back. Excited to share with you my healing journey. It has been almost six years since I was set free of Conrad, the man who promised to love me ’til death do us part and who then went about taking the ’til death part’ way too seriously. In that time, my life has flourished and grown and I’ve become stronger, more vibrant, more confident and committed to living the life of my dreams. I look forward to being here more often!

The greatest discovery of this generation is that a human being can alter their life by altering their attitude. William James

Attitude. We’ve all got it. We all project it. And sometimes, it gets in our way.

Who hasn’t heard the question, Is your cup half full or half empty? George Carlin once replied when asked if he saw a half empty or half full cup, “I see a glass twice as big as it needs to be.”

It’s all in our attitude.

But where does attitude come from? And what do we do when it needs an adjustment?

When I was with Conrad he used to tell me that one of my problems (and he had many for me) was that I didn’t believe in evil. Didn’t believe people were capable of ‘being bad’.

Now, I will attest to the fact that I believe 99% of human beings are fundamentally good. At our core lives the essence of brilliance that creates our most magnificent selves. I believe the journey through childhood into maturity is about reclaiming the magnificence with which we were born. And I believe, if given the opportunity, most of us would rather do good than harm.

In Conrad’s perspective, all people were born to be bad. In challenging me on my belief in the fundamental goodness of the human being, he set out to prove I was wrong. In my disbelief, in my refusal to face reality, that there are some people in this world who live in the shadow, in the dark side of human being, I was at risk of Conrad’s manipulations. Because I refused to accept some people are evil, I could not accept he was doing evil.

In my awakening, I was given the gift of sight. Yes. There is evil in this world and people willing and capable of furthering it. With eyes wide open, I was able to step into the truth of what happened to me, of what I did, of what he did. I was able to face reality, forgive myself (and him) and love myself, warts and all.

I work in homeless shelter. It is a world where evil is perpetrated on vulnerable people every day. I work in a world where people have lost their inner light. Untethered from the mores and values of a just and caring society, they wander the streets, aimless and directionless, without a moral compass to guide them home. Huddled beneath the shadow of towering skyscrapers and back alleys, they encounter evil every day and become their worst fears; a fallen human being willing to do anything to stay alive, including abusing drugs, alcohol and each other, in order to numb the pain of their existence.

In their crumbled state, their attitude of defeat gets in their way of finding the light to guide them home, back to where they belong.

Stuck in the shadows, they begin to believe, the world is against me. There is no hope. I am worthless.

And in their belief; this is all I’m worth, they buy into the myth that we live in a world of evil. Everybody’s doing it. Why not me?

Everybody is not evil. This is not an evil world. Evil does exist — call it badness, narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, self-centeredness, cruelty. Whatever you call it, it is behaviour fostered by an attitude of entitlement that leads people to do evil.

Was Conrad evil? I believe he has a ‘bad attitude’ fostered by a perspective of living that says, what I want is what I deserve. Getting it is all that counts. And I will do anything to get what I want, regardless of the consequences to anyone else.

I believe there are people in this world who share that attitude. People for whom what they want is all that counts, to hell with the consequences, to hell with the impact upon other people, upon our world.

I can’t change anyone else’s attitude. I can adjust mine. In a time where the world appears to be spinning out of control, where markets tumble and fortunes crumble, I take a breath and remind myself — I can’t stop the world. Can’t change it. I can change my attitude to make a difference in my world today. I can be the light I am seeking. I can be the change I want to create. I can keep abuse out of my life by standing true to me, by turning up for me and loving myself, exactly the way I am.

Life is an adventure worth living. It is a constant journey into peace, love and joy that moves me closer to my brilliant core, my life force that says, I am one magnificent human being living, as Joseph Campbell once stated, in the rapture of being alive.

Posted in: M.L. Gallagher

Comment on this article

47 Comments on "After the sociopath is gone: The rapture of being alive"

Notify of

M. L….Thanks. Glad to see you back. There is evil in the world. It took me about 55 years to realize it. Once you do, your way of viewing the world changes. And you learn about yourself and how to protect yourself. It also makes the good in the world look brighter in contrast. Living and learning, on the journey….

M.L. Gallagher,

I salute the survivor in you.

Like you, I’ve struggled to come to terms with the reality of human evil. It was only in the last few years that I accepted that some people had ill intentions.

I’d been accused over and over again of wearing “rose colored glasses”, yet found I didn’t want to exchange them for “poop colored glasses”. Adopting the same grim point of view of the personality disordered and their miserable associates wasn’t what I envisioned for my life.

Now that I feel no shame in saying “No!”, “Back Off!”, and “Give me time and space, please.”, I’ve found a grim outlook has become unnecessary. Maintaining boundaries has allowed me to focus on the people I love and the activities that bring me joy.

Knowing about evil doesn’t have to ruin our lives. I like to think that the Sociopath did me a favor when he forced me to see him for what he was. Seeing him allowed me to see he wasn’t alone. Now I have a better chance of avoiding entanglements with cluster Bs.

hey guys, i taked to one of the s. exes from almost 10 years ago and she said just exactly what you said in your post, “some people just like to hurt and she had seen him make his mom and his sisters cry” she seemed pretty intelligent and i guess from that distance could see it for what it really is. She described him as “Highly Toxic” and his next wife when i said Toxic also responded In “that’s a great word” for him. He likes to think it’s personality clashes with all the women but how can we all clash, in fact i get along pretty fine with pretty much anyone and everyone i’ve ever met. love kh

Dear M.L.

Life IS an adventure worth living…experiences HAPPEN…if we actually survive them…then we can and will get past them…with good tools, therapy, support and ATTITUDE — anything is possible. Just gotta believe. The power of separating yourself from someone elses “bad ways, bad choices” – is well within our hands. He lied to me, he cheated, he stole, he used, he abused. The shock of all of it left me in a fetal position on my bed…what to do?? live or die of malnutrition/lack of sunlight/hollow spirit….LIVE, Duh!!!! – he was only an experience in my life — a bad man, and a bad choice after the red flags flew– I had to learn and grow and change my ways and my thoughts — he gave me nothing but superficialness. It was just time for me to put it into perspective – get my chit together – and a new attitude!

I AM ONE MAGNIFICENT HUMAN BEING THAT HE LOST THE OPPORTUNITY TO KNOW AND I GAINED THE OPPORTUNITY TO ENJOY THE RAPTURE OF BEING ALIVE! IF I HAD STAYED WITH HIM NEVER WOULD I FEEL OR SEE MY BEAUTY WITHIN AND NEVER WOULD I ENJOY BEING ALIVE.

LET GO! ITS A BEAUTIFUL THING.

THANKS M.L. FOR YOUR DAILY INSPIRATIONS AND INSIGHTS!! AND THIS REINFORCING ARTICLE THAT WE ARE ALL ABLE TO ADJUST OUR ATTITUDES AND HEAL WHEN WE ARE READY!!!!

I realized how much I unintentionally focused on the negative, especially following the devastation of my life by the actions of the n/p, because I felt overwhelmingly worthless. It hit me that my “filter” was set on super-sensitive and honed in on negative things, which most likely began in the home of my alcoholic father. I decided I didn’t want to live that way any longer, and that I would take this time of recovery from the n/p to redesign my life.

Who knew? I’m taking a course on joy…this sounds entirely daft and fluffy to my family, but it’s changing my life for much the better. The course book is called “How We Choose To Be Happy: The 9 Choices of Extremely Happy People,” by Foster and Hicks, and the core choices detailed in this book often appear in postings on overcoming here at LF. The first choice, for example, is intention (the choice and commitment to be happy)…think of OxDrover, and her repeated statement that she will never leave her healing path again, and how rich her internal life has become as a result of that choice. To anyone who’s read her wonderful comments, that demonstrates something of the power of intention!

Still I have a long way to go, and my life is far from being on track again, but I’m inspired by discovering MY answers, the ones that work for me, and I probably wouldn’t have sought them out if I hadn’t been shaken to the core at the hands of the n/p. I’m determined not to waste even a moment of my precious time missing out on the wonder of being alive — I feel it keenly, often at the most ordinary times: I have learned to treasure these moments of peace, and I laugh a lot more these days.

As a beginning practitioner of Tibetan Buddhism, I was surprised to learn that when encountering a demon, the Tibetans ask the demon in for a chat. What a plot twist that would be for Hollywood movies of exorcism, but that’s what they do: they ask the demon what it has to teach them, they offer respect to its power, and then, when it realizes you’re not caught up in the drama of its threats, it leaves.

So I thought of my “demon,” the n/p professor who stopped my degree process in graduate school and halted my dream of teaching, and I realized that the main thing I had learned from dealing with the chaos and misery she caused was to treasure that remarkable spark of brilliant love and light at my core, and to consider how bleak and immeasurably lonely life would have been without it. For all the harm she did, she must have at least put hers on dim, if she hasn’t smothered it all together. I’ve forgiven her for the sake of my peace, but I don’t hesitate to protect myself, and No Contact is the best way to do that.

“Eyes open; Spirit Open”…It’s finally good to be alive!

Betty…good to hear from you. I remember your story well. I think my first reaction was “wow”. Now it’s “WOW!”. Be alive! Be YOU! TOWANDA!

Living life in true JOY and PEACE is a “new” experience for me. Though I have had happy moments and happy times in the past, but not in total JOY and PEACE and not feeling like joy and peace are “temporary” things is a new experience. It is wonderful and helps me realize that “no matter what happens” Ii am going to be OK. The situation of life isn’t what makes Joy or Peace, but what is inside me. Thank you M.L. you are a great inspiration!

I have recently started reading “Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Soul” by Sarah Ban Breathnach. She says that women are most likely to run into one or two bad men. My former boyfriend’s behavior devasted me. But I knew the Universe was working out something big in me and my experience with him was the catalyst. Ms. Breathnach says:

“Bad men are spiritual graces in disguise to teach us, through torment, to love ourselves.”

I am having a love affair with life. I will listen to my intuition.

The book is written toward a female audience but I think men would appreciate it, too.

Morgan…“Bad men are spiritual graces in disguise to teach us, through torment, to love ourselves.”

Well, I guess in the grand design of things that is one way to look at, after you have experienced one. I agree they’re in disguise, but I’m not sure they are spiritual graces of a good nature. If I was in charge…there must be a better way. And I certainly wouldn’t want to wish them on anyone who is nice already, as they are.

Why would I sign up for torment to learn to love myself? Seems kind of masochistic….but then, if the end result is loving yourself…and you’ve been devastated…that’s better than not loving youself.

More coffee…I’m getting confused. LOL.

Morgan….glad you’re here…just my random thoughts….don’t take ’em personally.

I need explanation of what loving yourself feels like…..
Really…I am so good at doing things for others and I get pleasure out of it. And there are things I like to do…….not now but I used to….

But I don’t have a handle on LOVE YOURSELF………..

Input please……………..

Dear Newlife,

I can relate to your question very much….I find that with myself the loving myself came on GRADUALLY as I realized that I could and SHOULD set boundaries for how others treated me.

My whole life it seemed was trying to makek OTHERS happy and if they did something unfair to me or even mean I was not “allowed” (by guilty feelings) to “upset” them by confronting them about their behavior….especially if it was in any way SUBTLE.

I had a couple in my life that were “close to” my adopted son D and he IDOLIZED these people, and my late husband had also idolized these people. The woman of the couple has some SERIOUS mental issues dealing with OCD and she is actually a kleptomaniac and would take things from me or my house. Not “big” things but things that did matter to me. I had a real problem confronting her about this—she of course denied it.

When you set a boundary you must be willing to let the relationship GO if they will not respect the boundaries. I knew if I set a boundary that it would “upset” my son if I enforced it. I didn’t want him to have to “choose” between loving me and loving them….so that was my “excuse” for not setting firm boundaries and sticking to them.

I even went so far as to “against my better judgment” let them move out here on the farm in their RV (which is where they live full time) and of course, she started taking things again….and I actually caught her in the act. So after some soul searching and having a discussion with my son D, about her taking things, I told him that I had to tell them that they had to leave. They were also taking advantage of me in other ways (more emotionally than anything else) they felt they had an ENTITLEMENT to be here and were starting to not only cross my boundaries but telling me how I had to behave on my own land and in my own house—they were starting to set the rules for ME!

So I told them that “it wasn’t working” and that they would have to leave. Which they did. But because they live in an RV they are also hoarders and have no place to keep their hoarded treasures, so I had let them use some of my storage facilities to store their stuff (and of course they took over that storage too and actually blocked my access to my stored things there.) I also set a boundary that they must call me before coming out here to get any of their stored things. The woman of the two crossed that boundary as well and attempted to come here when she thought I would be gone (but I wasn’t so caught her crossing that boundary, then had to make that boundary even higher and tighter, so now I have to have 24 hours notice by phone before they come here to get any of their stuff and I have also given them a time limit to get their stuff, AND I am NOT volunteering to help them move their stuff either.

Fortunately, my son D has seen that they are not behaving as real friends should, and is “seeing the light” where they are concerned. I got to the point though, that even if he had NOT seen the light, I HAD SEEN THE LIGHT enough that I would have set the bounary NO MATTER WHAT.

Learning to set boundaries and that I have the RIGHT TO BE TREATED WELL BY THOSE THAT POSE AS MY “FRIENDS” AND FAMILY, actually made me see that I have a love for myself. I am demonstrating my love for myself and now I am FEELING that love for myself.

It was definitely hard for me to do, especially where it concerned my “close friends” and family—-because I was “elected” the peace KEEPER in my family and the price of “peace” was that I had to tolerate whatever others did to me. I could not “upset” them by saying “what you are doing is not nice.” I had to “pretend it never happened” in order to KEEP PEACE—-I now realize that the price for that kind of “peace” is TOO HIGH and I will not pay it any longer.

People who truly care about me do not mistreat me, do not lie to me, do not steal from me, and I will not pretend that people who lie, cheat and steal from me are my “:friends” and that they “love me.” Even if that includes the woman who gave me birth(egg donor) or even the man that I gave birth to (my P-son) and that if I don’t love me, respect me, and care about my own feelings, NO ONE ELSE WILL.

I hope that clarifies how I worked on healing and loving myself….that’s about as well as I can put it into words, but I do FEEL IT NOW. ((((hugs))))

Newlife…

I just returned from a school fieldtrip…a play at the Kimmel Center to see… CINDERELLA…MORE ON THAT INTERNAL EXPERIENCE LATER! Ive read, seen, watched it so many times in my life…but today…wow… I wanted to freezeframe every scene for these second graders and hold up signs behind the characters….be careful out there Prince Charming might be a Psychopath…and check his credentials first… etc. lol..I had a moment in the theatre for sure…about what we are teaching our kids at such a young age!!!!!

Anyway, Newlife…I can become very emotional about learning how to “love myself”….simply because I never knew to or how to until this past year. It feels amazing to stop the world around me for a moment or several and appreciate myself, all I have done, all I have given and all I still need to learn. Its about pampering myself without any guilt…its about taking time out for myself ..because I want to, because its necessary, because its ok. Its about thinking about myself first in a healthy way, not a selfish way. Its about letting myself know I am not perfect, but Im good and kind and real and more honest to myself now – about everything. Its about saying that first No, thank you to someone because I really cant do something or extend myself in such a way, that I am sidelined from it…Its about standing up for myself, protecting myself, setting boundaries with others that I can never ease up on or overlook — not out of anger or resentment or revenge — but because I love myself now – and I know nobody can ever do that for me better than myself…but somebody can eventually join me again on my journey if they earn my love and friendship. Its about reconnecting with who you are, and creating who you want to be. And it started for me with just the little things…I am going to do such and such today because I want to and deserve to. Nothing to do with him!!!! I have gone to movies by myself (recently I love you, Man … I laughed my arse off!!) I felt kindda funny at first, but then I felt empowered. Sometimes I go with a girlfriend and use to go with xtox…but now my life is so much more about what I can do, what makes me happy, what I enjoy…Saturday mornings I now go to local thrift shops, garage sales, antiquing…rarely buy anything..but love the experience, the fresh air, and sometimes my kids come with…my middle one fell in love with a bracelet that had a heart locket..for $5 it came home with us… she put it on an opened the heart…inside were two tiny tiny old crackled pictures of a man and woman… she wanted to take the pictures back to the people we bought it from. Back we went, and the woman just dropped to tears, it was her grandparents…she herself said she married but never had any children…so having no one to give the jewelry to, she decided to sell some, she sort of adopted my daughter on the spot!

I guess what Im trying to say — is its the experiences that I am welcoming and growing and learning from — by learning to love myself, treat myself good, take care of myself, feel good about myself again. Getting pleasure out of doing everything ive ever done for others…and doing it for myself.

Everything I ever did for the xtox, because he was down and out, or in a bad place or being a bad person – and I extended myself to him — NOW I PUT MYSELF ON THAT DESERVING PEDESTAL — IT ALL GOES TO ME FIRST, AS WELL AS TO OTHERS WHO ARE ON THE SAME JOURNEY.

Loving youself, respecting yourself, trusting yourself ALL GO HAND IN HAND. It is our greatest protection against falling victim to bad people or relationships. When we believe in ourselves and what we deserve, from love to respect to trust we dont allow for or stand for anything less. Sure we can have differences of opinions and set backs in healthy relationships — but when there is love and respect it is dealt with in a mutual way – not a controlling way.

Start small. I think I told everyone here before. After all the process I went through from fear to shame to guilt to anger to acceptance…one evening I got in my car and went to my favorite cheesesteak place in the city…ordered a rootbeer and cheesefries too (rare treat for me!) …drove home…put on a great movie…and just existed in a happy moment. Sounds so damn SILLY, but it was the moment I knew I was starting to love myself, simply because it was just me, myself and I in the room – having fun for the first time in a long time, with myself!

After the hurt the pain the anger the resentment and the feeling of wanting revenge – comes the realization that you eventually come to place where you see in a world of so many choices, options, expectations, dreams (both achieved and shattered)…theres really only one person that you are left with every moment of everyday from birth to death – thats yourself, your bestest friend and that person is deserving of receiving your greatest love. After that, you share and welcome the love and friendship of others — based on their love friendship and respect for you.. as well as giving it freely to deserving souls — not toxic ones! TOWANDA NEWLIFE! You are on your way too!! Have to go through the process, its a journey, so stay on course! You will fall, we all do, but all that matters is you pick yourself up and continue to love yourself from where you left off!!

ps… It wasnt the bad man that was the catalyst to get me to love myself…it honestly was my hard work, my searching, my wanting to help myself get to a better place (my wanting answers to my questions)…my exposure to Oxy and Kathys insightfulness here at LF… my understanding from them (and others here — that this was more about me getting to know myself, my ways, my shortcomings and my attributes – and putting it all together as well as letting go of my past, and letting go of him, and healing through living, loving and learning all over again!!! And especially to know that my existence/happiness is not based on any single relationship (good or bad) with another. Its based on my relationship with myself.

I completeley love these posts LTL and O. I think you are such clever , clever, and insightful people ( just like me when I find her and catch her and snoodle her to bits again;) and you have helped me a LOT today. I feel much like New life right now…I hope that soon I’ll be in a place where I have something as useful to others as you all here are to me on a daily basis.A BIG HUGE TOWANDA!!

And Newlife, I am so with you, lets try to be as gentle and loving with ourselves (no its okay…its not selish…its NOT!)even in little teeny ways…any kinds of ways: I am trying to ask myself the question everytime i do anything; is this a good and nurturing/ happy/ wholesome thing for ME?… Its short and its an easy mantra to remember… doesnt always work… we must practice! lol!:D

Dear Blueskies,

Great Screenname…blueskies are ahead…esp when you find her catch her and snoodle her to bits again!!:)) Everyday is not blueskies for me, there are still darkskies every now and then, and I suspect in some form or another, there will always be…I just wait it out better now, more calm, more patient, more understanding…if I want to cry I do, but I dont stay in that place…I let myself be who I am..and I encourage myself to find a better attitude when I struggle…its working!!! One day at a time, with the understanding Ive got my own back…I can trust me now! A BIG HUGE Towando to you – practicing is what makes perfect Towandaness!!! Plus its rather fun and empowering too!! 🙂

🙂 Hooray for perfect towandaness!
Patience, calm and undestanding with myself ( hello new easy to remember mantra;), even on dark sky days … so now I have to actually show up for practise… make a commitment to keep practising (maybe one day become the GB olympic blueskies snoodling team champion?? Cor – that would be good) Thanks again LTL. 🙂 Tonight I am going to treat myself to a peaceul early bed and a smile… Not bad eh?:)

Hello Everyone,

Tomorrow will be ONE YEAR, ONE YEAR ago that my life long dream came to a end, but a new begining to a new life and endless possibilities for countless new dreams.

“my disbelief, in my refusal to face reality, that there are some people in this world who live in the shadow, in the dark side of human being, I was at risk of Conrad’s(MARK”S) manipulations. Because I refused to accept some people are evil, I could not accept he was doing evil.”

Not accepting” he was doing evil” is what kept me stuck. I almost allowed myself to be depleted of my very soul. “HE” was happy when I was hurting, he was happy when I was afraid, he was happy when I lost my job. The longer I have been gone the more I am starting to see how bad things really were. I no longer have to question myself, did I make things out to be worse than they really were? NO!!!! I did not, I actually sugar coated them because i was to embarrased to admit that I allowed myself to be treated so poorly.

I am just now starting to love myself. Maybe even for the first time. Would I have allowed myself to endure, what I endured if I would have loved myself to begin with?

I just want to thank everyone on LF. I came to this site by accident(was it really a accident) and when I started reading everyones words, everyones heart, everyones soul, everyones tears; my tears would not stop. Everything I had felt and tried not to feel was there, in black and white. I could not pretend any longer….. the charade was over. So I came back over and over again in till it was eaiser to believe the truth than it was to try to deny the truth.

I cryed so hard this morning when I realized it was ONE YEAR. I called a friend.. She said “what are you crying for…YOU should be happy!! YOu should be jumping for joy. You have had One full year of not having to ask someone what you could do, if you could “please” have some money. You have friends, you do not have to walk on egg shells, you do not have to worry about what you did or did not do, you do not have to press and button shirts, you do not have to listen to anyone say ” I know you don’t want me to _____ but I am going to do it anyway. HONEY, don’t cry be happy, you are free, you are alive, you are sober and you have sooo many friends who love and care for you very deeply.”

I made it through this last year because all of you shared your pain, your sorrow and your joy and belief in a new life.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart….Molly

Mollywanda towanda~~~!!!!! Congrats on saving your life. I understand why you cried at one year. You have accomplished the tuffest, cruelest year of your life. It only gets better from here because we are taking care of us’s for the first time ever and that is scary and new and kinda wonderful.

Molly:

Happy anniversary — not only for one year NC, but for one year of reclaiming your life — your personal Bastille Day.

“So I came back over and over again in till it was eaiser to believe the truth than it was to try to deny the truth.”

I finally came to stop denying the truth and start believing it early last November when I realized I had to drive off S or die. S was the culmination of a lifetime of exploitive relationships, beginning with an N mother and probably S father.

I am just starting to come to grasp with the incalcuable emotional and physical energy I expended trying to deny the truth. Guess when your physical and emotinal health both give out at the same time, you don’t have a lot of choice in the matter, do you?

In the last 6 months I have started to see how acceptance of the truth really is easier. I finally had to accept the truth, that the disordered, toxic people in my life cannot be helped. And even if I could help them, they wouldn’t appreciate it anyhow.

The last 6 months have truly been hard for me — driving off S, losing my job, and having my health give out. Yet, by accepting the truth I am finally constructing a healthy, happy life for myself.

I was walking along the street today, and it suddenly hit me that my joints, bones and muscles weren’t aching. Then I realized that even with the stress of unemloment, I don’t have that corrosive, unrelenting stress coming from that never-ending walking on eggshells that I felt with S. I don’t have all that stress from wondering what he was doing behind my back. Like you, I have friends who love and care for me. And, for the friends I lost courtesy of S, I’m making new ones.

You’re right. Accepting the truth really does set you free.

The Buddha says we can learn from our “enemies”–that they can be some of our greatest teachers.

That “bad man” forced me to deal with loss. I have learned to love myself through the torment of betrayal. I’m never going down that road again. I’m going to pay attention to my intuition!

Dear Molly,

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I am so happy for your success in your healing! To have stayed NC for one year is the best start you could have made to take care of yourself and keep yourself safe and to free yourself from the trauma you have endured from continuing.

To learn to love yourself, to take care of yourself, to nourish yourself and to put your own needs FIRST is the beginning of true healing, true JOY and true PEACE in life.

Morgan, you are right that we can learn from our “enemies” and that they can be (and frequently ARE) our greatest teachers. Jesus also said that “tribulation worketh patience” and I think all of the great teachers of the world saw that it is only by TRIALS and CHALLENGES that we really grow. If life were “perfect” and we had no challenges, trials etc to overcome, what would we be? Just as exercising your muscles makes them grow stronger, emotional challenges, moral and mental challenges make our minds and hearts grow stronger.

Intuition is that little voice inside us who is very very wise and wants to protect us….we just have to listen to him/her and value that wisdom! Good for you!!!!

I am so much better, you guys! It’s damn amazing. My life is so free and happy again. I wish all of you will feel this way. It’s a relief.

sabinne: Wow! I haven’t been online for a few days and was very happy to read this! Any advice on how you achieved this? Very exciting! God bless you!

I was in class earlier and couldn’t really say what I wanted to say. I thought I’d tell you all thank you for your support, guidance and just listening to me when I needed it. I feel so much better. I mean truly better; the kind of better I had before I met him. I know in part that it’s all due to you all.

I can say without reservation that every step of hell away from all of this was WORTH IT. Everyday of hurt, everyday of grief while I went through “withdrawal” was WORTH IT. I know such peace, love and happiness again.

You are all my guardian angels.

How I achieved it? I’ll be honest. I cried every single day. I shook, shuddered, got covered in my own snot and tears, I didn’t eat, didn’t sleep and went through life like a zombie. I came to you all when the pain became too great and it felt like I was bleeding from every pore. I thought I would only be healthy when I could stop crying.

Then one day I realized that my tears were wonderful. I knew they were cleansing my soul. I knew that all the poison I’d swallowed was what I was oozing from every pore. I wasn’t bleeding. I was healing! I was a zombie because my mind shut down while the rest of me handled the trauma I’d suffered. Simply understanding that healing can hurt made it better to me. I didn’t mind my tears after that. It felt GOOD to cry.

In short, I grieved. I grieved hard and furiously. I went through anger, shame, pain, disbelief, rejection, and acceptance about 1,000 times.

Then one day I didn’t think of him. The next day I didn’t think of him and then the next day and the next day after that. I would wake in the morning and my thoughts were about my homework, my plans and the shoes I wanted to buy. I no longer woke up with pain in my chest and tears behind my eyes.

I didn’t even realize how much better I was until today when I was in class and the professor mentioned sociopathy. It struck me that I had forgotten that there had been one in my life. I nearly laughed out loud with happiness at that point.

I didn’t do it alone; all of you did it with me.

Gosh, I feel like I keep forgetting stuff, lol! Congratulations, Molly! I am so happy for you!

Dear Sabinne,

I am so happy for you! Glad that you are getting on with your life! Glad that you are finding peace and life again, joy and happiness. TOWANDA!!!!

Sabinne, Thank you so much for sharing… what you went through really resonates with me, I know about the zombie and crying part!!!! “It felt GOOD to cry” is a wonderful revelation, and I get the part about our minds shutting down while the rest of our body heals from the trauma. It is fabulous to hear you are feeling happy! 🙂

ox BOO – hey what are we blogaholicin about tonite and where are you MOLLY? I have my sad self together this week – I think work keeps my mind busy and it pays better than sitting around wishing and waiting for whatever it is I am waiting on to happen–does anybody relate too that? waiting on something but not knowing what it is we are waiting on and just hoping things will get better on their own? Obsessing about the past and fearful of the future? What a way too live…but as my friend Perky say’s ‘don’t swallow the whole steak, take little bites and enjoy it cause I mite not get another steak.’ or another day – so yes we can only do so much or our minds will explode ”BANG””And something else that naws on my little pee brain – what if it was me? what if I was the problem? My educated brain say’s no way he is what he is and does what he does – but that emotional brain I think will all ways wonder if there was something I could of done – like been younger – handsomer – richer – Well duhhh – if I had been those things he mite of stayed around till I was completely washed up instead of just almost washed up. And Matt if your readin this, your comment the other day about it took us being emotionally and physically at the bottom of the barrel, almost fricken dead or comatose before our bodys kicked us in the butt and said whoa“cant do this……I think my unblissfull relationship with IT – [notice how I never say the m word anymore?] really really took a toll on my bones not to mention my spirit…old age – I never thot I would feel so old at 54 [sorry oxy] just 3 years ago I felt 40 – guess that is another little thing that naws at me – he is 42 – duh I was so stupid – I found one of his profiles [when he was here] and he said he wanted to meet guys under 45… the asshole – he better just hope he looks as good as me at 54 as I do or did….As time goes by – I find humor in my stupidness – live and learn

I get you on the age thing, Henry. I’m 50 but thought I was 40 before all this broke. Now I feel 20 years older in one years time.

henry: Yes, I can relate to waiting for something to happen, what it is I don’t know. I am the same age as you, one thing I keep thinking about is how the choices I have made in my life have led me to be here alone, when that was the last thing I ever wanted. I wish I could go back about 20 years and do things differently. Please don’t let your mind wander to the “I wonder if it was me” stuff, it wasn’t you, it wasn’t me, we may have made some crazy choices but we can’t beat ourselves up over it forever. Live and learn, yes, but why did it take me 52 years of living? Why do other people figure everything out in their 20’s? And I’m still scared I’ll repeat my same old crap.

Hey Shab – I dont think I will repeat – my spathdar is very in tune… right now every bodys is guilty until proven otherwise. Yes I have been through alot – but I have had a wonderful interesting life – alot of it I would like to change. Kenny Chesny has a wonderful song called ‘I wish I would of” I think it is normal to look back on life and wish we could redo this or that.. maybe this life is a lesson and I think we are all studying hard and trying to pass on to a better way of living…

I can’t get passed my sadness, I don’t know why, but having been bought up by two sociopaths and only had intimate relationships with sociopaths there is not much left of me. I gave everything away and have lost all meaning in my life.
Can’t find my faith or my happiness anywhere. Guess I’ve never experienced being loved.
Full of hatred and revenge. I wish I had never been born

Hi everyone. Once again I dont have much useful advice to offer and still cant write intelligently, but do just want to quicky say that I saw my GP today, to ask for treatment for depression…I have been treated for it before during the relationship with the creepy little man. It was a difficult thing to do to go back, so much tied up with me actually admitting I am completely depressed, and the creep telling me and everyone he knows that I am unhinged, that my friends told him that I was unhinged, that the ‘REASON’ his marrage broke down was because his wife was depressed and ‘unhinged’blah, blah, stupidly its felt like I am agreeing that he is the victim of some terrible luck with unhinged women like he’d have everyone belive… but that is silly, he is gone, it has nothing to do with him what I do now or where I am at (not that he didnt do everything he could to put me here and his e-wife I should think)… Its the first thing I need to do for me,to get better, it doesnt mean that what he did to me ( and will continue to at any oppourtunity I give him I have no doubt) was in my mind or my fault or goes away… but if I can deal with the depression, maybe I can deal with the REAL destructive situation in a healthier and clearer fashion… so, the Doctor also refered me to this website http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome which is a free on line CBT programme. he told me to do it every morning like a workout. I dont know how helpful it will be, but I wondered if it might be of interest to anyone here too.Much love.

Tilly, I also wanted to say that Ihave always felt like (and do feel like) I cant get past the sadness of my upbringing, even though I do pretty well functioning day to day (until I met creepo) – Its something that made us vulnerable to creepos…Not everyone I have had the joy of meeting has taken my sadness and beaten me with it…a few of them have… if I can finally get to grips with my saddness as a result of this encounter then whoopeee… the creep did me a (painful) favour, I am sure he’d be pissed about that… the best revenge?

Dear Tilly,

Your feeling of “can’t get past the sadness” is I think a part of the healing process. When we are “down” it is difficult to lookk around and see the beauty that is right before us. We lookk at the glass not as half full or half empty but EMPTY and we don’t appreciate the things we DO have.

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS.

I know that sounds trite, but having worked (I am a retired registered nurse practitioner) in spinal cord rehabilitation, I appreciate the fact that I am able to MOVE—to wipe my own nose, to type on a computer, to breathe unaided, to take care of my personal hygiene needs and NOT have to have someone else change my diaper.

I do NOT have a tooth ache today.

I have a dry place to sleep. I have food.

Because we generally in this country have those things we don’t always appreciate that there are millions of people (even in this country) that don’t have a safe place to lay their heads at night.

So start off with counting your blessings. THE BASIC BLESSINGS. Don’t focus on what you don’t have, but on what you DO have. Then BUILD on those blessings.

It may also be that youo may need to see a medical practitioner about5 some medication to help you with the depression. Sometimes this is a godsend, I know it was and is to me, though my dose of antidepressant medications is quite low now, at one point it was a VERY high dose.

Hang in there….(((((hugs))))) and my prayers for you!

Dearest Tilly,

If I told you that what you are experiencing is your feelings..strong and true…but what you are yet to experience is whats underneath and inside waiting for you to sort it out… YOU. I gave everything I had to him, I gave my all…when I tell you I thought I had met my soul mate…I really thought I did. Problem was he never clued me in that he was my deadbeat loser mate!! And I didnt have a clue that I was in no position to be ready to meet and welcome a soul mate into my world (thankfully it wasnt him)…but as many issues as he had…I had some too…together we were a revolving door, never ending cycles of bad patterns and ultimately we both were a mess together or apart.

It wasnt until I took a stand with myself for myself and declared an end to the turmoil and negativity and saddness within, that I could begin to move on and continue to learn and grow. But I had to go through months and months and months of self-questioning, self-doubting, self-loathing, self-shame, etcc… until I learned about all the other SELF things I SHOULD BE DOING to help mySELF heal.

SELF LOVE – if you are like me, you have never truly been loved…until you learn to love yourself. I didnt grasp the power and magnitude of those two words until I was 41! But better late than never.

Youve had to go through alot, we all have in our way, and wishing you had never been born means you are fairly burdened down with some heavy painful feelings…ones that need to be addressed or shared…or both…share some more here to lighten your burden…thats what I did …it helps Tilly and also do as so many of us have done and see your doctor about discussing if an antidepressant can help you get over this hurdle..

Nothing or noone is worth feeling that way about yourself. We have all gone through it, but I just want you to know there is more to you waiting inside to learn and grow. How do I know? Because if anyone ever thought there wasnt anything left inside of me…it was me…and I know God blesses us all with an inner spirit that is always ready willing and able to learn and grow when we embrace and love ourselves. You can do this Tilly. Peace and prayers and strength for you!!!!!!

Dear Blueskies,

Im SO happy for you that you that you went to your GP about getting some additional support to help you get past this!

And btw you write very intelligently and offer alot of good advice and support. Do you know about our “boinking” rule here at LF, have you happened to come across any “boinking” incidents in Oxy’s post…if not go check Henry’s – he is the LF Posterchild for most amount of boinks and most progress as well because of it! We must remember to be positive about ourselves and not so hard on ourselves. Im not going to boink you because you just are feeling as though you are in a good place right now…but your intelligent writings and good advice are seen across the board here at LF! Please keep sharing…

And Ive heard about the Moodgym before.. or something that sound so similar to it and the benefits from it….thank you so much for that link..

You are on the right track, you are taking care of yourself and doing all the hard work. I hope you are feeling a little lighter today and that each passing day brings more strength and happiness to you.

🙂 Hello
THANKYOU LTL, I have seen a little of the boinking rule:) I shall keep it in mind!:) lol! What a boost it is to get feedback here.thank you:)

It is my third boost of the last couple of days!

On Wednesday – I went for a job interview, my first in a long time. a slightly higher position than I have been in before. I felt like a gibbering wreck. I left my old job of 5 years at Christmas, I wasn’t coping with what was going on in my life with the creep, feeling so bad about my abilities,and was at the same time trying to set up a freelance consultancy, (this was something actively encouraged by the creep, who then promptly dumped me – but I cant blame him completely for my failure to succeed in my endeavour so far or the decision to leave work, my depression and confusion has a lot to do with it: I blame him by proxy:) I am now completely broke and about to loose my home, anyway, so to cut a long story short, the way I feel I can barely leave the house, but I forced myself along, did my best. I didn’t get the job BUT was the second contender out of hundreds and had some REALLY great and enthusiastic feedback about how great I had been! Wow! If I can do that when I am half dead with depression and in a fog of emotional agony…what cant I do? Boost!

Then I finally had some validation from a friend of both the creep and myself about what has been going on. People have discussed it with me, but they dont really get it… I felt so isolated in feeling that this man is a sp, I feel so often that maybe it WAS just me… and the creep did a real nice hatchet job on this friend, someone I have loved for years, in order to isolate us from each other, (actually my red flag ignoring was often tied in with the fact that they had been friends for years, he couldn’t be as bad as my gut was telling me if my lovely good kind friend who cares for me had been so close to him for years)To have recognition of the DEPTH of this person’s disturbed mind, his corrupt behaviours and evil intent towards those who care for him,and that it is not ‘new’, or especially for me, from someone else who actually new him well is like a weight being lifted! Not that I get pleasure from the damage he caused there (and again I have no doubt he would try to do more given a chink of a chance – i fear I may have given him one during my recent slip into contact) too. does that make sense?

Its odd because I KNOW the creep is evil in my heart of hearts, of course I do, but I NEEDED to properly believe it. And I NEED to keep reminding myself that evil IS the right word, and not some over emotional exaggeration because I am a ‘woman scorned’.Put him in the box marked ‘evil’ and turn my back on it. walk away.

This friend has completely shut him out, he is ‘persona non grata’ – COMPLETELY ( was pissed off about even having to think about him again in order to write to me, I certainly wont bother him again with it, just concentrate on trying to rebuild a loving trusting relationship with him) – that in itself is a massive inspiration. If this person can be firmly NC and concentrate on the REALLY Important things in his life after the MASSIVE hurt – then I have NO excuse!I have just as many good things to concentrate on… even if I forgot. To not do the same WOULD be masochistic and selfish. Is it finally sinking in for me?… I hope so… I and none of my friends deserve to be exposed to anything further by another lapse of mine into contact with evil.

Then I come here and I have LTL cheer leading for my little accomplishments!

I must now hold on to these boosts and continue to shuffle slowly forward. NEVER again take a step back….even if I don’t move for a while:)

Dear Blue skies,

I”m not sure if I have properly welcomed you yet, I have CRS (can’t remember shit!) LOL but if not, I want to welcome you, and if I have, you are STILL welcome here! LOL

Yes, I occasionally BOINK someone on the head with my cyber iron skillet (there is a real iron skillet, but I cook my corn bread in it) but never ever intend to hurt a soul here. We have all been wounded. I am glad that you are on the ROAD TO HEALING though, and it is a journey, not a destination.

You talked about never going backwards, but sometimes we do, just like someone trying to quit booze, and they may have a drink, (which is a backwards move) but they must then get back on the road and keep on moving toward healing and recovery. I’ve taken many wrong turns on the road to healing, fallen into pits, broken my emotional legs tripping over rocks in the road, but whatever you do, whatever happens on that road, whatever wrong turns you make, stay there on that road…..stay HERE at love fraud, where you are VALIDATED, where you have friends who will console you, not criticize you, and where you will be supported and comforted and believed!!!!

Your contact with evil, and THAT IS WHAT IT WAS, may not be believed by some of your friends, because they don’t want to think that they too might come into contact with true EVIL, it is much more comforting for them to think that they are immune from this…..but WE know….but the best thing about it all, even with the pain, is that we are innoculated from another infection from a deep attachment to this kind of evil. By learning the signs and red flags, we can get away from the evil ones before they hook us. I’m so glad you are here and feeling strong enough to post and share with us! You have accomplished a great deal already! (((hugs)))))

Dear Blueskies,

So glad to hear you forced yourself along and did your best at the job interview. As long as we all continue to do that, new doors will open for us! Not always right away, but always eventually!!! And the fact that you were the 2nd contender out of hundreds and had great feedback about how well the interview went – IS AWESOME!!! And I chuckled when I read “Wow! if I can do that when I am half dead with a depression and in a fog of emotional agony…what cant I do? Those are definitely words to live by…
WHAT CANT I DO!!!!

Im glad you received some additional validation that your self-trust and self-awareness is SPOT ON – that you were with a creep! And you raise an interesting point…alot of these jerks slime into peoples lives simply by ASSOCIATION…we somehow are somewhat conditioned to let people in more easily or quickly if they are “a friend of a friend”…Ive LEARNED that every person needs to EARN my trust, respect and love. They wear the mask with others, let is slip with some, basically just keep twisting and turning until eventually found out!

It IS really challenging Blueskies to wrap our heads around the DEPTH of their deceptions and their way of life. I still struggle with labeling my xtox (although I have run the gamet from Evil to crazy to lost soul to sickminded to selfish to damaged)…in the end it doesnt really matter…because he simply was not a good person to me or for me. My happiness was terribly affected by my relationship with him. And yes it does make sense that you realize any contact with them equates to pleasurable gain on their part – because it really is just a game to them – life and others – thats all they know to do — play games.

I contend he brought out the best and worst in me. Something I actually believe I needed to see and learn, if you will. To take away from…and learn and grow and focus on my best…and work on, change, improve my worst. (low-self esteem, low self-respect, no self-love). I am able to be thankful for the experience in that once I got over the initial shock, the initial loss, pain, anger, FRUSTRATION, confusion, ACCEPTANCE that he is who he is and I am who I am…AND WE EACH had our own CHIT (afterall dont we all)…the difference is he is stuck in his ways for life…I really really wanted to learn and grow and protect myself from ever falling victim to and in love with a BAD MAN again.

Dont get me wrong, I am clearly aware that he had his mask on when we met and I had my heart on my sleeve when we met. That makes him responsible for misrepresenting who he really was. But what was more important to me was once I knew, once I saw the flags, once I became aware there were others, and once I was on to his chronic job losses/changes, and needing to borrow money, and making my head spin…I began to misrepresent who I truly was …by staying. Of course I didnt know any better, because I just wanted to fix him, fix it, help him, make it like it was in the beginning (but he was a lie in the beginning!).. I slowly spiraled down essentially chasing my own tail trying to keep us afloat. Thats what they hope for…thats what they do. Once I sorted it out, I didnt need anyones validation..I knew… I knew he was an unhealthy person who would never consider taking the time to sit down and think about his past or his path of destruction… whether he was born that way or suffered a terrible childhood…is now irrelevant…what is relevant is his bad choices he makes day to day. And the better choices I now make for myself and my life. I no longer live thinking if only i could help him or do this or do that. I live with the awareness that he is not a good soul for me in my life. period. the end.

Also, I MUST add that alot of my own personal work was for me to focus on myself, my childhood, the early years and feelings of my life..that I blocked off. Literally coped by choosing to not remember or feel anything all those years. It caused me to be able to cope and “get through” life as best I could but it also caused me a greater price of not having or feeling any self-respect, self-love, self-trust esp. when in the presence of toxic people.

Lastly, I had set backs, I had lapses…go easy on yourself if you experience any. Sometimes there are reasons beyond our imminent understanding as to why we fall…BUT ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT WE GET BACK UP AGAIN AND GO FORWARD EVEN MORE STRONGER AND WITH A STRONGER DESIRE TO FIND OURSELVES AGAIN…OR RECREATE OURSELVES NOW. AND NEVER LET ONE PERSON (ESP. A BAD PERSON) BE THE REASON WE LET GO OF OUR OWN LIFE…WHEN IN FACT ALL WE NEED TO DO IS LET GO OF THEM..OR LET THEM GO ON MAKING BAD CHOICES WITHOUT US AROUND.

AS LONG AS YOU ARE GOING FORWARD, AT ANY PACE, IT IS A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. DONT GO BACK TO DYSFUNCTION. CREATE YOUR OWN LIFE WITH PEACE AND HAPPINESS. ITS IN THE PALM OF YOUR HANDS. JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AGAIN!!!

Ladies…
I am a Private Investigator (female) for over 23 years. I am educated and well versed in law, but I too was conned by a very convincing sociopath… Yes, it’s a hard pill to swallow. Christ designed women to be caring and givers” But let me say… If you are a Christian and try to live an honest life, PLEASE listen to God’s warning instincts he gave us. Stop making excuses and remove them from your life. The red flags are there” Clingy, needy and whining about how their past women victimized them. Yes, I felt like a fool too, but I fought and my ex has to repay what he stole” It’s in a woman’s instinct to want to help, nurture and better others” But sociopaths are the exception” Read and learn ladies”.

All stats and material from the best and most well known Psychiatrists, suggests that men dominate in the majority in the sociopathic existence, though I disagree and believe women are now matching them (abandoning their children and far worse, abusing and killing their children)”
Sociopaths roam the earth. Plain and simple (sex, race, and creed excluded), in both male and female forms” I’ve been a PI for over 23 years and sadly, have documented female behavior as well as male behavior” I wish I could say that “men” are mainly to fault” But the truth is” Without the sociopathic women, sociopathic men couldn’t betray, seduce or survive”

Can I get my dog back? It still has my micro chip in it so its my dog by law?

‘But the truth is” Without the sociopathic women, sociopathic men couldn’t betray, seduce or survive”’I really dont understand this statement – please expand further foolish9463.:)

Tilly:

I would report the dog lost/stolen and where it can be found. Tell the cops there is a microchip in the dog. When the dog is found, the S/his daughter is then going to have to (try) to explain why he has held onto the dog. He isn’t going to want the headache of trying to explain away a dog theft.

Send this to a friend