Every other week I participate in a ‘one word’ blog carnival. This week’s word was ‘grief’.
Grief. A tiny word. Five letters. ‘i’ before ‘e’. A story of precedence. What comes before grief? Love. Friendship. Familiarity. Hope. A belief in tomorrow. A belief in another day. A better day. A different time. A time for endless hello’s to fill our day with promise. A time to love.
And then death sweeps in and robs us of that time. That moment. Those endless hellos punctuated by good-byes that do not mean, never more, but rather, until later, until we meet again, until the next time.
In death’s embrace we fall and grieve for the one who was lost, for what was lost, for time lost and never to be recaptured.
In grief there is no next time. No better time. No later. Grief consumes all time and steals all hope of a better tomorrow.
Grief.
When love ends, we grieve. We grieve the passing of what could have been, should have been, might have been, if only. We search for ways to give meaning to our pain, to explain the sometimes inexplicable causes leading to loves demise. Sometimes, we talk it out. We make arrangements on how to separate, how to divide loves spoils, how to survive loves loss. We draw up agreements, outline custody and visitation arrangements. We divvy up assets and liabilities, arrange for payment. We divorce and move on with our lives, sometimes poorer but always richer in experience.
When we have loved an abuser, love cannot die. Love never existed. There was no mutual agreement to love honestly, truthfully, respectfully. There was only the abuser’s mask hiding his or her intent to deceive. There was only the lie we did not know existed.
In love’s vanishing out the door slamming behind their last words, we hang our hopes on one more chance to say, ‘good-bye’. On one more time to see their face, hear their voice, be in the presence of the love we believed to be true.
In our grief we plead for one last time. We pray, he will return. We pray, he or she, the one we loved, will come back if only to give us a chance to secure the elusive closure our empty arms yearn for. We want to say good-bye on our terms. We want to have the last word, to make them hear us, see us, feel our pain, witness our anguish. We want to know they understand the harm their passing through our lives has caused. We want them to ‘see’ how much we love in the hopes that the one we loved, the one we believed to be true, will return. We want one more chance. One more time. One more good-bye.
And so we plead with time to give us this one last chance so that we can come to terms with their good-bye. So that we can steal the time to learn to grieve on our terms.
And that is the lie we tell time. Give us a chance and we will make them hear us, just this once, so we can grieve freely.
It never happens. It can’t. Because grieving an abuser is the greatest betrayal of all. In having loved a lie, we can never grieve what never was.
With our empty arms and broken dreams, we must give into grief and mourn for the one who was lost. The woman who was abused. The woman who was lost. The woman who fell. The woman who was betrayed and who betrayed herself. We must mourn for the one we must love the most. Ourselves.
Once upon a time I loved a man who was untrue. He never really existed, though I searched for him between the lines he spoke that were all lies. Between the pages of my journal where I wrote of love ever lasting and promises of happily-ever after. I searched for him in every nook and cranny of my mind, desperately trying to make real the unreal. To make sense of the nonsense that was his passing through my life. I searched and held onto the hope that the pain, the turmoil, the sorrow was all a lie and he would turn up and be true.
It never happened. It couldn’t. He was the lie.
And in my facing the truth of his deceit, I grieved. I grieved for the dream that could never be, the love that never was. I grieved for the woman who was abused. The woman who lost herself in the arms of an abuser. I grieved for the pain she endured, the pain she caused. I grieved and cried and wished and hoped and prayed upon every star that the pain would cease, the tears would dry up and my heart would be healed. I prayed for the past to be erased. The lies to be vanished. The horror to be undone.
Nothing can undo the past. There is nothing that can be changed in yesterday.
Grieving a love that never was is part of the illusion of loving an abuser. We look for meaning in our memories and come up empty.
On either side of grief is love.
Grieving for the woman who lost herself in the arms of an abuser, set me free to fall into the arms of love.
In grieving for all that was lost, all that was forgotten on the stormy waters of his lies, I embraced all that was possible when I set myself free to sail upon the sea of love that surrounds me, sustains me, and lifts me up.
Love has no limits. Love knows no bounds. Love is my answer.
Stand in love. Grow in love. Be love.
In mourning for the one who lost herself in the arms of a man who was untrue, I found myself. I found myself and fell in love with all that I can be when I set myself free to live this one wild and precious life free to be all I am when I let go of grief and fall… in love.
oh, and i’ll help get the funding to create the quarantine island.
Ok, so deep chemistry a spath and his partner always share. Specially when spath is a man, because women are natural nurture and learned to figive every mischieves made by a kid. And my spath was one big babby, with lot of tantrum.
His love was like addiction, then his hate was another extream. So I always stayed confused. But today I know poor man (see I am already justifiying his behaviour) didn’t know right from wrong.
After No Contact for 8 months he came back crying, that I am the only one who can heal him. How can I not talk to him for 8 months, when we were never stopped talking before. That he learned about relationship more in last 8 months than his all life.
I was impressed, because he was the kind of guy who would never say sorry, never excpet his mistakes. Here he was saying he knows if he wanted to make things work, I would have jumped on the idea. And he is the one didn’t think about it and separated us.
So it was clear he needed me, he never had anybody applied NC to him, this was th first time, and tell you what I did that not because I read somewhere, but because I thought that is the only way I will survive.
I asked him when I move with children to a rental place, how come you didn’t come to see, if I live in a safe place, even when I asked him. Moving away, forcing me to sell our martial home, pushed me to get renatl property all was his sole idea.
He said HE WAS CONFUSED.
So he came back when he needed me, but he didn’t give a second when I needed him.
I still let him in my life. Four months it was like honeymoon, for him, but I was very concious, I started noticing few things about him. He would say same phrases and he would hold my hand, switching my sides exactly the way he did when we were dating. He was following his dating 101 book road map. He didn’t realized that I already know all of this about him, and already know he would change, like he did last time.
So as soon as he changed his face on me, I truly told him calmly, no emotions, “we have no future, please just go away”, he acted devasted, ” what you love me, wouldn’t you rather have somebody phone call away who loves, than nobody”, I said “yes I would rather have my peace and alone, than uncertanity, you give me uncertainity”. This was again more than 8 months ago, I have not talked to him since then, and still go through my ups and down.
Yes I miss companionship, but I can’t spend a mili second with a guy, for whom I have no respect, trust.
MyHeart,
Powerful words.
You showed real courage.
I allowed my ex back in my life recently, and watched carefully. Sure enough, the patterns were there: the manipulations, the fake emotions, the contrived needs…all of it. And seeing them through the lens of LF wisdom made things very clear to me.
He came at me with the same vulnerability as yours…the “you’re the only one who has stuck by me” routine.
Except that, just like you, he never sticks by me. It is all one-sided.
He probably could have kept the charade going for a little bit more. We were having fun while I watched him. Except that this 18 year old girl (he is 42) he cheatd on me with called him…and he called her back! That was more disrespect than I could tolerate.
So I am firmly and finally in NC and thankful.
You are an inspiration to me. Thank you!
Funny thing is this after 4 months of honeymoon, and many pormises to be will there for me rest of my life, will never have another woman other than me etc. etc…
At this point we were still living separately, the plan he put in ground since our separation.
He called me when everything was going great. When he watched and kind of gussed that I love him and can’t live without him. So I will agree with any conditions he can put at me. He threw his trump card at me.
I know many of you may not even beleive it, but it truly happened.
He came one day and said he is feeling very uncomfortable and restless. I asked him what is wrong, how can I help you, like I always did. He said he thinks he is feeling insecure, and only way he can feel secure if we get divorced. I said what, what do you mean get divorced.
Then he said he wants US to start our life on a clean slate financially, it means in short he wanted to have a favourable divorce, means not giving a signle penny to me. He said he is sorry that I lost all my life saving in to the marriage and he wished if he wins a lottary, first thing he will do is to pay me back my losses. He has millions and I lost everything before we separate, he disposed my money. So in short he back with a lot of drama of love, becuase I was in NC zone with him, and he was scared I may go after the legitimate community property.
So he came back to manipulate me, and said he commits his love for 100% for rest of my life and will be there as we planned for rest of my life.
I truly laughed, though my heart was breaking again, I said, you are the first man on the face of the earth, who claims his love in the return of divorce, generally a man want to marry when he is in love.
He said we will marry again in 10-12 years with full commitmemnt, when our responsibility is over towards children and parent (his mother lived with us)…..
So in short my stand was a man who changes his position in few weeks and months, who has seen 10-14 years…. So it didn’t take me a econd ot make decision on our relaitonship, and I pulled the plug right there…..
I did let him get away moneywise, because this was the only way I had to get him out of my life, court trial means he would have been there and his aim is to win, so I let him win and got rid of him…..
I still suffer, I still miss the mirage I had for us, the more he showed me second time, I miss the fantacy of having a happy and fulfilled married life with all the challanges and love….
But I had all this dreams with a wrong guy…..
(((((((((( my heart ))))))))))))))))))))
I can tell from your posts you’re very strong and VERY brave.
What you did was right.
Hang onto that. That was HUUUUUGE!
You”re worth so much more than that!
LL
Thanks LL. I am trying.
One thing I wanted to bring it to attention to everybody, thought somebody already said on these posts about it.
One side spath showed total lack of empathy towards me, my children andmy family, on other side he has shed tears for his mother, doughter and freinds.
He even shed tears for “death of Michael Jacosn”, “Benzeer Bhuto”, celabrities. I would laugh about him, that this guy is possessed with TV figures and cries for them, but has so remourse for the people who care about him at home.
So he would looked very compasionate when he wanted too, he did to me as well when we met.
So all these tears, he shed for unknown people, were just for show, just to show, that see I am human too. Becuase 100% times they were either for HIS BLOOD or for celebrities, nobody else who touched our lives on daily.
It was not like he is pretending, he truly beleived in it, so I read on these posts, that they tell themselves, this is how I am going to behave/feel and beleive in their own act 100%, so it looks very true to others………
That too kept me very confused, but after reading many posts here kind of solved the puzzel for me.
Weird….
My Heart,
You are right, at least from what I can see: they believe they are being compassionate. They believe their own hype.
My ex went on and on about his mother being very sick several yeas ago. But what did he do? Nothing.
He had caused her only heartache, and when she was dying, he was not supportive.
It was all a show meant to gain him pity. He plays on that victim role… until I realize that I become the victim in falling for it.
You are very strong to walk away from all that is yours just to have this man out of your life. I’m not sure I would have made things so easy for him. Obviously, you have other means to support yourself…good for you!
I am not sure I made things easy for him. Remember they thrive on drama, and hurting another person, he wanted drama of court go on endlessly. He has money so having a lawyer for longterm was not an issue for him. He was fighting for $25K, which was not worth for me to go on.
Plus I have kids, and a job my livelihood. Both need my 100% attention. When I lost my sleep, I woke up, it is not worth it, I couldn’t focus on my work, I started yelling at children, since I didn’t have mental energy to fullfil their daily needs. And I am anemic.
If I look at bigger picture, I made it easy for me, I am conserving energy/money. Somehow at this point suddenly winning was not important to me.
I feel I won by losing. He can have this victory and I will have my peace, this will help me to move on…. You all know which is more valuable..
Dear Myheart,
YOu are a WISE WOMAN!!!!!! You added up the “cost” of the money you might have won in court and the cost was too much for the gain of a few dollars.
MOney and STUFF is not always worth what we have to “pay” for it in terms of blood and energy.
I am proud of your guts, wisdom, and back bone! IN the end YOU WERE THE BIG WINNER. God bless.
“I feel I won by losing.” Yep. I identify.
Some of us need to stay in the fight, and are emotionally capable of handling it.
I could not have peace until I let go of everything! Once I did, I started healing.