Every other week I participate in a ‘one word’ blog carnival. This week’s word was ‘grief’.
Grief. A tiny word. Five letters. ‘i’ before ‘e’. A story of precedence. What comes before grief? Love. Friendship. Familiarity. Hope. A belief in tomorrow. A belief in another day. A better day. A different time. A time for endless hello’s to fill our day with promise. A time to love.
And then death sweeps in and robs us of that time. That moment. Those endless hellos punctuated by good-byes that do not mean, never more, but rather, until later, until we meet again, until the next time.
In death’s embrace we fall and grieve for the one who was lost, for what was lost, for time lost and never to be recaptured.
In grief there is no next time. No better time. No later. Grief consumes all time and steals all hope of a better tomorrow.
Grief.
When love ends, we grieve. We grieve the passing of what could have been, should have been, might have been, if only. We search for ways to give meaning to our pain, to explain the sometimes inexplicable causes leading to loves demise. Sometimes, we talk it out. We make arrangements on how to separate, how to divide loves spoils, how to survive loves loss. We draw up agreements, outline custody and visitation arrangements. We divvy up assets and liabilities, arrange for payment. We divorce and move on with our lives, sometimes poorer but always richer in experience.
When we have loved an abuser, love cannot die. Love never existed. There was no mutual agreement to love honestly, truthfully, respectfully. There was only the abuser’s mask hiding his or her intent to deceive. There was only the lie we did not know existed.
In love’s vanishing out the door slamming behind their last words, we hang our hopes on one more chance to say, ‘good-bye’. On one more time to see their face, hear their voice, be in the presence of the love we believed to be true.
In our grief we plead for one last time. We pray, he will return. We pray, he or she, the one we loved, will come back if only to give us a chance to secure the elusive closure our empty arms yearn for. We want to say good-bye on our terms. We want to have the last word, to make them hear us, see us, feel our pain, witness our anguish. We want to know they understand the harm their passing through our lives has caused. We want them to ‘see’ how much we love in the hopes that the one we loved, the one we believed to be true, will return. We want one more chance. One more time. One more good-bye.
And so we plead with time to give us this one last chance so that we can come to terms with their good-bye. So that we can steal the time to learn to grieve on our terms.
And that is the lie we tell time. Give us a chance and we will make them hear us, just this once, so we can grieve freely.
It never happens. It can’t. Because grieving an abuser is the greatest betrayal of all. In having loved a lie, we can never grieve what never was.
With our empty arms and broken dreams, we must give into grief and mourn for the one who was lost. The woman who was abused. The woman who was lost. The woman who fell. The woman who was betrayed and who betrayed herself. We must mourn for the one we must love the most. Ourselves.
Once upon a time I loved a man who was untrue. He never really existed, though I searched for him between the lines he spoke that were all lies. Between the pages of my journal where I wrote of love ever lasting and promises of happily-ever after. I searched for him in every nook and cranny of my mind, desperately trying to make real the unreal. To make sense of the nonsense that was his passing through my life. I searched and held onto the hope that the pain, the turmoil, the sorrow was all a lie and he would turn up and be true.
It never happened. It couldn’t. He was the lie.
And in my facing the truth of his deceit, I grieved. I grieved for the dream that could never be, the love that never was. I grieved for the woman who was abused. The woman who lost herself in the arms of an abuser. I grieved for the pain she endured, the pain she caused. I grieved and cried and wished and hoped and prayed upon every star that the pain would cease, the tears would dry up and my heart would be healed. I prayed for the past to be erased. The lies to be vanished. The horror to be undone.
Nothing can undo the past. There is nothing that can be changed in yesterday.
Grieving a love that never was is part of the illusion of loving an abuser. We look for meaning in our memories and come up empty.
On either side of grief is love.
Grieving for the woman who lost herself in the arms of an abuser, set me free to fall into the arms of love.
In grieving for all that was lost, all that was forgotten on the stormy waters of his lies, I embraced all that was possible when I set myself free to sail upon the sea of love that surrounds me, sustains me, and lifts me up.
Love has no limits. Love knows no bounds. Love is my answer.
Stand in love. Grow in love. Be love.
In mourning for the one who lost herself in the arms of a man who was untrue, I found myself. I found myself and fell in love with all that I can be when I set myself free to live this one wild and precious life free to be all I am when I let go of grief and fall… in love.
Hi Everyone
This will be my first post here at lovefraud.
I have written to Donna about my unfortunate encounter with the painful one who I will be writing about.
The above post spoke to me the most about the illusion and the lies an the person did not exist due to the lies.
This woman pursued me after I deleted her off of myspace.
I was surprised that she wanted anything to do with me as she had before being deleted never bothered to show any interest. So when she asked me to be friends later i was like why?
I understand that her story about the entire relationship was all about her getting herself sex and attention. That is how I feel about it. But I will now corralate this to the above post.
From the very begining she lied to me about everything..the reason she contacted me to her not smoking I found out. To her saying she loved me. I began to withdraw after her bizarre see saw emotions towards me. I had been feeling like I should end our relationship as she was causing me to be distrustful.
Last night I found out she has been on Plenty Of Fish and I am quite sure she had been on there the entire time she was suppose to be just dating me. So all I can feel is like wow there has never been anything like this to happen to me.
There was nothing in her words but dead conscience and cold callousness to quote a few wonderful people who know what wicked evil they represent. I am glad I found lovefraud.
The wild thing about finding lovefraud was from going to the forums on Plenty Of Fish and reading about “Have you ever dated a Sociopath” I am very grateful for the one who mentioned lovefraud.
reading the others stories has made me sad but made me strong in knowing we are all in this together…
Thanks Donna for all your efforts in establishing Lovefraud
WELCOME SKULLY! Glad you are here and glad you got out as soon as you did. GOOD MOVE.
To luv7′
I have to tell you, if you call them liars and deceitful to they’re faces, it will be a time before they return.
Keep your head up and know you are not alone. I don’t have a penny, well maybe a penny, to my name, and I have never been so free in my life. Free to be me, finally. I have been thinking a lot about this whole N/S/P/BPD thing. My best friend mentioned that maybe my dad had some issues. My only 2 relationships, I saw some of my dad in them. When your a kid, you do not see really, how your parents deal with love relationships, you still love them because they are your parent, mostly. Been thinking on a different level lately
My youngest sister has also had issues, with the same kind of men. The only other biological sister has had, as far as I know, a good marriage.
Oxy is right!!!!
can’t stress it enough, No Contact, it’s the only way.
banana.
same concept, I tried in vain to warn the OW. It does not work, they are caught in the fog, just like we were.
Louise, you sound so much like me and what happened!
I feel like there is so much unfinished business between myself and my ex s, I feel like I’m literally choking on the words that I want to scream at him but was denied. Its like an ache that starts in my belly and travels upwards, stalling and burning in my throat because it cant be let out. Everyday is like this because everyday I work with him. The only relief is the tears that come pouring out when I make it home at the end of the day. Why I cant I get over this? Relationships break up everyday and people seem to get on with their lives so why can’t I?
I guess I’m hung up on the injustice of it all, the way he ended it over text message, the way he’s carrying out NC with me. I’m angry at myself for eating up the crumbs that he would occassionally throw at me as evidence of his love for me. I’m angry that I always ended up apologising for pushing him into showing that he cared for me. I’m angry that I never got to confront with him all his lies. I hate that he made me confess all my insecurities and secrets and then used them to justify his final position that I was unworthy of his continued effort, that I was too much work for him. I’m angry that I trusted him with the secret that I was abused as a child, a secret that made him find me dirty and soiled. I’m angry that he threw me away like a piece of garbage. I’m angry that he didn’t he have one ounce of sympathy or empathy for me when I had a miscarriage…his only response being “how could I let myself get pregnant in the first place”
I’m angry at how he found my body to be disgusting. He never wanted to have knowledge of my periods, I couldn’t sweat, couldnt eat something that gave me bad breath, couldn’t have stinky feet, couldnt have hair growing in normal places…I’m angry that he pull at my fat, flattening it out to show me how I could look if I tried (and believe me I’m not fat). I’m angry that despite all this he would point out the guys that would look at me when we were out in public as if he was proud that he was being seen with me. That he would tell me how happy he was that the most beautiful girl in the room was all his.
I’m angry that I let a short, balding excuse for a man treat me like this. I’m angry that the girl he cheated on me with is the skankiest piece of trash I’ve ever laid eyes on. That he made such a big deal out of doing a particular thing in bed with me (“I don’t do this for just any girl” and made me feel guilty for enjoying something that he clearly despised doing) but has done this easily with her (I still feel sick remembering reading the email he wrote to her saying how much he loved doing it to her)
Most of all I’m angry at myself for still loving him.
I would really appreciate anyones help here, as I am absolutely desperate. I have suddenly fallen into another round of grieving and its really bad, so bad, I have felt like I no longer want to go on. And I know it is stupid to let him get to me like that. But this man destroyed me.
My story in short, is that I met my S about 16 months ago, and we finished 4 months ago. I had my doubts about him from the start, as he talked constantly about his last gf, who was 17 years younger than him (he is 38), called her names and said awful things about her, and it got so bad I had to query when they actually broke up, which he told me had been a decade before me and he never loved her. Then suddenly he was in love with me after 10 days, and wanted to display our relationship on FB, I said okay, but was warey. When I visited his flat it was like something from a film about drug users. Then he makes the admission a short while after, that he is a hash addict, and was going to force himself into treatment so he doesnt lose me like he lost the last girlfriend. Oh god! Of course, he went once and after that went home and got stoned instead. Then I started getting stood up, he would just not turn up and would cut off, not answer his phone etc. He told me that he would suddenly get bad turns, plus he would need to get stoned to cope with the issues he had, but he really wanted to come off hash and didnt want to lose me.
MUPPET here of course, went out of her way to try help her S, but it became just a nightmare, backwards and forwards with one minute the lovely boyfriend and next letting me down, not turning up, disappearing, not answering his phone, but if I said anything I was the unreasonable one. “He tries his best but thats not good enough”. On one occasion, just before he was due to meet my parents, I caught him making arrangments with this ex, which he hadnt told me about, and of course he denied any intent to cheat on me, and then deleted me as his girlfriend on facebook, without even telling me we had broke up. He knew that would really hurt me, and it did, more so, he would not speak to me at all, and I was in such a state. More similar episodes, and he was angry at me that I wouldnt accept his excuses for not taking treatment for his addiction and for disappearing and ignoring me. I just always had my suspicions that he was up to other things, but I stuck with him because I wanted to believe, and I had already fallen in love with this Idiot.
We broke up last December again, shortly before Christmas, and I was ready to pack my bags and move back to the country where Im from originally. I went as far as making arrangments with my family. However me and the S ended up having a long talk, I really missed him and we decided to give it a try, that he would have to come off hash, and do it for himself, not me. He promised me that he would look after me, be a good boyfriend, and support me financially, as I had no money and no proper job. He actually cried, and told me that hash had ruined his life.
Im living in Europe but from the UK, and I went to see my parents for Xmas because I actually couldnt trust that he wouldnt let me down for Xmas day, He said he couldnt be without me that long and actually came to the UK. Mind whilst I was there on my own I spent the whole time a nervous wreck that he wouldnt turn up and ruin the rest of my Xmas holiday. He did come, surprisingly.
And when we got back, we agreed it would be a good thing if he came and moved into my flat, so he could stay off the hash and not be alone, and it worked, it went really really well, so I thought, the next 3 months. But then he started to drink, and it got so bad, that he was downing multiple bottles of wine on a night, he drove the car drunk, and one night selfishly drank until 5am when his parents and daughter were coming in a few hours time to the flat. He kicked me hard when he came to bed because I complained about the way he had pushed me out of the bed. I couldnt sleep anywhere else as his friend was on the sofa, and I just had to lie in bed scared and crying. The next day, I went out and left him to it, and this was the day it all went downhill again.
I should say the the S has also a daughter, who he hadnt seen hardly, she was 12, but started seeing her more regularly when he got together with me. I thought the world of her, and felt very sorry for her for how he had treated her. Unfortunately he went back to his old ways of not turning up and ignoring her. He would do wierd things like, sleep in the same bed as her, which freaked me out. She is 12 years old! He would not rent a place with a bedroom for her, not even have a bed for her. And she wouild be running around after him, cleaning up and worrying about him like his wife, she would even sit on his lap like a girlfriend would (sexual positions), and he didnt stop this, so wrong!
I also found out that he had a son, and the mother wouldnt allow him to see him. He had used this women, pretended to have a relationship with her, when he really wanted to get back with the daughters mother. When she got pregnant, he walked out on her and demanded she got an abortion. Why? Because it would ruin his chances of getting back with the other mother to his children. What a git! He promised me our relationship was not like, but it sure was! Anyway the sons ma wouldnt give him access as she hated him, thought he was sick, and a loser.
I tried to talk to him about his drinking, told him I loved him and wanted to support him, but he needed to get control on this, I was worried he was using this to replace hash. His reaction was to get angry at me, deleted me again as his girlfriend on Facebook before he had even left the apartment block, pack his things and walk out on me. He told me his drinking was my fault, I had driven him to it because I make problems where there arent any. He rented a luxury summerhouse up where his daughter lives, which he could afford as he was working illegally whilst claiming social security benefits. He was on the sick for psychiatric disturbances, and was not supposed to work until he had a diagnosis. But his friend gave him some black work in his shop. Anyway, so here is me left alone, with no money, he wouldnt help pay towards bills or food or anything,he walked out and left me with nothing. Even though I stayed here in this country for him.
We tried again several times over the next months, each time I believed that he was getting better, but it wasnt, it just went back to the old ways. I would get so hurt each time it went wrong, because it would be great when we were together, but when he was away from me he would be so unbelievably selfish, make arrangments and then let me down, including my 40th birthday!
After one other time of breaking up, he came to my flat and tried to make off with our shared computer, even though he knew I was reliant on that for my studies and to communicate with my family. I had to threaten him to get him to leave it! Then I found out why, his msn was open so I went in, and wohoo he chatted to women (which he had denied), loads blocked, AND a 16 year old girl on there. I also read his mails and found out that him and his 21 year old had been dealing with STDs at the same time he was asking me out on a date. I also found porn, loads of it, including teenage porn, which again he had denied ever having used even though he knew Im broad minded and there was no reason to lie, except for the fact he had something to hide which was he knew he was a cheater, sick and an addict.
He went straight back on the hash when he left me by the way, but yes, lied and denied it. I found equipment in the house and he blamed it on his friend. Eventually, as he was so desperate for a joint, he had to admit it to me that he was hooked again.
Of course, I forgave him again and again, and tried to move on, several times, but in July he suddenly ignored me one night he was assisting some rapper girl to make demos, so I figured he was stoned and screwed her. The time I saw him after that, he wouldnt sleep with me, and I found notes on starting up a sex business!!! I put them out on the piano and he hid them when he arrived back at the house with his daughter. We were supposed to all have a holiday together the next weekend, but he stood us both up, and got stoned at home instead. I left him for good that time, but it killed me.
When I went to get my things from his house, I found an old notebook and in it was loads of notes about his relationship with the 21 year old, and they were finished just before he met me but he had been head over heels in love with her, obsessively so. So he had lied, and I figured well if he had lied about that, hid his son, had lied to the sons mother, and he could work illegally over many years, he would lie about each and everything. I had no doubts that the nights he disappeared he was off with his bits somewhere else including with the 21 year old.
The next thing I hear is, that he has got a job in a school as a teacher. He did teach 10 years ago, but stopped because he became mentally ill. I tried to talk him out of it, I thought he should get diagnsed first, get into a treatment clinic, and try to be a parent instead of damaging his daughter, but he got really angry and cut me off again.
He didnt speak to me for a long time, I tried to get money out of him for the debt I was in as a result of him moving out, the computer he had made broke, and my mother became seriously ill, but I was just ignored and thrown on the pavement. When I accused him of having treated me badly, like his toilet, he told me I was out of order (ive just realised thats a bad pun hahaha), sick in the head, and that if my friends heard me they would think I needed treatment.
I tried thereafter to get answers out of him about all the things he had done, and he told me he couldnt answer, he did not know why he did things, it was impulsive, he couldnt help himself, he had a difficult time mentally on a permanent basis and he was uncontrollable. He had never loved me, and didnt even know why he had started that relationship with me. I thought, this guy is really sick. I mean, he cant even treat his own children decently let other have responsibilty for an entire class. And he is working as a teacher, teaching teenagers and then going home and watching porn of teenagers just older than his students. So you can guess what I did – yeps rang the school and told them about him. They had no idea about his background of course. Unfortunately bad move for me, I got threats from him and the daughters mother, put down, told how sick I am, how everyone in the community hates me, and I was so frightened i had to contact the school and tell them I couldnt be involved anymore. He actually convinced them that me (good background, job as a lawyer) was some sick ex girlfriend who couldnt get over him. The problem is, in this country, they cant check up as thoroughly as they can in the UK or USA. In the UK they could have checked with the authorities to see if he had been put on the sick for mental disturbances and drug addiction. I had to get one of the lawyers at my work to ask him to leave me alone, it got that bad with messages and so on.
Anyway, he got to keep his job. Nice huh?
As you can guess, this is only a very very small part of my story about my S. And emotionally, I have broken down several times. Now I was doing okay, and then suddenly this weekend, I have completely lost it. I have wondered if I have PTSD or something, I just cant hold it together. The stuff with the school was a month ago. I did go near to where he lives to visit something, and it brought back all the memories, plus there are birthdays coming up and christmas. It also doesnt help that I stayed in another country to be with him and now he has gone, and everywhere I visit has memories in some way.
I have the most awful feelings of grief, I miss him, this man who treated me like an idiot, like his toilet, used me, lied to me, cheated on me, threw me aside after he got his use. The most unfeeling, nasty piece of work I ever met. Why do I miss this horrible person? Why does my brain keep focusing on the good times and want him back in my life? Its like there, pangs, every day, when I wake up, until I go to bed.
And then on the other hand, I remember all the bad things he did to me, and the things he said to put me down, all the mental abuse I endured, and then that really hurts.
All this together, just makes me feel so confused and hurt and I cant cope. Yesterday when I came home I was in floods of tears and it went on into my sleep of only a few hours, and Ive been like that all day. It hurts so bad it makes me feel suicidal. Why am I feeling like this still, when we broke up 4 months ago?
Please help me come out of this horrible hole :O(
Thanks for reading.
Shanmoo