It has been five years since the sociopath was arrested and I was set free. Five years of growth, of change, of healing.
Five years of pain and sorrow leading the way to laughter and joy, abundance and gratitude.
Five years after the ending of that debacle, I am grateful that I no longer have to think about him, or worry about him, or do things because of him, or even for him.
Five years of growing into doing for me. Living for me. Turning up for me without fear.
What a difference time makes.
As I look back to those days when my life was narrowly defined by what he wanted, he said, he needed, he dictated, I am in awe of how far I’ve come, by how much has changed.
I am in awe.
Of who I have become, who I am, how I’ve changed.
In these five years I have found my voice and claimed my right to use it proudly. Sure, I had a voice before the sociopath rode in. And, I had a voice while with him. Even before him however, I never truly knew how to use my voice. I never truly knew the unique qualities of my voice.
When I met him, he told me how sweet my voice sounded. I believed him and asked him to tell me more. And he did. Beautiful, round, plump words of affirmation that seduced me with the sound of his voice echoing my words. And then, time moved on and his words became bitter and harsh. The sound of my voice irritated him and frightened me. I grew silent. Afraid. Lost. In my silence, I lost my ability to speak up, to voice my feelings, my thoughts, my ideas. I lost my ability to recognize my very own unique voice.
Five years since the moment of his arrest, I have found my voice again.
Hear me roar.
My voice is no longer a dulcet tone sweetly singing a serenade befitting his promises of love everlasting. Of gentle words calling out for his love undying, his love forever more. My voice is no longer a plaintive ode running away from the truth of his deceit and my betrayal ringing loud and clear through every note.
Today, my voice is a mighty roar. It is power. It is strength. It is courage. It is my truth spoken in love because I have the courage to stand up for me and speak without fear of ever being judged unlovable, unwanted, unworthy.
I am worthy.
Today, my voice is a song of freedom. Pure. Clear. Powerful. My voice carries. It carries me through tough times, hard times, over rocky ground and inclement weather.
My voice is strong. My voice is the sound of me standing up for what I believe in, what I desire, what I deserve. My voice is speaking up for me and speaking out against that which I cannot stand up for without fearing ridicule or dissension. With my voice I know, disagreement does not equal rejection. With my truth spoken clearly, I no longer reject my voice or allow it to be turned off by someone else’s assertions that they hold the only truth I need to hear.
My voice is fearless. My voice is caring. My voice is loving. My voice is unique.
Long ago I lost my voice beneath the sadness of loving a man whom I did not deserve. Long ago, I buried my voice beneath the sorrow of loving a man who was untrue.
No more.
Today, I claim my right to speak up. To be heard. To be counted on and counted in. Today, I let go of searching for meaning in someone else’s words because I know my own truth. When I speak for who I am and what I believe in, I am free to live in love with all of me. Fearlessly. Effortlessly. With grace and ease.
Once upon a time, I lost my voice. Today, I speak up, passionately, courageously, fearlessly. In having moved away from those days of loathing the sound of my own voice, I know what was can never be because what was with him was only fantasy.
Today, I step fearlessly into the truth. My voice is unique. Hear me roar.
And in my voice, I invite you to claim your truth as well. Your voice is unique. Let it roar.
Good Sunday afternoon to you, M.L. Gallagher.
That is WONDERFUL. A truly inspiring roar, and great news.
You said it so eloquently. Congratulations !
I want to be there one day too. I believe I can be. I am on my way…
My truth is right in front of me now. Living in the fantasy world of love for so long, I am confronted by the remarkable boredom that exists in my everday life. I am on bedrest. I can’t exercise, garden, or bikeride. I get tired walking through the stores. The lonliness that follows after a love affair is over, especially on bedrest, is overwhelming. Thank god I only have one more month to keep this baby in my tummy. There is only so much internet, tv, and reading that I can do before I explode. I want my hobbies and inspiration back!
I also want to be able to write on myspace etc without worrying if I am violating no contact. It seems like if I write something, and someone reads it, it could be the sociopath, and then I am communicating indirectly. Even at this site I worry that he has been here and from my postings he knows its me. Am I violating no contact by being here? Am I giving too much information about myself? I don’t even want to worry about it.
I have a goal to reach out to a different person everyday. I am not getting that connection with anyone that I felt with the ex sociopath, even if it was only on my side. The assurance that I would get called multiple times a day from him, stopped me from reaching out to different people. So instead I am working on getting a connection from a larger group of people instead of one person. I have a long way to go before I feel the same level of connection.
I am not in the mood to date right now. To my surprise and ego boost, I have been asked out on dates even though I am very pregnant. I don’t want to date for a while. It has become increasing clear to me that I need to work on my truth before I date.
My truth that has revealed itself in the wake of the sociopath, is that I have a fear that the people I find interesting will find me as boring as I find myself. It seems as if they always do. And, the people that I don’t find initally interesting, I don’t know how to become friends with because I have never tried, and I really need to. This is my truth, and I need to work on it, outside of dating.
Dating is my cop out, to my truth. Dating is my grasping for a connection with someone, anyone that i find remotely interesting, to sweep my truth under the carpet to forget about it for a while. My truth, is a lonely place. But I am sure that it is my truth, that is the reason I ended up with a sociopath in the first place.
Bird,
I have the same feeling oddly enough….
By the way, do whatever you’d like to do (ex. myspace)
I actually got a real protection order, and the judge said it is not me but him(sociopath) who should avoid you.
You got an emotional protection order so you are being protected!!!!
Yes… I went outside and realized that there are so many happy couples. I cannot still understand how that bad sociopath messed up my whole life.
Over this con artist, my whole family is going through a hard time. I just talked with my mom, and she told me that my whole family cannot sleep because they cannot still believe that how my ex could do all the acting (like he had cancer treatment…. After his fake cancer treatment, he acted as like he was really sick… he pucked.. pucked… and cried with anger and fake fear. Poor me and poor my family have all the burden over this. Marriage fraud…that’s something even more serious in Asian country that you cannot even think about. My social life is basically done in my country. I don’t have choice but to stay here if I really would like to have a job….. but he made me to face a personal bankruptcy…. what can I do????
When I feel anxious I feel it in my throat, my throat closes and I get this constricted feeling. I had that all the time when I was with the N. My normally strong voice, sounded strangled and weak, like he had his hands round my throat. When I rang friends, they noticed my state of mental health by the way I SOUNDED. At times I felt like I was gasping for breath, like all my ‘communication energy’ was being strangled and I felt anxious around him alot. Since he left, I have returned to normality in my voice.
Hello everyone,
Annie, thanks!
Bird, after the sociopath, I found my truth was elusive. So many lies had taken hold of my psyche that every thought was filtered through the untruths he had told me, masquarading as if they were real.
To find my truth I had to keep asking myself the question, “Is this true? If I believe it to be true, do I want to live with it forever or am I willing to let it go to find what’s real beneath it?”
No Contact is meant to protect you — it’s important in that process that you write out, speak out, let go of what you must in connection with him. Whether or not he’s spying is not important to your life today — you’re being able to speak freely, to write out your anger, fear, frustration, loneliness, the emotions that are boiling within you because of that relationship — that is important. This is a safe place for you to heal, keep writing it out, keep giving voice to what ails you so that you can leap for joy into what heals you.
I was alone in my healing. Once I let go of my fear of facing the truth, loneliness evaporated and I was given a beautiful sense of calm — this is my one and only wild and precious life. It’s up to me to live it up!
HL, I am sorry to hear that in your culture it is so difficult to let go of what he did so you can be free.
My mother used to like to tell me how what had happened affected everyone in my family — I would reply, thank you for caring enough to share.
And let it go.
Marriage fraud is serious in any country — unfortunately, what these people do is the same in any country — they lie, deceive, abuse, manipulate — and move on to the next target.
What he did was never about you. It had everything to do with him. He did what he did because he could — and he’ll keep doing it because he can. And it was never about you.
I believe the only thing we can do is to claim our right to live free of abuse. Claim our right to be the awesome, amazing women and men we are.
Beverly — isn’t that amazing. My daughters always said that when I spoke with the sociopath, I sounded weird. I sounded just as you said (and felt it too!) “like he had his hands round my throat.”
Thanks!
ML
Good morning,ML,
You expressed so well the joy at having a voice and opinion back. I walked around for so many years with my eyes downcast and wouldn’t make eye contact with most anyone, other than my children, for fear of seeing that scathing look that had been directed at me for many years. I think of how I went from this happy woman, deliriously happy at being a wife with the prospects of being a mother, to only have it diminish with each word and action. The joy of being my children’s mother never left, but being a wife and woman did. Actually I hated being a wife. I had all kinds of thoughts inside of me. None of doing bodily harm, but always figured the only way I’d ever be truly happy would be if my husband died or I did. What an awful way to live.
The worst part was knowing in my heart what was happening, but the helplessness of doing something about it. I was a transplant in a community where my husband was well known, but I wasn’t. They would have believed him but not me. Granted he didn’t beat me physically, but what he did to my spirit did more damage. To be loved and cared for prior to marriage and to be discarded within 6 months after, and then be subject to the love/hate, never knowing how I would be perceived on a daily basis, left a lasting memory. I read where the first lie in a marriage begins at the altar. Without truth, the whole relationship is a debacle.
That’s what left me so vulnerable to this man who insisted we were friends. He just saw me as an easy target and he too, took my voice. I was so weakened by what I thought was my need for a man in my life and wanting to be fulfilled as a woman, that I allowed him, too, to determine my boundaries. I see the ridiculousness of it all now. I just don’t understand why some go through it and others recognize it for what it is. I think there are more like us than not. If a man, like my “friend” can sweet talk and woo all the women he has to satisfy his lust, proves there are a lot of women who have weak boundaries like I had. I just would like to see these kinds of men humbled.
I, too, am thankful I live in a country where I can declare my freedom. Being a submissive wife doesn’t mean we have to be subservient. But why don’t these American men see that? Why are there so many out here who want to dominate a woman and not see her as an equal? Something has really gotten lost in the translation! I want to pass on to all women the need for strong boundaries and to know they have rights just like any other woman has. A single woman goes through life doing what works for her. Why does a man think he has the right to take her freedom of independence away when he says he loves her? I am not a woman who will drop her hanky just so a man will pick it up so he feels needed. If I have to go through life being needy to make a man feel needed, I’ll be alone. I can’t and won’t be something I’m not.
But I, too, add my voice with all the rest. Sure feels good. In fact this friend who wanted to own me, told me not too long ago, that I became a mouth. I’m like, you are so right and it’s about time. I used to be intimidated by the sound of my own voice and the fear of saying the wrong thing. Now I speak the truth in God’s love and if those who hear don’t like it, I say, take it up with Him. He has brought the truth and freedom I deserved.
Just another thought that comforts me. For those who love God’s words and see them as truth…Psalm 126:5 They that sow in tears shall reap in joy!! Our tears don’t go unrewarded or unnoticed. Someone really does care.
Very well put M. L.–wouldn’t it be wonderful is we could all roar in unison?!!!! Maybe, just maybe, our roars (on blogs like this and others) will reach some of the people who most desperately need to hear it so that they can realize that they are ABLE to escape, and join their roar to ours! Thank you.
That was lovely and poetic, ML. Also powerful, moving and inspirational. I hear you loud and clear, make no mistake about that…haha.
The search for my very own truth, my own voice, has been a slow, arduous, ongoing process for about 4 years now. I can pinpoint exactly the time when I started asking myself these questions..”Who am I? What is my purpose? Am I strong enough to seek, understand, and implement these life altering questions/answers? Or, am I going to continue to do it the way I’ve always been doing it because change is scary?”
Yes, change can be terrifying, but change is inevitable. I either need to move with it, or be left behind, stagnant, stuck in the same old ruts time & time again.
And a strange thing started happening to me. I discovered that as I welcomed, embraced the inevitability of change (in myself and in the world), so many wonderful opportunities, so many wonderful CHOICES were exposed to me.
I no longer fear change. Change is good.
When I found LoveFraud 2 months ago, I was hurt, disenchanted, heartbroken from what I thought was something real. I don’t blame my Xbf for deceiving me into believing he was someone I could trust, love. I don’t blame anyone actually anymore. But it was by my very own consent, my very own girlish romantic fantasies, my very own lack of reasonable, self-protecting boundaries, that I willingly allowed him into my precious life. And it has been a destructive pattern for many years of my life. I’m no masochist; I don’t like pain, pain hurts! But through the pain of suffering, through rigorous self-discovery, I have found my very own lovely voice.
Wanna hear it? It’s deep and husky, vibrant & robust with life, love & joy.
Thank you ML Gallagher.
It makes me feel good to read what you wrote. After reading it, I realize that this life is about me and my needs now. I have been telling myself today that it is about me and my baby now. I don’t have to worry about him any more. What a relief! It just feels so good to have that realization today.
HL-my cousin declared bankrupsy and is going to school. The two can be done at the same time. I think you might not be able to buy a house for a while. But I would do what you can to finish school. It will be your savior in the end.