I recently heard from yet another Lovefraud reader who realizes that she’s been in a relationship with a sociopath. She’s in the phase of trying to wrap her brain around about what these people are, and sent me the following email:
What happens to these people? These sociopaths? How do they end up in life? Do they just go from victim to victim? Have any of them ever realized the affliction of which they suffer? Do they ever realize they are not capable of love? If they are not capable of love, they will never be happy, right? So…you could present “Red Flags of Love Fraud” to a sociopath and they would not see themselves in it, correct? Do they ever see the error of their ways? There is a rather cryptic site called Narcissism Cured, but that doesn’t seem to be possible.
I’m thinking they die alone and unhappy. They don’t have the capacity to find true happiness if they don’t have the capacity to love. Chemically, what goes on in their brains? Is research being done? Does it run in families?
Many readers, I’m sure, have the same questions, so I’ll address them one at a time.
What happens to these people? These sociopaths? How do they end up in life?
Many sociopaths eventually crash and burn. But it can take a long time—decades—during which they create havoc for just about everyone in their lives.
There is evidence that sociopaths die younger than people who are not disordered, due to their reckless lifestyle. Even some so-called “successful psychopaths”—those who ply their exploitative trade in the business world—may eventually face a comeuppance. Think Bernie Madoff.
Unfortunately, the sociopath you encountered may never pay directly for what he did to you. You may eventually hear that his life fell apart, that he’s burned all his bridges and is in trouble and alone, and you may feel like he got what he deserved.
But don’t wait for it. You need to find your own way of getting past what happened, so that you can move on.
Do they just go from victim to victim?
Yes. Sociopaths live their lives by exploiting people. They view every social interaction as a feeding opportunity.
Have any of them ever realized the affliction of which they suffer?
Yes, some of them realize that they are sociopaths. I have heard from people who tell me they’ve been diagnosed with the disorder. Some of them seem to be perturbed—they’re probably the ones who are fairly low on the sociopathic scale.
Others view themselves as superior beings. They don’t view sociopathy as an affliction. Rather, they see it as a competitive advantage.
Do they ever realize they are not capable of love?
Some of them know they are missing something. But having never experienced love, they don’t quite know what it is. It’s like asking someone who is colorblind to describe red or green. They have no frame of reference.
If they are not capable of love, they will never be happy, right?
Sociopaths are motivated by three things: power, control and sex. So when they feel like they have power and control, or when they successfully pursue sex, they would probably describe themselves as happy.
So…you could present “Red Flags of Love Fraud” to a sociopath and they would not see themselves in it, correct?
They may very well recognize their behavior. But they probably won’t see anything wrong with it.
Do they ever see the error of their ways?
Sociopaths feel totally entitled to do whatever they want to get whatever they want. So if you hear words like, “I’m sorry,” “I know I’ve treated you badly,” or “It’s all my fault,” well, they are not expressing genuine remorse. They’re worming their way back into your life so they can exploit you again.
There is a rather cryptic site called Narcissism Cured, but that doesn’t seem to be possible.
All sociopaths are narcissists, although not all narcissists are sociopaths. The difference appears to be in the degree of malevolence. Narcissists are so focused on themselves that they don’t notice when they hurt people. Sociopaths often hurt people intentionally.
Once a sociopath is an adult, there is no proven cure. I think the same thing applies to narcissists.
It may be possible for someone with a personality disorder to learn to control the expression of his or her disorder. But keeping a lid on bad behavior doesn’t mean the disorder is cured.
I’m thinking they die alone and unhappy. They don’t have the capacity to find true happiness if they don’t have the capacity to love.
Perhaps. They may also live by the motto, “He who dies with the most toys wins.”
Chemically, what goes on in their brains? Is research being done?
There are chemical and structural differences in the brains of psychopaths (the term used by most academic researchers). There are also differences in the ways that parts of psychopaths’ brains communicate with each other.
Research is ongoing. Maybe the scientists will eventually find a way to change the brain to correct the disorder. But will a psychopath submit to treatment? If they don’t believe there is anything wrong with them, why should they?
Does it run in families?
Psychopathy is highly genetic. This means people may be born with a predisposition for the disorder. Whether the disorder actually develops has much to do with environmental factors, especially the parenting that the individual receives.
If a person is born with the genes for psychopathy, if often means that one of the parents is disordered. Unfortunately, psychopaths make terrible parents, so conditions are usually ripe for their children to also become disordered. In fact, some psychopaths intentionally try to turn their children into little Mini-Mes.
That’s why it’s so important to understand the Red Flags of Love Fraud. Becoming romantically involved with these individuals always has the potential of leading to children—children who may also become disordered.
Skylar
Yes I know what you mean now. I think that some people are just like that and that that in itself is indeed some kind of addiction. The thrill of the chase and then when they have you they discard you. But at least they just discard you, they don’t ‘play’ with you like a spath does. They are merely arseholes, not psychopaths.
With my last spath, I do actually think he has entered the ‘moving on’ stage in his current situation. Even though it is extremely comfortable for him, he is bored and his game is almost up. I have a decent home in a very affluent area, a fantastic job that is quite high paid and I offered up this information initially and so he thought he was on a winner. Then he realised that I wasn’t easy enough to control and that I was totally in love with someone else and that’s when his problems started so he switched it up into hyperdrive which only alerted me more that there is something not right with this person. Then when he found out I was not some rich guy living in a mansion in an affluent area, it was farewell.
Never again, I really don’t understand if you are “TOTALLY in love with someone else” why you were having a sexual affair with the psychopath in the first place. I’m not trying to put you on the spot here, but I truly do not understand being in love with someone “totally” and desiring to have a physical fling with someone else.
FOR ME sex should be a “bonding ritual between two people who love each other.” I realize that is not the way it is with everyone and that “casual sex” is accepted in many groups and individuals as not a “big deal,” but I do not understand it when one or both individuals is in “love” with someone else.
I read the other day that like 67% of married men say that adultery is ALWAYS wrong, but 66% of married men cheat at least once in the marriage. Not sure what the gay stats would be for people in long standing relationships.
Multiple sexual partners (even with condoms and safer sex practices) is an increased risk for STDs, so when one or both members of a relationship have extra relationship sexual contacts, it brings in a risk factor to the other partner as well.
After my husband died I had a relationship with a man I thought would save me from my grief, but he turned out to be a psychopath looking for his next “respectable wife” to cheat on. I found out what he was up to and kicked him to the curb. Broke my heart.
He told me “you can’t tell me who I can sleep with or who I can’t.”
I said “That’s true, but I can tell you who I WILL SLEEP WITH and it is NOT WITH SOMEONE WHO IS SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE ELSE OTHER THAN ME.”
I also found out he was sleeping with a “meth ho” ex gf of his druggie son…as well as others who were intermittent, but long term, affairs. Funny thing, he preferred nurses for some reason. Ended up marrying one. I feel sorry for her. She did not get a prize.
Moondancer;
Many gay men are not only sluts but highly dysfunctional. For whatever reason, there is a much higher incidence of Cluster-B Personality Disorders among gay men than the general population. Some is due to discrimination and growing up disenfranchised, some is due to the simple fact that genetic and epigenetic factors that cause sociopathy are very similar to those that cause sexual orientation. In fact, up to the 1970s, many psychologists viewed homosexuality as a form of Narcissism.
Certainly, walking into any gay club supports this notion. What I always find particularly interesting is that despite the fears of many gay men becoming “invisible” once they hit 40, many gay men seem to be accelerating their demise with their lifestyle: smoking, tanning beds, drugs, drinking and of course risking HIV. The only answer to this paradox is Narcissism and Sociopathy — these gay men simply cannot see or accept the long-term consequences of their behavior.
Don’t get me wrong, I have had my issues — times when I drank too much or was a bit too slutty. However, I always thought about long-term consequences and never smoked, did many drugs (except weed) and never really enjoyed anonymous sex. Interestingly, virtually all my gay friends think I am far more slutty than in actuality… I also exercise, not to just look good but to feel good and more important for general wellness, especially long-term wellness. Exercise for your health and wellness is like money in the bank. Actually, better than money in the bank. I am over 40 and look very, very good. Too bad that I am in the minority.
Thus, when meeting other gay men, a simple test has always served me well: do they smoke and drink excessively? If so, move on, as in my experience among gay men, this combination is a huge red flag to other issues, not only their long-term health and wellness but their general mental state.
Had I stuck to this simple test when I met the x-spath, I would have moved on. However, to my defense, the x-spath mirrored my values there and told me that he had given up both smoking and drinking but just started up again…
He certainly could be the cover boy for the long-term affects of Narcissism, literally aging 10 years in just a few: too much sun in Spain, smoking, drinking, drugs, then HIV medication. For two years this really saddened me. Now, I just view it as reaping what one sows…
Oxy
My partner and I ‘had’ an open relationship at ‘that’ point. We were apart for very long stretches of time (sometimes up to 3 months at a time) due to work commitments, so it seemed like a good idea at the time…. There were rules to the arrangement ie one offs only and the psychopath was the first time in the 6 years that we had that ‘arrangement’ that I ever broke that rule which was only because of the way he pressured me into it.
Things are different since the ‘attack’, the relationship is now closed and we have made changes to our working lives so that it doesn’t affect our relationship as much. I never wanted an open relationship, but unfortunately in ‘gayworld’ it is just kind of accepted as ‘the way things go’. When this all happened we talked about a lot of things we never had before and realised we had both just kind of zoned out on our relationship, this is now been rectified.
Gosh, I know a number of gay couples that are 100% exclusive. I’m glad that you were able to sort out your relationship, Never_again. In theory, committment transcends all relationships, I think.
And, for me, I will never “commit” myself to another partner – not ever. My former self was so devoted to commitment that it was to my own detriment. I’m committed to myself, right now, and my recovery.
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak
I NEVER wanted an open relationship and deep down I don’t think my partner ever did either. It was more discussed so that if anything did ever happen while we were apart, that the guilt wouldn’t destroy the relationship. It wasn’t because either of us were doing anything or even wanted to, it was more of a preventative measure to save the relationship crumbling if some stupid mistake did ever happen.
Also I think a lot more gay couples are ‘open’ than you would expect, they just don’t tell anyone about it. I have actually been shocked over the years to find that most of my friends who are in relationships have pretty much always been in open ones, it’s just not discussed outside of their relationships.
Never_again, I’m not trying to come across as harsh or accusatory, on any level, but I disagree that there’s some delineation between committed couples in the gay v. hetero communities. I know of more hetero couples who are in a legal contract of marriage that are not committed to one another than I do of committed gay couples, seriously. And, there are just as many philanderers in the hetero community as there are in the gay community, per capita, if we are truthfully examining the issue.
The only difference that I see between gay and hetero relationships is that one is accepted and (in most states) allowed to enter into a contract of marriage, while the other is still dismissed and has very limited options with entering into (and, dissolving) contracts of marriage.
So, having typed that, if you never wanted an open relationship, why would you agree to such an arrangement to aleviate one of guilt as a “preventative measure to save the relationship crumbling if some stupid mistake did ever happen?” Isn’t that sort of setting a PRE-existing excuse for engaging in an encounter outside of the relationship?
Again, it’s not my intent to come off harsh or judgemental. I know other couples who have come to the same type of “agreement” because such an agreement openly ALLOWS for any “mistake” to occur, to be tolerated, and to be forgiven. Personally (and, I mean for me, only), I wouldn’t accept such an agreement under any circumstances. I OFTEN expressed to the exspath how damaging cheating was, especially if there existed a legal contract of marriage – it not only violates the contract (NOT vows), but it doesn’t allow EITHER party to dissolve (or, repair) the relationship BEFORE someone engages in an affair. But, that’s just my view on it.
For me, there is NO such thing as a committment to another person in a romantic relationship – there simply isn’t. First, I have to “fix” what’s wrong with me before I can even entertain the notion of having a partner. And, that simply ain’t gonna happen because I’ve been damaged my entire life. LOL!!
Truth speak
To be honest because of work our relationship had always been a difficult one. We also work together so we would go from having 3 months apart to being locked together 24 hours a day for 2 months. It was a very vicious cycle and now we relise that our relationship was just in major trouble.
Being open I guess allowed us both an escape from that, instead of changing the way we did things in other areas of our lives, we made the wrong choice in how to fix things. We were broken for a very long time, we both realise this now and it took the relationship almost dissolving for us to realise that. In many ways the spath attack was very instrumental in fixing us. We had to face our problems head on instead of burying them and our relationship now is better than it has ever been apart from the obvious scars the encounter has left me to deal with which he finds very hard to deal with.
I was in a very bad place for a long time, the spath snapped me out of that. But it made his job much easier because of the way things were between my partner and I. I loved my partner and always felt extreme guilt for what I was doing, but I felt trapped by this person. It was only once I had ended it that I was forced to reevaluate my entire life and very existence and decide what I wanted and had to do to fix things. It would’ve been much easier if I am honest to just walk away from everything and start again on my own. But I have someone who loves me and who I love more than live itself, so I decided I owed it to both of us to stay and work things out. So far things have been great, better than they have been in years. Will we survive in the long term, who knows, at the moment I am taking things one day at a time.
Never_again, I am so happy that you sorted out your relationship and that it is strong and committed. Seriously. And, it speaks to your partner that there is a willingness to sort it out for the good.
I guess, in each story that I read, the exposure to spaths sort of opened doors that had been previously closed and locked. In my situation, my vulnerabilities might as well have been blinking neon lights on my forehead, NEEDY, DEPENDENT, FEARFUL!
It takes a lot of courage and love to repair a relationship, and good for you that you have!
Brightest blessings
The thing that amazes me about my spath is that the women with whom he cheated were fine with the idea of him cheating upon me. They all seemed to think that he would only cheat upon and abuse me. They had the nerve to be sorry, shocked, surprised, and hurt when he did the same things to them. It was all okay as long as I was the only one receiving this treatment. They didn’t care in the least until it became clear that he was involved with multiple women and that I, the “main woman”, wasn’t the only other person with whom he was involved. I mean I seriously just laugh at all of them because people seem to believe that he reserves his nasty behavior for only certain people. They don’t realize, until it is too late, that he does this to all people.