I recently heard from yet another Lovefraud reader who realizes that she’s been in a relationship with a sociopath. She’s in the phase of trying to wrap her brain around about what these people are, and sent me the following email:
What happens to these people? These sociopaths? How do they end up in life? Do they just go from victim to victim? Have any of them ever realized the affliction of which they suffer? Do they ever realize they are not capable of love? If they are not capable of love, they will never be happy, right? So…you could present “Red Flags of Love Fraud” to a sociopath and they would not see themselves in it, correct? Do they ever see the error of their ways? There is a rather cryptic site called Narcissism Cured, but that doesn’t seem to be possible.
I’m thinking they die alone and unhappy. They don’t have the capacity to find true happiness if they don’t have the capacity to love. Chemically, what goes on in their brains? Is research being done? Does it run in families?
Many readers, I’m sure, have the same questions, so I’ll address them one at a time.
What happens to these people? These sociopaths? How do they end up in life?
Many sociopaths eventually crash and burn. But it can take a long time—decades—during which they create havoc for just about everyone in their lives.
There is evidence that sociopaths die younger than people who are not disordered, due to their reckless lifestyle. Even some so-called “successful psychopaths”—those who ply their exploitative trade in the business world—may eventually face a comeuppance. Think Bernie Madoff.
Unfortunately, the sociopath you encountered may never pay directly for what he did to you. You may eventually hear that his life fell apart, that he’s burned all his bridges and is in trouble and alone, and you may feel like he got what he deserved.
But don’t wait for it. You need to find your own way of getting past what happened, so that you can move on.
Do they just go from victim to victim?
Yes. Sociopaths live their lives by exploiting people. They view every social interaction as a feeding opportunity.
Have any of them ever realized the affliction of which they suffer?
Yes, some of them realize that they are sociopaths. I have heard from people who tell me they’ve been diagnosed with the disorder. Some of them seem to be perturbed—they’re probably the ones who are fairly low on the sociopathic scale.
Others view themselves as superior beings. They don’t view sociopathy as an affliction. Rather, they see it as a competitive advantage.
Do they ever realize they are not capable of love?
Some of them know they are missing something. But having never experienced love, they don’t quite know what it is. It’s like asking someone who is colorblind to describe red or green. They have no frame of reference.
If they are not capable of love, they will never be happy, right?
Sociopaths are motivated by three things: power, control and sex. So when they feel like they have power and control, or when they successfully pursue sex, they would probably describe themselves as happy.
So…you could present “Red Flags of Love Fraud” to a sociopath and they would not see themselves in it, correct?
They may very well recognize their behavior. But they probably won’t see anything wrong with it.
Do they ever see the error of their ways?
Sociopaths feel totally entitled to do whatever they want to get whatever they want. So if you hear words like, “I’m sorry,” “I know I’ve treated you badly,” or “It’s all my fault,” well, they are not expressing genuine remorse. They’re worming their way back into your life so they can exploit you again.
There is a rather cryptic site called Narcissism Cured, but that doesn’t seem to be possible.
All sociopaths are narcissists, although not all narcissists are sociopaths. The difference appears to be in the degree of malevolence. Narcissists are so focused on themselves that they don’t notice when they hurt people. Sociopaths often hurt people intentionally.
Once a sociopath is an adult, there is no proven cure. I think the same thing applies to narcissists.
It may be possible for someone with a personality disorder to learn to control the expression of his or her disorder. But keeping a lid on bad behavior doesn’t mean the disorder is cured.
I’m thinking they die alone and unhappy. They don’t have the capacity to find true happiness if they don’t have the capacity to love.
Perhaps. They may also live by the motto, “He who dies with the most toys wins.”
Chemically, what goes on in their brains? Is research being done?
There are chemical and structural differences in the brains of psychopaths (the term used by most academic researchers). There are also differences in the ways that parts of psychopaths’ brains communicate with each other.
Research is ongoing. Maybe the scientists will eventually find a way to change the brain to correct the disorder. But will a psychopath submit to treatment? If they don’t believe there is anything wrong with them, why should they?
Does it run in families?
Psychopathy is highly genetic. This means people may be born with a predisposition for the disorder. Whether the disorder actually develops has much to do with environmental factors, especially the parenting that the individual receives.
If a person is born with the genes for psychopathy, if often means that one of the parents is disordered. Unfortunately, psychopaths make terrible parents, so conditions are usually ripe for their children to also become disordered. In fact, some psychopaths intentionally try to turn their children into little Mini-Mes.
That’s why it’s so important to understand the Red Flags of Love Fraud. Becoming romantically involved with these individuals always has the potential of leading to children—children who may also become disordered.
Oxy i keep my mouth shut everywhere but here, thanks for chiming in on my blabberin…..happy new year to all…
Yea, we have to realize what our responsibilities are and what they are not, and if other adults want to run their lives in a way we think is poor choice, it is NOT our responsibility to correct them.
Remember the discussion we had a couple of years ago I guess it was now about the people you worked for NOT being your “friends”?
You may be “friendly” to them and they to you, but that doesn’t make them your FRIENDS…it would be nice if they were but they aren’t always. You are PAID to do a JOB and that is all you are responsible for, doing the job.
I always wanted to take on more responsibility than I should have, especially in clinical situations…but you and I are proof that even OLD DOGS can learn new tricks. Like setting boundaries. And that is what you are doing with her and him as well. Good job!
Louise 😀
Spain is this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spain
And the women, some more ugly than many of these ones (some are models) and some more prettier http://fotosmujereshermosas.com/espanolas. But i mean the variety. There are more brunette than blonde ones but like in these pictures this is the type of Italian, Spanish and French women (Portuguese they say they have a bit of moustache…:D). All the latin countries (Roman countries) have this type of people.
French people had colonies in Africa, in arabic part (Argelia) and in the black part (Congo, etc) and they’re mediterranean europeans, havent become black (rather the contrary, some argelians and morocco people whitened because of the French). Spanish had colonies in South America and that’s why there are some white people in Latin-America.
In LatinAmerica happened in fact something very uncommon: three races were mixed: the indian american native+ the huge quantity of black slaves that were brought there+ the spanish. And that’s why they’re so exotic: some more or less white, some more or less mulato, some more or less negro, and of course there are still some more or less indians and there are also some pure american indians (these ones I personally find exotic. These men, and also women, when they’re handsome are very exotic and attractive, or well, i like them).
Eva:
Thanks for that. Very interesting. The spath I knew fell in love with a woman from a Caribbean island…she is Hispanic. It is a spanish speaking island. I am sure he fell for her exotic dark looks, her accent, etc. After I had thought about it, they have a lot in common. They are both foreign, they both grew up surrounded by water and they were both raised Catholic. She seems fun and is about 10 years younger than him…probably his dream come true. He is English…very pale skin, blue eyes, light hair. So he loves the contrast. I am also dark hair and dark eyed, but I am of European descent; some eastern European. He used to say I had olive skin and told me I was mysterious and that made me “erotic.” I think he loves the white/dark contrast.
Louise,
Yes, that happens to all of us, at least during some periods of our lives. Of course she speaks Spanish, probably the whole SouthAmerica speaks Spanish with the exception of Brazil, in which they speak Portuguesse, because it was an ex Portuguese colony.
The Caribbean is full of blacks and mulatos. Don’t know why they brought so many black slaves to the Caribbean islands, but the truth is those islands were specially loaded with black slaves. The black people brought with them their customs that were mixed with indian ones and with the european ones. They’re the most exotic psysically and also because of their customs.
Yes, they speak a sweeter variety of Spanish language. Spanish from America is in fact nice. Colombians, for example, speak a very nice variety of the language. Even the Argentinian people, who have among the strongest accent, is sweeter and more musical than the Spanish from Spain.
I’m not exotic at all, light brown hair, grey-green eyes and very white (though not albino type! :D) skinned. I have, in fact, to be careful with the sun because i get spots very easily.
We have a tendency to find exotic which is different. In my case I don’t like very much mulato people but I prefer the native American Indians. Or in Europe some Scandinavians with those deep blue eyes, sometimes green ones, very blonde hair but not so white-pink like many British and taller than the British. But these are very superficial characteristics, i mean a relationship can’t be based on such a superficial reason.
Your psychopath will get tired of that woman. No matter how fresh and sweet is her character, how young she is. I feel pity for her, regrettably many psychopaths and paranoids-authoritarian personalities (included many Spanish men) still go hunting these women.
Eva:
I am actually very pale, too, but I have an olive cast to my skin. I guess you would say I am a “pale olive.” But my eyes are dark and hair is dark. I burn very easily in the sun believe it or not and am battling the brown age spots on my face.
We do tend to draw towards what is opposite of us, but I think in the end, it will be the thing that tears us apart. They always say that the things that drew you to your partner or the things that you think are “cute” about your partner are the things in the end that you will end up hating and I find this to be true.
I am sure he will get tired of her sooner or later. He gets tired of everything so why would she be any different? Time will tell. I feel bad for her, too. She’s just being conned like all the rest of us were. He has just gone further with her than the rest of the dupes for whatever reason. He must really see something very strong in her that he wants to break. That is the only thing I can think of.
Louise,
Spaths like Catholics, that is the reason for the attraction to Hispanic women. Due to the Spanish influence, most Hispanics are Catholics.
I heard a spathy guy tell another spathy guy that he loves Hispanic women because they’re loyal to God and family. What he was saying, and I could read between the lines, was that Catholic women are naive and make great dupes.
Louise:
I think I know what type of skin you mean, that type mixture of normal, even dry type and greasy type. It’s sort of my type too.
I have no spots because i’m not very old yet and because i use moisturising wearing in it sunscreen, but i had a rebelious one it took me some time to get rid of.
In this country the weather changes considerably from south to north, and it happens i live in an area in which there are just 3 months per year, in winter, in which the weather is cold, rather grey and just sunny a few hours at midday. Spring and Autumn are softer than Summer but it’s sunny more hours during the day than in Winter.
Yes, of course he will get tired because he’s a psychopath and getting tired of everything is his fate. Let’s hope she’s not very stupid, in fact many of those women are not naive any more, i suppose they’re already too tired of Western predators of all types.
The other subject you mention I think are prejudices, mind barriers and so. The problem, I think, most of us have, i mean all people everywhere not only “us” aware of that outstanding type of predator who is the pure psychopathic type, is that we’re very superficial, we want to fit into the stereotyped casts.
When we come to meet a couple that they love each other truly (and those are veeery few, but one discovers it only when has learned to see through appearances) we tend to think the answer to that mistery is placed in anything known, superficial, external or obvious, but something obvious we just haven’t found yet. But I think that’s not exact and that the “mistery” is that they have connected at a deep level. And that has nothing to do with the cultural prejudices we’ve been raised with.
The thing is that people able to love, that is, who are not looking for anything, not searching to take anything from the other one, are very few. Not only psychopaths are exploitative but most of us are exploitative too (less than p’s though we are, but we don’t realize it easily) and when there’s explotaition there’s fear, codependency and subtle violence.
skylar:
Yep!! I believe you are right about the Catholic thing.
Louise,
I’m Catholic and I went to private schools as a kid. Catholic private schools. I’ve always wondered why my parents would spend money sending us to private schools, when they were always complaining that we were poor and they didn’t spend money on anything else for us — especially not on me — they always said we couldn’t afford all the things I wanted.
Now I understand why they did it. Control. They didn’t like the idea of us associating with kids who might “put ideas into our heads”. They thought that the nuns and priests would continue the “mental control” over us, while we were at school. I imagine that seeing us and all the other children in our uniforms assured them that we were “under control”.
It just goes to show that no matter how poor or broke they were, there was always enough money to finance their need for control.
In the end, the Catholic education didn’t do a thing for their spath son and spath daughter. No amount of religious training can affect people who are afraid to feel and consequently didn’t develop a conscience (a conscience hurts! that’s what it’s supposed to do).
As for myself, I’m glad for the education I did get, but it was too one-sided. I lacked the knowledge or desire to protect myself. I was never taught that I should. What good is scapegoat that defends herself and doesn’t willingly accept responsibility for everyone else?