According to the National Institutes of Mental Health, “anxiety is a normal reaction to stress. It helps one deal with a tense situation in the office, study harder for an exam, keep focused on an important speech. In general, it helps one cope. But when anxiety becomes an excessive, irrational dread of everyday situations, it has become a disabling disorder.” Put another way anxiety is supposed to help us. The parts of the brain that produce feelings of anxiety are similar to the parts of the brain that process pain, another negative emotion. Anxiety and its cousin pain help us by signaling danger and causing us to avoid. Their job is to inhibit behavior. The part of the brain that processes pain and anxiety is called the Behavioral Inhibition System or BIS.
I have observed that anxiety is the single biggest obstacle to recovery from a pathological relationship with a sociopath (psychopath). The aftermath of these relationships leaves a person with terrible anxiety, dread and when anxiety/dread is overwhelming, avoidance sets in. Avoidance coping leads people to withdraw from life and responsibilities and the result is only more anxiety. A vicious cycle sets in where anxiety leads to avoidance, avoidance behaviors get us in trouble, that trouble leads to more anxiety, that anxiety leads to even more avoidance”¦and so on.
Why is a pathological relationship different from all others? Why is the anxiety experienced afterward so profound? I think the roots of the anxiety have to do with 6 things:
1. During the relationship, mind games, undermine a person’s confidence.
2. During the relationship the victim is intentionally isolated from potential sources of support.
3. During the relationship the sociopath/psychopath does things that harm the victim’s relationships with significant people in his/her life.
4. The break-up of any relationship causes anxiety, conflict laden relationships more so.
5. In the aftermath many victims face financial problems.
6. In the aftermath many victims face legal problems.
O.K. , I admit the anxiety is caused by a total destruction of the framework of a person’s life!
I think that our psychological defenses can operate so well that many people underestimate the degree to which anxiety influences their behavior and the level of avoidance coping they engage in. The best indicator of anxiety, in my opinion is this avoidance coping.
Just what is avoidance coping? Avoidance coping means that a person denies or minimizes the seriousness of a situation. He/she uses a self—protective strategy and actively suppresses stressful thoughts. Most importantly, behaviorally speaking avoidance coping means an avoidance of tasks that might in anyway remind us of the stressor and avoidance of doing many of the tasks of life. Since avoidance coping requires so much mental energy, there is not enough left for getting work done. Instead, people tend to get satisfaction through other activities like eating or watching TV.
I got to thinking about avoidance coping this week because I tutor a 15 year old in math and he described his own behavior which is a good example of avoidance coping and its consequences. I hadn’t seen this student for about a year. I worked with him for several years and the last time I saw him he was in 8th grade and was doing very well in that he could solve simple algebra problems. Now in 9th grade, he is failing math so his mother called me. When I tested him, he had regressed. He could not do any of the tasks he could do easily only a year ago.
I asked him what happened. He said, “The things I know I do. When I don’t get something, I don’t want to do it. I get home and feel like I would rather ride my bike, so I do. Then I don’t do my homework.”
The point I want to make to you, is that I worked with him for only an hour and he got a 93 on the next test! Due to this victory, he feels a great deal less like avoiding. So I ask you, are there things you are avoiding that you could actually succeed at if you just stop avoiding? Wouldn’t an A grade at some task that you are avoiding boost your confidence and serve you better than that nagging feeling you are not doing the stuff you are supposed to do.
My student’s mother has some negative words for her son’s motivation. She says he is lazy etc. She just does not understand the degree to which anxiety is producing his dysfunctional behavior. He doesn’t outwardly appear anxious, though inwardly he is. Just that little contact with me reduced his anxiety enough to help him face that which he had been avoiding. Just like my student, even when we don’t appear anxious, our avoidance behaviors often lead to further damage to our already damaged relationships.
If you are avoiding too much, I encourage you to stop avoiding. Confront those tasks that are causing you dread, fear and anxiety. In the end you will feel a lot better. You might get an A grade if you try and not trying always leads to failure-an F. Next week more on anxiety and coping.
I had some form of anxiety thru out the relationship, now that I can look back with a clear head. Because of this anxiety both my oldest child and I did avoid her because we never knew what would set her off. I now know this as “walking on eggshells”. The thing that I now see is that my avoidance was not only of her, but also the many issues that I saw happening between the children, her and me. In short, anxiety was telling me something and how I wish I was listening. This form of anxiety was ready to increase once the relationship ended.
Anxiety was something that I suffered very much from in the beginning (or should I say the end) of my end relationship with my ex-sociopath. I feel that anxiety bring with it; it’s own form of depression. Anyway, when our breakup first happen, I thought that I would be able to (this of course was way, way before I even knew what a sociopath was) just work with her and that we would together (what a joke) make this transition period easier on the children. None of this happens of course which only cause me more anxiety, frustration and my own mild case of insanity. After learning about the many lies, manipulation and lack of concern for the children she left behind. My anxiety increased and deep depression became the norm. Thinking that I could manage my depression was just not a reality for me and I had to be prescribed AD (anti-depressions) Does involvement with a sociopath causes anxiety? Yes it does. Past, present and future…
“If you are avoiding too much, I encourage you to stop avoiding. Confront those tasks that are causing you dread, fear and anxiety. In the end you will feel a lot better. You might get an A grade if you try and not trying always leads to failure-an F. Next week more on anxiety and coping.”
Oh, sorry to say that in this I got the F grade. But I am learning! Great information, Thanks.
Dr L, this is a wonderful topic and one that really hit home with me after my husband’s tragic accidental death and my step-father’s death from cancer shortly afterwards (6 month) during which time he required much care and support.
The “avoidance behavior” went to the extreme with me after this—I just didn’t care if I did anything or not, not even normal household chores, it is amazing that I had enough energy or even cared to feed the dogs, but the floor went unmopped, the dishes unwashed, and some days I forgot to eat (I lost 35 pounds) much less cook. I was aware this was going on, I even talked about it with my son D, but just DIDN’T CARE. I could play solitaire on the computer for 16-20 hours a day…anything to just NOT think. NOT feel. NOT do. I didn’t FEEL much of anything except sadness and guilt that I didn’t even care if the floor was mopped, but no positive coping or recovery during this period, though.
I realize there was a lot of depression in this as well, but even though I had high doses of antidepressants I wasn’t dealing with anything–it was like I was in “hibernation” emotionally, and maybe I was. One physical illness after another (a couple of them very serious infections) added even more stress.
Avoidance of unpleasant task produces Guilt, guilt then made me feel more anxious/depressed, so I did less, which increased the guilt which made me do less, which increased the guilt–ad nauseum. A vicious circle.
This is really true with me. The thing is I rarely feel anxious and all my friends tell me how laid back I am, but it is because when I start to feel that dread about something, I immediately turn it off by distracting myself. I get caught in that vicious cycle but I’m getting better because now I recognize what I do so I can change my behavior.
Now I try to face my anxiety by picturing the worst case scenario and trying to think of what I would do if it happened. Usually the thing I picture in my head is so crazy and unlikely to happen that anything less than that seems doable. Sometimes I even write about what it is I’m dreading and that also makes it seem less scary. Forcing myself to face what I was avoiding really helps me to feel more responsible and less guilty. It’s hard though because I’ve had this habit all my life.
This article is really spot on. It totally explains where this comes from. I was “walking on eggshells” my whole life until a couple years ago. Old habits die hard.
Dear Dr. L.,
I am happy to say that the anxiety has slowly gone away. I went through a period of time about 6 months ago where I felt like everywhere I looked, I saw men with shallow expressions and I felt as if they were predators. I was reading A LOT at LoveFraud at that time and what happened to me was sinking in that much deeper. But, for some reason, this phase has gone away. Thank God for that. I was getting a little weird.
I was not functioning well at all for about 1.5 years after I left Bad Man. That entire time, I did not know that I was having symptoms of PTSD. I feel so dramatic saying that and I hate it but it’s a fact. My life was a wreck and so was I. And I could not stop arguing with the Bad Man in my head. Boy he was a jerk.
I don’t miss him at all and I am not even one ounce deluded about what he was/is anymore. I am FREE from that.
I am dating someone finally.. but it’s a bumpy road for me. I am a babbling idiot and I am always wondering if he really cares about me or am I being exploited somehow. But he seems patient and kind and so I try not to freak out too much out loud. And it is nice to have a big hug. I feel like if he’s too nice, there is something inside me that might crack and ooze out and it might be a gross mess. Hmmm. This reminds me of those early days… I was getting a pedicure and the lady was massaging my feet and I started to cry. After being through such cruelty, any act of tenderness, kindness, goodness would turn me into a puddle of tears.
Well, I am just rambling. Thanks for this topic. I don’t think I have said anything useful but anxiety.. yeah.. had a lot of that. Not so much anymore. YAY!
What I now do when acknowledging my “anxiety” is too stop, validate and find out why I am feeling anxiety. Stress is and always will be a factor in everyday life. I believe that stress is manageable and anxiety understandable. Basically when I start to stress I start to understand the source of that stress then manage it by dealing with whatever it is that is stressing me out. Acknowledging the type of stress like worry frustration or whatever. Give myself a little pep talk and then move on. In short by managing my stress level, I will lower the feeling/emotion of anxiety. I experience anxiety once in awhile now. I still get frustrated which causes me stress but not as often. Unlike when I lived with my ex sociopath, then dear reader’s “anxiety, stress and dread” was just norm for the day. What a different a day makes when this type of person (sociopath) is no longer part of our life!
James: Quote: “What a difference a day makes when this type of person (sociopath) is no longer part of our life.”
AMEN!
On a visit to the UK recently, my sister reminded me of how much anxiety I lived through as child.
A the age of four I lost my left eye and suffered what I now know to be PTSD not only from that but my father dying six months later. For the next 34 years my sister and I suffered psychological torture at the hands of our mother who had NPD. She used to threaten to kill us, put us in a childrens home or run off and leave us. I spent years sitting at the end of my bed watching her bedroom door and listening for sounds of her leaving.
After I married my husband I thought that I had finally escaped. I came to live in SE Asia and even though she still tormented me, I was at least safe with a wonderful, kind man.
Unfortunately, what I did not realise is that because of my background I was such a good target for a psychopath. He cultivated my trust over many years and as he told me once, ” I’ve studied you”. I still suffer agony at how I could have been led into an affair and hurt my family so much but I also understand why people like me are such soft targets. I had major anxiety and insecurity problems plus had been programmed from young that everything was my fault and always trying to please others. Once a psychopath sees those cracks in a person, they drive a sledge hammer through them. The interesting thing is that once I was completely caught in his web of lies, many disturbing memories of my childhood came flooding back. Sub-conciously I suppose I was identifying with the same manipulative behaviour but did not recognise it at the time.
These days I still struggle with anxiety. It comes over me for no apparent reason or from triggers that I am not aware of. I’ve learnt to live with it and can rationalise it . Gradually over the past two years of NC I have come out of the major deptression and isolation. I have started painting/photography again and I can socialise now without too much panic. However difficult, being back in the ‘real’ world does help a lot. If I spend too much time alone I always feel worse so I make myself get out there and carry on living.
Thanks for a great article. Dealing with anxiety is definately one of the worst parts of a relationship with a disordered person.
Swallow
Thank you Free. I am sure if did a survey of people targeted and ensnared by a psychopath you would find that many of them have previously suffered some kind of emotional trauma and abuse when young.
A friend of mine was puzzled that I could be hooked because she assumed that having suffered so much when young I would never let anyone do that to me again. Sadly, it seems to have the opposite effect in the sense that those of us who have received continuous emotional trauma when young often have a much higher tolerance level of abuse and manipulation later in life.
The anxiety of living with a disordered person was once desribed by a councillor to my sister as ” walking along on a lovely summer day and having the overwhelming fear that at any minute a tiger is going to jump out of the anymore, the fear stays with you.
Swallow
Sorry, I’ve missed out bits on the last post
“walking along on a lovely summer day and having the overwhelming fear that at any minute a tiger is going to jump out of the bushes and eat you”. Even though you know the tiger isn’t there anymore, the fear stays with you.
Swallow