According to the National Institutes of Mental Health, “anxiety is a normal reaction to stress. It helps one deal with a tense situation in the office, study harder for an exam, keep focused on an important speech. In general, it helps one cope. But when anxiety becomes an excessive, irrational dread of everyday situations, it has become a disabling disorder.” Put another way anxiety is supposed to help us. The parts of the brain that produce feelings of anxiety are similar to the parts of the brain that process pain, another negative emotion. Anxiety and its cousin pain help us by signaling danger and causing us to avoid. Their job is to inhibit behavior. The part of the brain that processes pain and anxiety is called the Behavioral Inhibition System or BIS.
I have observed that anxiety is the single biggest obstacle to recovery from a pathological relationship with a sociopath (psychopath). The aftermath of these relationships leaves a person with terrible anxiety, dread and when anxiety/dread is overwhelming, avoidance sets in. Avoidance coping leads people to withdraw from life and responsibilities and the result is only more anxiety. A vicious cycle sets in where anxiety leads to avoidance, avoidance behaviors get us in trouble, that trouble leads to more anxiety, that anxiety leads to even more avoidance”¦and so on.
Why is a pathological relationship different from all others? Why is the anxiety experienced afterward so profound? I think the roots of the anxiety have to do with 6 things:
1. During the relationship, mind games, undermine a person’s confidence.
2. During the relationship the victim is intentionally isolated from potential sources of support.
3. During the relationship the sociopath/psychopath does things that harm the victim’s relationships with significant people in his/her life.
4. The break-up of any relationship causes anxiety, conflict laden relationships more so.
5. In the aftermath many victims face financial problems.
6. In the aftermath many victims face legal problems.
O.K. , I admit the anxiety is caused by a total destruction of the framework of a person’s life!
I think that our psychological defenses can operate so well that many people underestimate the degree to which anxiety influences their behavior and the level of avoidance coping they engage in. The best indicator of anxiety, in my opinion is this avoidance coping.
Just what is avoidance coping? Avoidance coping means that a person denies or minimizes the seriousness of a situation. He/she uses a self—protective strategy and actively suppresses stressful thoughts. Most importantly, behaviorally speaking avoidance coping means an avoidance of tasks that might in anyway remind us of the stressor and avoidance of doing many of the tasks of life. Since avoidance coping requires so much mental energy, there is not enough left for getting work done. Instead, people tend to get satisfaction through other activities like eating or watching TV.
I got to thinking about avoidance coping this week because I tutor a 15 year old in math and he described his own behavior which is a good example of avoidance coping and its consequences. I hadn’t seen this student for about a year. I worked with him for several years and the last time I saw him he was in 8th grade and was doing very well in that he could solve simple algebra problems. Now in 9th grade, he is failing math so his mother called me. When I tested him, he had regressed. He could not do any of the tasks he could do easily only a year ago.
I asked him what happened. He said, “The things I know I do. When I don’t get something, I don’t want to do it. I get home and feel like I would rather ride my bike, so I do. Then I don’t do my homework.”
The point I want to make to you, is that I worked with him for only an hour and he got a 93 on the next test! Due to this victory, he feels a great deal less like avoiding. So I ask you, are there things you are avoiding that you could actually succeed at if you just stop avoiding? Wouldn’t an A grade at some task that you are avoiding boost your confidence and serve you better than that nagging feeling you are not doing the stuff you are supposed to do.
My student’s mother has some negative words for her son’s motivation. She says he is lazy etc. She just does not understand the degree to which anxiety is producing his dysfunctional behavior. He doesn’t outwardly appear anxious, though inwardly he is. Just that little contact with me reduced his anxiety enough to help him face that which he had been avoiding. Just like my student, even when we don’t appear anxious, our avoidance behaviors often lead to further damage to our already damaged relationships.
If you are avoiding too much, I encourage you to stop avoiding. Confront those tasks that are causing you dread, fear and anxiety. In the end you will feel a lot better. You might get an A grade if you try and not trying always leads to failure-an F. Next week more on anxiety and coping.
LL – i haven’t read the thread, i only poked my head in to post a bit tonight. I am glad that you are feeling more grounded – whatever gets us out of that whacked with a 2 by 4 mode is a good thing.
my work is very stressful, in so many ways. I am working 7 days a week. I don’t know how i am going to find the ground right now. i don’t know. i can’t work less – i have a a huge project and if i don’t do it – it will in fact fall to bits. it’s the last part of my contract – there is no slowing down or working less….i am feeling more energy from the infrared saunas, which are detoxing the chemicals in my body, and my knees are better, so i am walking more. I am also eating less, but i am having a horrible time with my digestion.
it sounds like you are trying some cognitive therapy on yourself – challenging your own perceptions. this is GOOD! it means you are strong enough to do that. excellent.
safety is a beautiful thing. when you have lost it, finding it again feels a blessing – a simple and profound joy.
skylar and everyone,
I can identify with you so much. Maybe we have the same mother and are twins separated at birth. She is also the fear producing alarmist. She is a retired LPN doctor’s office nurse so I can’t help myself when I ask her medical questions. Usually her answer is some variety of it is my fault, or I eat wrong.
Everything you all have said about anxiety and being stuck I can relate to. I have an anti-anxiety med that I have taken for years. I struggle with agoraphobia but have managed to do some amazing things, like go to divorce court, go to the legislature, make a three minute speech to get my daughter funding to get to a better group home. She is autistic. In other words I have always been able to do what I have to do. Some new doctor or physician’s assistant usually wants to prescribe an SSRI for me also. I refuse. My mother thinks the doctors know best. I say NO!!! I have too much trouble getting used to new meds, plus I have anxiety not depression.
Lately I am proud of myself for finally getting moving in the right direction. I am at least getting started. I have had two visits to the dentist including the hyginist. I told them though that I was going to doctor before I came back to finished the work as I was bleeding so much I wanted to make sure I wasn’t anemic. According to them the bleeding is because of infection but the dentist did ask me if I was on a blood thinner. I am allergic to a multitude of anti-biotics, allergies that I have acquired in recent years. My doctor figured out one thing, I seem to be having possible rebound headaches from taking too much Excedrin. Feeling like a drug attack for trying to get a narcotic type pain med as they took one off of the market, I figured out that the Excedrin works better anyway. She referred me to a Neurologist.
As many years as I have had migraines, Type 2, the less serious type I have never had actual help from the Neurologist. This time I welcome the help although my appointment is not until early March. That way, I can get the dental work finished first. I had noticed in my journals that my wheels have been spinning regarding procrastination on getting to healthcare professionals. I have a dental phobia, but also feel I am rarely listened to when it comes to NO MEDS for this, but can I please have some of this. I am not an addict, but struggling with anxiety, migraines, allergies and mild asthma.
I had mentioned earlier about being afraid of a Neurologist because I didn’t want to end up in an MRI machine. There is a paper back book I started reading recently entittled “The Migraine Brain.” I cannot remember the author but she is a woman neurologist who also gets migraines. My mother went to the pain clinic today for her back and other issues. She is also one who has a bunch of narcotic meds prescribed but would just as soon take Ibuprophin. This time I thought she could identify with me. I told her I had one of those rebound headaches that actually woke me up last night……….well she always has it worse of course, and she NEVER has had a migraine. I reminded her that she told me very recently that she does see those geometric shapes sometimes, that is the visual migraine without pain. In all of the years I suffered with migraine she had never told me that until a couple of years ago. I reminded her, as I am usually made to feel guilty for mine, by her, by spaths in my life, including ex H. I cramp their style and ruin their schedule or agenda….well anyway. I was thinking I am finally getting movtivated to get all of this done considering it is fearful for me to leave the house and actually go to the doctor….. when she has to say “Well they will probably make you have an MRI, and other brain scans…….Plays Psycho Theme LOL….Well maybe they will, but I am at least working on it now. I also have a refefral to a therapist if I want to go. In the meantime, I also need to get an eye exam and some new glasses which are long over due.
Having a relationship with spath brought out some of my co-deoendant tendancies in which if I concentrated on his problems I didn’t have to deal with mine. I am so glad to see this thread. I can definitely identify.
TTS.
P.S. Skylar and others who have this type of mother may benefit from a book I have read recently …..Will I Ever Be Good Enough, Help for daughters raised by Narcissistic Mothers, by Karyl McBride PhD
Ones.
WOW! I don’t know what you do, what your profession is, but that’s ALOT of stress all on its own. Sending good thoughts your way. Will this be over for you soon?
I”m glad that you’re able to find something that helps. At this point, anything helps, but I think if it works for you, even better!
ANything you can do to improve digestion?
Yep, tryin it. Likin it. I wish I could stay in this place forever! Because I like it so much, I’m going to work harder at it. My perceptions have been mired in spathy slime. Can’t recall on the chemistry thread who talked about deprogramming, but I think this may be part of it.
I never give up Onesie. I don’t imagine that anyone in here does.
I guess that’s why we’re all here 🙂
SO blessed to have found this blog!
Take care of yourself Onesie
Nite nite, Chica!
🙂
you are right – if we are here, we are not giving up!
what a nice thought to go to bed with!
TTS,
there are bottles of SSRIs in my medicine cabinet. Until the world understands that anxiety is caused by being a prey to a predator and subconsciously aware of it, they won’t be able to help us. I could write a book about it. but for now, I will tell you one thing: my exP was always talking about having panic anxiety disorder. He saw a woman named Lucinda Bassett on a TV infomercial who had conquered her panic anxiety disorder. he said he had it. and he said I had it too. He ordered the books and tapes and all the self help workbooks. Except, at the time, I did not feel I had it. If I had any stress, it was stress I was ADDICTED TO. I liked my stress. It got me high. But he was so stressed that he wouldn’t get on a ferry to save a 2 hour drive, he acted out of control. No longer sure if it was an act. I’ve met a man who told me that he suffered severe panic anxiety from keeping a secret about his sexual orientation from his wife, sons and family. Whatever the case, SPATH tried to convince me that he and I both suffered from it. But of course, the point was to control me and get me to commit suicide so…..
My point is, yes, we do have anxiety but it’s caused from knowing that there are predators in our lives. SSRI’s can help, if we can’t get rid of the predator.
Thanks for bringing this one up – I missed it somehow in the archives … so agree with the anxiety response – it’s hard to confront things that have to be done and irrational dread is a good description of what the feeling is. I’ve watched myself try to negotiate with myself to finish up the house, pack up and move on and because of course any action reminds me of the relationship and the trauma, I find myself unable to muster the energy to do the things that need doing in order to move on.
It’s incredibly frustrating. And when I do take a small step towards progress, it is so hard to fight the thoughts that try to stop me doing it. It’s a stuckness. And general lack of energy and motivation.
On the upside, I did take several steps today in the right direction and am hoping they pay off.
Thanks once again for this succinct explanation of the phenomenon of being ‘on alert’ afterwards and having dread and fear as prominent parts of life.
skylar, that was really well articulated! I agree with you.
skylar said “My point is, yes, we do have anxiety but it’s caused from knowing that there are predators in our lives.”
It’s like, our bodies, our feelings, our SOULS are aware that there is something toxic in our environment and it’s trying to alert us. But we think, oh we must have an anxiety disorder! ( If we haven’t wised up to the S/N/P at that point ) and rush to the Doc for a diagnosis and a fix me up. Which. Doesn’t. Solve. Anything… it makes me feel good in retrospect, knowing that my body has such mechanisms to alert me of danger- that I should interpret as danger… ( of course PTSD then is the kind of “reverberation” of that fear… )
I haven’t read the posts yet here…just the article.
Okay…this is what I think and found to work.
Anxiety is FEAR. That is all it is!
When I learned this, I asked myself…What are you afraid of???
I wrote it down.
I think that meds will help with the SYMPTOMS of anxiety…the trembling inside…the panic of not being able to focus, and temporarily calm you down.
But, thats it. I took ONE old xanax throughout all of this. It was the day that I was SO afraid that my xhusb would leave the state and I’d get no child support. That morning..after waking up shaking…I dug into my old cabinet..took the pill..calmed down enough to take action. I drove up to his town and found him and sent the police there to get him locked up. It worked…I got my 8500.00 in four days..then the sociopath left for Florida…and now owes me 21k!!!
Anyway, my point is that if you take meds to calm you down so that you can take action…then its ok. But, its not going to solve the problem long term. The only way to get over the anxiety is to go THROUGH it….with a therapist, friend..etc…
You have to process and understand the whole mess. He/She, YOU…and what happenned .
Byron Katie was the biggest help in overcoming the anxiety. If you log onto her site…she teaches you how to do it.
Her book, Loving What Is…..is my Bible.
She helps you to explore what you are saying to yourself…your thoughts. Then you go through the process….and the thoughts leave. When they leave…your anxiety goes away.
I would recommend getting her book….after you process and figure out some things.
Anyway, thats what I did to get rid of the anxiety…and still do.
Hope this helps.
I started getting what I now know as agoraphobia when my first husband was overseas and my 18 month old daughter and myself lived with my parents at my dad’s suggestion. Knowing what I know now I would have got an apartment. I was so shut down emotionally because of living in the Pastor’s parsonage (dad was a pastor) and my mother I now know was probably BPD the hermit type (fear invoking) or Narcissistic. I learned later from a few sessions with a therapist that suppressed emotions can cause panic attacks. When I say agoraphobia, the panic attacks actually grew into that.
When my daughter was later diagnosed with Autism I was forced to take her 30 miles on a canyon road to get to the University Town that had her “school”. I started taking classes and also served as a “ginny pig” for the Psychology Graduate students to practice teaching relaxation techniques. At this time, I thought I had a fear of driving. This could be such a long story, but let me just say this. I had two of my worst panic attacks when with my mother in recent years. I was directing her how to get to a shopping center as she was driving us to do some Christmas shopping and the other one was at the Thanksgiving Dinner Table at her house. These were the kind that started out as heart palpitatons including dizzyness and my face would get red. My mother blamed it on “the change”. Considering that I have left menopause in the dust now, I know that isn’t the case. My mother caused me to suppress my emotions.
I have had two husbands, the first one was at least NPD maybe spath. My second husband broadsided me with an unwanted divorce after 25 years of marriage. I am now reading the Mary Jo Buttafuoco book, and I see a lot of similarities between her husband and mine.
I agree with what you have all said, medications helps us to cope if the medication works, but walking through it and realizing what we have been through and survived is what really helps.
I have what I call an Atta Girl journal. When I start getting stuck I write down things that I have accomplished on any given day. It started out with things like changing a light bulb. I am talking about the difficult kind that were out of reach before, or hooking up a hose after dragging it from the garage. I was 59/60ish when I got the second divorce. My x H is still working as he is younger than me. I really don’t know what he hoped I would do, but I have survived beyond what he expected. He is the one who put us in no contact, and I believe he did me a huge favor.
TTS
WOW! Thanks to all for posting!! It’s anxiety!!!! I knew IT!! It’s not depression, I battled the depression on my own. After being killed by the xspath I don’t think I can fight the anxiety also on my own. I hope this new doc listens to me, I don’t have enough of me left to keep going from Doc to Doc. These Docs should give you a 15 minute phone interview before you go to them so you can find out if you need to move on before you waste your time and money going to them.(money is the clue here, I have health insurance,all they see is $$$). Only to have to wait for another appointment with somebody else and so on. While your anxiety level gets higher and you get wrapped so tight you can’t see straight an stay stuck in the avoidance coping and jyst want the HELL out of it. ARGGGG! I hope she can help me. I hope I can make myself go. If I had that 15 min interview I would feel better about going. Any suggestions from the proffessionals here?
soimnotthecrazee1!!