According to the National Institutes of Mental Health, “anxiety is a normal reaction to stress. It helps one deal with a tense situation in the office, study harder for an exam, keep focused on an important speech. In general, it helps one cope. But when anxiety becomes an excessive, irrational dread of everyday situations, it has become a disabling disorder.” Put another way anxiety is supposed to help us. The parts of the brain that produce feelings of anxiety are similar to the parts of the brain that process pain, another negative emotion. Anxiety and its cousin pain help us by signaling danger and causing us to avoid. Their job is to inhibit behavior. The part of the brain that processes pain and anxiety is called the Behavioral Inhibition System or BIS.
I have observed that anxiety is the single biggest obstacle to recovery from a pathological relationship with a sociopath (psychopath). The aftermath of these relationships leaves a person with terrible anxiety, dread and when anxiety/dread is overwhelming, avoidance sets in. Avoidance coping leads people to withdraw from life and responsibilities and the result is only more anxiety. A vicious cycle sets in where anxiety leads to avoidance, avoidance behaviors get us in trouble, that trouble leads to more anxiety, that anxiety leads to even more avoidance”¦and so on.
Why is a pathological relationship different from all others? Why is the anxiety experienced afterward so profound? I think the roots of the anxiety have to do with 6 things:
1. During the relationship, mind games, undermine a person’s confidence.
2. During the relationship the victim is intentionally isolated from potential sources of support.
3. During the relationship the sociopath/psychopath does things that harm the victim’s relationships with significant people in his/her life.
4. The break-up of any relationship causes anxiety, conflict laden relationships more so.
5. In the aftermath many victims face financial problems.
6. In the aftermath many victims face legal problems.
O.K. , I admit the anxiety is caused by a total destruction of the framework of a person’s life!
I think that our psychological defenses can operate so well that many people underestimate the degree to which anxiety influences their behavior and the level of avoidance coping they engage in. The best indicator of anxiety, in my opinion is this avoidance coping.
Just what is avoidance coping? Avoidance coping means that a person denies or minimizes the seriousness of a situation. He/she uses a self—protective strategy and actively suppresses stressful thoughts. Most importantly, behaviorally speaking avoidance coping means an avoidance of tasks that might in anyway remind us of the stressor and avoidance of doing many of the tasks of life. Since avoidance coping requires so much mental energy, there is not enough left for getting work done. Instead, people tend to get satisfaction through other activities like eating or watching TV.
I got to thinking about avoidance coping this week because I tutor a 15 year old in math and he described his own behavior which is a good example of avoidance coping and its consequences. I hadn’t seen this student for about a year. I worked with him for several years and the last time I saw him he was in 8th grade and was doing very well in that he could solve simple algebra problems. Now in 9th grade, he is failing math so his mother called me. When I tested him, he had regressed. He could not do any of the tasks he could do easily only a year ago.
I asked him what happened. He said, “The things I know I do. When I don’t get something, I don’t want to do it. I get home and feel like I would rather ride my bike, so I do. Then I don’t do my homework.”
The point I want to make to you, is that I worked with him for only an hour and he got a 93 on the next test! Due to this victory, he feels a great deal less like avoiding. So I ask you, are there things you are avoiding that you could actually succeed at if you just stop avoiding? Wouldn’t an A grade at some task that you are avoiding boost your confidence and serve you better than that nagging feeling you are not doing the stuff you are supposed to do.
My student’s mother has some negative words for her son’s motivation. She says he is lazy etc. She just does not understand the degree to which anxiety is producing his dysfunctional behavior. He doesn’t outwardly appear anxious, though inwardly he is. Just that little contact with me reduced his anxiety enough to help him face that which he had been avoiding. Just like my student, even when we don’t appear anxious, our avoidance behaviors often lead to further damage to our already damaged relationships.
If you are avoiding too much, I encourage you to stop avoiding. Confront those tasks that are causing you dread, fear and anxiety. In the end you will feel a lot better. You might get an A grade if you try and not trying always leads to failure-an F. Next week more on anxiety and coping.
2BHappy,
“FEAR” is being “afraid” of something you Can SEE or hear or know about. Seeing a snake and being AFRAID of snakes.
“Anxiety” is thinking there MIGHT5 BE SOMETHING TO FEAR….thinking there MIGHT BE A SNAKE IN THE GRASS and feeling anxious.
If any of that makes any sense.
So fear and anxiety are not exactly the same thing.
Anxiety can lead to fear or fear can lead to anxiety…but neither of them long term are good for us. The “Hyper vigilence” that we experiencee when we have been injured especiallly when it comes at us from “out of the blue” is a form of anxiety seen in abused animals as well. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the next injury. That stress level takes a toll on us, but is the normal response to fear and anxiety. We have to work hard to overcome that level of stress and it isn’t easy, but it is worthwhile. We must make ourselves feel “safe” in order to decrease that stress.
soimnotthecrazee1
I am not an expert but I believe I know what you are dealing with regarding doctors. If you are experiencing a high amount of anxiety or depression, keep the appointment and take the medicine if you need it.
After that then work on trying to find a good therapist or doctor who will actually listen to you. The thing that makes me so angry about regular family practice doctors and insurance is they will convince you that you need the colonoscopy now or anything else that your insurance will pay for when what you may actually need is a chest ex ray. I am just using that as an example.
In dealing with anxiety, migraines, and the need to lose weight I can get along with a family doctor or physician’s assistant but as soon as one quits and I get another, they want to change my medication.
Your best bet, and mine also is to find the specialist that specializes in what you need now. If it is anxiety, put out the fire and then talk. If it is depression, you have to be able to get out of bed to function. Right. One thing I noticed about this thread was that “being stuck” or indecision seems to be where I have been lately. I am just now getting moving as far as dental work, and dealing with migraines, but today I can’t seem to get my laundry done. I am on the computer and reading a book, but feeling guilty about it.
There probably has to be a balance in our case in being good to ourselves by just letter ourselves have a day off to do nothing, and then get out there and accomplish one thing at a time.
My advice to you is to keep the appointment and at least hear them out. It is your body, but you need their help.
Best to you,
TTS
Hey Oxy….
Well, I wrote that post really quickly this morning.
What I mean is that all anxiety stems from fear of SOMETHING…..something that might happen.
The only time I have ever felt anxiety, was because I was afraid of something that might happen. So, when I feel anxiety, I ask myself…what am I afraid of? And, the answer comes to surface.
Last summer, when I was sufferring from “anxiety” or PTSD, after my first breakup with the xbf and leaving my job..etc..,
I analyzed what I was “thinking” when I felt the anxiety. What was my last thought….what was I telling myself???
I was telling myself “omg, I’m going to be alone forever”.
Now, I used Byron Katies technique…and asked myself…
“Is THAT true?” and I realized that it was NOT true. Just because I was in a toxic r/s with him, does not indicate that my future is doomed!
When I felt anxiety on my 40 mile trip to work one morning…I used Byron Katies method again. I asked myself what the last thought was …I was telling myself..”I can’t do this anymore”. Then I asked myself if it was true. It isn’t true…I’ve done it for 5 yrs and I can do it again!
I found that Byron Katies “the work” helped me.
What we say to OURSELVES is so important.
We are here to feel JOY and PEACE and HAPPINESS.
If we aren’t…then it means our thoughts are messed up and so when I feel anything BUT peace, joy, happiness…I ANALYZE what I am saying to myself.
I actually STOP what I am doing…and write down the last thought.
You cannot have a feeling without a thought. So, after I analyze my thought….it leaves me.
Why??/ Because 99.0-9% of the time…the thought is a lie we are telling ourselves..its a subconscious thought from PAST programming!!!!
This isn’t easy to explain…but really….if we change our perspective on things..which takes time…we need to calm down first….get through the shock…process the situation…
But, once calm enough…if we work on changing our thinking…, controlling our chatterbox minds….(as Shock was saying…living in the present..not stressing about the past or worrying about the future..)…then, somehow..we feel peaceful. And, the more we do it…the better it feels.
Anyway…this happens after we get over the shock…vent our anger and sadness….and then we are ready to move on. Not at the initial stages of confusion, anger , sadness, shock.
When you feel anxiety…try asking yourself..”what am I thinking about? what am I afraid of?”…….
TTS,
You so understand! Thank you!
I don’t want a bunch of crap I don’t need!!
I don’t want depression/ssri med’s. I need anxiety med’s. My anxiety causes that “avoidance coping” NOT depression. Which has the appearance of depression. I don’t need something that numbs my brain to what is going on. So that I am living on a chemical high. I need something that actually calms my nerves!!! So that I can loosen up and understand what my brain feels. I hope that makes sense. OMG…. I hope I can get through to this doc.
soimnotthecrazee1!
2B.
my xspath caused this severe anxiety to be triggered. I had no paycheck, no health insurance and one hell of a POS home because of and with him. So yes… anxiety!!
I had it all before I left it behind to be with him! nice home, nice career and all the security that came with it. I’ll never get it all back if I don’t quit living with “avoidance” anxiety.
No I don’t sucomb to playing mind games with my body. If my body feels cold… then damn it I am cold. I don’t say Ok mind tell body you are not cold!!! POOF!! No…I am cold!! Turn on the heat! If I am hungry my mind doesn’t tell my growling empty stomach that it isn’t hungry. No… I eat! You have to understand that was part of my xpsth’s gaslighting he did to me. OH>>> I wasn’t cold!!, I wasn’t hungry. I wasn’t hot, I wasn’t…… I wasn’t …. I wasn’t!!! BULLSHIAT!! I had everything in balance before he threw the monkey wrench in my life system. I knew what I was and wasn’t!!!, What I needed and what I didn’t but because he was too cheap to take “proper” care of me for his own selfish immature hobbies, I was left telling mysself his mind games!! LOLOLOLOL!
Yes the mind can help you after you have gotten a grip of your life once again after it being destroyed!
soimnotthecrazee1!
Soimnot…..
Its really not “mind games”. The mind controls the body. You cannot separate the two. Thats why we cry..or get chills…
What is “avoidance anxiety”?
Soimnot…
I’m also sorry about the situation you are in. My Xhusb left me penniless with 3 babies…no credit card…unpaid bills. I was where you are. I felt responsible…for bringing 3 children into the world with a man who I “sensed” wasn’t right.
So, I was angry, hurt, numb at first. I took action to get my life back together. I did what I had to do…checked out shelters…got food stamps…etc.. We survived and I got my life back together. I bought a house eventually, and got a job. I had to thrive if my children and I were to survive. It was the hardest year of my life..and I was scared.
All my friends blamed the whole mess on the sociopath I married. Spmehow..I felt responsible for making a poor choice in a husband/father…rushing into it..etc. Not that I was BLAMING what HE did on myself. I just took responsibiltiy in MY part…or choosing the wrong man. And, I felt that I had to dig my way out.
I’m leaving out a lot of details…of how he used MY money to build up a business I got no part of after the divorce….Of how he took MY car which I owned before we married…(jaguar!)..and totalled it.. Of how he used MY pension loan money and I never got it back.
He left me with NOTHING but our chldren to take care of. But, I was the young and dumb one to trust him and to hand over my money so easily…live and learn.
Well, it took time, but I weathered the storm..lots of blood sweat, and tears..and support from good people.
I was happy to get out alive…I was grateful for not getting “sick”….from stress. And, thats all that mattered.
So, you WILL get a grip of your life again…if you are healthy and don’t have a major illness…you are NOT destroyed.
I know my “deprogramming” methods are not possible to comprehend now…but, all during that year…I kept telling myself that “God takes care of fools and children” and I never felt alone. I KNEW that if I did the right thing…there was light at the end of the tunnel.
I tried to conquer my fears of being alone, and finding a way to support my children… and starting a new life. If I didn’t constantly think “You can do it”….and not kept positive…I would have failed. I remembered a quote…
“If you THINK you can, you can. If you THINK you can’t , ..you can’t . Either way, your’e right!”
So, I thought I could get through the worst time in my life.
And I was right. I’m alive.
2b,
Avoidance coping is in the article posted above that started this thread, You should read it. So you might understand more what people are posting about here in reference to anxiety.
soimnotthecrazee1!
Soimnot….
Ok, I understand now. Just read it.
I do understand what we all experience in reference to anxiety. I don’t know if you are aware of my story…I went through this the summer of 2009, when I found LF.
I couldn’t even do what I had to do…pay bills, cook meals..etc. Luckily, my children understood what I was feeling. I told them I had PTSD.
I went with it and “pampered” myself. I told myself that it was ok to feel depressed, nervous, unmotivated, numb. I sat on my deck…staring at the lake…reading all I could about sociopaths and r/s with them…talking to my friends who understood..smoking…and just doing nothing else. Barely eating.
Been there, done that.
It was when I got into my spirituality…and self-help things that I started to stop the “avoidance coping” as they call it. I think its a normal stage we go through. I journalled every single day…sometimes every single hour. I still have those journals.
When I was ready…I ventured out…little by little …baby steps. I am just sharing what worked for me. We all heal at different rates.
I ended up back with him for 5 months and then had a relapse. Many posters here know about that one. I was back to square one…spent another 2 months processing it…same pattern.
Five months later, I answered his text and we got together as friends . From July until Jan….I felt anxiety being in touch with him…and realized…its just not worth it…waste of time…
I value myself more than to settle for someone who is selfish, lies, is secretive …and who isn’t capable of real true love because he never got it as a child.
I understand what the stages of leaving a sociopath are. I went through it several times in my life…since I’ve always been attracted to them! I finally learned that I need to work on ME so that I don’t relive my early conflicts over and over and go through it again.
2B,
Thanks for understanding!