According to the National Institutes of Mental Health, “anxiety is a normal reaction to stress. It helps one deal with a tense situation in the office, study harder for an exam, keep focused on an important speech. In general, it helps one cope. But when anxiety becomes an excessive, irrational dread of everyday situations, it has become a disabling disorder.” Put another way anxiety is supposed to help us. The parts of the brain that produce feelings of anxiety are similar to the parts of the brain that process pain, another negative emotion. Anxiety and its cousin pain help us by signaling danger and causing us to avoid. Their job is to inhibit behavior. The part of the brain that processes pain and anxiety is called the Behavioral Inhibition System or BIS.
I have observed that anxiety is the single biggest obstacle to recovery from a pathological relationship with a sociopath (psychopath). The aftermath of these relationships leaves a person with terrible anxiety, dread and when anxiety/dread is overwhelming, avoidance sets in. Avoidance coping leads people to withdraw from life and responsibilities and the result is only more anxiety. A vicious cycle sets in where anxiety leads to avoidance, avoidance behaviors get us in trouble, that trouble leads to more anxiety, that anxiety leads to even more avoidance”¦and so on.
Why is a pathological relationship different from all others? Why is the anxiety experienced afterward so profound? I think the roots of the anxiety have to do with 6 things:
1. During the relationship, mind games, undermine a person’s confidence.
2. During the relationship the victim is intentionally isolated from potential sources of support.
3. During the relationship the sociopath/psychopath does things that harm the victim’s relationships with significant people in his/her life.
4. The break-up of any relationship causes anxiety, conflict laden relationships more so.
5. In the aftermath many victims face financial problems.
6. In the aftermath many victims face legal problems.
O.K. , I admit the anxiety is caused by a total destruction of the framework of a person’s life!
I think that our psychological defenses can operate so well that many people underestimate the degree to which anxiety influences their behavior and the level of avoidance coping they engage in. The best indicator of anxiety, in my opinion is this avoidance coping.
Just what is avoidance coping? Avoidance coping means that a person denies or minimizes the seriousness of a situation. He/she uses a self—protective strategy and actively suppresses stressful thoughts. Most importantly, behaviorally speaking avoidance coping means an avoidance of tasks that might in anyway remind us of the stressor and avoidance of doing many of the tasks of life. Since avoidance coping requires so much mental energy, there is not enough left for getting work done. Instead, people tend to get satisfaction through other activities like eating or watching TV.
I got to thinking about avoidance coping this week because I tutor a 15 year old in math and he described his own behavior which is a good example of avoidance coping and its consequences. I hadn’t seen this student for about a year. I worked with him for several years and the last time I saw him he was in 8th grade and was doing very well in that he could solve simple algebra problems. Now in 9th grade, he is failing math so his mother called me. When I tested him, he had regressed. He could not do any of the tasks he could do easily only a year ago.
I asked him what happened. He said, “The things I know I do. When I don’t get something, I don’t want to do it. I get home and feel like I would rather ride my bike, so I do. Then I don’t do my homework.”
The point I want to make to you, is that I worked with him for only an hour and he got a 93 on the next test! Due to this victory, he feels a great deal less like avoiding. So I ask you, are there things you are avoiding that you could actually succeed at if you just stop avoiding? Wouldn’t an A grade at some task that you are avoiding boost your confidence and serve you better than that nagging feeling you are not doing the stuff you are supposed to do.
My student’s mother has some negative words for her son’s motivation. She says he is lazy etc. She just does not understand the degree to which anxiety is producing his dysfunctional behavior. He doesn’t outwardly appear anxious, though inwardly he is. Just that little contact with me reduced his anxiety enough to help him face that which he had been avoiding. Just like my student, even when we don’t appear anxious, our avoidance behaviors often lead to further damage to our already damaged relationships.
If you are avoiding too much, I encourage you to stop avoiding. Confront those tasks that are causing you dread, fear and anxiety. In the end you will feel a lot better. You might get an A grade if you try and not trying always leads to failure-an F. Next week more on anxiety and coping.
Ox,
I really enjoy it when your posts are filled with biblical stories.
It’s heartening to me in a lot of ways.
But I have a question for you. I’m sure you’ve heard this before, so nothing new there, but I was wondering how you can make what seems selfish biblically correct? When Jesus said to love others as you love yourself, my first thought it to treat others the way you wish to be treated. Got that, but what about kindness towards others, helping other people? How do you do that without compromising yourself? Because guess what, everyone has issues, even if they AREN”T spathy, but they are in NEED, how do you make it okay from your perspective to love and care for others, and want to do that for “troubled” others IE: The homeless, the widowed, the downtrodden, without compromising something of yourself?
LL
Ox: I thought of Absalom too and how he must have felt. There have been several times when I thought my older daughter wanted me dead. She’s scary sometimes at what she says. When she gets it in for someone, she wants to physically jump on them and talks about how she doesn’t care if they just drop dead. And this includes her younger sister. Especially, if it’s female, she fires with extreme jealousy. I’ve had her in her teens to physically jump on me. When all that went down with my younger daughter at that club, I thought she was going to jump on my younger daughter while she was holding her little girl. I put my foot down on that right then and there. I don’t like to argue, I prefer peace, but when I’ve had enough, I can stand my ground and state my case, no matter who I’m up against. This behavior from a 40 year old professional executive!
TB, from trying to understand about bullying, in all of it’s forms, starting from serial killers who target women, to kids in the school yard, to entire countries attacking their neighbors, I noticed that bullys will target someone they think they are safe from -someone who can’t fight back. Rene Girard describes the primitive practice of scapegoating partly as satisfying a need for revenge without the danger of escalated violence. In some societies, when one man kills another, he can be “punished” by having his sister raped by the tribe of the man he killed. Sounds real fair huh? Sister can’t fight back. She usually just kills herself afterward.
So I’ve been thinking long and hard about this as well as why people, spath and non-spath will hurt the most innocent people in their lives. Or sometimes, it appears that they begin to hurt you the moment they know that you love them. I have lots of examples of this, including a woman who told me that she knew of a little 10 y.o. girl who rages out of control toward anyone that she knows loves her. She is controlling toward her friends and vicious toward her caretakers.
My conclusion is that many people are walking around with angry wounds and feelings of helpless rage toward past hurts and they are afraid that they are powerless to protect themselves. But when they meet someone who loves them, they know that they are safe to lash out and not get hurt.
I speak from my own shameful experience, too. I have one good sister, my oldest sister. As a child I recall hitting her in a rage at least once, but knowing that she wasn’t the cause. But I also knew that I hit her because she would never hurt me even as I was doing it.
TB, you have shown your daughters unconditional love and a willingness to be a peacemaker. But they are wounded somehow and have rage issues. As long as they see you as a helpless victim who won’t stand her ground, they will attack, manipulate and feed on your emotions. It makes them feel better. It sounds like when you put your foot down it worked. Maybe that should be your stance from now on. And you could also tell your daughters that whatever rage issues they have, you will not accept or absorb them. They will need to look inside themselves for whatever makes them afraid and face it like a grown up.
Dear LL and TB, I agree with Sky, TB you need to set some boundaries with them rather than trying to placate their demands.
LL, “love” (as I understand it) in that context is meant as an ACTION VERB not a “gushy feeling.” Also, we should treat other people well, I agree with that, but we should also treat ourselves well as well. That I think is what I have been guilty of, most guilty of, and that is not treating myself well.
I can’t find any place in the Bible that anyone, even Jesus, advises us to be stoooopid and allow others to abuse us. He even counseled his disciples that if people or a town wouldn’t listen to them to LEAVE IT. We are to treat others fairly, but I don’t think that means we should treat ourselves UN fairly.
The Bible also says “live in peace with others as much as it is possible” (or up to you) paraphrased. Both Jesus and Paul advocated “no contact” when you have done all you can to make peace with someone who has wronged you, first going privately, then with witnesses, then to the church (community) if the person continues in their bad (sinful) behavior, then treat them like a heathen NOT EVEN TO EAT WITH THEM. If that’s not NO contact, I don’t know what is. Some fundamental groups actually “shun” a member who lives outside their precepts and refuses to repent. It’s a very effective way to either change someone’s behavior or to get them out of the group, NO contact.
Cults also use this tactic because it is effective, and that is what we are doing with NO contact as well. “Shunning” them turning them OFF. Proverbs says “evil companions corrupt good morals” so we try to get our kids to associate with other good kids. Makes sense, and frankly, the bad behavior seems to rub off more easily on others than good behavior does.
I don’t want to associate with people who behave badly, and I have set boundaries and limits for those that were close to me that I cared about, friends and family, if they are unwilling to treat me with the respect I deserve I don’t need to be around them. Friends OR FAMILY MEMBERS.
I realize when you set a boundary to someone who has abused you on a regular basis those people will be 1) surprised and 2) try to maintain the STATUS QUO by testing that boundary to see what your response is. You also must be willing to stand your ground and let the relationship go when you set that boundary.
It is like saying to your spouse, “John I love you and I am willing to start our relationship over, but if you cheat on me again, that is the END of it.”
OKay, if you catch John cheating again, what do you do? Do you give him another chance or do you tell him to move his sorry cheating ass out?
If you say to your adult kid, “Sue, I love you but I do not appreciate being talked to in that tone of voice, I’m leaving now, and when you think you can speak to me in a respectful way, you know my phone number.” Then LEAVE.
If she calls you and starts in “mouthing” simply say, “Sue, I love you but I refuse to argue this with you, when you can speak to me in a respectful way, call me back.”
Don’t argue with them, don’t defend yourself with them, if they value your company or love you, they will begin to respect your boundaries. If they don’t, what have you lost? Have you lost the pain of being spoken to like a “yard dog” by your children? Have you lost the embarrassment of being treated poorly in public? Well, if someone isn’t going to treat me fairly, respectfully and well, I don’t need them in my life. Period.
sky: That is very interesting on bullying. How strange human nature can be…….
Ox and sky: I can put my foot down and when I do, everyone runs for cover, because I take nothing at that point. I am reasonable, but will tolerate no more. I am sloooooooooow to anger and will not fire up easily or speak out totally, unless it violates my morals or beliefs and then I am fully charged and capable of doing so. My kids know this and push me to the limit. And they are very cunning, manipulative, covert and use any means available to win [including my GD]. I am no match for their deceit. Boundaries were set and kept till they grew up and left on their own. They married spouses that yielded to them, ran over teachers in college if they didn’t give in to their demands and are in executive positions of authority [including my son] where they give the orders. My personal boundaries of respect I do receive from my son to a degree, far more than my daughters. These two girls are absolute witches to me in one way and then loving in another. I cannot deal with the dual personalities and the manipulative head games and drama. Both will speak hard to me till I slam my foot down hard and will not budge=reached my limit. But, I have to realllllly get my fill to reach that limit. It’s just my personality because once I get there-I move and make a decision with action. Same with my X’s. Took me YEARS to finally see my PX was incapable and unwilling to change. He ENJOYS wickedness and cruelty. [It scares me to see my girls seemingly getting the same pleasure from others’ anguish. Especially their mother’s. Very sad for me to see that evil in them. Heartbreaking.] But, once I came full head into that realization-I made a plan and executed it to the fullest to leave my X. I do not turn back once I have reached that position. Just my nature. I cannot override that. It’s just less painful and easier to keep my distance from my kids and their vicious head games. My way of coping the best I can with who I am.
Ox,
I do understand what you’re saying.
having been through what you have, I get it.
But I wonder, is it empathy that is the determining factor?
Someone can do you wrong. But if they’re genuine remorseful, they deserve a second chance. If they fuck me over again after, they don’t.
Implementing this into my spirituality is very VERY difficult, particularly after ex POS who has a degree in theology and a license to marry and bury…….did what he did to me, to his wife, to his congregation to his children and what he continues to do………how can one not say that this man is very VERY ill, Ox? When someone comes to me and says,simply, “I’m so very sorry I hurt you. I was doing x and or y and I understand how this hurt you”……and then SHOWS that in action, should they not be given the benefit of doubt, even if they lied to me ONCE under whatever circumstance, were confronted and actually MAKE AN EFFORT IN ACTION to show me this?
I want to share this with you, Ox, as a simple example. My son was a juvenile sex offender. I threw him into treatment, when I found out (due to the reality that his therapist told me there may be further disclosures as time went on and to be prepared), that he had molested my second son..I had to throw him into the juvenile justice system. The pain of that time, even now, was unreal….the night before he went to court, thus off to prison, I laid in his bed and told him how much I loved him, how much this has hurt me, but that he was my son and although I didn’t understand what he was doing and why I would support him through it all…PROVIDING he was willing to get well……and in the meantime while saying goodbye to my son, my other son was in pain too………so when I had to go to court the next day to relinquish my parental rights to my eldest son to the state because of what he did, I had to go home and comfort my son, the one he victimized, because HIS world was falling apart…..he was my issue then….a loving embrace in a world of his pain……while mine was falling apart all over the place….and spath was there………I think this is partly why I have such trouble letting go………he was there when no one else was……he knew EVERYTHING that was going on……only to exploit it later, Ox, it is the DEEPEST pain I’ve ever known, on so many levels for so many different reasons….but I stayed strong….for both of my son’s….and they didn’t reconcile until this last September and even that was joyous beyond words, but also heartbreaking for all it has been. They held onto each other like I’ve never seen two children hang on and have been extremely close since, but in a MUCH healthier way…we did a clarification and it was nothing less than beautiful………
I am so so so so blessed. But am in so much pain too…because through all of that trauma, exPOS was there (or at least pretended to be) so part of the letting go process here, is that he knew the deepest parts of my pain and sorrow…and I feel completely betrayed…….not because he wanted to sleep with other women and probably did (even if I don’t have “proof”) but because he saw all that it was. VEry few know my son was a sex offender and all the pain that it was. But he does. And he was there for me. HE WAS THERE FOR ME……….so this level of betrayal is far more painful, the level of it all, so much more…….
I can’t explain it.
He takes with him something of my family that is embarrassing, humiliating, excrutiatingly painful.
So in that light, I guess I’m okay that I was the mistress, but devastated all over the place anyway….because telling a new love bomb that you fucked someone for nine years while married to someone else doesn’t look so good does it? I’m a source of shame. The reality of my life, what has happened, amplifies all of that.
Yet I remained blessed. Because in so many ways my family has been healed.
But my pain is not. It is amplified………because he carries those secrets of my pain, my heart, with him………
Where no one else did at the time. The bonding isn’t just the sex, it’s also emotional.
And to realize that those things are exploited is a pain that is beyond bearing.
He knows.
ANd I look and feel like a piece of shit having shared it.
I’m venting. I know what it all is. There isn’t a therapist on the planet that can fix that. It is what it is. It was what it was. During a time of deep crisis and pain, he pretended to be there for me when everyone else deserted me because of my son’s actions, thus strengthening my bond to him……..
He carries that to love bomb, to current gf…………..
And with all of that intimacy, it was exploited. Fully.
So if he does talk about me, well………..I’m the mother of a “sex offender” what images does that conjure up in your mind or the minds of others here?
He knows that. And that deep, emotional pain is his most lethal weapon when he pretended to tell no one. Never to exploit it.
But he will and has.
And it is the deepest of pain for me.
LL
It damaged my spirituality to a certain extent.
Dear LL,
Of course if someone shows GENUINE REMORSE and does their best to make retribution, accept the consequencces and responsibility for deliberately or accidentally hurting you, but when the person has NO REMORSE, NO ACCOUNTABILITY, NO RESPONSIBILITY, AND CONTINUES TO DO THE SAME BEHAVIOR—remember what Jesus said “by its fruit ye shall know” The FRUIT (behavior) of a tree/person shows what they really are.
My son C had no remorse about the lie he told me or about telling lies to others about me….he had no remorse about breaking his contract about living in my home….and I realized he had lied many times before and would then “be a good boy” for a while then start with the lying and deception, the blame placing etc. He is NOT a psychopath, but he is not the kind of man I want to be around, because I cannot trust him.
I forgive him (get the bitterness against him out of my heart) but TRUST? NO!!! Because trust restoration and forgiveness are NOT the same thing..remember the story of Joseph? He had long ago forgiven his brothers but he did not trust them until he had TESTED them. People who demand instant restoration of trust after abusing you PROVE RIGHT THERE BY THAT ACTION THAT THEY ARE NOT REMORSEFUL. People who are genuinely remorseful will expect to prove themselves to you to reestablish trust again.
I just no longer EVER trust anyone who has practiced deception (we are talking adults here now, kiddies get lots of next chances). People with a criminal record or a serious prior or ongoing drug addiction are not people who I will ever give complete trust to, because “the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior” so I will always keep my eyes open for that with anyone who has had a big problem with crime or substances. Not that there are not people who
DO overcome an addiction or a criminal past, but it is RARE enough I am not going to be sucked into taking too much of a chance on someone. Maybe that’s an over reaction or cynical of me but I’ve come to a place with this that I am comfortable.
People who are dishonest are not people I want to trust or to associate with on an intimate basis. I want to keep those people at “arm’s length.”
Which also means that I must hold myself to the same standards I expect others to hold. At the same time too, I cannot hold others to LESS of a standard than I hold myself to.
If I hurt someone else by being inconsiderate or whatever and this is brought to my attention, I should make amends as quickly and completely as possible. I should do my best to show the person I am sorry for hurting them, and that I will make every effort to NOT repeat that.
I should treat others as well as I treat myself, but I should also expect those close to me to treat me as well as I treat them, or just stay away from me.
Okay, your X is a false prophet, a fake christian, and you allowed yourself to be lured into his web, but feeling bitterness and wrath against him isn’t going to make YOU feel better…however….getting that bitterness out of your heart will, I think. That does NOT mean you have to trust him though, or not acknowledge that what he has done is evil, that he is behaving badly. (You also I think need to forgive yourself, get the bitterness out of your heart against yourself for allowing yourself to be lured into his web.) That is as important I think as anything we do in the healing process for ourselves.
Actually, once I realized that I did not have to TRUST someone just because I forgave them, my own spirituality was improved, not damaged. “When God is all you have, God is all you need.” (((hugs))) and my prayers for us all.
Dear TB,
I hear you, and I am going to posit a theory on what you have described…is that you put up with, and put up with and put up with and then EXPLODE and then everyone backs up and “behaves” for a while. Your stress is relived by the explosion, but then you go back to allowing them to talk hateful to you for a while and then rinse and repeat and rinse and repeat.
I recognize this as a pattern because I have lived enough of it to see it in myself and I think I’m also seeing it in you. (may be wrong here but just a thought)
So, I would suggest (if what I am positing is correct) that you set the boundaries FIRMLY before you come to the breaking point and near explosion. Then CALMLY walk away from them with a CALM “I don’t appreciate you speaking to me that way” and STICK WITH IT.
This pattern of them talking to you like a yard dog didn’t start last week and it won’t be stopped by next week…and they will do what they have to to maintain the status quo of what they are familiar with and what has “worked” to relieve family stress for all these years. Using your grandkids or whatever they can to whip you into shape.
It isn’t just one member or two of the family that is problematic, but the entire organism is off kilter. But when one member of the family starts to get healthy and insist that the others not treat them badly, it upsets the balance and everyone tries to get the “normal” balance back—functioning in their dysfunction. (as it were)
I just decided I am not going to function in the dysfunction, but to learn to be actually functional. I don’t need the drama-rama of the dysfunction any more and there is nothing anyone can hold over my head for ransom that will make me engage in it.
((((hugs))))
Oxy Darlin, RIGHT ON, SISTA!!!I agree with everything you just said!Ive just written a blog on the one”getting over the amazing energy” {or something like that.} I loved your analogy re the spaths taking a hatchet job to their own boat, then trying to scupper yours!
I feel Im at last making some progres, I wont repeat everything I wrote on the other thread, but suffice it to say, I feel so much better! I hope your having lovely time with your friend, OXY!
Im with you on this, my Boundaries with spath Ds ar e now NON NEGOTIABLE and if this means I dont see my Gkids, well, thats just tough shiat.At least the ic e is broken and Im talking on the phone to them now. Not often, but its a start.
Lots of Love, and TOWANDA to us all!! Mama gemXXDo I miss my daughters? Do I miss having root canal therapy??
Hello Everyone,
I can absolutely relate to the anxiety aftermath of a sociopath. I have been in counseling for four months now. I have been NC since October 22, 2010. Even though he has texted me trying to bait me, I remain strong in NC. Anyway, at my last therapy session I started crying. The therapist asked what was making me cry and I said the anxiety I have of running into him or him and his exwife. I live in a small town of 10,000 with two grocery stores. Chances of running into them is pretty good. When I pull into the parking lot, I scan the parked vehicles making sure theirs isn’t there. If I see a vehicle that even looks close to theirs, I start to panic.
My therapist asked what makes me panic. Can he hurt me? I told her no he cant hurt me. I told her it was so hard to explain. But that I felt like someone who had been raped and the rapist got off and you run into them and the anxiety and fear set in. I told her he was never phsyical with me so I shouldn’t be afraid. She said to me, “You have been raped, my Dear. You have been emotionally raped. You have the symptoms of mental domestic abuse”.
Boy did that hit me like a ton of bricks. It all made sense to me. I had been emotionally raped and that was the basis of my anxiety and fear. Now this is my next hurdle to get over, seeing his vehicle at a store and being able to go in and shop without fear and anxiety. He CANT hurt me anymore.
Never in my life, could I have ever imagined such a recovery process from a relationship that was not a physically abusive relationship, just mental anguish from every corner. I am 46.