According to the National Institutes of Mental Health, “anxiety is a normal reaction to stress. It helps one deal with a tense situation in the office, study harder for an exam, keep focused on an important speech. In general, it helps one cope. But when anxiety becomes an excessive, irrational dread of everyday situations, it has become a disabling disorder.” Put another way anxiety is supposed to help us. The parts of the brain that produce feelings of anxiety are similar to the parts of the brain that process pain, another negative emotion. Anxiety and its cousin pain help us by signaling danger and causing us to avoid. Their job is to inhibit behavior. The part of the brain that processes pain and anxiety is called the Behavioral Inhibition System or BIS.
I have observed that anxiety is the single biggest obstacle to recovery from a pathological relationship with a sociopath (psychopath). The aftermath of these relationships leaves a person with terrible anxiety, dread and when anxiety/dread is overwhelming, avoidance sets in. Avoidance coping leads people to withdraw from life and responsibilities and the result is only more anxiety. A vicious cycle sets in where anxiety leads to avoidance, avoidance behaviors get us in trouble, that trouble leads to more anxiety, that anxiety leads to even more avoidance”¦and so on.
Why is a pathological relationship different from all others? Why is the anxiety experienced afterward so profound? I think the roots of the anxiety have to do with 6 things:
1. During the relationship, mind games, undermine a person’s confidence.
2. During the relationship the victim is intentionally isolated from potential sources of support.
3. During the relationship the sociopath/psychopath does things that harm the victim’s relationships with significant people in his/her life.
4. The break-up of any relationship causes anxiety, conflict laden relationships more so.
5. In the aftermath many victims face financial problems.
6. In the aftermath many victims face legal problems.
O.K. , I admit the anxiety is caused by a total destruction of the framework of a person’s life!
I think that our psychological defenses can operate so well that many people underestimate the degree to which anxiety influences their behavior and the level of avoidance coping they engage in. The best indicator of anxiety, in my opinion is this avoidance coping.
Just what is avoidance coping? Avoidance coping means that a person denies or minimizes the seriousness of a situation. He/she uses a self—protective strategy and actively suppresses stressful thoughts. Most importantly, behaviorally speaking avoidance coping means an avoidance of tasks that might in anyway remind us of the stressor and avoidance of doing many of the tasks of life. Since avoidance coping requires so much mental energy, there is not enough left for getting work done. Instead, people tend to get satisfaction through other activities like eating or watching TV.
I got to thinking about avoidance coping this week because I tutor a 15 year old in math and he described his own behavior which is a good example of avoidance coping and its consequences. I hadn’t seen this student for about a year. I worked with him for several years and the last time I saw him he was in 8th grade and was doing very well in that he could solve simple algebra problems. Now in 9th grade, he is failing math so his mother called me. When I tested him, he had regressed. He could not do any of the tasks he could do easily only a year ago.
I asked him what happened. He said, “The things I know I do. When I don’t get something, I don’t want to do it. I get home and feel like I would rather ride my bike, so I do. Then I don’t do my homework.”
The point I want to make to you, is that I worked with him for only an hour and he got a 93 on the next test! Due to this victory, he feels a great deal less like avoiding. So I ask you, are there things you are avoiding that you could actually succeed at if you just stop avoiding? Wouldn’t an A grade at some task that you are avoiding boost your confidence and serve you better than that nagging feeling you are not doing the stuff you are supposed to do.
My student’s mother has some negative words for her son’s motivation. She says he is lazy etc. She just does not understand the degree to which anxiety is producing his dysfunctional behavior. He doesn’t outwardly appear anxious, though inwardly he is. Just that little contact with me reduced his anxiety enough to help him face that which he had been avoiding. Just like my student, even when we don’t appear anxious, our avoidance behaviors often lead to further damage to our already damaged relationships.
If you are avoiding too much, I encourage you to stop avoiding. Confront those tasks that are causing you dread, fear and anxiety. In the end you will feel a lot better. You might get an A grade if you try and not trying always leads to failure-an F. Next week more on anxiety and coping.
There has been a lot said, but one thing that caught my attention and made me think was TB’s post about how her daughters love drama, and compete with eachother for her favor, and sibling rivalry and how exhausting it all is.
While your cheif objective is, “Oh for God’s sake, can’t we all just get along….”, their cheif objective is to win. They want to have control. They use your desire for peace to get their way. They use your need to play fair and be just to manipulate you, to this end.
I remember when my kids were little, they had this game where the first one who yelled “shot-gun” got to sit in the front passenger seat when we went somewhere in the car. One time, the older daughter called it first, but my younger daughter still complained, whining, “but she ALWAYS gets to ride in the front seat….why does she ALWAYS get to ride in the front seat?” The kids had written the rules of the game, but it was being turned on me, when that daughter was”nt the winner….I was supposed to solve the problem, even though it was a no win for me, someone would suffer….And I knew I was being manipulated by my need to MAKE EVERYBODY HAPPY AND MY NEED TO BE JUST AND BE FAIR. How did I know this? Because it happened all the time and it worked, and I was really tired of it.
My response, in an instant? Maybe not the most empathathetic, maybe not the right one, but you know that particular problem stopped. My response was, “cause I like her best.”
My younger daughter knew that wasn’t really true, and immediatly recognized that I recognized what she had tried to do. She did not expect me to react that way, and it probably stung a bit, but she never tried to pull that again.
Refuse to engage with your kids in their games. It is no win for you, and they are the ones who made the rules…It’s between them. JMHO.
schnoodle64, sounds like you have made a real breakthrough in therapy and I think that’s great! Just get over one hurdle at a time… I know you can do it! I suffered with a lot of anxiety… maybe I took the easy way out with anti-anxiety pills, but they worked for me, but I still have issues to work on! God Bless. xoxoxo
Kim,
I know what you mean about the kids trying to suck you into the games as the referee and how it is a NO WIN SITUATION.
Mine took to fighting, physically. One would provoke the other one until Jesus himself would have swung the first punch! Then the one who hit first got into trouble. Well, we moved for a short time into a tiny house (from a huge one) and in the tiny house I could hear everything they were saying as they played and scrapped, and I realized what was happening. So I told them “Boys, we have a new rule, any time you get in a fight it doesn’t matter who swings first, you both get it!”
They continued every day to fight and every day they got punished for fighting, and I thought they never would stop. Then one day I hear them playing and one of them said to the other one “if you do that again, I’m gonna hit you and then we will both be in trouble.” They never physically fought from that day forward! LOL I think they were like 6 and 7 at the time.
But I refused to referee between them from then on. I’ not sure in the end that it helped either one of them, but at least it let me off the hook for being in the middle of the fights and the manipulations while they were kids. Made my life easier if not theirs.
I did get BACK into the middle between my mother and my XS-DIL-P and my son C though, and that was a mistake–part of the default-coping of falling into the enabling. Part of the “functioning in my dysfunction”—and looking back I can see that as clear as day but at the time I didn’t realize consciously what I was doing. That lack of self awareness is difficult to overcome. I am sure jI probably engage in some dysfunctional carp today that I don’t realize at least while it is happening that I am doing. I’m working on being aware and also in not getting hooked into “enabling” or taking on responsibilities that are not mine. It’s a process and I think the more we practice the better we get at it.
Kim,
that’s an excellent post.
Manipulitive people (children or adults) just like the pleasure they get when they push our buttons. They are like a gambler sitting all day at the slot machines – and WE are the slot machine. They may not always get a reward but they know that sometimes they will get that psychological reward they were expecting. BUT if you surprise them with a PUNISHMENT, a psychological TURD, then the thrill of button pushing is gone because all they got was a nasty surprise. LOL.
Thank you Shabbychic for the kind words of encouragement! We all need them don’t we? It is strange but every now and then I have a twinge of excitement about my post-Spath life and my girls and my new boyfriend and THAT is what gives me hope that I can climb the mountain of fear/anxiety/guilt/hatred of Spath….only to slide down the other side COMPLETELY FREE of those things and yelling YIPEEEE I’M FREE!
My best to everyone who is coping with this bizarre nightmare!
Oxy: I don’t blow up, I just do/will not play the peacemaker role any longer. I put my foot down and no longer care what their reaction is or if peace is achieved. I am at the point where the drama has overridden my ability or desire to try and restore a normal balance of the ‘relationship’. In other words: I wash my hands of trying to bring their minds/actions into proper/normal behavior. I just walk. I cannot set these boundaries into motion [prior] because they are always looking and waiting for that vulnerable moment when they can strike [such as my GD is in my arms and they can jerk her out of my arms causing her to scream and cry and my heart to be broken for her and my daughter’s bad behavior]. And/or my older daughter is always waiting for a chance to destroy my younger daughter, whom she has hated since before birth. She tried to get me to abort her because she said I was too old to have children-I was 30 years old. She HATES children but claims to love them. She cannot have any of her own [which drives her crazier], yet claims to love my GD [her niece], but tries to be covertly cruel to her when she is around her. Personally, I think my older daughter is schizoid and my younger one seems bi-polar. I’ve had my older daughter play such huge sex games with my X husband [younger one’s father] to the point of stalking him on his job while bringing a book for him to ‘give to mom’ [and then called and basically gloated about it to me, telling me my X called her ‘sweetie’]. My younger daughter is friends and buddies with my first X[two older children’s father] and has gone to visit him! Now how crazy is all this? My older daughter has to have ALL male attention and I cannot even have a male friend w/o her targeting him with a sexual overtone. It’s like they are all crazy! My son is still in contact with [and friends] my second X [younger daughter’s father]. Now, how in the world am I going to make any sense out of all this insane drama?! It’s totally crazy and makes me feel crazy to be involved in it! It’s a no win situation!
Kim: You nailed it totally! And BTW my two older kids always played that front seat game-until I had a bad car wreck and my older daughter cracked her head and the windshield of the car and nobody fought for the front seat any longer. [almost killed me in the wreck].
All I can say is: God help the peace seeker/peace maker cause their life is gonna be hell created by all the drama of the disordered evil ones that feed on drama and pain.
I should add: my older daughter presents herself as my friend and concerned about me, yet takes everything I say, spins it and tattles it around. Personally, I believe she is still in contact with my X [younger daughter’s father whom she had a long going affair with].
It seems these kids of mine want to totally destroy me. Weird. The question is why? Nobody loves them like I do, yet they would destroy me. It’s like they hate love…….which no matter what direction I look at this from, I cannot understand. *And to have a relationship with ANY of them, you must allow them to control your life and you are nothing but a total slave/worshipper while they torture you from every vantage point. [they do their co-workers, spouses, friends etc all this way]
S64
That is PRECISELY what I’m dealing with right now too.
That’s a very difficult concept to accept and I TOTALLY relate to scanning grocery stores and parking lots for them. I’ve not been able to do this without a ton of anxiety. Hopefully, soon, I can. I wish you well in your recovery and am happy to hear you got an answer that is healing for you 🙂
LL
TB,
You know, I don’t see how on earth you can continue to have a “relationshit” with a daughter who was farking your husband—talk about the ULTIMATE BETRAYAL and the ULTIMATE DYSFUNCTION. How on earth can you ever trust someone like that again?
That was why I decided that essentially NC except for business (re the parole of P-son) via e mail was the order of the day for son C after he lied to me (again) last year at Holiday time. Enough. No more games. I don’t need him in my life. I can’t trust him, he has demonstrated he doesn’t have respect or good intentions toward me so why continue a relationshit with him? So I can be disappointed and hurt again? and again? and again? Nah, I’m tired of playing “let’s pretend none of that happened.”
I realize you have your GD involved in the middle of it, but I can almost guarentee that your daughter will make sure that there is no relationship between you and your GD, so all you are going to get is MORE HEART ACHE, over and over and over.
My suggestion is cut your losses, there is no way you can have a relationship with someone who would screw your husband or even your x husband. Your daughter sounds like a pretty twisted sister to me. The other one doesn’t sound much better. At this point in them they are not likely to change no matter what kind of boundaries you set, especially if they enjoy your pain which it sounds like they enjoy the pain they cause you and the drama. I know it hurts, so does Geminigirl and Witsend and a bunch of others on here who have adult children who are high in psychopathic traits and dysfunction. I feel 100% better now though that I no longer have to wait for the next betrayal. No more worry, no more pain and frankly I don’t miss him at all.
Hi Everyone. I found this on the internet (adapted it slightly) and thought I would share it.
For all of you women/men that have been destroyed by contact with a psychopath——”.
People who are psychopaths appear charming, at times making relationships, but to them they are relationships in name only, without depth or meaning.
They try to find weakness in people therefore finding a “target” and use their weaknesses to meet their own needs.
They lie, deceive, manipulate or intimidate in order to get what they need, or to gain pleasure.
They are incapable of any true emotion. Love, hate, shame, even anger. They are quick to anger but just as quick to let it go, without holding grudges. No matter what emotion they state that they have, it has little or no bearing on their future action or attitude.
They become bored quick, they need change. They live for the moment. They can forget the past easily. They can play the part to get what they want.
They come from all walks of life. Not just from unstable homes.
Most people experience some degree of guilt when they lie…but a psychopath will say he/she is sorry, but with no real meaning or intent to make things right. They do not discriminate. They dont care if they destroy or use family, friends, or suckers.
It’s almost impossible to pick out a psychopath. Be more suspicious and less trusting.
They play on your forgiveness. A man that showers his wife with attention is more likely to get forgiveness for infidelities.
Psychopaths have no conscience. Their goal is self-gratification. They have shallow emotions. They play on the fact that most people are trusting.
They can’t stay in a long term relationship, and are usually involved with more than 2 or 3 women at once.
They are ordinary dressers. They may claim to want to rule the world.
They get along very well with animals because animals don’t question them or don’t care what they do, and will accept them no matter what.
They are paranoid. They don’t like to sit with their back to the crowd.
Some say they are incapable of human love.
They have lack of remorse and are manipulative and cunning.
Ox: It is the ultimate betrayal. I would cut her some slack since she was just a teen when I married him and was very jealous that I married again. [He was younger than me and I am a very young mom to her, which always made her very jealous]. I tried to allow for all this regarding the betrayal, but the games and abuse by her, continued on till I finally divorced him three years ago and that’s when I found out they had an actual physical relationship. See, all this behavior makes you feel since it’s such bizarre behavior, it must be your mind overreacting. I watched the games go down over the years, but thought they were just for some sort of twisted attention between these two [my older daughter and X]. That’s all part of the crazy making that goes on when you get caught in the insane webs of these P’s.
Actually, it’s my younger daughter that has the GD. She’s the one who told me about the actual physical affair of her father and my older daughter. She backed her dad up against the wall [verbally/psychologically] and forced a lot of things out of him, which this was one of them. Then, all the bizarre pieces fell into place. I didn’t have contact with my older daughter for well over two years and then we kinda patched it up. She never admitted it, but cried and said she was sorry for all the pain she caused me. And offered to testify against him after setting him up in a scene to ‘hit on her’ so she could tattle that all over the family [after I left him]. She thinks her scenes well out in advance on what she wants to go down. So, he got seriously pissed at her over ratting him out she said. I don’t buy that. I figure they just had a power war and each sexually played the other. Sick, twisted stuff!
Understand: Let’s play this didn’t happen! Good point!
I would have to agree they do enjoy my pain too much to try and maintain any sort of real relationship with them. Just too bad for my health and doesn’t really help or make any difference in their lives anyway.
Hugs to you, Ox! 🙂