According to the National Institutes of Mental Health, “anxiety is a normal reaction to stress. It helps one deal with a tense situation in the office, study harder for an exam, keep focused on an important speech. In general, it helps one cope. But when anxiety becomes an excessive, irrational dread of everyday situations, it has become a disabling disorder.” Put another way anxiety is supposed to help us. The parts of the brain that produce feelings of anxiety are similar to the parts of the brain that process pain, another negative emotion. Anxiety and its cousin pain help us by signaling danger and causing us to avoid. Their job is to inhibit behavior. The part of the brain that processes pain and anxiety is called the Behavioral Inhibition System or BIS.
I have observed that anxiety is the single biggest obstacle to recovery from a pathological relationship with a sociopath (psychopath). The aftermath of these relationships leaves a person with terrible anxiety, dread and when anxiety/dread is overwhelming, avoidance sets in. Avoidance coping leads people to withdraw from life and responsibilities and the result is only more anxiety. A vicious cycle sets in where anxiety leads to avoidance, avoidance behaviors get us in trouble, that trouble leads to more anxiety, that anxiety leads to even more avoidance”¦and so on.
Why is a pathological relationship different from all others? Why is the anxiety experienced afterward so profound? I think the roots of the anxiety have to do with 6 things:
1. During the relationship, mind games, undermine a person’s confidence.
2. During the relationship the victim is intentionally isolated from potential sources of support.
3. During the relationship the sociopath/psychopath does things that harm the victim’s relationships with significant people in his/her life.
4. The break-up of any relationship causes anxiety, conflict laden relationships more so.
5. In the aftermath many victims face financial problems.
6. In the aftermath many victims face legal problems.
O.K. , I admit the anxiety is caused by a total destruction of the framework of a person’s life!
I think that our psychological defenses can operate so well that many people underestimate the degree to which anxiety influences their behavior and the level of avoidance coping they engage in. The best indicator of anxiety, in my opinion is this avoidance coping.
Just what is avoidance coping? Avoidance coping means that a person denies or minimizes the seriousness of a situation. He/she uses a self—protective strategy and actively suppresses stressful thoughts. Most importantly, behaviorally speaking avoidance coping means an avoidance of tasks that might in anyway remind us of the stressor and avoidance of doing many of the tasks of life. Since avoidance coping requires so much mental energy, there is not enough left for getting work done. Instead, people tend to get satisfaction through other activities like eating or watching TV.
I got to thinking about avoidance coping this week because I tutor a 15 year old in math and he described his own behavior which is a good example of avoidance coping and its consequences. I hadn’t seen this student for about a year. I worked with him for several years and the last time I saw him he was in 8th grade and was doing very well in that he could solve simple algebra problems. Now in 9th grade, he is failing math so his mother called me. When I tested him, he had regressed. He could not do any of the tasks he could do easily only a year ago.
I asked him what happened. He said, “The things I know I do. When I don’t get something, I don’t want to do it. I get home and feel like I would rather ride my bike, so I do. Then I don’t do my homework.”
The point I want to make to you, is that I worked with him for only an hour and he got a 93 on the next test! Due to this victory, he feels a great deal less like avoiding. So I ask you, are there things you are avoiding that you could actually succeed at if you just stop avoiding? Wouldn’t an A grade at some task that you are avoiding boost your confidence and serve you better than that nagging feeling you are not doing the stuff you are supposed to do.
My student’s mother has some negative words for her son’s motivation. She says he is lazy etc. She just does not understand the degree to which anxiety is producing his dysfunctional behavior. He doesn’t outwardly appear anxious, though inwardly he is. Just that little contact with me reduced his anxiety enough to help him face that which he had been avoiding. Just like my student, even when we don’t appear anxious, our avoidance behaviors often lead to further damage to our already damaged relationships.
If you are avoiding too much, I encourage you to stop avoiding. Confront those tasks that are causing you dread, fear and anxiety. In the end you will feel a lot better. You might get an A grade if you try and not trying always leads to failure-an F. Next week more on anxiety and coping.
The anxiety I felt over 4 years was horrible. It should have been a red flag for me that this was a person who was wrong for me. Instead I just kept being uncertain about what he really felt for me – was it caring/warmth or was it disinterest ?.
None of the other symptoms here applied to him, though. He was just a mastermind in head games and manipulation.
The anxiety was so bad for me that I turned to xanex and alcohol. While I was with him I got two dui’s which contributed to more anxiety and shame. I had never been in trouble with the law before him or since.
Today I still struggle with not drinking when I feel upset and the anxiety gets very high, but do not turn to alcohol fortunatley. I say that I am a situational alcoholic. Is this true or am I a full blown alcoholic?
alohatraveler,
You mentioned the pedicure and how good it made you feel. I have had so many similar experiences.
Let me give you and example. A friend and I were going to and event and I was driving. I didn’t know how to get there, but she did, so of course she gave directions as I drove. I was nearly overwhelmed by how pleasant this experience was. It was such a contrast to the way it was with my ex. On the rare occasions when he didn’t insist on driving (because he is such a control freak), he would yell at me for missing a turn that he never told me to make.
The silver lining of my bad experiences with my ex are that now I find great pleasure in very simple experiences that I might otherwise have taken for granted. The short trip with my friend giving me directions was something that I savored.
Math Anxiety
I tutor math and I have seen this phenomenon in so many of the kids I work with. My students are fortunate enough to have parents who care. Most of my students have had issues with their teachers. The teachers seem to explain things poorly and make the kids feel bad when they don’t “get it.” I have seen the handouts the kids get in class and they are terribly confusing. It’s no wonder that none but the brightest kids in the class are able to understand the material. Even for bright kids, it would be confusing. That can’t help but produce anxiety.
Cortisol
I have been reading about cortisol levels in the brain and how they affect learning and memory. When the levels are very low, the person is bored and does not learn. When the levels are very high, the person is anxious and does not learn. This means that we need to have just the right balance. I would compare the “good” level of cortisol to the feeling of excitement, anticipation, or eagerness.
When we have the right balance, we are engaged in our work or our study and able to do our best.
I have also learned that very high levels of cortisol actually destroy pathways in the brain. I believe that this is what happened to the student the author was describing. I am quite convinced it is what happened to me. At the end of my bad relationship, I was very shaken and lacking in self-confidence. There were things that I used to be able to do that I couldn’t. Learning new things was a real struggle for me, both because I had trouble focusing and because I had trouble remembering.
I am still struggling with this, but I want to hold out hope for the rest of you who are, too. I am a little better almost every day. (A few setbacks now and then, but generally a very positive trend.) One of the easiest places for me to see this is with music. I used to be able to play several different instruments and at the end of the relationship I played all of them poorly or not at all. Now they are coming back, a little at a time. I am back to my old level or even better on all but one instrument.
The same is true of my work knowledge. At first, things that I used to know were just blanks. Now I am recovering that knowledge and learning a lot of new things. Best of all, the pace is accelerating. The more I learn, the faster I learn and the better I learn.
So, my advice is to continue to struggle. It’s very slow at first, but it will get better. Little successes lead to bigger ones. If at all possible, tackle easier or smaller steps at the beginning so that you can experience success. This will encourage you to do a little more the next time. Be stubborn and don’t give up.
My mother (now 93 yrs old) has had sociopathic behavior disorder along with obsessive, compulsive disorder, paranoia, and other problems and is a very controlling individual. She never worked outside of the home, never voted, read a book, or had many friends.
I left home as soon as I finished school, but have spent most of my life being a soft-touch for ccontrolling people, bosses, significant others, friends…
I could never NO to other people’s requests because it give me tremendous anxiety. And I have always experienced tremendous amounts of anxiety when I needed to ask for help, a favor, or any kind of a request.
When I was growing up and wanted to participate in some activity with my school friends… I always asked her permission first, and usually she said okay – at the outset, but when the time came for the actual event that I had a part in – like a play or a game – she said I couldn’t go. As a result of this, I suffered a lot of embarrassment and loss of self esteem. I got so that I was afraid to ask for anything – no matter how minor – and if I did get the courage to ask, the anxiety was overwhelming, and if she said yes, then I waited for the other shoe to fall and having to back out at the last minute.
Early in life I knew I wanted to be a doctor and that required taking science courses in high school in order to get the background for college admittance. She insisted that I could not take those courses, but instead ‘decreed’ that I learn to be an office worker and study along those lines. Inspite of the high school principal assuring her and my father that with my IQ and grades, there was every possibility that I would get scholarships and the principal and the faculty would support that, I had to accede to her demands… and I guess I gave up on myself…
Today I know my anxiety is holding me back in my goals and I’m just afraid and anxious about stepping out and going for it and I spend a lot of my time on inconsequential ‘stuff.’
I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and my anxiety will be the subject.
I never realized the significance of how anxiety can become a cycle in my life. After reading this I realize how much avoidance has played in my life. Moreso now than ever and it’s been two years since I split with my ex. I thought that I would improve with time.
I still have terrible nightmares and I am going to counseling but I never leave my desk even for lunch, I never leave my home except to got to work/store or an appointment. It never even occurred to me that this was a symptom of anxiety. It felt secure to me not to get out in public.
Reading this blog has been very enlightening but now I’m afraid that I must be worse than I thought.
Dear rperk6069:
If “alcoholic” means sociopath then don’t label yourself. In general alcoholics fall into two groups, under anxious and over anxious. The over anxious have the best long term prognosis. If you need AA to keep sober then go and work the 12 steps. The more you drink the worse your anxiety disorder will get. Also, please be sure you are under the care of a physician who can help you with the anxiety by prescribing medications that are not addicting.
nottakingitanymore,
Your “mental problems” with thinking, playing your instruments etc. is VERY typical of post-traumatic-stress-disorder, depression etc.
Alll my life I have been a “multi-tasker” and even as a kid I would sit and watch TV, do my home work, and talk on the phone all at the same time and accomplish all of the things. As a “parlor trick” you could read me 100 numbers in a row, and I could after hearing them one time, recite them back to you, in order, skipp every other one, backwards, backwards and skip every third one, etc.
After my husband’s plane crash, I could not keep more than 1 or 2 numbers in my head long enough to write them down. I could not punch a phone number into a phone except 1 at a time, and finally I had to have someone write the number and as I punched them into the phone I would have to mark that number off the paper with a pen to keep up with where I was. For 3 months I could not read at all.
I had almost NO short term memory. Even my long term memory was like swiss cheese, my sense of time was gone, my circadian rythm was 180 degrees off and irratic.
I’ve always been “hyperactive” but without the attention deficit (sort of like the energizer bunny) but I became lethargic. Three months after the crash I tried to go back to work, but realized I couldn’t function like that as it took ALL my energy to work 2 days a week (that was all I was working before the crash) and that people’s lives depended on me, and I wasn’t sure I was up to it. I worked a very stressful job in a rapid paced environment in a hospital.
The PTSD started with my husband’s accidental death, but with my step-father’s cancer death 6 months later, and the “attacks of the Ps” one after another over the next 3 years, I became a “blob of protoplasam” unable to function at all.
I read some research lately about rats under stress vs rats not stressed. They stressed half of them and the other half not, and the exercise was kept contstant and the food amounts constant, and the rats that were stressed gained weight AROUND their middles. I have NEVER had a “fat middle” and if I was over weight it was always distributed all over my body, not in one particular spot. I have gained weight and it is ALL IN THE MIDDLE. Can we say stress? Stress does some horrible things to us, and my health has declined remarkably, along with several infectious episodes that were life threatening, though I have always tended to be VERY healthy except for broken bones or other accidental things like that.
I became VERY anxious about my lack of mental function. I was checked for early altzheimers, and given a 1-1 IQ test and I scored in the 99th percentile—which reassured me, but still though it has improved, I am still not where I was before the aircraft crash and the subsequent stressful events of my whole world collapsing around my head. I know that there have been “chemical changes” in my brain. I will probably have to take antidepressant medications for the rest of my life, and I may never get back to where I can multitask like I used to, but I am more able to concentrate on one task at a time. I have noticed to that NOISE irritates and distracts me from a task. If there are people talking while I am trying to think about something, I have difficulty concentrating on my own thoughts. So now I am not only a bit hyperactive but attention deficit too. My Psych MD tried Ritilan on me for a while but I couldn’t tell that it helped any so don’t take it any more. She even thought I might be a bit bi-polar and tried a mood stabilizer but that didn’t help any either so we are just back to a mid-level antidepressant and my functioning is starting to improve over the past 8 months, especially since I went NC with my mother.
My avoidance behavior has decreased, my energy level has improved (part of the low energy here lately was Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever I had last summer) but that is improving as I am regaining physical conditioning with exercise.
Louise, I understand the not wanting to go anywhere. Not getting out. I have moved back to my home at the farm after fleeing for my life, but I have not yet moved back into my house, but continue to live in my RV—and I think really I feel safer living here than I would in my 4 bedroom house which is 100 feet away. I have all the “modern” conveniences and more than enough room for everything I need or want here, and I am very comfortable. Lots of retired people live the “full time RV” life–I do too, I just don’t travel with it, but I COULD if I wanted to and may at some time.
For now though, I think that if I wanted to live in a tent in my front yard, whose business is it but mine?
I’m starting to want to get out and do things and am doing them. Visiting friends, going places, and being part of the community again. Keeping my living environment clean, taking pride in myself and my accomplishments. Life is good again. Not perfect, but good, and the day-to-day things, like flat tires and the incessant rain are just “life” not catastrophies.
Louise
A lot of what you say about your mothers behaviour and the effect it had on you is so familiar. I too was held back in life by my mothers contol and I did not leave home until I was 28 because of the suicide threats. Looking back now, I was a very angry, frustrated and anxious person.
It is a tragic that you did not become a doctor and you have every right to be angry but try not to let things hold you back now. We cannot change the past but we can change the future.
I don’t know if you have tried any anti anxiety meds but I have found Zoloft helpful. It seems to relieve the anxiety and clear the depression that goes with it.
Swallow