According to the National Institutes of Mental Health, “anxiety is a normal reaction to stress. It helps one deal with a tense situation in the office, study harder for an exam, keep focused on an important speech. In general, it helps one cope. But when anxiety becomes an excessive, irrational dread of everyday situations, it has become a disabling disorder.” Put another way anxiety is supposed to help us. The parts of the brain that produce feelings of anxiety are similar to the parts of the brain that process pain, another negative emotion. Anxiety and its cousin pain help us by signaling danger and causing us to avoid. Their job is to inhibit behavior. The part of the brain that processes pain and anxiety is called the Behavioral Inhibition System or BIS.
I have observed that anxiety is the single biggest obstacle to recovery from a pathological relationship with a sociopath (psychopath). The aftermath of these relationships leaves a person with terrible anxiety, dread and when anxiety/dread is overwhelming, avoidance sets in. Avoidance coping leads people to withdraw from life and responsibilities and the result is only more anxiety. A vicious cycle sets in where anxiety leads to avoidance, avoidance behaviors get us in trouble, that trouble leads to more anxiety, that anxiety leads to even more avoidance”¦and so on.
Why is a pathological relationship different from all others? Why is the anxiety experienced afterward so profound? I think the roots of the anxiety have to do with 6 things:
1. During the relationship, mind games, undermine a person’s confidence.
2. During the relationship the victim is intentionally isolated from potential sources of support.
3. During the relationship the sociopath/psychopath does things that harm the victim’s relationships with significant people in his/her life.
4. The break-up of any relationship causes anxiety, conflict laden relationships more so.
5. In the aftermath many victims face financial problems.
6. In the aftermath many victims face legal problems.
O.K. , I admit the anxiety is caused by a total destruction of the framework of a person’s life!
I think that our psychological defenses can operate so well that many people underestimate the degree to which anxiety influences their behavior and the level of avoidance coping they engage in. The best indicator of anxiety, in my opinion is this avoidance coping.
Just what is avoidance coping? Avoidance coping means that a person denies or minimizes the seriousness of a situation. He/she uses a self—protective strategy and actively suppresses stressful thoughts. Most importantly, behaviorally speaking avoidance coping means an avoidance of tasks that might in anyway remind us of the stressor and avoidance of doing many of the tasks of life. Since avoidance coping requires so much mental energy, there is not enough left for getting work done. Instead, people tend to get satisfaction through other activities like eating or watching TV.
I got to thinking about avoidance coping this week because I tutor a 15 year old in math and he described his own behavior which is a good example of avoidance coping and its consequences. I hadn’t seen this student for about a year. I worked with him for several years and the last time I saw him he was in 8th grade and was doing very well in that he could solve simple algebra problems. Now in 9th grade, he is failing math so his mother called me. When I tested him, he had regressed. He could not do any of the tasks he could do easily only a year ago.
I asked him what happened. He said, “The things I know I do. When I don’t get something, I don’t want to do it. I get home and feel like I would rather ride my bike, so I do. Then I don’t do my homework.”
The point I want to make to you, is that I worked with him for only an hour and he got a 93 on the next test! Due to this victory, he feels a great deal less like avoiding. So I ask you, are there things you are avoiding that you could actually succeed at if you just stop avoiding? Wouldn’t an A grade at some task that you are avoiding boost your confidence and serve you better than that nagging feeling you are not doing the stuff you are supposed to do.
My student’s mother has some negative words for her son’s motivation. She says he is lazy etc. She just does not understand the degree to which anxiety is producing his dysfunctional behavior. He doesn’t outwardly appear anxious, though inwardly he is. Just that little contact with me reduced his anxiety enough to help him face that which he had been avoiding. Just like my student, even when we don’t appear anxious, our avoidance behaviors often lead to further damage to our already damaged relationships.
If you are avoiding too much, I encourage you to stop avoiding. Confront those tasks that are causing you dread, fear and anxiety. In the end you will feel a lot better. You might get an A grade if you try and not trying always leads to failure-an F. Next week more on anxiety and coping.
TB Darling, my heart really bleeds for you as I know EXACTLY what your going through.
Apart from the fact that my spath daughters have not had sex with their father, our stories are parallel in every other way.
There is NO ONE who will understand you as well as Oxy, me, EB, Witty, and everyone else here on LF who has gone down this road. The pain is excruciating nd indescribable to anyone who hasnt lived thru it. Its bit like getting disembowelled without an anaesthetic.
Believe me these biatches of daughters of ours know exactly how to put the knife in and twistit, and kick you in the Kidneys when your down. I now believe they get a thrill and a perverse “kick” out of seeing us suffer. They will always use their kids to torture us with, using them as pawns in their sick games. BUT and here is the But, ONLY if we let them.
There comesa point when you and I say,
“Thats it! Game over ! I will NO LONGER take part in your sick, twisted power plays, and mind games.
From this day forward, I REFUSE to be used, bullied, lied to, conned, demeaned, talked down to, used either financially or other wise.
I am a good, kind person, I may not have been the best Mother but I DID MY BEST and thats good enough.If its good enough for God its good enough.
From now on, I intend to live a good life, free fon sick, toxic, twisted people.
From now on, I intend to give my love to people and animals who appreciate me, and give me SOME love back.
I have to accept that from this day, my Boundaries are NON NEGOTIABLE and if this means I dont see my Grandkids, so be it.”
“I trust that from this day forward, God, the Life force and my Guardian Angel will guide me and protect me from sick, toxic people who suck my vital energies and give me nothing back.
I ama Child of God, and I have a right to be here on this beautiful planet earth.”
“NO LONGER will I cast my precious pearls of wisdom in front of pigs who only grind them into the mud.
So help me God, I vow, from this day, whether the person or persons who are acutely toxic to me are my children or not,
UNTIL AND UNLESS they show REAL signs of remorse repentance, compassion and humility,I NO LONGER WISH TO ASSOCIATE WITH THEM or have anything firther to do with them, EVER again.!”
“I realise this will be a hard task, but with Gods help, I am determined to CUT OFF offensive, cruel, dysfunctional, lying, and toxic people whether they are my adult children or not
I swear before God and all his angels that I will do this.
AND SO IT IS.
I set my face like a flint, I set my brain in adament mode, I set my emotions to be unflinching to this task.
AS GOD IS MY WITNESS!! let Him deal with these toxic people in His own way.
I NOW CUT OFF with my invisible scissors, made of Rose Quartz and pearl and Adament,I CUT OFF my children!. I forgive them, but I dont forget. They are free and I am free.
I let them go with as much love as I can still muster.
And so Mote it be.”
Mama Gem.
I am going to print this out,and say it aloud daily till I finally am fre of these sick toxic people.maybe youd like to do the same!
BE WARNED do NOT do this until you are 100 per cent sure you want them out of your life for good, or youll only grab them back!!
geminigirl said “NO LONGER will I cast my precious pearls of wisdom in front of pigs who only grind them into the mud.”
Amen.
TB,
I know that my words aren’t going to change what you think but I’m going to say them anyway: your daughter is not schizoid, she is a dyed in the wool PSYCHOPATH.
Schizoids are not generally dangerous, they are usually the patsies for a P. They have black and white thinking and can be duped into “righteous anger” about things by a P. Then the P talks them into doing things and end up throwing the Schizoid “under the bus”.
But your daughter, thinks things through before acting and she has no remorse except what she can fake. She never admits to what she did. Her apology could’ve come from my exP: “I’m sorry if I hurt you” but there is no admitting to what he did, specifically, or the why he did it.
Your daughter acts alot like my exP. it scares me for you TB.
And you know what? You will not get well until you are rid of them because your body KNOWS that she is dangerous to you. Unfortunately, your other kids are like Oxy’s son C and they will not protect you (also like my parents). They just don’t understand that they are dealing with evil when it comes to their sister. She has everyone bamboozled into thinking this is family dynamics/drama. It is not. It is a sociopath in the grass and it is dangerous.
You might like the movie, “when rachel got married”. In this movie, the sociopath is the mom, but that is irrelevant. what is relevant is how subtly she manipulated all the drama and then slithers away while the rest of the family is left fighting and crying. This movie might give you some insight into the way they work.
Edit: I also want to add that your daughter having an affair with your husband is SO VERY abnormal that you cannot overlook it. It’s like looking at a tumor on your leg and thinking that perhaps it will be OK. I could say more but you already know this. The drama is a distraction, TB. The hate toward you is real. TB, my exP had me poisoned for years and was planning on killing me by overdosing me with my own sleeping pills, because he could not get me to kill myself. He stole one or two from each monthly RX. He went around telling everyone that I was an addict. I’m pretty sure he even went to the pharmacist with his “concerns” about my mental state. He called the suicide prevention hot line after I left him. All these things were to create a record of his concern for my unstable mental health. NONE of these things were apparent to me until I escaped. This is why I’m worried about you. You CANNOT predict what a spath will do and you have said how your daughter plans things out for the long term, just like my exP. He took years to set up his diabolical plans. My advice: Gray Rock, show no emotion, let them think you have become a boring lump of clay. Make them go away of their own choice.
Gem,
You sound so great, You are making large strides toward healing. I’m so happy for you.
candy, thank you very much for the list you posted,
I’m going to copy and paste it into my journal,
I need the constant reminders! ((hug))
Hi SC,
we’re up late again, aren’t we?
Melatonin isn’t quite as good as the Rx, but, oh well.
How was your day? spath free?
Hi skylar! I’m still on the Ativan for sleep…
and anxiety, although I rarely feel that anymore (thank God).
Yes, my day was spath free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You have been writing some really good posts!!
Thanks SC, you are the kindest person.
I’m so glad you had a spath free day. I almost did, but I’m not sure, time will tell.
Catching up on all the posts takes a while but it’s so worth it because I learn sooooo much here.
Gonna hit the sack very soon.
gnite.
I could not get these pages to load when I was using
Internet Explorer, so I switched over to GoogleChrome and
it seems to be working much better!!
good night!
SC,
thanks for the tip, that happens to me all the time.
Thanks so much Sky for your kind words!Yes, I FINALLY think Im getting it and getting there!
I realise now you cant rush this process, its almost organic,{ie, working on becoming totally spath free]
Kerry, the psychic lady really helped me, -she told me she was realigning and connecting my chakras, as all the negative energy, rage, anger grief, which was supposed to get out thru my heart and throat chakras,{presumably via tears, sobbing,etc} had got trapped in my sacral plexus,{kidney, bladder, bowel}, and couldnt get out, hence the awful gas pains, cystitis like symptoms, irritable bowel, etc.I had terrible gas pains before she arrived, but theyr gone now! She got me to choose two animal tarot cards,{without thinking, just the first two that I decided on}
and what they said was unbelievable!
She told me that haematite , white crystal and fossilised wood were my healing gem stones. I remembered a fosilised wood pendant that myMum left to me, and Ive been wearing it non stop.Foss. wood is very grounding, realigning me to the earth, which I needed, its an anchoring stone.
All this will prob sound hippy dippy to some of you but, hey, it works! I feel so much calmer, lighter, more grounded, less angry,{not angry at all actually]
She told me it was all to do with rejection from my Mother, but not my Mother in this life, in my life in Ancient Greece,-BC, so it was some time ago! I was keeping on setting myself up for rejection.
Yesterday and today I took the small colour prints of my spiritual and Psychic paintings and had them blown up to 8 by 12 inch sizes, and they look fantastic! they are all I have left of these paintings, as they wer e either
a} destroyed by my ex,
b}destroyed by spath Daughter,
c} painted over,
d}sold,
or
e}hacked to bits a t the instructions of a fundamentalist prayer group I went to then. I joined it when I was full of fear, having been beaten up by both spath D and my ex.
I see this step as the beginning of me starting to paint again.
I have them in a large album, and they look fantastic!
Love,your happy GemXX