According to the National Institutes of Mental Health, “anxiety is a normal reaction to stress. It helps one deal with a tense situation in the office, study harder for an exam, keep focused on an important speech. In general, it helps one cope. But when anxiety becomes an excessive, irrational dread of everyday situations, it has become a disabling disorder.” Put another way anxiety is supposed to help us. The parts of the brain that produce feelings of anxiety are similar to the parts of the brain that process pain, another negative emotion. Anxiety and its cousin pain help us by signaling danger and causing us to avoid. Their job is to inhibit behavior. The part of the brain that processes pain and anxiety is called the Behavioral Inhibition System or BIS.
I have observed that anxiety is the single biggest obstacle to recovery from a pathological relationship with a sociopath (psychopath). The aftermath of these relationships leaves a person with terrible anxiety, dread and when anxiety/dread is overwhelming, avoidance sets in. Avoidance coping leads people to withdraw from life and responsibilities and the result is only more anxiety. A vicious cycle sets in where anxiety leads to avoidance, avoidance behaviors get us in trouble, that trouble leads to more anxiety, that anxiety leads to even more avoidance”¦and so on.
Why is a pathological relationship different from all others? Why is the anxiety experienced afterward so profound? I think the roots of the anxiety have to do with 6 things:
1. During the relationship, mind games, undermine a person’s confidence.
2. During the relationship the victim is intentionally isolated from potential sources of support.
3. During the relationship the sociopath/psychopath does things that harm the victim’s relationships with significant people in his/her life.
4. The break-up of any relationship causes anxiety, conflict laden relationships more so.
5. In the aftermath many victims face financial problems.
6. In the aftermath many victims face legal problems.
O.K. , I admit the anxiety is caused by a total destruction of the framework of a person’s life!
I think that our psychological defenses can operate so well that many people underestimate the degree to which anxiety influences their behavior and the level of avoidance coping they engage in. The best indicator of anxiety, in my opinion is this avoidance coping.
Just what is avoidance coping? Avoidance coping means that a person denies or minimizes the seriousness of a situation. He/she uses a self—protective strategy and actively suppresses stressful thoughts. Most importantly, behaviorally speaking avoidance coping means an avoidance of tasks that might in anyway remind us of the stressor and avoidance of doing many of the tasks of life. Since avoidance coping requires so much mental energy, there is not enough left for getting work done. Instead, people tend to get satisfaction through other activities like eating or watching TV.
I got to thinking about avoidance coping this week because I tutor a 15 year old in math and he described his own behavior which is a good example of avoidance coping and its consequences. I hadn’t seen this student for about a year. I worked with him for several years and the last time I saw him he was in 8th grade and was doing very well in that he could solve simple algebra problems. Now in 9th grade, he is failing math so his mother called me. When I tested him, he had regressed. He could not do any of the tasks he could do easily only a year ago.
I asked him what happened. He said, “The things I know I do. When I don’t get something, I don’t want to do it. I get home and feel like I would rather ride my bike, so I do. Then I don’t do my homework.”
The point I want to make to you, is that I worked with him for only an hour and he got a 93 on the next test! Due to this victory, he feels a great deal less like avoiding. So I ask you, are there things you are avoiding that you could actually succeed at if you just stop avoiding? Wouldn’t an A grade at some task that you are avoiding boost your confidence and serve you better than that nagging feeling you are not doing the stuff you are supposed to do.
My student’s mother has some negative words for her son’s motivation. She says he is lazy etc. She just does not understand the degree to which anxiety is producing his dysfunctional behavior. He doesn’t outwardly appear anxious, though inwardly he is. Just that little contact with me reduced his anxiety enough to help him face that which he had been avoiding. Just like my student, even when we don’t appear anxious, our avoidance behaviors often lead to further damage to our already damaged relationships.
If you are avoiding too much, I encourage you to stop avoiding. Confront those tasks that are causing you dread, fear and anxiety. In the end you will feel a lot better. You might get an A grade if you try and not trying always leads to failure-an F. Next week more on anxiety and coping.
LOLOLOL Twice!!!! Pardon all of us while we don’t cry with you!!! ROTFLMAO!!!
LOLOLOL: party time! I figure both my X’s are having to hit the V pill heavily now. Only don’t know if the first PX with the bum ticker can take it. Ahahahahaha! Come to think of it, may be why they hauled my last P off to the hospital last year for a near stroke. He has high BP. * I remember my mom telling me to hang in there, time was on my side. Now, I know what the old gal meant. ;p
You sure do know it now!! Mom’s have a way of being very wise and subtle!!! LOLOLOL She was correct!!! The old perverted -uckers will pay….. sounds like yours have hit “pay day”!!! distored, perverted, unnatural sex will kill them everytime!! I’m not crying right beside you sista! LOLOL!!! Mine has to be living in his dysfunctionality as well!! LOLOL
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so: you are correct! Just old worn out pervs. Wow…..what a way to grow old and die. Disgusting!
Heading to bed. Night all LF friends and keep the P radar buzzing! LOL
Nightters twice!!!
P radar is always on!!!
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What motivates the P? I found this on the internet. Makes interesting reading and acts as a reminder/warning to us all………
Control ”“ the desire to be in control of its environment, including its human victims, which are viewed no differently to any other part of its environment.
The P wants to be the agent that ’makes stuff happen’. When humans which it feels are its possessions (family or ’friends’) have their own agendas, needs, opinions, emotional states, independent activity which the P does not initiate or somehow control or influence, it is not happy.
The P does not co-operate, negotiate or compromise. The P only initiates and dominates, as it has to be in control.
Material comforts and possessions ”“ which it does not wish to have to work for, merely con in order to acquire.
Malignant envy ”“ envy of and the desire to possess and destroy that which the P is not or has not – happiness, goodness, wealth, social standing, intellect, achievement… love. The P is nothing but a mask hiding pure selfishness, has nothing, and wishes to bring everything and everybody down to its level.
Attention ”“ the Narcissistic component…any sort of attention, love or hate, either will do. So long as others are engaged and focussed on the P. The P hates to be ignored. P hates being alone, dislikes living on its own as a single person. A new victim is swiftly targeted when an old one is abandoned. (And often before the old one is abandoned!)
High sensory input activity – A variety of fast activities – e.g. mad driving, extreme or violent sports, emotionally extreme behaviour in the victim. Anti-social behaviours and petty crime ‘just for the buzz’
Anything as long as it’s life in the fast lane… Calm normality is abhorred. The P is easily bored, and has a habit of random zigzaging from one activity to another. Drugs (nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, illegal drugs) are often used to amplify/modify sensory stimulation. This desire for abnormally high sensory stimulation might be as a result of the desire to fill some of the emotional void. For normal people many activities are also emotionally satisfying, hence less need for high levels of purely sensory stimulation.
Duping delight ”“ getting one over on the victim with tricks and lies. The enjoyment of deception, covert scheming and betrayal .. This links into being in ’Control’…
Male sexual response – Basic impulsive reaction to a womans body. Visual and tactile. No emotions involved. As there is no emotional bond involved in the Ps sex life ”“ no true intimacy – sexual variety and novelty, which leads to promiscuity, fills the void.
Intellectual gratification ”“ Intelligent P appear to get the same satisfaction as normal people from purely intellectual pursuits e.g. science, math, computing. ‘Hard’ precision subjects with logic and definite ‘structure’ are preferred to ‘fuzzy’ subjects or those with an ’emotional’ component.
The avoidance of communication. Words are used as weapons of deception and dominance. Any genuine communication is to be avoided in order to hide the Ps true motivations. The P particularly wishes to avoid any deep exploration of emotional states, spirituality, morals or ethics, as it has not the wherewithal to relate to these. Its might have a variety of learnt ’scripts’ on these subjects, (especially those useful to seduce women) but they ring false if serious engagement occurs. ’You know I love you, babe’ is often as profound as the average P gets
…and that’s it basically. Nothing else counts (unless I’ve missed something!).
Normal human motivations e.g. love, fatherhood, friendship ( I don’t think the P has real friends ”“ acquaintances and accomplices, maybe) pity, altruism, honour, trust, the satisfaction of a job well done, etc etc. are viewed as weaknesses to be twisted and exploited to the benefit of the P.
The P satisfies its motivations by aping normal motivations ( often not very convincingly when seen up close and personal ”“ words and deeds do not match) , pretending to be a person.
candy – where did you find this list?
as i am reading it i am thinking of a boss i had who i had labeled an n – now i wonder. he was suuuuch a bastard.
my supervisor in that company was very controlling also, a ‘strategist’ (read, ‘manipulator’) with a load of cultural credentials, and as i trusted HER, and believed she had my best interests at heart I let him mess me over. She and I had worked on a couple of projects togehter, rather successfully, but in this instance it went sideways really badly. The lure? Money. Back end pay-off. Well, don’t think she ever got her $ investment back, and I certainly didn’t see any back-end payoff, just some back end pain form being used roughly.
I learned a lot in this situation – #1, there isn’t good in everyone, #2 I have blind spots – deep ones – that can be used against me. #3 contracts contracts contracts + lawyers, ’cause it’s ‘business’ – that euphemism for, ‘someone will fuck with you if you don’t protect yourself.’
I challenge people sloughing bad behavior off with, ‘he’s a business man’, because I was a business woman and i didn’t act like that. And i know many people who are business people and they don’t act like that. I am going to start saying things like, ‘oh, actually those are N or p traits’, or rather our attention getting line, ‘cluster b traits.’ No doubt that if most corporations could be profiled (and many governments), we could label them sociopathic.
well, that’s a nice little sunday morning missive 🙂
One – interesting – I found it on a blog on the internet where they were discussing spaths. I very often troll through stuff but I don’t know exactly where it was – I typed in ‘sex with spaths’ – cos I was interested – and it followed on from there.
Candy that was a really great list. I wish this web site had a way for each of us to individually tag great content we’d like to come back and read again and again. That’s a keeper. Superkid.
Dear One/Joy,
I think ALL governments and most “officials” are eligible for the LABEL “P” and it should be branded on the foreheads and put on the currency!!!! That and most COMPANIES and other “profit making” institutions.