According to the National Institutes of Mental Health, “anxiety is a normal reaction to stress. It helps one deal with a tense situation in the office, study harder for an exam, keep focused on an important speech. In general, it helps one cope. But when anxiety becomes an excessive, irrational dread of everyday situations, it has become a disabling disorder.” Put another way anxiety is supposed to help us. The parts of the brain that produce feelings of anxiety are similar to the parts of the brain that process pain, another negative emotion. Anxiety and its cousin pain help us by signaling danger and causing us to avoid. Their job is to inhibit behavior. The part of the brain that processes pain and anxiety is called the Behavioral Inhibition System or BIS.
I have observed that anxiety is the single biggest obstacle to recovery from a pathological relationship with a sociopath (psychopath). The aftermath of these relationships leaves a person with terrible anxiety, dread and when anxiety/dread is overwhelming, avoidance sets in. Avoidance coping leads people to withdraw from life and responsibilities and the result is only more anxiety. A vicious cycle sets in where anxiety leads to avoidance, avoidance behaviors get us in trouble, that trouble leads to more anxiety, that anxiety leads to even more avoidance”¦and so on.
Why is a pathological relationship different from all others? Why is the anxiety experienced afterward so profound? I think the roots of the anxiety have to do with 6 things:
1. During the relationship, mind games, undermine a person’s confidence.
2. During the relationship the victim is intentionally isolated from potential sources of support.
3. During the relationship the sociopath/psychopath does things that harm the victim’s relationships with significant people in his/her life.
4. The break-up of any relationship causes anxiety, conflict laden relationships more so.
5. In the aftermath many victims face financial problems.
6. In the aftermath many victims face legal problems.
O.K. , I admit the anxiety is caused by a total destruction of the framework of a person’s life!
I think that our psychological defenses can operate so well that many people underestimate the degree to which anxiety influences their behavior and the level of avoidance coping they engage in. The best indicator of anxiety, in my opinion is this avoidance coping.
Just what is avoidance coping? Avoidance coping means that a person denies or minimizes the seriousness of a situation. He/she uses a self—protective strategy and actively suppresses stressful thoughts. Most importantly, behaviorally speaking avoidance coping means an avoidance of tasks that might in anyway remind us of the stressor and avoidance of doing many of the tasks of life. Since avoidance coping requires so much mental energy, there is not enough left for getting work done. Instead, people tend to get satisfaction through other activities like eating or watching TV.
I got to thinking about avoidance coping this week because I tutor a 15 year old in math and he described his own behavior which is a good example of avoidance coping and its consequences. I hadn’t seen this student for about a year. I worked with him for several years and the last time I saw him he was in 8th grade and was doing very well in that he could solve simple algebra problems. Now in 9th grade, he is failing math so his mother called me. When I tested him, he had regressed. He could not do any of the tasks he could do easily only a year ago.
I asked him what happened. He said, “The things I know I do. When I don’t get something, I don’t want to do it. I get home and feel like I would rather ride my bike, so I do. Then I don’t do my homework.”
The point I want to make to you, is that I worked with him for only an hour and he got a 93 on the next test! Due to this victory, he feels a great deal less like avoiding. So I ask you, are there things you are avoiding that you could actually succeed at if you just stop avoiding? Wouldn’t an A grade at some task that you are avoiding boost your confidence and serve you better than that nagging feeling you are not doing the stuff you are supposed to do.
My student’s mother has some negative words for her son’s motivation. She says he is lazy etc. She just does not understand the degree to which anxiety is producing his dysfunctional behavior. He doesn’t outwardly appear anxious, though inwardly he is. Just that little contact with me reduced his anxiety enough to help him face that which he had been avoiding. Just like my student, even when we don’t appear anxious, our avoidance behaviors often lead to further damage to our already damaged relationships.
If you are avoiding too much, I encourage you to stop avoiding. Confront those tasks that are causing you dread, fear and anxiety. In the end you will feel a lot better. You might get an A grade if you try and not trying always leads to failure-an F. Next week more on anxiety and coping.
I turned to alcohol for an escape. You are not alone.
Lil Orphan,
Interesting theory. I agree that secrets play a huge part in a psychopaths ability to control. I know when I was was young I hid a lot of the of the abuse out of shame and embarassment and I craved to appear to be part of a ‘normal’ family. It was the same with the P I had the affair with. He targeted me BECAUSE I was married as he knew that once he had hooked me I would be trapped in a lie.
I think that when we grow up in such disordered environments our brains start to block out a lot of the bizarre behaviour as a kind of survival mechanism. I did not remember that my mother tried to strangle me until years later. Even though we learn to block things out, our sub-concious minds are in turmoil and fear and I think that is what brings on an anxiety disorder.
Swallow
In his book, “Emotional Intelligence” Dr. Goleman (that is the correct spelling) talks about the parts of our brains that respond to what we think might be an emergency/danger, the message (sight sound etc) gets to this part of our brain first before it gets to the thinking part…it stores memories of trauma, even memories that we don’t know about consciously, and if anything even trips our trigger to a part of something that reminds us of that prior trauma, we react to it emotionally even before we can think about it.
I had read about “unconscious” memories etc before but they never made sense to me. He explained it so that it was understandable and backed up the medical research that had been done by “traumatizing” rats and then isolating this part of the brain from the rest of the rat’s brain, and the rat responded to the prior trauma even though he could have had no conscious memory of it. He also cited people who had injuries to that part of the brain or that had been surgically (not for experimental purposes but for medical reasons) had that part of the brain isolated. Their conscious memories were gone, but they still responded to “triggers.”
That might account for why we are “triggered” so often by things that remind us of the P, or some situation with them.
It sounds too, as if this part of the brain houses our “ancestral evolutionary fear factors” that are built in–i.e. it is our “gut” telling us to “beware” of a situation when our conscious mind sees no danger, or over rides it…negates it and doesn’t listen.
The chemistry and biology of the brain fascinates me (can you tell?) LOL
The different parts of our brains, that evolved at different times, each has a different function, and they communicate with each other and with our senses and our emotions. My take on it is that trauma (via the stress it produces) messes up these connections, communications, chemicals and functioning…which would account for the symptoms, both emotional and physical, of PTSD, and other trauma associated problems.
Just as if we had a broken leg, it takes TIME and rest to heal the bone, and I think it takes time and rest (peace) to heal our brains/minds/souls.
If we have an “old injury” that we haven’t properly healed, I think it would make us more vulnerable to the Psychopath, who can pick us out of the “herd” just as a lion picks out the wildebeest from a herd of 5,000 animals, by noting the small, almost invisible “limp” it has and knows that that animal will be easier to bring down than the ones without the slight limp.
Just as a lion cub learns by experience that chasing the more healthy ones doesn’t give him much success, he learns to look for that “limping” animal that will give him more success. He may “lunge at” the entire herd, just to see them run, so that he can pick out his prey, but he doesn’t concentrate on the ones that don’t “limp.”
But after an animal has had a close call with a lion, and gotten away, and survived…that animal will watch for lions 24/7 and be a lot more cagey and less likely to be caught off guard again. He will not ignore the sound that might be a lion again. He will be vigilent and cagey…and so will we.
BTW when a broken bone heals right, IT IS STRONGER THAN IT WAS BEFORE!
“
Ox Drover,
Thanks for your comments, it all makes perfect sense. I have heard of the book Emotional Intelligence book think I’ll get it.
Swallow
rperk,
I totally agree with Free, stop beating yourself up about your behavior under stress in the past. I don’t think there is a one of us here on this board that can stand up and wave when someone says “who in this room didn’t act crazy while with or just after leaving the P?” I know that I can’t stand up and wave to that question.
Forgiving yourself is an important part of the healing process. ((((hugs))))))
Free-I am working on it. Sometimes when family members or anyone else brings it up or makes cruel comments, it brings the shame feelings up all over again. I have grown alot and hope to continue to do so. Thank you and Ox. I truley am trying. But you know, some days….
rperk, you are definately not alone. everyones behavior changed when they were with the P. i have always been a person who pushed down their anger and wouldn’t speak up. when i was with him i didn’t speak up but i couldn’t supress the anger anymore. i think it just too much too put up with. So I started punching and kicking the inanimate crap out of the walls. it was very embarressing when the police came over once.
li’l orphan, i really like your theory. it reminds me of so many times when people who encountered my parent’s insanity would ask me what they meant and I would explain it in the detailed way i understood it that anyone else would just dismiss as an excuse or further insanity. I think growing up we accept the P’s and S’s but in turn we crave their acceptance and can never get it. when we encounter new P’s and S’s we fall for their baited rejection and are compelled to do what it takes hoping that they will one day accept us. Also I think being lied to so often growing up makes it harder for us to discriminate between lies and the truth. just thinking of all the illogical things i was forced into going through as a child just because he said so. at first i was befuddled but i learned to turn that off.
Swallow: I believe I was also “chosen” by the Thief because I was married; it makes it a perfect situation (for him). He expects you won’t tell anyone because then you’ll look bad, and who wants that? HIS then wife (I believe he’s working on number four) was his cover of the so-called “normal” life and those of us he would see (and he still does, even in the new country he’s in) on the side feeds the insanity of whom he really is. I had mentioned one of his “friends” being killed by her husband for cheating on him; I could not imagine having that on my conscience. But he does, and he goes along on his merry way every day.
The childhood trauma is something that I’m not sure of yet; which incident? Dismissive father, depressed mother? I’m not remembering any actual physical abuse, except spankings with a paddle (which we would have to sign afterwards).
Maybe that is coming up for me; if so, I’m going to have to really be geared up for that enlightenment. It’s like climbing that next hill in a row of hills; you know there is more to do, but you concentrate on the hill you’re on, then it’s all downhill (in a good way) for a while, and then you gear up for the next challenge.
I’m a little scared, but looking forward to the journey.
Rperk,
“When someone else brings it up”
You know when people do this, they are INTENDING TO BE CRUEL–they are NOT your friends. Therefore, why worry about what they think? or even be polite to them?
“Oh, Rperk, remember when you got drunk and got those DUI? Have you gotten any more of those lately?”
“Why, Sue, whyever would you say something so hateful tome?” (watch her mouth fly open, and her start to back-step) “Oh, I didn’t mean anything, I was just concerned about you.”
Whereupon you may reply to her, “Why, Sue, I’m an adult, you don’t need to concern yourself with my activities. How about if the next time I get a DUI I call you for bail money, and if I don’t call and ask for bail money, you can be assured I’m not arrested.”
These people only do this because they know that you will feel ashamed and it makes them feel “better” to make you feel bad.
Ann Landers had a stock answer for people who asked inappropriate questions. “Now why in the world would you ask something like that?” Then walk away.
Those “snide” remarks that are asked or commented about are pure poison to our souls. By sitting still and letting these harpies peck at our wounds, we are allowing them the license to abuse us just as we did the Ps. I for one and not going to allow snide remarks made by “friends” or relatives just for their amusement. Been there, done that. Don’t need it any more. I want people in my life who will encourage me, not berate me for something that happened when I was 16 or 12 or 32.
Back when my husband was alive, I had the “no asshole” rule around here, and did set limits (on people who were not members of my immediate family at least) and one day an older lady was having dinner with us, her son who was 45 at the time was also there, and I can’t even remember what set her off on a tirade but she started in talking to him like you would talk to the neighbor’s dog after it tore up and scattered your trash—all about how he had smoked marijuana when he was 15 for goodness sakes—the man sat at my dinner table and you could physically see him “wilt” like flowers placed in hot boiling water, as her tirade started to really get “into it.”
I looked at her with my “stern look of disapproval” (that’s what my kids used to call it LOL) and told her in no uncertain terms that if she had nothing better to talk about at my dinner table that she could go elsewhere. She reacted like I had hit her with a bucket of cold water, but she was NEVER unpleasant again in my home. She stopped her tirade (which I think was just getting wound up) that moment.
If I had been at her house, I would have immediately gotten up, in the middle of the meal, without saying a word, picked up my purse and started for the door. If she had asked me where I was going, I would have stated, that I had not come there to dinner to hear her berate her 45 year old son (who is an upstanding human being by the way) for the fact that he smoked MJ when he was a kid.
When we tolerate ugly outbursts in “social” settings we enable these people to “get away with” that type of behavior because they think that no one will “object” and that because they have an “audience” they can get away with it.
Even if you don’t feel comfortable “speaking up” or “speaking back”—just don’t say anything and LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. They will get the idea quickly. IF they “ask” why you are leaving, maybe just state that “the kind of conversation you are having makes me uncomfortable.” Then Go! But you do not have to tolerate it, or to make you feel ashamed. THEY are the ones being inappropriate to say something that they KNOW will make you uncomfortable or put you down. You don’t have to tolerate it. If they DO care about you, they will apologize (sincerely) and STOP treating you poorly, if not, you haven’t lost anything valuable.
(((hugs))))
OxD: I like your way of thinking. My mother-in-law has been verbally berated by her husband in many different ways since I met them years ago (and probably long before that). Kind of like the 45-year-old son incident with you.
Until recently, I would just sit by and not say anything. I still don’t speak up much, but I don’t allow myself to be in their presence often enough to hear the garbage coming from his mouth. I will walk away.
I’ve done that in other situations that I would normally have just put up with and it feels good to remove myself from the assault.
As usual, a really good post.