According to the National Institutes of Mental Health, “anxiety is a normal reaction to stress. It helps one deal with a tense situation in the office, study harder for an exam, keep focused on an important speech. In general, it helps one cope. But when anxiety becomes an excessive, irrational dread of everyday situations, it has become a disabling disorder.” Put another way anxiety is supposed to help us. The parts of the brain that produce feelings of anxiety are similar to the parts of the brain that process pain, another negative emotion. Anxiety and its cousin pain help us by signaling danger and causing us to avoid. Their job is to inhibit behavior. The part of the brain that processes pain and anxiety is called the Behavioral Inhibition System or BIS.
I have observed that anxiety is the single biggest obstacle to recovery from a pathological relationship with a sociopath (psychopath). The aftermath of these relationships leaves a person with terrible anxiety, dread and when anxiety/dread is overwhelming, avoidance sets in. Avoidance coping leads people to withdraw from life and responsibilities and the result is only more anxiety. A vicious cycle sets in where anxiety leads to avoidance, avoidance behaviors get us in trouble, that trouble leads to more anxiety, that anxiety leads to even more avoidance”¦and so on.
Why is a pathological relationship different from all others? Why is the anxiety experienced afterward so profound? I think the roots of the anxiety have to do with 6 things:
1. During the relationship, mind games, undermine a person’s confidence.
2. During the relationship the victim is intentionally isolated from potential sources of support.
3. During the relationship the sociopath/psychopath does things that harm the victim’s relationships with significant people in his/her life.
4. The break-up of any relationship causes anxiety, conflict laden relationships more so.
5. In the aftermath many victims face financial problems.
6. In the aftermath many victims face legal problems.
O.K. , I admit the anxiety is caused by a total destruction of the framework of a person’s life!
I think that our psychological defenses can operate so well that many people underestimate the degree to which anxiety influences their behavior and the level of avoidance coping they engage in. The best indicator of anxiety, in my opinion is this avoidance coping.
Just what is avoidance coping? Avoidance coping means that a person denies or minimizes the seriousness of a situation. He/she uses a self—protective strategy and actively suppresses stressful thoughts. Most importantly, behaviorally speaking avoidance coping means an avoidance of tasks that might in anyway remind us of the stressor and avoidance of doing many of the tasks of life. Since avoidance coping requires so much mental energy, there is not enough left for getting work done. Instead, people tend to get satisfaction through other activities like eating or watching TV.
I got to thinking about avoidance coping this week because I tutor a 15 year old in math and he described his own behavior which is a good example of avoidance coping and its consequences. I hadn’t seen this student for about a year. I worked with him for several years and the last time I saw him he was in 8th grade and was doing very well in that he could solve simple algebra problems. Now in 9th grade, he is failing math so his mother called me. When I tested him, he had regressed. He could not do any of the tasks he could do easily only a year ago.
I asked him what happened. He said, “The things I know I do. When I don’t get something, I don’t want to do it. I get home and feel like I would rather ride my bike, so I do. Then I don’t do my homework.”
The point I want to make to you, is that I worked with him for only an hour and he got a 93 on the next test! Due to this victory, he feels a great deal less like avoiding. So I ask you, are there things you are avoiding that you could actually succeed at if you just stop avoiding? Wouldn’t an A grade at some task that you are avoiding boost your confidence and serve you better than that nagging feeling you are not doing the stuff you are supposed to do.
My student’s mother has some negative words for her son’s motivation. She says he is lazy etc. She just does not understand the degree to which anxiety is producing his dysfunctional behavior. He doesn’t outwardly appear anxious, though inwardly he is. Just that little contact with me reduced his anxiety enough to help him face that which he had been avoiding. Just like my student, even when we don’t appear anxious, our avoidance behaviors often lead to further damage to our already damaged relationships.
If you are avoiding too much, I encourage you to stop avoiding. Confront those tasks that are causing you dread, fear and anxiety. In the end you will feel a lot better. You might get an A grade if you try and not trying always leads to failure-an F. Next week more on anxiety and coping.
“The chemistry and biology of the brain fascinates me (can you tell?) LOL”
OxDrover we share a passion for I too am fascinate by this topic.
“It is our brains, which drives the passion of our souls”.
Strange that in the story of the Wizard of Oz the three sub characters had something missing in them.
Scare crow a brain.
Tin Man a heart
The Lion, courage.
But in the end of the story each found that they indeed possessed these gifts themselves. That it only took a wise man to show them how to access them. In fact isn’t this what is happening here with us? That we lost (or thought we lost) ours brains, hearts and the courage to go on. Only to find with the help of others that we still possess these “gifts” and that all is needed is for them to be reawaken in each of us….
Well for me, I am off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz’s and hope many of you with join me in my journey…
“But, during the time with the sociopath, I wasn’t there for him. Not one second that counted to him. I was there in body, just not in spirit. I felt so much guilt. I cried and I prayed for forgiveness. I couldn’t bear the shame.”
I feel that I to did this. These people (sociopaths) demand so much of our time, money and energy that so little is left over for our children.
So that I to must share in the guilt and shame of my actions.
May they someday forgive me so that I can forgive my self?
May God also forgive me…?
rperk,
Of course you believed him when he said he cared about you and he just needed to get his life together!!
This, and the worries about what repercussions there might be on your child for your behavior of that time, are just indications that you are blessedly normal, possessed of good conscience, caring and thoughtful.
These qualities are your road map out of that place, and away from the drinking that you used to try and find a way to cope with such strong feelings.
Being a person with strong convictions and excessive conscience is not easy. It’s not for the feint of heart. It does mean getting trampled sometimes, getting taken for granted, being deceived by those who are not like you.
Which means that you just have to be careful to trust and instill proper boundaries to protect your giving, trusting, caring heart.
But none of what you wrote is at all indicative of things that are bad about you. In fact, they are what I call our “saving graces.” Because they usually come with good initial instincts – instincts that can save our lives, in every way.
“actually believed him when he said he cared about me and thought he just needed to get his life together with my help of course, then he would see me and “claim” me as his lady. I was so very wrong and I KNEW IT. Knowing that and continuing to put up with it and his lies made me so very angry at myself that I felt like I could not cope, and being a single parent for lots of years and not taking proper care of my son is what my excuse was for the drinking. It temporarily helped me to forget what a mess I had made out of my life and also my sons. I am trying to put my past mistakes behind me, it is the only thing I can do. Did I learn? Yes. Was it a crappy lesson? Yes. Would I want to do it again? Hell no. Did it make me a bettr person? No, just wiser. But I am trying to move on and some days it is difficult. Some days are very good and I am going to focus on those days. “
James!!!
Wonderful, the Wizard of Oz analogy is GREAT! That’s exactly what we lost, our brains, our hearts, and our courage! They were still there, but we just didn’t know it.
Healing is to recover and rediscover our brains, hearts and our courage.
I love analogies, as you probably know, but this is one of the best ones I have heard about what happens to US. Thanks for sharing! (((hugs))))
Free & LilOrphan-Thank you, I guess sometimes I need the friendly reminders. I know I will forgive myself, as Free said, my son also needs to see that, he needs to learn the positive things too.
Just a note, my son is doing so much better and he is also working on his self confidence. Like they say after pregnancy, it took you nine months to gain the weight, it will take you double that time to get back to your original weight with alot of hard work. I was hoping the same did NOT apply with the aftermath of a P. It’s like hurricane Katrina.
rperk,
Good analogy–Hurricane Katrina—it devestates our entire lives, blows away our confidence, drowns our souls in pain! Yes, it does take time to clean up and rebuild.
I drove by the area one mile north of me that had 15 houses completely blown away about two weeks ago by a tornado. There were so many volunteers there, with tractors, hoes and shovels, and bull dozers, that almost all the “mess” is already cleaned up, and people are living in RVs where their homes once stood. It made me feel good that the volunteer response was so good.
I think sometimes our lives are like that tornado or hurricane devestation…at first the debris is scattered everywhere, but we have to start picking up and disposing of the trash, cleaning up, and then we can rebuild. It takes time, especially when we are in “shock” after the “storm.” Everything looks ugly and terrible…but in order to rebuild we have to clean it up, and that’s part of the healing as well.
(((Big Hugs)))) to you and hang on, I can see from your posts, that you are making progress…
That is a great analogy, rperk. They sweep into your peaceful life, suck you up in their crazy drama, and deposit you somewhere about a million miles from where you normally call home.
That’s why I liked the Oz analogy, too. When it’s all over, you realize that everything you ever really needed you already had before they came along, and there is no place like home (inside of you, living with your values and way of thinking, rather than their disordered way).
Dorothy grew in her journey to Oz, discovering that she already had everything she and the characters she met needed – but she couldn’t use these gifts and integrate them before she had faith in herself. That was key.
On this board, I see you, me and all of us learning to use our gifts and to trust them. We’re all headed home.
Ain’t it the truth, Free!?!!!!!!!
At one point I was prepared to let them run me out of my home, or to stay here and live in terror. NO MORE–NO MAS!!!
This week has been a great boost to my esteem too, in that I FOUGHT THE CROOKED LEGAL SYSTEM AND WON! If I had not raised hell with the parole board they would have let him out into a half-way house when it is EXPRESSLY PROHIBITED by act 679 of the Arkansas code—which says that “NO convicted sexual offender will be housed in a transition unit” (half way house) and since he has NO other place to go and no funds, and no transportation…that only leaves one place for him–PRISON until his full time expires.
Since he has an extensive sheet of sexual offence CONVICTIONS I find it difficult to believe that the parole board didn’t know about Rule 679. I think they just thought that they could “get away with it” since there would probably never be anyone “notice” their violation of their own rules. But then, some big-mouthed old biddy stepped in and complained loudly and wrote the darned governor, and threatened to go to the media, and gosh darn, they realized they had “overlooked” rule 679, so they back tracked and denined his “release plan” into the half way house.
If they had just abided by their own rules there never would have been a question about letting him out into a half way house. BTW the Victim’s advocate lady, Diane, has been wonderful, she ran down for me the reason that they changed their minds and didn’t let him out. That woman is a godsend for sure. He would have been out last Friday if I hadn’t raised a ruckus! There was also one really nice lady who answered the phone at the parole board, Sandra, who was really sweet. I can’t say the same for the rest of the people I talked to. And, of course did not get the promised “call back” from the board member who made the original decision to let him out to the half way house. Can’t even find out his name…wonder why? LOL
Anyway, I too am kicking up my heels and saying “there’s no place like home” and I will be safe from the Trojan HOrse at least until August of 2010 when they have to release him. But I think 3 years in prison is better than less than a year, most of which was spent in jail.
I think on a rating of the worst prisons in the US, Arkansas ranks only above Louisiana and Mississippi for brutality of prison conditions, so “couldn’t happen to a nicer guy!” But they will teach him a “trade” Arkansas has between 2 and 3000 acres of cotton in the humid, mosquito ridden delta country that they work all by hand with convict labor very similar to the slavery days—with an overseer on a horse with a shot gun riding along keeping an eye on the convicts working the cotton in the hot mid day sun–so when he comes out I am sure he will know just how to hoe and pick cotton. I did some of that in my teenaged years and I know just how much “fun” it is, and also how valuable it is today as a way to make a living! So don’t say we don’t rehabilitate our crooks in Arkansas, we “sure ’nuff teach’em a trade.”
I probably shouldn’t be kicking up my heels on this so much, but gosh it is validating to for once “win” against the Ps and not have them totally get away with their plots and plans. He sat in the court room at our local county court and looked at me with a typical Psychopathic smirk of “I got you good, Lady.” and He DID get me good, but she who laughs last, laughs BEST…and I figure I got the last laugh on this one at the very least.
It also seems the X-DIL is already tired of waiting for him and has found herself another internet-sweetie to rescue her from having to take responsibility for herself and her own upkeep. I’m sure they will have a successful relationship of love and harmony–but whatever happens with that, he has lost the one contact he had on the outside that might have been willing to help him in any way. With zero resources and zero friends except people who are incarcertated, he is pretty much down and out. But wherever he goes if he fails to register his address as a sex offender, he will go back to prison for another 4 years. That’s a federal as well as state law.
I am hoping and praying that TrishNJ gets at least half as much satisfaction as I have and that her P runs out of resources and “forgiving” judges (READ: gullible)
You guys have a happy weekend, I am off to the airport to pick up a girlfriend who lives in Singapore who is coming to visit!
Click Click Click
Yes. What a result!!!
OxDrover
Thanks for sharing. Great to hear that sometimes the system can work for us.. Gives me hope!