According to the National Institutes of Mental Health, “anxiety is a normal reaction to stress. It helps one deal with a tense situation in the office, study harder for an exam, keep focused on an important speech. In general, it helps one cope. But when anxiety becomes an excessive, irrational dread of everyday situations, it has become a disabling disorder.” Put another way anxiety is supposed to help us. The parts of the brain that produce feelings of anxiety are similar to the parts of the brain that process pain, another negative emotion. Anxiety and its cousin pain help us by signaling danger and causing us to avoid. Their job is to inhibit behavior. The part of the brain that processes pain and anxiety is called the Behavioral Inhibition System or BIS.
I have observed that anxiety is the single biggest obstacle to recovery from a pathological relationship with a sociopath (psychopath). The aftermath of these relationships leaves a person with terrible anxiety, dread and when anxiety/dread is overwhelming, avoidance sets in. Avoidance coping leads people to withdraw from life and responsibilities and the result is only more anxiety. A vicious cycle sets in where anxiety leads to avoidance, avoidance behaviors get us in trouble, that trouble leads to more anxiety, that anxiety leads to even more avoidance”¦and so on.
Why is a pathological relationship different from all others? Why is the anxiety experienced afterward so profound? I think the roots of the anxiety have to do with 6 things:
1. During the relationship, mind games, undermine a person’s confidence.
2. During the relationship the victim is intentionally isolated from potential sources of support.
3. During the relationship the sociopath/psychopath does things that harm the victim’s relationships with significant people in his/her life.
4. The break-up of any relationship causes anxiety, conflict laden relationships more so.
5. In the aftermath many victims face financial problems.
6. In the aftermath many victims face legal problems.
O.K. , I admit the anxiety is caused by a total destruction of the framework of a person’s life!
I think that our psychological defenses can operate so well that many people underestimate the degree to which anxiety influences their behavior and the level of avoidance coping they engage in. The best indicator of anxiety, in my opinion is this avoidance coping.
Just what is avoidance coping? Avoidance coping means that a person denies or minimizes the seriousness of a situation. He/she uses a self—protective strategy and actively suppresses stressful thoughts. Most importantly, behaviorally speaking avoidance coping means an avoidance of tasks that might in anyway remind us of the stressor and avoidance of doing many of the tasks of life. Since avoidance coping requires so much mental energy, there is not enough left for getting work done. Instead, people tend to get satisfaction through other activities like eating or watching TV.
I got to thinking about avoidance coping this week because I tutor a 15 year old in math and he described his own behavior which is a good example of avoidance coping and its consequences. I hadn’t seen this student for about a year. I worked with him for several years and the last time I saw him he was in 8th grade and was doing very well in that he could solve simple algebra problems. Now in 9th grade, he is failing math so his mother called me. When I tested him, he had regressed. He could not do any of the tasks he could do easily only a year ago.
I asked him what happened. He said, “The things I know I do. When I don’t get something, I don’t want to do it. I get home and feel like I would rather ride my bike, so I do. Then I don’t do my homework.”
The point I want to make to you, is that I worked with him for only an hour and he got a 93 on the next test! Due to this victory, he feels a great deal less like avoiding. So I ask you, are there things you are avoiding that you could actually succeed at if you just stop avoiding? Wouldn’t an A grade at some task that you are avoiding boost your confidence and serve you better than that nagging feeling you are not doing the stuff you are supposed to do.
My student’s mother has some negative words for her son’s motivation. She says he is lazy etc. She just does not understand the degree to which anxiety is producing his dysfunctional behavior. He doesn’t outwardly appear anxious, though inwardly he is. Just that little contact with me reduced his anxiety enough to help him face that which he had been avoiding. Just like my student, even when we don’t appear anxious, our avoidance behaviors often lead to further damage to our already damaged relationships.
If you are avoiding too much, I encourage you to stop avoiding. Confront those tasks that are causing you dread, fear and anxiety. In the end you will feel a lot better. You might get an A grade if you try and not trying always leads to failure-an F. Next week more on anxiety and coping.
Guys, the avoidance, the lack of energy, etc can be from depression as well as anxiety. I think most of us would qualify as ” a major depressive episode” or two in our lives, some of us may have also had or have PTSD, and anxiety is probably a common component to many of us, and you are NOT LIMITED TO ONLY ONE OF THESE CHOICES—Add in a little bit of just ordinary grief and a dash of “bizarre behavior” and WA LA!! We are messes!
After my husband died in the plane crash, my son and I sat and looked at the walls for months, days went by when we didn’t bathe, we ate only to keep from dying, there was nothing we were interested in doing–the house became a pit. the only thing we did do was to feed the animals, but that was it. That went on about 8 months. No ambition to do anything except stare at the wall and cry.
But all is not lost, we don’t have to live that way the rest of our lives, we are aware we need to get all our buttons in a row and pull up on our socks and get ourselves out of this rut! There are a variety of medications that are cheap, safe, and a professional mental health provider willl be able to work with you if you do require medication to find the medication that is right for you. A therapist that is right for you and “gets” what a psychopath is or is willing to learn.
Oxy,
what are you doing up so late?
I have something to talk to you about. do you have time?
yEA, i GOT THE MONEY IF YOU’VE GOT THE TIME! (OLD SONG LYRICS)
Ok,
you can respond when or if you have time…
you posted about Matthew 18 at some point and I looked it up,
15 “If your brother or sister[b] sins,[c] go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ’every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.'[d] 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
I have been thinking about talking to a priest and bringing him to talk to my parents about their behavior and my sister and brothers behavior. I know that you did this with your mom and it was to no avail. The reverand you spoke with did no good -I vaguely recall and your mom is still an egg donor. Can you tell me more about the church pastor you spoke with?
I know (pretty sure) that I’m beating a dead horse. But I believe there is more to learn here. Just not sure what it is. It has to do with me and how I need to nail things down in black or white, I think. The parental unit thing is the hardest. Oxy, unlike you, I have no one else but my parents and my oldest sister who lives very far away.
My Bf s new and I’m not sure about him. I don’t want to give up on my parents, if I can find a way. My dad is a cut and dried narcissist. I think narcissists are cute. They don’t mean any harm, they are just selfish and really can’t think about others until you point it out. When I did, point out to my dad (and showed him) that he is oblivious to the feelings of others, he was shocked. He doesn’t fake anything. He just is. He cried. He’s 77. With my dad, he is truly repentant and sad, but it’s my mom that completely freaks me out. I can’t bring myself to drive a wedge between them, they just had their 50th anniversary. He loves her so much even though they fight EVERY DAY. He picks on her and she stabs at him. And then they just do what they need to do to make their lives better. she feeds him, he drives her where she needs to go, they feed my cats and clean the litter box and take care of the evil spath brother. They keep the spath brother in the basement. They say that he is their mess and they will clean it up, they won’t leave it to society to pick up after them. I was the one who told them to help him out. It was my sympathy that inspired them, but they are the ones doing the hard time.
When I first realized that everyone I know is a spath and told my mom about spaths and how they lie, she said, “then you mean that you think you are the only one who doesn’t lie….” then she stopped – as if catching herself revealing too much. I think she couldn’t believe that one of her daughters (the one who is the most worldly of all her kids – yes, I am kinda worldly and stupid) could be so naive.
Oxy, I’m so confused. You are the only one who has experienced any betrayal close to what I have. WTF?
Dear Sky,
Yes, I think the instructions in Matt 18 are good ones if the “brothers” are close to you and are Christians..the purpose is not to run them away from you, but to salvage the relationshipwith them, for them to see the error of their ways and for them to repent. I tried to talk to her privately. That didn’t worki. I went with witnesses, and that didn’t work. Then I tried the first minister, and that didn’t work. Then I tried a minister who was a friend from many years ago–and took with me witnesses who he had known a long time, respected and knew were honest men, and I also took documentation as proof of what had gone on.
He decided after hearing all of this that I was in “no danger”—which meant, I think, that he had gone to my egg donor privately (after saying he would not) to talk t6o her and she had convinced him I was crazy. I had requested that he go with WITNESSES and with me, so that she would not be able to lie in the face of witnesses who knew the truth.
Well, I think that I did the best I could have done to remedy the situation, and made all the steps suggested in the Bible, both by Jesus and my St. Paul. Paul ended his advice to after that “don’t even eat with them.” I think that is pretty much NC.
My conscience is clean in any case. I did the best I could, she wouldn’t listen to me, and she wouldn’t listen to witnesses, and I couldn’t get the “church” to listen to me, so I stopped attending that congregation. They took in the sex offender (though he lied about his offense) but they drove me out as a liar when I told them his real crime….with proof about it.
That’s also something that surprised me. I haven’t lied to my mother since I was about 15, and she hasn’t accuesed me of lying to her, but when the Trojan HOrse and the DIL-P and my son C are all lying to her about me, she refuses to believe a word I say, and when I give her DOCUMENTARY PROOF of the criminal record of the TH-=P, she calls me a liar. LOL At the time it was tearing me apart to not be believed, but now I actually just sort of shake my head and am amazed at the lack of judgment all of them showed in who to believe.
Sky, you can go and talk to the priest and maybe (1) He will believe what you say (2)he will go and talk to your parents, (3) AND MAYBE THEY WILL BE CONVINCED or (4) they will convince the priest that YOU ARE NUTS, and that your mental illness and unfounded accusations toward their sainted selves is the cross that they must bear.
Once you have made (and I hate to be a nay sayer) but failed to get any positive result (your parents’ ages are also against any changes at this time) you have done the best that you can do. Family counseling would be in order if they were willing, but my guess is again that they will not participate, but if they don’t do that, then what are your plans?
I’m down to my adopted son and my self for family, so we can’t even get up a good card game between us, but fortunately, I do have lots of good friends! It would mean that the entire STATUS QUO of your family’s life would have to change, Sky, and I sincerely doubt that is going to happen, I wish I were more hopeful, but you might talk to the priest and see what he says. ((((Goood luckj))))
Ox,
your quote:and anxiety is probably a common component to many of us, and you are NOT LIMITED TO ONLY ONE OF THESE CHOICES—Add in a little bit of just ordinary grief and a dash of “bizarre behavior” and WA LA!! We are messes!
That’s been me!! add perimenopause to that wonderful mess also. But at least this article explains it to the T!!! AH HA moment for me!!!!
soimnotthecrazee1!
Boy do I wish I could find somebody here like Dr. Leedom to go to for treatment. She so “gets” it!
Soimnotthecrazee1!
Yeah, this is eye opening. I have always been prone to depression, but never really thought of myself as anxious. My Mom had full blown anxiety attacks that terrified her, made her think she was having heart attacks. So, that was what I thought anxiety was.
But avoidance coping…Oh yeah. I Nanny my grand kids and watch TV and eat. That is my life. I have some unpleasant tasks ahead of me that I am dreading….and avoiding, but because of this article I will take action today, and quit procrastinating.
Morning Kim!
Isn’t this so validating? It’s like yes… yes…. yes… I knew I’m not crazy!!!
Anxiety can cause “panic” attacks (your mom) but as you read it can get you so wrapped up in that cycle that you can’t get out. I have come to the conclusion that this is what I need to be treated for. It almost makes you agoraphobic. I have had some situational anxiety before and my primary treated me. After this life altering experience with the xspath I need to see a mental health professional for this vicious cycle. I will try and find one. I have a list from my health insurance, just too much anxiety and no patience to try and weed through it and find somebody that “gets” it. I get stuck at this point! and go back to the vicious cycle.
Soimnotthecrazee1!
Just do it, not crazy. No more procrastinating.