Researchers at Yale University developed studies to answer the question: Do babies have a sense of right and wrong? What they came up with may surprise you.
Read The moral life of babies, on NYTimes.com. Be sure to watch the video.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
In a work environment where she has power over you……and you need your job…..
KISS HER ASS! Kill her with kindness……and find some ‘common’ ground…..fake it till you make it!
None of it will be genuine……but you can either fight with her or head her off……
Boost her ego, smile graciously, do as she asks in front of her….and ‘play’ her game…and teach your classes with the same ethical,caring manner you have always.
Make efforts to ‘bump’ into her in the lunchroom or her favorite restaurant……
Make her think YOU have something she wants/needs….affection of other peers, something…find something….
If your gonna continue to work under her, your gonna have to figure out how to do this.
Silver and Wini have offered excellent advice……
good luck……try to minimize this….and not let it distract you from your vision!!!
Woke up at 4am anxious about my next step.
Looked up the state’s common core of teaching. She cited “professional responsibility” domain. Boss wrote,
“I support your efforts to improve our school and support students in all its dimensions and ask that in all ways you follow the procedures we have agreed on”
One union rep said this is not saying I did anything wrong. It’s general so can’t be used against me because she doesn’t actually say I didn’t follow a specific procedure, and he told me to leave it alone.
Her supervisor, asst principal, told me to have a dialogue with her about what procedures we have agreed on that I did not follow. If she says “ABC”, then I can ask her to make it specific in the eval, and then I can respond to it. Right now there is nothing to respond to because she doesn’t say I did anything wrong. Or I can ask her to take it out since we dealt with it, but she doubts that chair would do that since that’s how she sees it. Or I can leave it alone.
Boss was mad that a sales rep contacted the principal about teacher training I inquired about to write a grant proposal, and sent a pissy email to principal and me “I have no idea what this is about” Then I clarified that I am taking a class, and the assgt. is to write a grant, I was doing research and getting prices and told rep NOT to call principal but he jumped the gun. She replied with cc to principal a positive thing it’s good I am doing that, but the email has disappeared from my inbox (they can be retracted so I think she may have). This email showed we cleared the miscommunication, then I followed procedure by asking to be added on agenda for dep. meeting, asking her permission to visit another school, then presenting to the dep, and also in her absence, she let me lead a discussion at a prof. devel. department meeting, which I did fine and she thanked me afterwards. With all this that I did RIGHT, I am puzzled why she’d pick on and what she is finding WRONG.
This could be a way around the issue: I had to write a questionnaire for the chair about several questions, none of which info she included. It is my self-eval this year, so I can ask that I feel proud of my commitment and would really like some of those things included, and does she mind if I attach the questionnaire too. I listed that I taught Project Opening Doors, take grad classes, write grant, shop for ideas at other school, taught yoga to kids and staff, and forgot to say kids chose me as teacher of the month is school paper. These are all true things and positive, and I can ask nicely that I’d like acknowledgement of my extra dedication and commitment.
THEN I can also ask what is this about procedures, and nicely clarify but I did follow procedures and you emailed back appreciation–Since we talked about it, it sticks out like sore thumb in formal eval. I’d really appreciate it if you’d consider taking that part out or rephrasing it more positively.
Silver, I want to protect myself from future harassment by addressing this–but tactfully.
ErinB, I can’t do a$$ kissing! I get physically upset when I am near her–heart pounds, can’t breathe–but I can work hard to stay super nice.
Wini–my union is very weak. I already brought in a union rep when I had the meeting with boss and her boss about her raised voice, except the rep is BOTH our reps since the chair is also a teacher. I felt Id rather have another witness just in case–this threatened her a lot.
Dancing,
Have you ever read Dale Carnegie’s How to win friends and influence people? Now might be a good time.
Carnegie’s point and mine is that your words are as potent as a loaded gun and you may be shooting at this woman without realizing it which added to her temperament and behavior doesn’t sound like a good combination.
Remember, the disordered love to be adored. You protect yourself by working on your language. Not what you communicate, but how you say it. Remember not to ask yes or no questions and to answer some of her questions with questions and always walk away with more information than you give. NEVER EVER say BUT, use and instead. Learn to use the weapon BECAUSE but never refer to your personal situation.
Tactfully might include that you’d like to include some additional work you did like you mentioned above so SHE can get credit for encouraging you to do it in HER review. Give away credit up line whenever you can. If yo are lucky, she will get promoted to her level of incompetence and out of your school! LOL!
oh additionally, ALWAYS have a witness and a rep who stands for both of you has a conflict of interest. Get another one.
Silver,
She was a chair at the middle school and was moved a few yrs back to the high school. Now I’m paranoid she’ll read me posting here (big brother is watching).
I agree about the loaded gun. I wrote an assertive email about the ap summer rdg. assgt. she bothers me every year–I wanted her to leave me alone for good. Do you think it’s too harsh to say “I’d like to put the question to rest”? I followed with “I’m willing to talk to you more if you have further concerns” but she never even replied.
I’ll read How to win Friends, thanks. I have it.
Since I told her this afternoon I had a question about a part of the eval, she is probably on guard now plotting strategy to deflect my question.
I think approaching her with a thank you for her support. How do I say so SHE can get credit for encouraging me in HER review without sounding transparent? How would SHE get credit exactly?
Silver,
Re. a rep. She is not an administrator so she is in the teacher union. She is one of US. She teaches 3 classes and is a chair. There is no different union rep.
Dancing.
I can give suggestions, I can’t figure it all out because I really don’t know how your business works and I am not in the profession.
Sorry, I really don’t know how to be more specific.
Maybe the book will help- best I can do for you here. Maybe someone else has more experience in the situation than I do.
all in all I wish you best.
Dancing: one shy question: do you have enough power to go for a two front war? Usually Spaths strike when they think the victim is at its weakest point! (cowards!!)
Is your divorce in a stage where you are the mere “administrator” and can let your lawyer do the things, or have you have to be in command there too?
Then I would suggest that you become a gray rock in the working place. The reaction of your boss has nothing personal to do with you, she feeds on your emotions. Do not give her ANY! Just be composed, do your job, do as if it not happened, imagine your creepy worm of a boss in a big plexyglass bubble, you see the mouth move, but you do not hear her words, they can’t reach you. By your behaviour you will drive her crazy. When she turns up in your class trying to belittle you, just turn with a sweet smile to her and say: “well Mrs XY, you see I am in class, please leave, I will call you later.” Do no listen as you can’t hear her in her bubble.
80 % of conversation is non verbal; stay in front of a mirror and have your head up and shoulders back! And always remember: it is not about you! You are just the wrong person in the wrong place and in a play you did not choose, and you have to play along a script you do not like. And it is a shame that it is about children and THEIR future and not about worms in plexyglassbubbles trying to get ego-strokes!!
I do not know whether this is any helpful, but it helped me a lot in a similar situation, that it was not about me, but my boss had other motives (his girlfriend to have my position), and was on the way to destroy me for it.
I would solve one problem after the other: first divorce, then job. (you need the job for the cash! Think of getting payed for an Oscar-performance ;-)). I think a two front war would be too much (at least for me).
Wow, interesting posts. I’ve tried to get on this thread to even read for 2 days, computer problems wouldn’t let me on a thread with more than a very few comments.
Dancing warrior, Wini has been through persecution with her Ps at work, and sometimes you know what is happening and still can’t stop it. The book review I wrote about “gaslighting” is a GREAT book to help you with this kind of abuse at work, gives some great examples and helpful hints for surviving. I do suggest that you get a copy. Amazon dot com has used copies for just a couple of bucks.
Psyche, if I have offended you in any way, I am truly sorry, I was in now way “mocking” anyone and am very concerned about the very emotional poster which is why I suggested she seek professional help ASAP. There is only so much one can do. As for the other poster who took down her post, she apologized for what she said and that is all any of us can do. I also give her the benefit of the doubt, actually she has made I think great progress since she has come here.
As for Jazzy, I would have responded to her if I could have gotten on the thread. This isn’t a “chat” room, so sometimes responses are delayed for hours or days, but it is the communnity culture here to “welcome” new posters and to respond to questions, concerns etc. but slip ups do occur.
DancingWarrior, Libelle is correct. They do go after you when you are at your weakest point in life. If she knows you are in the middle of divorce, that’s why she made her move to bully you in front of the children. And, make no mistake, she is a BULLY. My bosses went after me within months of my ex-husband’s death. They knew we were still close and knew we were always in contact with each other. They also pounced on me when they found out my mom was dying of lung cancer. I’d like to know if there is a book or website out there that all the evil ones in the world know this MO?
I could have told you your union was weak. Hence, why the school system is in the mess it is today. No offense to any teachers in the world, you are the unsung heroes … and I have many in the profession in my own family, plus, my entire circle of friends is teachers or recently retired teachers.
Back to protecting yourself. Please ensure the least you do is write on your evaluation that you do not agree or UNDERSTAND why she wrote what she wrote on your evaluation. That will force her to clarify herself. If she doesn’t, it becomes mute. If she does clarify it, then you can write a rebuttal and always write that you HAVEN’T A CLUE WHY SHE IS PICKING ON YOU OUT OF THE BLUE … or NOW … if you get my drift. Ensure in your writing, all this just started right now and you would like it resolved before it gets out of control. This way, she’s on the DEFENSE … she has to explain herself in writing. If she’s really arrogant, her writing will provide that evidence. If she’s gets herself under control, she’ll just do another generic answer. Call her on the generic answer and keep requesting she explain herself. She will not without blowing her cover.
If you need to file a grievance after that … I’m sure you’ll let us know. Right now, just ensure you question your evaluation and why she wrote what she wrote. This way, it keeps the window open for a grievance to be filed on that issue, since she is refusing to come clean and explain herself.
I’m telling you this because you don’t want her type of evil to permeate your working environment that it makes you sick just thinking about going to work.
Basically, you are killing her with kindness and acting like you have no idea why she would write what she did on your evaluation. Any time anyone is around the two of you, make sure you are professional at all times … plaster that smile on your face … this way, any witness will have to testify that you were smiling, you were happy etc. Keep notes, who, what, where, when. If someone was out on vacation or sick day, write that detail down. This way if it ever goes further, an arbitrator will have to know you really wrote those notes on that date and time … because how would you know so and so was out, or so and so was sick? That proves your credibility.