The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
I understand all that Dr. Leedom is giving as reasons why we are unable to get beyond our experience with a sociopath. I agree that depression has a lot to do with it. But from someone who has lived through the “trauma” of life with a sociiopath, I have to add that I believe it is the singlemost dramatic and horrifying experience of my life, including the death of loved ones. There is nothing that I can give you as an example, nothing that I could even make up including stories of unbearable physical torture, that could compare to the mental anguish and torture that sociopaths perpetrate on their victims. I am quite sure that I will never be the same person I was before I fell into his web of deceit and destruction.
I agree with all Dr. Leedom has said. I wish someone could wave
a wand over my head and make it all go away.
I haven’t gone for therapy because it is expensive and there was
no blood shed, I get tired of being told to “move on and don’t dwell
on this anymore”
Medicine turned me into a couch zombie and without it I cry.
I think us victims are our own best therapist because we know
what we know, and cannot convince others of the truth.
This man didn’t dangle diamonds in front of me, but twisted every detail of his problems and life around to make it seem I was the
unstable one. Investigations have since proven the truth, I have
been fortunate I am not his first victim or his last and there are
many in between, but I have been advised that I have done all
that I can do to recover. Depression and fear can be overcome
but it sure takes time. It has been eight months for me and the
fear seems to be subsiding, the depression, anger, rage, confusion is changing into motivation, exactly how I do not know, maybe just with time. The mental anguish is worse than
anything I could have felt from him if he were physically abusive.
I find that social support is a great help too, once I get out there
and have some fun, I find I have less anxiety at least for one
more day, and this experience is an hour to hour game of
survival, the opponent is gone. I do want an answer someday
though as to whether or not he has short term memory or does
he recall everything he did to his victims.
And how far in advance do these mentally ill perpetrators plan
the outcome, ie, buying the house, planning the trip, having an
affair, are they impulsive or do they know? From my experience
I can see that he planned it because I was his patient at his medical office and I remember the appointment where he didn’t wear his ring, took my arm and apologized for running late,
asked me to bring my dog by the office so he could see him,
returned medical calls late at night… and on and on. The thing
is I saw it coming but he had me frozen and I couldn’t do anything about it till the end, he was finally arrested and I was
set free.
I think the pathologicals are running an old time swindle. Similar to what carnival barkers and salesmen run, although they now call themselves CEOs and fraud fortune 1000 companies, in essence they are slimey pathological crooks bait and switch artists, junk peddlers, robbers and con men.
The old sucker con on wall street is to let a target win the first time, same with gambling cons, then after the first big win, the target is then robbed in all subsequent trades, the target throws good money after bad to try to RECOUP THIER LOSSES and get back to the intial win, that first win was staged by the pathological(s) as the bait.
The pathological plays the very same BAIT AND SWITCH game in love romance marriage cons because women and children are easy targets to the pathologicals sick mind, it is hard for targets to forget because instinctively the targets want to RECOUP THIER LOSSES, be they emotional losses or financial losses. So the targets ruminate to try to figure out a way to recover thier losses.
More frauds needs to be prosecuted in courts as pathologicals only understand cause and effect.
Also the worthless concept of ‘romance’ is the perfect cover for todays robbers. Crooks are having a harder time robbing in the 9 to 5 world so most of the predatory practice is going on after 5PM in the love romance marriage cons. To rob a womans paycheck, credit, signature, inheritance, etc is the primary goal of the pathological. Do a test, tell a patho you have an MBA and watch a pathological males eyes light up like a xmas tree.
Like pigs snorkling for truffles in the mud, todays pathological males are all looking for a working womans paycheck to rob, stealing her childrens milk and cookie money. That is the essence of a patholoigical male, stealing childrens milk and cookie money. As they age, pathological males can be found hanging out near schoolyards looking for 5 year olds at recess time.
Prison work camps and restitution paid to victims would be a good way to teach pathological males cause and effect, by forcing a pathological to pay restitution, a cause and effect message is sent to the pathological predator and parasitical male.
Targets ruminate to try to recoup thier losses in this old time bait and switch, predatory, love romance marriage con run by pathologicals. Fraud convictions and restitution would, I believe, ease some of the ruminating of those targeted by a pathological.
I am just starting the process of getting over a sociopathic relationship. It was 6 years in the making and he left 3 months ago with no warning–but with over 60,000 in gifts, cash and a new car he took from me. When I found out he had an affair, lied, cheated etc. I had a heart attack and am still trying to get out of the house. I have 3 children and a full time job, I am at risk for losing my job because I can not stop crying-my kids are due to come home for the summer from college and I am dreading it–I don’t want to leave my room. I have tried counseling, medication, hypnotism–nothing gets him out of my head. He blackmailed me, called me every name in the book and then would spend hours convincing me I was the “love of his life” the only one he would ever be with–I swear it feels like he cursed me. He is off with a new person as happy as can be and I am left in total devestation. I suffered for 6 years with his ups and downs, his ranting and screaming -mixed with charming talk of a future together. I had major surgery a year ago and he was not there for any of the testing–too busy out with friends. I needed him to help take care of me after the surgery and because he lived 60 miles away–the only way he would help was if I signed a loan on a car for him because of course he has no credit. Now I have no credit–no money-no relationship and can’t leave my house. I am full of anger, mistrust, jealousy and honestly–I feel I will never ever get over this. I have read everything, tried everything, I have no contact with him at all, am pursuing legal action to at least get the car back that is in my name–but I feel guilty for that–WHAT IS wrong with me???
Dear Soloflyer,
You said he left 3 months ago and
“I have tried counseling, medication, hypnotism”“nothing gets him out of my head.”
3 months is not long enough for the things you mentioned to work. Medication can take 6-12 weeks to begin to work. The question is, “Will you recover faster with medication and therapy?” I know that when you are suffering every minute counts.
Recovery starts with changing, “I can’t leave the house” to “I don’t want to leave the house” to “I will choose to do what will give me well-being”
If you make the right choices minute by minute, praise yourself for making good choices. Over time, the good choices will add up. I do not speak these words with any belief that what I propose is easy. I only know that, nearly everyone who recovers, does it this way.
Take comfort in knowing that others have also travelled this same path, and at the end there is peace and joy to be found.
Dear Soloflyer,
I’m a survivor of a sociopath and I wanted to give you some words of support. I dated a man for over 3 years and experience many of the same things everyone experiences with these types of people. The last time he moved out while I was at work and the kids were at school, so literally unexpectedly, was in January of 2007. When everything first came out about all of his lies about 2 years ago, I was completely devastated. I felt like I was falling and spinning at the same time, I didn’t even know which was up or what the real truth was. At that time I decided to stay, becasue I didn’t really know he was a sociopath and I didn’t even know what it meant. Over the last two years more and more lies came out and there were times I just wished he woudl leave. I was so distraught at times, I couldn’t even think straight. Each time he moved out I felt better and disconnected even more. The last time he moved out in February of this year, I was upset, sad, depressed, and discombobulated, but somewhre deep down inside I felt tremendous relief. My suggestion to you is to search you soul for those feelings that are the highest parts of yourself that tell you the truth about him and about yourself, the truth that says you are much better off without him. I still sometimes think about him, but then I go on the web and read blogs like this and my mentality changes immediately to a positive attitude about my self. I didn’t let him come back because I found the strength to search for the truth and ACCEPT that truth this time. You have to accept what you know about him as truth and once you do that you will begin healing. What helped me to do that was reading these blogs each and everyday, and I also started learning as much about the personality disorder as possible. One of the best newsletter I got is from tearsandhealing.com. By learning more and more about the disorder, I started to develop more and more personal power within myself. I had to read each and every day at first, several times a day, but now I only read maybe a couple of times a month to keep in tune. Time heals all wounds, give it some more time and work on yourself in the meantime. The stronger you are the faster you’ll heal and the more abundant you life will be.
Thank you for the words of encouragement—-I feel too old anymore to deal with this-I am 45—I have a beautiful home and 3 grown children which I almost completely lost the respect of because of him. He convinced me to do things I would never in a million years do–He said if I loved him I would—so I did–He would force me to have sex with his friends so he could watch and take pics–now he is using that as blackmail and threatening to mail them to my kids at college! I am beyond upset, heartsick and depressed as to what I let him do–what I believed in and how this all ended.
We recommend this book to all our victims:
http://www.emotional-rape.com/
Its worth a read.
Most of our victims say its about 18-24 months before things ease up.
I had a relationship with a sociopath which ended 3 months ago. I am no quite sure if i am depress or not, but I’ve been having a lot of up and down lately, mostly down. I will be fine for a couple of days, and suddenly I have a bad day or a silly fight with a friend or my mother, and then i start crying and cant stop. I dont really know what is happening to me. I feel fragile, like the smallest of things is enough to upset the balance. I cant seem to understand why it’s happening now, i was doing fine, most of the time, I am doing fine.
When you stop smoking, they say that the third week and the third month are the hardest. Maybe it’s the same when you leave a sociopath. I mean the first two months, I was so determined to move on and to stop being his victim, and now I just realize all the damages done to my sense of self, to my ability to relate to others and to move on, and i dont know what to do, i feel so lost
I am so glad I found this! I have been away from him for a year and a half. I had three therapy sessions about two months after I escaped with my children. The things that went on in the 8 years we were together are beyond description. I don’t even know how to explain it. Anyway I think I was in a “honeymoon” phase for quite a while after I left him and was just happy and relieved to be free. To this day I feel no anger towards him and what he’s done to me and the children. We all have nightmares, my oldest who suffered the most has been diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD, and my youngest seems to be ok. I started dating a man a few months after I left him and things are going very well.
My biggest problem is with fear. I worry incessantly about saying things to my man because I don’t want to make him mad or have him not want to be with me anymore. I know on one level that he’s not Him and not anything like personality wise. It’s the “replay” level that I can’t seem to get past. It doesn’t help that memories of “him” are triggered almost constantly now because of the ongoing legal processes for divorce/division of property/custody. He filed up where he’s from for everything. Jurisdiction was given to the state where I reside, he fought it a little, but never showed up for ANY court dates nor did he file answers to any of the custody filings. I now have sole custody with no contact of both our children, but it hurts so much to know that I lived with someone who would rather fight me for a house that I paid for and put my own labor into than to see the kids. On one hand I’m grateful that we’ll probably never have to deal with him b/c of visitation and such, but on the other hand… I don’t know why I can’t feel anger at his treatment of me or the kids, I pretend because I know that’s what’s expected, but I don’t. Can anyone offer me something to understand why this is?