The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
Stargazer: I am sorry about this situation with your favorite website.
A few months ago, I joined a singles site, never did that before and never will again. But after being on there for a while I would get these IM’s from this one guy, who would say strange things, such as my ex S would in a sorted way. He made reference to having had a wife who they had a loss of a child and she tried to stab him in the back blaming him. Once he said this I knew it was him. How sick. To get to me. To get me off of the site. He had a picture posted of someone else. But I am almost sure it was him. I never again answered his IM’s.
The next week he had a new photo, a new name, and a child pictured with him, to seem to be the legit. I talked with this new one a few times by IM, and when he tripped up and said his daughter, he told me earlier he had only one child it was a boy. I called him on it and told him to get lost I knew it was him. I no longer wanted to be there.
I understand the frustration and violation you are feeling.
I’m driving home from work this evening when it hit me all over again. He was sleeping with another woman the entire time. He used me and now he’s trying to destroy my life. How can he do this to me?
I know it’s because of what he is, but it’s so horrible, painful and unfathomable. There are days when my mind won’t wrap around it; when my heart breaks over and over again. I can’t wait for this to be over.
Sabinne – How did you find out that he filed harrassment charges? Did HE inform you? Because I would seriously consider the source if thats the case. I actually read somewhere about a case where the same thing happened and the judge ordered the victim to remove the website. I agree with whoever said that its unlikely anyone would take the case. Timeframe, different locals, credibility and the fact that the site no longer even exists! No Contact. No Contact. No Contact. Its so hard to wrap our minds around everything. But the first step is simply removing yourself from any contact or information. He cant ruin your life when is unable to be in control of informing you of anything in anyway. I actually am at the point where I feel so sorry for the other women in his life. And Im so glad Im no longer one of his pawns/puppets. Gain back control and dont allow any contact – make it be over – because you want it to be over. Your heart will break, your mind will be confused, but you will re-emerge with the help and support you reach out for. Even here at LF, everyone here has experienced the emotionally draining experience of an S/P. Eventually we start to heal – ever so slowly – when we commit to NO CONTACT.
learn,
I received the notice from the court in the mail. I just don’t understand why he’s doing this really. I did take it all down, I haven’t contacted him and I won’t. I think it’s revenge for finding out the truth and then exposing it, but it’s overkill. He’s already done enough damage that sometimes I wonder if it’s ever going to be possible for me to ever be whole again.
I know I’ll be smarter and stronger, but I don’t want to be. I want to be innocent, happy and loved. I will never be that now.
Sabinne – Wow! Im really surprised he went that route. Unless the site really infuriated him – GOOD FOR YOU for EXPOSING THE TRUTH. Theres never anything wrong with the truth except in the eyes of a S/P! Once this is all behind you – you will be a whole new and improved version on YOU!
Hey – how bout you’ll be smarter, stronger, happy AND LOVED by someone who is actually healthy and able to treat you with kindness and goodness. They are out there!!!!
In the meantime, just follow the instructions on the notice. With any luck he will not pursue it further — maybe was just a scare tactic? Maybe you can even call the county clerks office and ask them how they suggest you handle harrassment charges against you from someone you believe to have a mental illness.
Other than that, you have the best defense there is … the truth. You will absolutely get through this. Its just another way of him trying to have control over you. But HE CANT!!!
The truth won’t help me in court. They don’t want to know why I did it, they just want to know if I did. That’s it. He has an arrest record for domestic violence and my attorney says that not even that matters.
Funny, how the victims keep being victims and the perpertrators are able to destroy them over and over again.
There are multiple sites on places like Facebook and elsewhere – posted by women who have been wronged and victimized by men whom they believe to be S/P’s. One even list numerous wives, girlfriends. Alias names the guy has used. Photos of the guy, etc. Somehow that might be able to add to your defense.. There must be something somewhere that allows the truth to be told by victims. Maybe seek another attorney who supports victims of S/P’s. I agree that its awful that the victims have to always be advocating for themselves. But dont let it discourage you. This too shall pass.
learn,
I don’t think I’ll be getting out of this. I suppose all I can do is hope and keep breathing. I have no other options.
Sabinne, Im not sure if I agree with you. But time will tell. Who knows what will happen between now and then. Maybe he will end up in jail, or since you are do amazing by not reacting to it and contacting him, etc. perhaps he wont follow through (they are very well known for that!) I dont suppose that theres alot that will come out of it especially since you removed the site. Being hopeful and staying focused on your recovery from this ordeal will help you get out of whatever comes your way. Please keep giving updates. Hang in there!!
I would never contact him. I am hurt by realizing what he really is, but I’m not stupid. He enjoys this game and that’s about it. He loves watching me suffer and hurt. It’s what gives him pleasure. I simply have to get through this final torture and then I’ll be free. I’ll be broke, heart broken and afraid of love for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I dread the future so much I want to shower with a hairdryer. I really have no hope sometimes.