The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
Sabinne – Well youre already stronger/wiser than I am! Because Im not sure I could have contained myself and not had some kind of reaction like what in the world are you doing Ahole!!!!! But you are further along in that area!!! Yep you just have to get through this final bout and then be finished with this chapter. You are already FREE!!! And Are you a fortune teller?? :)) None of us can predict the future, so hold and sit tight – you may even be surprised – even 6mths to a year from now – you might look back and say look what I went through and how far Ive come! Something funny, for you, when I was little, my father had this thing about not turning the heat on in the house (he ran a local ice skating rink) and we think he enjoyed the temperature in the rink so much he wanted it at home, as well as wanting to save money. So my sister and I would literally sleep with our hairdryers on under our covers!!! :)) Did you smile yet? :)) Sabinne, I know how you feel, its seems so overwhelming and alot to deal with. But IT WILL GET BETTER. I felt the same way too. But we are getting through it day by day.
Sabinne, Are you being charged with dmv-harrassment, misdemeanor? Of course, if it is being handled thru the DA’s office it is not costing the socio a penny as the tab is being picked up on his end by the taxpayers.
Do you have any documentation in the form of saved voicemails or snailmail, such as notes, or any other documents that could be used as proof that what you alleged on the site is true? Or do you have anyone who could give sworn statements? If you do, I would certainly take that documentation with me as it might help your case. I would also go talk to a domestic violence advocate and see what they might advise you do in the way of preparing your defense as they might also have some good suggestions. I don’t know if Legal Aide handles things like this, but it seems to me it wouldn’t hurt to try to get some additional legal advice (a second opinon) to what your lawyer already told you.
I don’t know what the hell it is exactly. I think it’s a misdemeanor. I didn’t know he was doing this and I went through and deleted all traces of him from my life. I’m trying really hard to get some of the stuff back, but most of the stuff is simply unrecoverable.
All I have are his police records to show that he’s violent, but my attorney said it won’t really help me. She says I should have filed a restraining order against him. I would have but it would have been useless. I really thought he was done making my life hell. If he wants to hurt me, no restraining order would stop him. He’d do it or get someone that owes him to. My door was almost kicked down the same I week I busted his scam open by some guy who lives less than an hour from him. According to my attorney this doesn’t matter either. The law is not on my side.
Dear Sabinne,
First off ((((Hugs))))) BUT, you get a BOINK on the head for saying “I just want to shower with a hair dryer!” BOINK BOINK That’s three BOINKS for even thinking that way!!!! It is OK with me for you to have homicidal fantasies, but never suicidal ones! ((((hugs)))))
Yes, yes, YES! They make us “crazy” and it IS ALL SO FREAKING UNFAIR, and HE IS THE ONE WHO DESERVES A REAL HONEST TO GOODNESS “BOINK” ON THE HEAD OVER AND OVER AND OVER WITH A REAL IRON SKILLET, NOT THE CYBER KIND!
I do hope you have saved the voice mails and e mails or whatever evidence you can get together, and sounds to me like your attorney isn’t very empathetic…you might want ot seek anothe rone. Keep us POSTED, PLEASE! ((((hugs)))) and my prayers along with the BOINKS and as Jim said, “Say 10 Hail Oprahs and SIN NO MORE!”
Sabinne: Any chance of the ACLU helping? As a matter of free speech? Especially given that he appears to be a real piece of work.
This is when we really need to have “the system” educated about these losers. I am so sorry for your situation. I also agree that possible an advocate from the battered women’s shelter might be able to help.
Hugs to you. If this is a misdemeanor, I’m sure it feels embarrassing, but you can just get on through it. Keep breathing. And know that we’re SO VERY MUCH on your side!
Sabinne, Matt probably would have the answer to this, but wouldn’t you need an attorney in the same state where the case is to be tried so the attorney can accompany you to court? I agree with Oxy in that your attorney really sounds unempathetic and seems more geared in telling you what you shoulda woulda coulda done (past tense) instead of telling you how to prepare for the NOW. And for Gods sake, find out what the exact charges are!
Every state is different, but my former state considered harrassment in a boyfriend/girlfriend case to be domestic violence harrassment, meaning if a conviction occured you would have a domestic violence conviction on your record. But even at that, even if you were convicted there were options for what the punishment could be and somehow or other if you agreed and met certain conditions, the charges would be removed from your record. I forget now what all the options were and exactly what this was called. But at any rate, you need a GOOD attorney on YOUR SIDE to help you explore your options. You don’t want a permanent domestic violence conviction showing up on your record forever. Hock something if you have to, but get yourself some good legal advice. That is my two cents worth.
Thanks for your suggestions and your support. I’m at a terrible disadvantage–all of this is in another state. He knows that and loves it. He loves that I have no one to help me and no money to buy help.
I can’t talk about this anhymore right now. I’m in hell and he loves that. LOVES IT.
DEar Sabinne (((((HUgs))))) hang in there! We are here for your support! Love and prayers. Oxy
Sabinne: I had an ex, who I now know to be an S/P, who sued me for child support in a different state, and he used an address that was a vacant lot. When I contacted the state, I spoke with the state employee who was trying to collect, and suggested that perhaps she didn’t want to get mixed up in THIS FRAUD!!
Now, my solution may not be your solution, but REALLY!! Who wants to prosecute you for telling on a predator-A$$hole like this? Hold your head up. You were trying to do the right thing.
You know you have tremendous support with all of us here. Be strong. And feel all the love we’re sending you.
Oh, by the way, this was one of those S/Ps who used every trick to defraud along the way, and suing ME for child support was just one of them. This wasn’t about taking care of children. It was about hurting me. I was glad I could at least stop one of his tricks.