The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
Rune, they are cool aren’t they?
There is a little neighbor girl here who is getting the shaft from her soon to be X. They built and paid for a home, but the home was located on HIS parents’ land and in the parent’s names….well, he is trying to get out of giving her any money for her share of the home….but so happens HIS MOTHER is divorcing his father, and the two women are working together, so in the end, both the TREE (father psychopath) and the APPLE (son psychopath) will get their just financial deserts!
And, GUESS WHAT NASTY OLD BAT GAVE THEM THE IDEA!!!! So the two women working together will help both women overcome the problem with the land title. The “Tree” psychopath went out the other day and just for the hell of it, locked the girl’s horse back in the woods on remote land where there was neither food nor water this time of year, and locked all the gates, but since the “Tree’s WIFE” has a right to that land, SHE opened the gates so her DIL could get her horse out and get her personal items out of her home legally.
They will use ANYTHING that you value, horse or child, to hurt you just because they know it will.
Sometimes though, there are ways to block the damage. I know this young woman and her three small children age 8 to 18 months still has a long road ahead of her, but at least for the time being her P is working out of town (has been for a yr and a half) so maybe he won’t come back here and the NC is giving her some SPACE to clear her head. Just the legal and financial devestation and UNSURE stance on things legally (and lawyers are sometimes dunces! or just don’t want to bother) Sorry Matt, not all are like you!
Just like it “takes a village to raise a child” it takes a COMMUNITY of support to overcome a Psychopath! Thank God for Lovefraud community, and what it teaches us, we can share in the outside world. TOWANDA!!!!
Matt, you don’t happen to practice law in NJ do you?
MATT:
I just got a brain fart tonight while talking on the phone with a dear friend who has also been around the track a race or two with P’s, and I was mentioning you, and you losing your job etc. and the two of us decided your next JOB–if you don’t mind us telling you how to run your life! LOL
Get on the love fraud “referal list” and offer TELEPHONE CONSULTATIONS with advice (not specific advice for a particular state but just general information and strategy) so that you are not overstepping your license which I assume is state issued. That way people could pay through PayPal or whatever for an affordable time consultation by telephone. It would be an affordable service for the client and give you some income. I know there are “attorneys” that you click on the link, type in your question etc. but we know squat about these guys and we KNOW YOU KNOW ABOUT PSYCHOPATHS. Your comments (for free) are wonderful and it would not be legal advice per se, but a CONSULTATION on how to manage the lawyer handling the case for them. Like a “second opinion” or a direction for them to go. What’ya think? I think I am SO SMART to have thought of this! If you’re such a smart lawyer, why didn’t you think of this first? LOL (((hug))) Here I am again, hugging a lawyer even after I had to tell him what job to take and how to do it! LOL ROTFLMAO
Hey Matt: I think Oxy’s onto something. (Not ON something!)
Seriously, the first 5 hours of a lawyer’s time could be spent trying to explain that we were dealing with someone clinically dysfunctional. You are ahead in the game in understanding this, and you can help and get paid, and still save time and trauma for others who are dealing with this creatures.
Oxy, that’s brilliant. You’ve got a great idea!
I had to go through my old computer and look for proof to try and defend myself. All I found were our pictures. I can’t stop crying now. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m so tired of crying and I don’t know what to do anymore.
I don’t think I can do this anymore. I think I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.
Oh Sabinne: I am so sorry you are facing this right now. People who have not been here in this place of betrayal cannot imagine what this feels like.
Turn your head away from the pain. In this moment, control yourself by putting up walls to protect you from what you don’t have to see right now — reminders of the fairytale.
Somewhere, somehow, there is the proof you need, or the angle that can help.
Right now, though, be very, very gentle with yourself. Tell yourself how strong and amazing your are to have figured this out at all.
You have so much support behind you, so many caring people here. And we know the truth. And we send you our best hugs.
Sabinne: I have gone through this myself, I have read on LF how crying can actually help rellieve some of the stress, so if I have to cry… I cry. I’ve been reading your posts and you have really been standing up for yourself, you will get through this, don’t give your power away to one person, somethng I always did, but I have my sister here to yell at me.
Sabinne, this sounds like a terribly difficult time right now, and you sound really upset. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
From what I’ve read in your previous posts, you’ve heard that he’s trying to instigate a legal action. Not that he’s accomplished that. And you don’t even know if this is really true.
You don’t have to react right now. The fact that you are reacting so powerfully is reason enough to back away.
Part of healing is paying attention to what’s good for you. This is clearly not good for you right now.
More than that, he’s succeeded in upsetting you. Which is not what you want.
Rune gave you some great advice. I’d add to that the suggestion that you do something else. Take a bath. Read a book. Or do some exercise, or go fool around in the kitchen. I suspect that something more physical might be helpful.
If you can, just stop thinking about it. Make an agreement with yourself to pick it up again tomorrow or in a few days. It will wait.
A huge hug —
Kathy
Sabinne – I remember saying I was having a nervous breakdown that was way over due. Now I see it as a nervous break through. When I came here a year ago all I wamted was to find the easy button and stop hurting. It doesn’t happen that way. I think most of us have hit bottom when we google (sociopath) and find this place. I can tell you that this feeling of despair and heartbreak will ease up each day. It takes baby steps, but only you can do it. This is a life lesson, one we don’t want to take but we must. I hope you have gone no contact. You will recover, you will feel normal again. Please take care of yourself. Sleep if you can, eat well and go someplace you have never been and just walk or sit and reflect. Crying is good. I don’t cry often but I remember a few snot slobberin screaming crying episodes that got so much toxin’s out….you have alot of living to do and you are learning so much about yourself now…hang in there..