The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
Sabinne
I wonder if the court called him to let him know it was adjourned or if had to show up to find out? These are the things that I wonder. I hope he had to go and waste his time. I know that this sounds petty, but so is this ridiculous case.
Matt
Sabinne:
This being in Municipal Court, I can almost guaranty that nobody bothered to tell him the matter was adjourned. So, yes, he had to haul his sorry ass down there.
Ox Drover
Dear Sabinne,
Believe me, these little muni courts are not like”Perry Mason” but more like “night court” that show on TV years ago. LOL
It is more like an assembly line thing and it isn’t anything to be terrified of. You can probably get it put off again for any little reason and I would advise you to keep on putting it off as LONG AS YOU CAN just to delay will keep stabbing him. LOL
Focus on school, not on this thing—they are NOT going to give you “llife without parole” no matter what! Chances are when you waltz into that court room looking the soul of proproiety, like “Miz Manners” and conduct yourself like a LADY who is so far above this low life creep that he would get a nose bleed if he came up to your level, the judge will see you and realize this whole thing is a “set up.” Gosh I would love to be there at your court hearing.
But since we LF’ers can’t be there,, think like that telephone commercial where the guy has the NETWORK behind him of all these people supporting him no matter what happens. WE WILL BE THERE IN SPIRIT!!! Visualize your NETWORK BEHIND YOU cheering you on!!!! ((((big hugs))))) Keep us in the loop, I want to know how this turns out!!!!
Jim in Indiana USA
Sabinne….there aren’t any bench warrants out for him? Sometimes in my little town, they show up trying to cause someone else trouble and end up in jail…that would be nice.
Of course you don’t know…but it would be funny….LOL
Jen2008
Sabinne, I’m so happy to hear you were able to get the court date delayed till after your exams. Like Oxy said, maybe you can keep getting it delayed. With enough delays and inconvenienes to the S, he may find something else to amuse him (translate that as someone else to torment) and maybe he’ll just eventually lose interest and drop the whole thing. Anyway, congrats.
Matt
Jen2008:
I was just going to post that same thing. I suspect a few delays and he will lose interest — once he discovers it is going to start costing him time. That’s what it always boils down to with these creatures — you have to make it costly enough for them so that they leave you alone.
Sabinne:
If you do have to go into court, think funeral when it comes to your attire. Basic black, hair pulled back, no makeup.
Sabinne
Matt,
Do you really think that’s the way to go? All black? I will try to have it adjourned as often as I can. I hope he’ll get tired of waiting and the game he wants to play. It doesn’t cost me anything extra no matter how long it takes. I’m glad he had to show up to find me not there. That’s a pleasant thought. 🙂 Thanks guys for all the great advice and support.
Ox Drover
Matt,
May I agree with you on the attire, “funeral” is great, very tasteful, but not morbid, mournfull, or TOO severe, and as far as the “make up” it should also be “funeral” but NOT None, just not like she is going out dancing, and VERY TASTEFUL, almost like she is not wearing any VISIBLE make up. Without any make up in court I would look like I was the CORPSE! LOL But I do keep to the idea that “Less is more” and at my age I have cut the make up down to what is NOT visible as make up at all, but don’t want to look totally dead and dried up. Just basic good grooming and NEAT (shoes polished, matching handbag or NO handbag visible etc) NO VISIBLE JEWELRY EXCEPT WEAR A NICE SILVER OR GOLD COLORED CROSS, one that looks like it is your “regular” necklace. That is what my lawyer told me to do for a court case that I am still iinvolved with. He is one of THE TOP attorneys in his field in the US—he is even going so far as to get a “fake” jury and have me give my testemony in front of them for critique before we actually go to trial so that he can coach me. “Smoke and mirrors”! But IMPORTANT!
Also, Sabinne, he may show up 2-3-4 times and it is canceled, and then he MAY NOT SHOW UP ON THE REAL DAY, thus getting the whole thing thrown out of court.
Remember “it ain’t over til the fat lady sings” and I have NO intention of singing HIS TUNE!!! LOL
kindheart48
guys i have a question here as i think im in the bargaining phase from what i’m reading. I told the s that if he didn’t return my phone calls i would not speak to him again and if he wanted to spend time with me he was to take me to this place where i have always wanted a cowhide from. The thing is i shouldn’t have any contact whatsoever and i know how absolutely cheap he is and know he won’t want to do anything that i give him conditions on, as that is his domain. Now im hurt again like a fool and the reality is i should tell him to spend his cheap money on the cheap women he doesn’t know the difference between. Anyway i could use some suggestions as i know what im doing now that i saw some of you write about the bargaining. Im bargaining for something i should n’t even be bargaining for. It’s driving me nuts. It’s a no win situation any way i look at it so why the hell would i pull this trick anyway. love kindheart
Ox Drover
Dear Kindheart,
You may be in the “bargaining phase” but the point that is the really LOSE-LOSE part of it is that you are having ANY CONTACT WITH HIM AT ALL.
As long as you are having ANY contact with him, you are in the LOSING PHASE. Until you stop that, NOTHING WILL HELP YOU GET TO HEALING YOURSELF.
I cannot say it any more plainly than that. You are defeating yourself. It is your choice, you are over 21 and can do what you please, but if you continue to do what you KNOW IS COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE, how can I help you by giviing you advice?
What difference does it make if he is cheap? He isn’t going to change. What good is a cow hide from him? Or a new car? Or a big long boat, or a fur coat, or a diamond ring? Would it make him better or you better or the relationship better?
You are still paddling down the “RIVER DE-NIAL” and violating the “11th commandment” which is ‘THOU SHALT NOT FOOL THY SELF.” Get real, Kindheart. Wake up and smell the coffee, until YOU decide to get better, you are going to keep on doing things that are not going to help you, the very same things that brought you here.
I AM speaking plainly with you, and I do not mean to offend you in any waya. I have been where you are, and I know until some people spoke plainly to me, I didn’t want to face reality—but it is the only way you CAN get out of this quicksand mire. ((((hugs)))) and my prayers for you.