The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
has anyone noticed that if you are alone for too long/isolated/home alone– whatever–
it is not healthy?
I came back to VA last nite and had to clean this apartment all day. Studio apt.
My mind is now obsesses with “How much you wanna bet his exwife took him back?”
I saw signs of him trying to get back with her (They always want what they can’t have)– when we were dating, but he denied it and acted like I was nuts for “imagining” such things>
YOu guys– why do I care????
maybe b/c if she did go back to him (He is gorgeous, NOW RICH and incredible in bed and they have a beautiful 6 year old)– that would say even more how I was just a rebound whore for him. All those lies to me and I was just a joke! My mind, body, future, finances– spirit– destroyed for a guy to go on a two year thing?
Any support? This sucks. I am in so much pain. It has been 5 months NC.
Thanks Ox for your post and toughlove, i will continue to read your post until i drill it into my thick skull. thanks again for laying it on the line and not sugar coating. And as i said i will read it more than once but please know i do not want to be doing this merry go round anymore. I’ve gone to so many lengths, two months in trauma away from home was extremely hard but i do understand what you are telling me. love kindheart
I would like to share this.
I was taken by a coworker to the ER the day after the N physically assaulted me and discarded me. There were NO bruises or anything- he is waaaay to smart to leave evidence,
but I was in some type of shock. I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks, diarreha everyday, blah, blah…
so– I got a bill the other day for 500 bucks for the doctors in the ER and my insuracne would not cover it. They had put “anxiety” down as a diagnosis and my mental care (from being with the N in the first place) had run out!!!!
So– yesterday I put in=t on my credit card. I do not have a job and I am so upset b/c you guys—
SHOULDN’T HE BE PAYING FOR IT.And– he became a millionaire the day he discarded me (A coincidence? I think not.)
what do I do????? I am soooo pissed!!!!!
Meg,
His apparent “success” is just that APPARENT, but NOT real.
You are who you are, you are NOT MEASURED by who you are with, who loves you or who doesn’t—YOU ARE YOU. YOU ARE IMPORTANT. HE IS NOT THE YARDSTICK BY WHICH YOU MEASURE YOURSELF….or it should NOT be.
Money won’t buy him a soul, nothing will. He can be rich as Midas and it still doesn’t make him REAL.
You are only “destroyed” as long as you measure yourself by his yard stick. Quit doing it! BOINK!!!! ((((hugs)))) love and peace! HE IS THE LIE!!! Now write that 500 times and turn it in when study hall is over…;.and go back to being the MARVELOUS MEG!!!!
Meg.. I just logged on.. are you still online?
akitameg, kindheart 48, and anyone else who is even remotely considering the possiblity of assigning human values and/or longng for these one-man weapons of mass destruction:
I have just started reading Ann Rule’s latest book “Too Late To Say Goodbye” about this dentist in Georgia who not only killed his wife, but a girlfriend of his in dental school and possibly a third woman he was involved with. I hate to sound cruel, I hate to sound blunt, and I don’t mean to bitch-slap you, but, this book is an eye-opener.
From page one, all the sociopathic elements employed by the sociopathic killer were leaping off the page at me. I am only 1/2 way through, but all the elements of my ex are ON THE PAGE IN BLACK AND WHITE.
Maybe none of you want to believe us. Maybe you don’t want to believe Drs. Hare or Stout. We can’t convince you that there is no “good soul/good heart” under that sociopathic exterior.
Hopefully this book will. Ms. Rule aptly points out, there is no reforming these creatures. There is no happily ever after.
Read this book. Maybe it will open your eyes. If nothing else, after you read this book, you may be grateful you are alive, unlike the 3 women in this book who aren’t.
Sorry to go on a tear here, but, that’s the way I’m feeling tonight.
Meg… Where were you in your life before you met him? How was your life pre-S? Were you in a fairly good place? Were you recovering from a previous breakup? What was going on in your world before you encountered the Sociopath and the ensuing chaos…
ya’ll are so wonderful!!!!
thanks for boinking me Oxy.
Matt– you are funny–
“the possibility of assigning human values and/or longing for these one-man weapons of mass destruction.”
I love it! Perfect!
Learn the lesson–
I was going into a major depression when I met him. I was attractive and a singer– and a musical therapist. He was a photographer and asked me to work with him. Ughhh!
I had just found out that my sperm donor– an S– had died– called me before he died saying how he loved me so much-
and then did not leave my any inheritance (I was his bastard child that he found when I was 20– hence I left college over it!). But he left it to the dghtrs of his marriage–w ho are both lawyers– so in court–even with me DNA proven- I had no chance. It was really, really sad.
I was also losing my singing voice from acid reflux– and working my butt off in anursing home where everyone expected Meg to make the place happy–
I was at least much physically healthier however. NOt the waif with no appetite that rights to you now with nitemares every night and 800 bucks in medical bills. and no job.
this all sucks.
matt– thank you. going to get that book hopefully tomorrow.
Matt,
Martha Stout says that whether or not a sociopath is a murderer depends only on how he likes his power. If he likes having power over life and death he’ll be a murderer. If he likes power over money he’ll be an embezzler. If he’s like mine and likes enslaving women emotionally to pay them back for the power they have over him sexually he’ll spend a life time playing one woman off another and crafting humiliating manipulations.
So much of the stuff we talk about here regards how male Ps scheme to get sex out of women, but are the dynamics similar with gay men? I’d think that a pyschopath satisfying himself with other men would find the promiscuity he craved much easier and that he’d use his scheming for other things. I’ve heard that gay men tend to be more accepting of open relationships which can only work in psychopaths’ favor.