The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
akitameg:
Don’t mean to come down hard on you — I’m guilty of trying to romanticize and explain away all my S’s bad behavior. But, sometimes we really need to see to what extremes these — people — will go to just to meet their own needs. None of us like to believe that the person we so freely loved could possibly go to the extreme of murder. Fact of the matter is they will — if we happen to get in the way of what they want.
This isn’t a momentary bad mood they are going through. They are seriously disordered and capable of anything.
Meg.. Ok. Well Im glad you brought everything up to date. I was actually thinking your story might be more like mine prior to meeting them. But you had way more, in fact LOTS MORE on your plate than I did going into it with mine. Mine was alot more about past trauma.. sounds like you were involved in alot of trauma leading up to and before meeting him. And probably even more vulnerable than most.
Yes, you write to us now, thats a big PLUS, BONUS and CHANGE FOR THE BETTER IN YOUR LIFE … your posts are honest and real and raw … and even some quick witted funny ones at times…
As far as being/getting physically healthier – thats something you have the power to do WITHIN you. Its a choice, you know that!
The medical bills can wait… you Meg, cannot. What you have shared and gone through before during and after the S is surely enough to knock any one of us off our feet.. for a loop..and leave us feeling sad and depressed. You need to pick yourself up by your bootstraps, socks, slippers, flipflops WHATEVER… and get through this like you have every other major setback/obstacle/depression in your life…
And speaking of, what are you doing to manage depression? Because dealing with that and getting that under control. Someone asked me how did you get through.. and my first response was we all have to check our level of depression and decide where we are with that. I exercised. Dragged myself to the gym, ran the track, walked the park. Sometimes through tears, but I knew it was either get out of it or I was going to end up in a really bad place. Its a choice Meg. At some point its no longer about him, its about what you want for you. Because sometimes we cant get through this with just ourselves and our support system, our bodies and minds need more support during the most difficult times.
I want you to start thinking about Meg…
akitameg, you just brought back a memory. Even though my s is a coward and is probably more afraid of me than i of him as he’s too clever like yours to ever physically hit someone. he is also a weakling to boot. But i remember him telling me that when he and his last ex a 20 year younger woman who finally stopped letting him kick her out with her little girl, prob on advice from a lawyer decided to stay until she got a settlement. By this time i beleive she didnt’ care any longer and did whatever she pleased in the house of horror as she called it as he is over the top OCD. I recall him telling me that if he ever had hit her he would have killed her. This of course went right over my head as i was in shock over my marriage ending but i beleive the only thing that kept him from hitting her was he’s a coward and woulnd’t last a minute in jail. Your guy is dangerous and i wish my s asshole as my gf said would have hit me just once and i would have been gone or he would have been gone but they are too smart. Not worth taking a risk and now you have to pay for what he did . I hope karma give him something nice in return. Sorry to sound so vengeful but sometimes life is not fair and im sorry you are getting the short end of it,
Yep, we must accept that some of them (many?) ARE CAPABLE OF MURDER and they are so arrogant they think they will get away with it.
Even my X-DIL thought she could murder my son C and almost did it, but fortunately he survived and got through to 911.
Go down to one of your local book stores and read through the “true crime” sections, go to your local police station and read through some of the logs—you will see that this is not a “nice” world we live in. People do some horrible things to each other. Hitler killed 6 million people—Chairman Mao killed 60 million (that is six-0 million) etc etc. People ARE capable of more evil than we can even imagine, and we need to accept that our Ps are capable of a lot of things.
Look at that Clarkk Rockefeller creep—they haven’t as far as I know proven he killed that couple, but…OJ Simpson, Scot Peterson, Ted Bundy, Charlie Manson….I could go on but you get the idea. These people ARE capable of killing others, and how many women die at the hands of their “lovers” and “husbands” each year, how many children die at the hands of their parents? Even in my little state which has only 1/3 the number of people that LA or NY have, every night there is 1 or more killings on the news, babies killed by parents, wives by husbands, parents by kids—-IT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE JUST LIKE US, by people just like our Ps.
I’m with Matt—-
penelope:
I don’t think you can categorize it down to sex. I think most people on this site rage about the sexual betrayal committed by their exes because it was the worst betrayal imaginable. We love sociopaths, we forgive them everything under the sun. The thing that pushes most of us over the edge — after everything else — is discovering they have been lying to us and betraying us sexually.
This gay man made it very clear to the S I was involved with that I expected fidelity. I always have and always will believe that the minute you “open” up a relationship to a third party the realtionship is doomed because you have just destroyed the intimacy that is required in order for a relationship to work.
I don’t agree with Martha Stout on how she categorizes them. Based on what I saw with my S, I think they are creatures of the moment. It wasn’t until my S was desperately hooked on drugs that he decided to steal paychecks from his employer and try to cash them. I have no doubt that is his employer was walking around with 20 grand in his pocket, he would have killed his employer to get the cash.
Matt: Thank you for the major heads-up. What we keep forgetting is that these people are CRAZY!!! Not just strange . . .
If any are retrievable, it won’t be by us. And, by the way, Ann Rule is the same woman who worked a crisis hot line in a locked room with “that nice young man, Ted Bundy.”
Matt–
I do not think you can imagine how much I know of what you are speaking. That is why I had to leave the state! His family are known for their vindictive nature (Which I found out fro a cop after the assault) and now that he was up for a huge inheritance and I knew the truth about him?
People- even two lawyers who knew what he was about and were at my deposition were worried.
I saw in his eyes that nite– that if he could have killed me– he would have– if he could n=have NOT GOTTEN CAUGHT.
I keep thinking Matt– that, well, maybe with another woman– he will be the wonderful prince again that he was for me for two years– but with her– he will stay that way and this sick shite won’t come out.
He did sexually assault his beautiful, educated, hard working and gorgeous wife from Japan before me however. He had just cried and cried about how she was lying. After he did what he did to me– I knew– she was not lying.
I need this blog. You guys get me back into reality. MOnsters. Please keep reminding me.
What do you all thinking about what I wrote about maybe with heir next “victim”– they really will love them and never turn bad? Is that just stinkin’ thinkin’–from the trauma of all of this.?
Learn the Lesson–thank you sooo much for that last post!
from now on guys– can I not thank everyone when they leave me a message? I just want you to know how much I appreciate you and your advice– 🙂
Matt thanks i am writing the name of the book down as well as i need to look at reality as Ox earlier posted and sounds like the book is a good dose of it.
I am soo frickin’ angry at myself for not seeeing that he was mostly after sex!!! I am an idiot!
How do I get over that? I was a whore– this is the worst.
Mine never cheated with a real person. Porn online when I was not around. Does that mean he is not an S? I think it means that he enjoys the easiness of just having one chic to deal with– the safety- and the security that she will keep coming back. He never cheated on his wife, but he discarded her when she told his parents he tried to have sex with her when she did not want to.
Also– I was a sex goddess dang it. Even my exhusband has talked about that. Oh well– I’m half Italian and have some Argentinian in me.
I feel like a jpiece of trash and this sucks.