The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
akitameg:
Shoot just lost the post. I’ll start again.
What you are going through is way past “stinkin’ thinkin'”. What you are doing is what we refer to on this site as MAGICAL THINKING — if I only do X, he’ll do Y. If I do Y, he’ll see how much I love him. Maybe the right person will bring out the ‘real” X and the sweet person I know is underneath that monster will finally come out.
NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Magical thinking falls into the same category as the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny and Santa Claus. Don’t exist. Never will.
You have got to focus on you — and how terribly he treated you. No magical thinking. You need to think of every rotten thing he ever did and focus on that. And don’t tell me about how “yeah, he treated me badly 30 times in a row, but one time he…” Doesn’t work. Love is never easy, but it sure shouldn’t hurt the way you’ve been hurt. And love definitely doesn’t result in you ending up in the ER for assault.
Meg,
QUOTE: “What do you all think about what I wrote about maybe their next victim–they really will love them and never turn bad?”
BOINK!!!BOINK!!!BOINK!!!!
YOU KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT MEGGIE, DEAR!!!! LOL
I used to tell my kids a “stupid question” was one YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER TO— Boink! again for good measure!
Now, dear, you have to write 1000 times this time, “HE WILL NOT EVER CHANGE, HE WILL VICTIMIZE THEM ALL.” And I want it turned in in good cursive by day light or you will get an F for today and have to sit in study hall for the rest of the week! LOL ((((hugs))))) and always my prayers Meg!
thank you so much Oxy and Matt. YOu honesty and prayers are appreciated.
I am going to bed. Or at least watch a little tv. Pray I don’t dream of him all damned night! It is crazy.
matt, i was reading your post about the sex and mine could care less about sex. He’s more on the narcissistic side and only uses sex in the beginning to get you hooked. That’s what is so perplexing but when you understand that he’s a mysogynist(hates women) it makes more sense. Of course he doesn’t see it this way, like to think he likes women, but he only likes to objectify them. I’d say he’s asexual if anything which has made me wonder if he isn’t a latent homosexual or bisexual but he manages to get women hooked even though he sucks(pardon the punn) at sex and i mean terrible. Women i’ve talked to before me have all concerred that he is a poor lover to say the least. His is the mind f*** and he’s good at it because he knows the sex is all in his head. I remember him asking me once early on if i was orgasmic and i thought what kind of a question is that. Prob taking my pulse to see and sad part is i overlooked sex for 5 years of my life from 42 to 48 years of age and im far from ugly but now i have issues the other way. Everything with him was so weird , that the weird has become normal. habitualized to pretend sex , it’s all just too over the top to even get into. I just hope when i meet a nice guy i remember what it’s like as i feel like he made me into some madonna as he also has the madonna/whore complex which also goes with narcissistic personality disorder. What a wast e of pretty as i saw on a show. He might as well have been in a wheelchair and i would have been a faithful pathetic irish setter. i know im going to be mad over this one someday soon.
kindheart48:
Same drill with mine — the sex was scortching the first couple of months — he made me feel like I was the best lover on earth. And then the gobi desert phase set in — bone dry in bed. At the end, when he made himself available all I would think is “what do you want now?”
Dear Liane,
I can identify with “exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love”
I definitely recognize my learned helplessness as I deeply believe that my husband took care of me in every possible way. In retrospect, I see that he did so only as long as it benefitted him, and how vindictively he was ready to take away these “gifts” or supports as soon as I filed for divorce this summer. Then the fear of NOT having these supports kicked in big time making me paralyzed to move forward, feeling absolutely helpless, left, alone without his “help” or goodwill.
FIr him, money is a huge symbol of exchange of “goods and services” in a relationship. Rules go something like: “you play by my rules and give me the aggrandizing mirror I need, act submissive and helpless, fulfill my demands, and in return I will provide material support. If you seek to be separate from me, have your autonomy, disagree with my desires, I will punish you, and you won’t get a penny for child support” He has used words like, “I know you don’t care if I live or die as long as you get every penny I have, but you won’t get it!! My father gave YOU half a house to raise YOUR family in and you are so ungrateful!”
It is hard to see a calculated cold human being where I am used to seeing him as my family, my friend, father of my child, my “protector.” Almost impossible.
My ex made me very dependent on him, and I didn’t realize it til just recently. I have felt so abandon and like I can’t do anything for myself anymore. I’ve given up on so many things, and that is just what he wanted. I am trying to regain control of my life but it is beyond difficult.
Dear Heather,
Welcome to Lovefraud, you have come to the right place for learning and healing, and your life is NOT out of control, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER and you can learn here and take back your power. It may be painful, I don’t tell you that it isn’t, but it will be MORE THAN WORTH THE JOURNEY!
Read, go back through all the old archived articles and read each one. some of them may not be helpful to you right now, but many will. they will show you that this is NOT your “fault” this is abuse, and you are the only one that can stop the abuse as he never will. I am glad you are here, but sorry that you have been hurt. Read and learn and blog, there are people here who understand and empathize. ((((Hugs)))) and god bless you.
‘The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.’
i hit this right after i figured out ‘he hadn’t died’. and it seared me. at first it wasn’t a depression – there was just this intense pain that said – will never have these things: never be loved, cared for, taken care of. i spent most of my life very independent, but in the last few years of spiraling difficulties I have come to wish for rescue. and seeing no way out of the spiraling difficulties (’cause i try and i ask for help and i believe am always on the look out for some way….) the only option i could come up with was a rescue of some sort.
and ‘he’ presented it. and i wanted it sooo bad that i was willing to hang in their awhile and see.
i was out of step with my generation as a girl – too independent, too aware of the limitations placed on me because of my gender, of access denied, of what felt like love withheld, too aware of male privilege. I didn’t have words or theory as a young one. found them in my 20’s. Then I became very aware of being further ostracized because of my ‘radical’ beliefs and non conforming behaviour. but that’s what our 20’s are for 🙂
by the time i was in my early 30’s i was aware that i didn’t want to live as a separtist, that my politics might make me a very good member of a subculture, but i found the sub culture stifling also. I integrated my politics and moved into a more mainstream life, I took up more space.
I know i have given up important things to be part of ‘wider’ culture. especially in a small place like this. which is why i wnet to the web in the first place – things missing from my life. important things. I met two people there (not counting the sock puppets, ’cause really…) over the last 5 years: one N and one spath.
I dated the N. I obsessed about the N….I let go of the N when as my x, she raised her fist to me. SHE was a piece of work.
The spath – sigh. what can i say. Much deep work to do when the time comes. I deeply miss that connection. Many have mentioned that they don’t have a sense of humor – we laughed all the time. I suspect that the chemicals released by that was a big part of my staying on. and that mixed with the drama/trauma of his never ending dying and then the burgeoning abusiveness of the sock puppets hooked me on a physiological level QUITE NICELY.
I keep thinking about printing some of the pictures of ‘him’ and the REAL PERSON BEHIND THIS CON (there are a few on the internet) and cutting them up into tiny strips and weaving them together….
………then lighting them on fire.
daily.
😉
HO HO HO Happy Christmas and Merry Everything – I am off to spend more money I dont have….~!