The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
henry,
now why did you post this under the blog entry of , ‘why is this so hard for us mentally’? LOL.
have much fun.
spending money you dont have is very hard mentally – besides I have to stick my nose in here ocasionally so ya’ll wont forget me….
Dear henry,
Well, HO, HO HO! TO YOU TOO! Our Christmas spending was done at GoodWill! Actually got some nice NEW clothing the guys would like but couldn’t do retail at all. So got some nice things for the guys taht they could use, they got me a couple of books and one DVD for us all, so very “cheap” christmas but a very GOOD one in spite of that. I baked special things for the guys and we watched the DVD together.
And you know, this has been one of the most relaxing and peaceful holidays and NO STRESS HOLIDAYS in my life time. It is amazing what PEACE does to your life.
The apostle Paul advised the early Christians to be CONTENT with what they had and what they were, even if there were things that they could nto change, like even being a SLAVE. If you could change it, of course do it, but if you could not, then ACCEPT it and be CONTENT! That’s pretty good advice to me.
There might be some things in my life I would LIKE to change but are not in my control, so I will ACCEPT those things and be content anyway!
I really don’t miss the hectic holidays with tons of packages under the tree and then tons of paper thown everywhere and too much to eat and a belly hurting from over doing it, and chaos and stress as a SIDE DISH, I’ll take what I have now and AM CONTENT! HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYONE!!!
Being spath-free is the best xmas present I could do for myself. That cruel creature ruined my ‘christmas’s past’ three years in a row. I am keepin busy so I dont focus on that. I hope he get’s ran over by a big fat reindeer.
or a hippo with diahrea.
Dear Henry,
I think we posted over each other. Yea, I know it is difficult when you feel like you “have” to spend money you don’t have for something in order to keep someone else from being upset. Like Christmas or BDs when people expect a gift. I know you have grandkids and taht makes it even tougher, but you know, at the same time, I think it is perfectly okay to get a token gift even for a kid and just tell them “grandpa can’t afford more.” Or give an alternative homemade gift.
One of the things my step dad enjoyed the most that I ever gave him was a little scrap book and a letter I wrote to him telling him how special he was to me. I could have bought him something but the thing I made for him meant more. He kept it on his dresser top til the day he died and I saw him frequently look through it.
Last year for Christmas my son D and I made a CD of all the old songs we could find bout “thank God and Greyhound she’s gone” for my son C for Christmas and he ROARED said it was the best Xmas present ever! Only cost us 99 cents to down load that one song off the internet, we had the rest of them on our CDs.
This year I baked for the guys (we’ve already had our celebration since son D is going out of state tomorrow) and the little things we got for each other didn’t cost much at all, but were individually chosen with care and love.
Just having love and Peace in the house and no stress or unnecessary spending is a good thing! Hope your holidays are lovely Henry, you DESERVE IT! Love an dhugs Oxy
O, Henry!!!! (I like that as O. Henry is one of my favorite authors!) you are tooooo toooo much!
You make me laugh as I have a very visual mind. I can just PICTURE that collision on the highway! Poooo everywhere! LOL
Keep in mind though, Henry, he is his OWN worst enemy and is ALWAYS covered in his own poo because he wallows in it. He will never have a P-FREE day much less an enjoyable holiday!
I can’t get over the feeling of being so stupid! I saw this coming, I saw the signs, knew the behaviors weren’t normal or rational. This person had me in such a hypnotic trance I came back for more abuse. I was the idiot. He knew what things to say to me to manipulate me. It was sick stuff. Now I know, but too late.
Henry:
I have been taking care of my niece ever since she was a baby.
When she was 2-3 years old, she went through a phase when she came to my house.
She would always ask, “Do you have something for me?” everytime she came to my house.
And, I would always respond, “Yes, I have something for you….MY LOVE!” And then I would give her a big hug and kisses.
Now, she does not require a lot of things from me, even though her mother is a MAJOR HOARDER, and totally obsessed with things.
But, part of it was my own fault, because I was giving her a lot of things back then. But, I stopped it when she started asking, “Do you have something for me?”
My mother and I have really tried to stress to this child that life is not about things.
It’s about love.
I guess my point is that kids don’t require as much as you might think they do.
Dr. Leedom even writes that children can become over-stimulated with too many things in her book, “Just Like His Father.” And that’s not good.
Just give the kids what you can, and tell them the most important part is, “I love you.”
~I’m not a parent, so I don’t know if this is the right advice, but it seems to be working for me…at least for now.
Henry, did I read somewhere that your granddaughter carries a sword?
My niece carries a gun (a Nerf, not a Glock). 🙂
dear helpless,
we ALL saw it coming to varying degrees.
i stayed in it for 20+ years, knowing full well what he had done to others. i never thought he’d do it to me, too. but it just wasn’t my turn … yet … and when it was … holy crap! i ended up almost dead from the stress and depression. let’s not talk about stupid!
it’s sick alright, but it’s never too late.
we will all reclaim ourselves in time.
until then, be kind to yourself. remember, they choose those with big hearts, generous spirits and gracious manner.
i don’t plan on becoming cold and wicked because he is, although i went there for a while. we must remain part of the solution to all of the sickness and hatred in this world.
peace.