The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
thank you lostingrief. I appreciate your support. You are right, he targeted me, he told me he did.
HelplessAngel _ Welcome, and if your and idiot so am I. I look at it like they are imposter’s, vampires that cast their spell on us. I was not stupid but ignorant. I was surrounded by vampire’s. When all our blood is gone they move on to fresh humanity, too ignorant people. I can forgive myself for being ignorant. If I fall for another vampire then I am stupid, because I know better now..this happened to us for a reason – a life lesson – so dont be hard on yourself – just heal and be the good person you are and wear garlic around your neck to avoid them in the future. They are unnatural beings, it can happen to anyone..
Rosa – My granddaughter wears a pink balarina outfit and carrys a plastic sword and wont let her dad fire up the fire place until after santa comes….
Dr. Leedom’s article and Mickey’s comments offer crucial reasons we have difficulty getting beyond our experience with a sociopath that have to do with depression, anxiety and and “trauma”– the mental anguish for victims as a result of the N/S’s web of deceit, manipulation and destruction.
I believe another part has to do with the sense of “unreality” — slowly embracing the unsettling realization that we were dealing with abnormal/disordered individuals who do not operate from basic rules of human engagement.
For me, there has been a “Twilight Zone” after-taste to the experience. While doing well detaching emotionally (by falling out of love, losing interest in the disordered person), there’s been an intellectual component of cognitive dissonance. While I don’t readily recall fond or sentimental memories that trigger loving feelings when I think about my ex, I often have moments of “Wow — who the hell was that person?”
My ex-N/S mirrored my values and mimicked other human qualities while disguising his core dysfunction in ways that were very confusing for a while, until I gradually and finally figured things out. I experienced many moments of both sadness and anger on the unfolding journey of understanding to “know with humility” and grow toward acceptance.
Lovefraud and other websites made a big difference in giving me the foundation of support and knowledge to alleviate the confusion and frustration and re-empower myself as I continued to practice boundaries and limited contact, then gradual and ongoing NC a day at a time.
It still feels just amazing/incredible — a mind-blowing shock to the system, to say the least, that I thought I was dealing with a real person with rational faculties and capabilities for human emotion.
It is taking time to fully overcome this sense of having had a “Twilight Zone” experience. I’ve decided to cut myself some slack during the Holiday season by not working as hard, and doing fun reading, other playful lolligagging and putting limited pressure on myself as I continue on the path of healing to return to a full sense of normalcy.
Recovering -You descibe that Twilight Zone effect so well. I often said it was like an episode of the TZ. You make sense of describing what I was feeling..
recovering and henry,
this is how i feel too.
i think i will try to explain this to my friends. i am feeling so cut off cause i am still in the TZ.
i have been feeling guilty ’cause i felt like i had one foot in my previous life and one foot in the rarefied air of the relationship with the spath and i cherished this sense of duality – it made me feel powerful, and now i am definitely in two worlds still and neither of them are very nice, and i am thinking i ‘deserve this’ – cause i was so happy to be off and away before.
erggh.
one_step_at_a_time and henry — I bet it’s so good to know that we weren’t in outer space/TZ alone…LOL.
I’m sure part of the TZ feeling also included second-guessing ourselves because the disordered ones can show oh-so-normal periods of time and otherwise come across as very enlightened/intelligent in other moments.
In our shared experiences, daily or weekly reading at Lovefraud is a life-line for groundedness — like attending virtual group therapy.
As we continue to let the reality of our full N/S experience soak in more and more, and question our perceptions of them less and less, clarity returns.
Not so much that we become know-it-alls, but simply people who have survived inhumane encounters and found hard-won wisdom. This allows us to reclaim our personal power, the basis for owning for our ongoing stability and sanity beyond the TZ experience.
recovering: i am still in the TZ – that oh so special place, I am just there without the spath now. but she gave me the ticket and i will have to find my own way back.
i am full of swear words tonight – ones that i don’t use (and you will notice that i swear a fair amount. I reread some of the last emails from one of the sock puppets – supposedly a sister of the spath’s (it was the spath) and i am reading that stuff with FULL knowledge now of who she is, that ‘they’ are all one and a growing knowledge of WHAT she is.
funny, the ‘boy’ character who i loved was really great – see, it was split like THAT for me – thought I was dealing with a group of peeps, that were, in reality ALL HER. but he was the one who came across as enlightened. oh you wouldn’t believe the amazing qualities i attributed to him….AAARRRRGGGHH!
fucker.
One-step — How did this person have the time to live such a made-up, phony life with multiple characters?
One thing I’m noticing about a lot of the stories with the S is that they put a lot of time into the relationships with the “love-bombing,” catering, calling a lot or texting. Talk about over-kill.
Unless they are independently wealthy, how do they find the time to give that much attention to a new or multiple love interest?
Definitely will be a red flag next time some guy wants to pursue me as much as my ex-N/S did or take up so much of my time/make me the center of his world. Seem to be part of their steps toward creating dependence on them and isolating the victim after a while. I’ll have to ask whether he has a legitimate life of his own.
Recovering – Yes virtual group therapy.. I am at almost 2 years no contact and I still find great comfort reading here. Your post are so ‘right were I am at now’ how long have you been no contact? I am questioning the N/S less and less because I dont care about him, but the more I learn about personalitys like him the better I am at setting boundaries and avoiding them.