The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
This is a very interesting website – I found it by googling “con artists”.
In 1998 I was ripped off by a con artist, whom I met through a personal ad. I was going through a very serious depression at the time, and that’s when I met him. He seemed like a breath of fresh air, very intelligent, different than other men I had met. He seemed very supportive of me, and what I was going through with my depression.
He asked me “what are your goals”. I realize now, that this is how he tricked me – into believing that he was going to help me achieve a few things–I said I wanted to move into a home – he helped me find a home – but guess who was paying the high rent of the home??? ME. Once I moved in with him, he had COMPLETE control of me, and was using my credit. He convinced me to order a variety of credit cards, and buy all types of things for this home that we were living in, stating that he had money invested in the stock market that would take care of it all.
When I look back on it now, I realize how stupid I was, but at the time, I was going through a very serious depression, was not thinking clearly, and allowed this jerk to manipulate me. He would go into these screaming rages, and this is one of the ways he controlled and intimidated me into doing what he wanted.
We were only together for six months, because when the money ran out, he was gone. While I was out of town, he took off, and moved a lot of the possessions (which I paid for) out of the house.
I had to declare bankruptcy, my good credit was ruined, and I lost an apartment that I had paid for – as he convinced me to take out a mortgage on my apartment & he would invest the money for me, and I would get an excellent return on the money.
I was too devastated to pursue the guy in a civil law suit, and am trying to move on with my life – this happened almost 9 years ago, but still remains fresh in my memory as though it were only yesterday.
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist??
I read a comment on this blog last week where the reader said that she stopped trying to figure out what was “real” and what was a lie. Intead, she finally accepted that it was all a lie, and it became easier in her mind. I don’t remember where the comment was posted, but I think I’m paraphrasing her correctly. At least, I hope I’m paraphrasing her correctly because when I read her remarks, I realized that in the past month, I have started to feel a sense of freedom in my mind. I still have days, times, when I will remember something that had touched me when it originally occurred only to be quickly followed by the sudden reminder that it was all a lie. And those times are painful. This time of year is especially difficult. My father passed away 12/22/2003, and at the time, my sociopath and I were heavily involved. I get angry because I can’t grieve the loss of my father without remembering HIM. It was one time when he was especially comforting, and I don’t want to remember that. Whatever “softness” he displayed was fake, a lie. I can only hope that one day, when Christmas rolls around and I’m reminded of my dad’s passing that I’ll be able to recall the way my dad made me laugh instead of how this sociopath made me cry.
And, as an FYI, I am suing my ex-boyfriend for damages he did to my house in the way of unfinished projects. I’ve already sent him a final negotiating/demand letter, which resulted in him calling to bluster and thunder and call me names and tell me he would ruin my life, blah, blah, blah. And for the first time since meeting him, I felt no fear, no regret at “upsetting” him, nothing — except a sense of victory as I heard him become irritated at the fact that he couldn’t upset or rattle me. Even his parting words, “If I were you, I’d watch for your safety,” made me laugh. Do I fear for my safety? No. And when I replied, “go ahead,” his frustration hit its high and he hung up on me. I do not fear justice. I fear never loving anyone again. I fear never trusting anyone again. I do not fear doing what is right; I fear doing nothing at all.
Happy New Year, everyone!
that is what i need to do make him pay for all the holes in my walls broken remotes and phones and how long until we can be strong all day long i try to do the everything was a lie or is a lie to keep myself from guessing but i still care and i hurt alot i want to hate him and he left me 3 weeks before christmas wouldnt even talk to me knowing i could loose my house and now 2 weeks after christmas he wants to hang out with us and try to lay rules if he were to come home and the things that i do wrong reasons that he left or is at his mommys ( he is 44) wow when i reread what i write i know the advice i would give but why wont i listen had a fit because i took our daughter to see sesame street where did you get the money how did you pay your housepayment i must be rich because i had 2 doc appt. and i used gas to get there he knows i am struggling and dosent even offer to help who is this man well he has lived here on and off for 3.5 years never helping financial 2 months he didnot like where i was working so he finally says i will help you with the bills so i quit and guess what he moves out all of the sudden starts fights accuses me of running around on him dosnt like my friends now. so he knows that i am not working and was dependent on his portion of the money i have other sources so i always brought more money into the household but i had quit my job and the kids would be out of school for 3 weeks for christmas and i was stuck no babysitter and no job last time he moved out if forget why this time he was over my house on thursday nd friday spent the night had no money for his daughter left sat morning with a probably be back this evening and took another female out sat night of course it was my fault because i was working at a place where my old old boyfriend would go (reastaurant with a bar) so i was running around on him i wasnot i just needed a job and this one worked around the hours my children (2 of them) were in school i could take them in the morning and be home when the bus came by. our child is only 2.5 and when we went to child support ct but he told them he lived with me ( he just moved back when i forgave him for the date with other female) so he was not ordered to pay child support help me someone i still hurt nicbranmia@yahoo.com
Noanger: I don’t know that there’s any point in questioning why you don’t feel angry.
Everyone grieves differently (browsing the blogs shows a huge range of emotion) and anger is only one stage of a process that can last several years. You may reach it and you may not. It may simply not be “safe” for you to really feel the anger right now because you’re still dealing with your divorce and you need a cool head to get through it, so you’re denying this feeling to exist just yet.
Also, indicating you are fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing to your new man may mean you don’t feel safe acknowledging your anger in general (because you may misplace it on your man – and then you’ll definitely be saying/doing the “wrong” thing!).
Please be careful in your new relationship. You don’t sound like you’ve finished the grieving process and, if you haven’t noticed from the other blogs, you – a newly separated woman with children – are prime pickings for sociopaths. I’m not suggesting your new guy is one, but definitely pay attention to any red flags.
I am psycho too! Or am I just in reaction to his tactics to bring it out of me? This is my third day on the site and I am a recent victim of the sociopath. I have been left feeling as we all express, depression, anxiety, questioning and acting crazy. After his conning, manipulation, lies, and his twisting things around and accusing me that it was my fault. Making him angry. I should just keep my mouth shut and listen to him. I stuck around thinking I would beat him at his game. When I was able to lure him to were I wanted I would drop the bomb on him….It doesnt work- and he got me good. Taking my heart, sanity, and now money. His family members are all disturbed in their own right and he is the greatest manipulator of them. They believe his lies and excuses that his actions are in response to everyone elses wrong doing to him…Me included! Once they were part in sucking me in and now they think I am just a psycho….because of the light he shown on me. This last time he left me I have made continual calls of all kinds to him (one reason is because I wanted my money back) the other reasons I am figuring out now. I feel I am pulling myself out of a cult situation. I still want him, love him and want to fix him. WHY??? Im Working on that and keeping close contact on the blog is helping me one day at a time. One minute at a time!! I suggest the people who are in a close area,(I am in NJ) we should meet and form a support group. SS annonymous…Sociopath Survivors. If anyone is interested please email me at princessonewitch@yahoo.com
Change06. I tried to beat my ex at his own game, thought I could outsmart him and I did in some things – I played the double double bluff on him and he doesnt know everything. But I took an emotional beating for not following his plan. There was so much anxiety, grief and pain for someone who did nothing for me. He was very good at pretending and rolling things along now and again to make out he was investing in me – but I saw through it.
Disconnecting from them, as you will read from the survivors who have been down this road – have all been through similar – missing them, wanting them back to fix them – this is all part of the addiction that keeps us hooked into such bad relationships. Like any addiction, complete withdrawal is essential if possible and going through the difficult fallout feelings and thoughts that many of us have been through. It helps alot to get support and someone trusted to talk to who wont judge you. I find expressing myself through this site helps too and meeting like minded people.
I have found this to be the most helpful and fascinating website I have encountered. My sociopathic boyfriend is a classic, with all of the symptoms. Grandoise, charming, manipulating, conning, pathalogical lying. Of course we (my children and I) didn’t know any of this. It is the most painful experience of my life, as I trusted him implicitly. He is a predator and has now moved onto another victim. It has been 4 months and I am just now beginning to feel normal, “whatever that is”. I mourned him, and actually thought he had a brain tumor because his behaviour became erractic, emotionally and verbally abusive. I have done (honestly) 500 hours of research and have found broken past relationships including: 1) cheating his ex-wife out of her share of their jointly owned home, 2) swindling former best friend 3) “stealing” money from business partners 4) broken family relationships…including identical twin 5) only one long-term friend. He presently has a new girlfriend who he thinks has money, and/or her family has money and he is trying to swindle them. I called her and her family and tried to warn them, but then got a call from the police that I couldn’t contact her family anymore. So I won’t. But he’ll take everything from them too, his favorite saying is “it’s all about the money”. Fortunately or unfortunately, he is also very good in bed and is extremely convincing, so he’s really clever and capable of trickery. I have never experienced anything like this before, it’s like a nightmare, extremely emotionally devastating. Thank goodness I have finally figured out what happened, so can be on the road to healing and recovery. My family and friends have had a difficult time understanding how I have become “obsessed” with trying to figure out what happened. I was faithful and true, loving and kind with him and thought he was my best friend. He was not. Thank goodness I didn’t invest financially with him, he tried to get me to do this through many ventures, and I would have lost my shirt. Blessings to all of you who are going through or have gone through this experience it is not fun. You may e-mail me if you wish peggywhoever@yahoo.com
Dear Peggywhoever,
It’s strange but it seems we all have gone through the slueth stage and the research stage. We end up here from doing research, I suspect.
I applaud you for attempting to warn the other woman about this man and what happened to you sounds pretty typical. The Sociopath will be in a honeymoon phase with his new victim and he will already be filling her head with stories of all the women who didn’t understand him like she does… topped with over the top compliments, affection and as you said… hot in the sack sex. You can be sure that he has already primed the pump so that when you show up and try to warn someone, you will sound like the psycho ex that he made you out to be. You know how convincing they can be so you can understand how she would believe him. After all… she is in LOVE! Right?
It’s sad really but the truth will come out and don’t be surprised if one day she contacts you back after she has been destroyed emotionally and financially screwed.
About being “obsessed.” Here at LoveFraud, no one will call you obsessed because we all have gone through the same process of healing and letting go. Part of letting go, I think, is being obsessed with figuring it out for awhile. It won’t ever make sense but that is the conclusion you have to come to on your own. I spent plenty of time trying to figure out my man when I was still with him and I love what you said about a “brain tumor”. I totally get that. Their behavior is so perplexing and out of our range of experience most of the time that we think of all kinds of crazy reasons until we stumble on the definition of a Sociopath. How did you feel the first time you read the criteria and there you saw all his behaviors like a shopping list? If you haven’t found it yet, look for “DSM-IV” definitions on the internet. They are very helpful.
As for me, my early attempts to warn others backfired and ended with more people calling me crazy which at the time, I wasn’t sure if maybe I was… because feeling like you are “losing your mind” is just one of the neat benefits of your sociopathic encounter. The good news is when you realize there is nothing wrong with you… you will be stronger than ever. And I am lucky in one way… I discovered that one brave soul posted a warning in Sept. 07 about my sociopath on Craigslist in Hawaii where I used to live. That one brave person sparked a landslide of warnings.. (I have thrown a few in there myself).. that continues today. I don’t know how many different individuals are posting but I think it’s a lot as my ex, I call him “the Bad Man”, uses CL constantly to try and meet new victims. He has sex with them and then flips out on them and sends them volumes of vicious emails. If you go to CL Hawaii and use “search” feature on the left side bar, you can search for “merman” in the personals. All the emails that come up are about the Bad Man. When I was with him, he didn’t use CL back then. I am not sure if the Bad Man is a sociopath because he seems to have lost his slick side in the past few years but either way… he is dangerous, exploitive, vicious and bad news for anyone unfortunate enough to be seduced by him for even one day.
Anyway, welcome to LoveFraud and here’s to your recovery.
Aloha…….E.R.
I never learned to drive because I met P at a young age and we made an agreement that he would learn to drive first and then me, he said we couldnt afford to learn together. We got our first car and he started giving me lessons, he was so impatient and critical and joked that i wasnt a natural. I frequently just stopped and got out of the car. When I started lessons with a proper instructor my confidence was gone, I was so anxious that my knuckles would be white gripping the steering wheel and I would be physically sick before the lesson. I dont drive at all, I never passed my test because i struggled so much with the anxiety. I was driven everywhere by P, dropped at work and picked up, very convenient I thought, but I hadnt thought about the control aspect, because I dont drive I only go out with him.
The anxiety mentioned has been a constant problem for me, that awful churning, nausea and shakiness when i realised he had done something else that I found it hard to accept. I really struggle with this, because I have told him to go it is worse than ever and I cant eat, I have lost a lot of weight due to this.
I never associated these problems with him, that has given me evenmore of a reason to get rid
Dear Moraira,
I you don’t drive, and he still has the keys, but you want to sell the car, like I said on the other thread, let the air out of the tires (at least two) you do this by removing the cap (it screws off) of the valve stem on the tires. Inside after the little cap is off, is a thing that looks like a tiny button in the middle of a small metal circle. Push down on the buttton with something small and it will spew and his the air out. When the tire goes flat, do another one. He will not be able to drive the car til it is fixed. Be sure and put the cap back on after the air is out.
When he is gone, call a tow truck and have them open the car (they can do that) just say you have lost the keys, and then have them tow it to some place safe where you can get the VIN number (look on the other thread for how to find it) and then call the dealership and have the keys made from that number there. Then you can have someone drive it to a hiding place from your Husband.
Good luck dear, and keep your anxiety in check, come here and post all you need to dear! YOU CAN DO IT for you and your daughter! (((hugs))) and I am keeping you in my prayers!