The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
recovering:
how she has time, I don’t honestly know…but she has been doing this shit for decades.
She spent about 2 hours a day on the phone with me – then there were email and email from the sock puppets—-and she also had to deal with whoever else she was conning too.
basically, the rest of us are just slackers 😉
I remember one day when i must have spent 5 or 6 hours with ‘him’ and the sock puppets. that was one of the ‘suicide’ attempts.
oh lordy, was i ever suckered in.
I swear, no other personality could have gotten like ‘he’ did. but from what i have leanred here, ‘he’ was tailored for me, both as a risk taker with big empathy, and as the woman with the personal traits, likes, needs, desires and values I have.
i don’t think she works. most con and sleaze there way around. lots of them have more than one ‘family’ at a time. oh, and i hear she has married (a man). no REALLY! But i think she only targets women, and as a man. here i was all excited that i met A BOY i liked. hahaha. wasn’t turned after all!
OneStep – you never physically met this person did you?
Henry –
Noooooo, and I TRIED SOOO HARD, BUT HE KEPT DYYYYYING!
I was on line and on phone since late march/early may. daily. with him and his 2 sisters and bf and bestfreind and ………….
i met hm on a fetish website. his 24/7 dom was dying of cancer….so i responded to his journalling.
he was supposedly AHDH, dissociative, ASD, hypoxic, had 2 open heart surgeries duirng this summer, had been abused by his dad and used to ‘pay’ his dad’s gambling debts, had been blah blah blah…………………………………………………………………………………..and on and on and on.
AND the sweetest most open guilless creautre, whose ‘religion was kindness’ ( inkow the dali lama will forgive her that one)
‘he’ died in sept. then his incestuous sister killed herself 2 days later, then his ohter sister started up a relationship of friendship with me, then his new boyfriend killed himslef a month later, THEN ‘he’ rose from the dead and fucking called me on the phone.
then his sister threatened me. then the lastes sock puppet threatened me online for about a week. I didn’t respond to this shit.
she carries on unhindered online.
She is a career spath. Someone else is suing her. I will help in any way I can.
ouuuu, i left out the three suicide attempts AND the dying phone call.
and the being airlifted to houston from ireland for experimental heart surgery………..
and would you like to see my cache of 50 pictures of ‘him?’ someone else on the site says there were hundreds in total.
I WANT TO KNOW WHOSE FUCKING LIFE SHE STOLE!
I am quite pissed about this tonight.
OneStep – I didnt meet my X online..but after the split I spent way too much time on the net. At one point I had it turned off for about 6 months. It was very sobering. There is life with out the internet. I really came face to face with me. We can get caught up in the machine.
henry:
I am glad that you walked away from the machine.
I have not spent much time online in terms of meeting people. a couple of months before i met my ex N, and about a week when I met the spath. pattern?
It is hard to meet people – I know i have expressed this before to you. not only lesbo, but kinky, so not so easy in the small uni town. and i didn’t want to be alone anymore- spent 18 years alone. And i already belong to a gardening club 😉
I work online. I wish that I did not.
I also have many contacts from traveling and living overseas, so the internet has always been a way to keep in touch with them. Because i traveled so much all my music is loaded on my laptop – i should burn some Cd’s so that i don’t have to fire up the computer.
lots that lures me to it. and being real poor – it is a cheap way to entertain myself.
yes, i spend too much time online.
I didnt mean to offend you.
I certainly understand how the computer can become our friend and companion and a source of intertainment. I have my addictions as well. I grew up in a world with out the machine and I can see the negative things it has done to me and the world just my humble opinion as I sit here staring into the box…
henry –
you didn’t offend me.
i didn’t touch a computer until i was 30…
Dear all, I have to vent again. X wrote me yesterday a card stating that he now is drinking the wine I brought when we were together for happy occasions, and which I told him a year ago (after the split up) either to bring to my sister who lives in the same town or to have them for himself (as a fee for the psychological help as an eye opener). He wrote that he wanted “to make it clear to me that he is now drinking those bottles, with good manners and dignity, i.e. without my girlfriend, and opening each bottle he cheers to my happiness. Kind regards, merry holidays and lots of love X.”
I shivered while getting the letter out of the letter box yesterday, and just opened it today. It was a major trigger as he never ever referred me being HIS GIRLFRIEND (he always stated me being his PARTNER), and I felt sad. Not being part of his world anymore, imaging us drinking this wine in the corner of his cozy kitchen, with the special lamp he bought; but then I looked at the letter with the stamp on it with the airplane on it and I remembered the moment when the mask fell when he told me after a beautiful day when we were flying and he was the pilot that “he does not care who is in the back seat”!
On friday I also had the yearly evaluation with my boss who for the first time acknowledged that I could have been mobbed by his crew and that he failed to prevent it (in the same breath he mentioned that it is my fault too!) Because I did not go to the commity on Mobbing in the hospital (no use as all the members are friends either with the boss or the main mobber), I got a special bonus for “Loyality”! And I made sure that he knows I have something in my hands to ruin his impeccable reputation as a marvelous boss. No use to waste any more energy on this jerk!
And he has no clue that I will resign in 10 days or so! 😉
Thanks for letting me vent. I sure trashed the card of X, and I made a vow today not to open any of these poisonous messages from the past anymore but trash them unopened.