The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
libelel,
i am so glad that you figured this out sooo quickly.
I came to see that, ‘to make it clear, or i see clearly now, or I want to make sure you understand’ were preludes to sentences dripping with serious mind f*&kery; ALWAYS exceptionally manipulative.
the spath i tangled with wrote a pulbic note to someone else she duped – a rant agaisnt the woman taking legal action against her, that ended with ‘love ya too. mean it too. and raise you a miss ya.’ THEY ARE JUST INSANE and I a glad that you are away from him.
And VERY glad that you will be moving away from this horrid job situation. GOOD FOR YOU! HANG IN THERE!! 😉
one step
Henry, congratulations on being almost 2 years no contact.
My relationship lasted 1.5 years, but I have had limited phone contact with my ex in the last few months because I still owe him money he loaned me for my business — he checks in periodically, and I feel it’s rude for me to hang up on him (that would make me like an S, wouldn’t it? — to completely discard someone whom I still owe money). He is a N/S, but I also participated in the situation — the relationship dynamics and accepting the money from him.
So I have NC physically. Like you, I find great comfort and support here at Lovefraud to keep my resolve to stay focused on learning and not get into the la-la land of false hopes. It’ll probably be 3 to 6 months before I can pay him back in full, even with deductions I’m taking out, which I told my ex I will do.
I am able to practice boundaries with the ex even with periodic phone calls about repayment of money. Although I sometimes still chew him out, I cut the ex off when he attempts pity stuff. I remind myself that it was hard to have a healthy relationship with the equality and co-responsibility I need, and this is important for me as someone who has been working most of my adult life on recovering from co-dependency issues from my family-of-origin.
I have embraced my own Shadow and love knowing I have a choice about how to think and behave. I simply trust myself more and no longer feel overly obligated to engage with toxic people beyond certain points, same as I set boundaries with some family members who are still in my life but do not directly impact my daily life. That brings freedom in itself to know one has options about terms of engagement — no more enmeshment, or feeling one has to carry most of the weight for such relationships — just let things be.
In some ways, the experience with my ex served me well because it forced me to these new levels of self-awareness and taking greater ownership for my own well-being. So I’ve become less angry at him and see more of the blessings that have evolved, including less interest in co-dependency control tactics and more acceptance that there are different people in the world who want different things.
Like you, the more I learn about personality disorders, the more I’ve moved away from being interested in potential mates who need “fixing” (this was an unconscious motive obviously — another result of being a caretaker in my family of origin where I had adult responsibilities as a child and “nurtured” several alcoholics in my family). No wonder I went on to get a master’s degree in the helping professions.
So it is what it is. I understand why complete NC is the ideal –the blocks of time completely away from my ex have helped me mentally detox from the non-sense, and my current situation is manageable. I’m now doing lunch outings with new men, some with potential to become friends — a big step in knowing I’m slowly opening to new M/F relationships.
I believe maintaining boundaries and knowing my limits will keep me clear about focusing on my needs while also respecting the right of others to be who they are — whether they want to grow and become mentally healthier or not is their choice.
recovering,
my spath promised me money. i never thought about how that would be if it had actually come through . thanks for this post cause it gave me some info.
i understand and applaud your sense of ethics re paying him back. and in my ‘death and destuction to all spaths phase’, i’d love it is ONE OF THEM LOST MONEY. forgive me. I am not suggesting it, just saying….;)
one step
thanks to you all for being here.. I dont trust myself to let him talk to me – it’s about that twilight zone thing…I dont like that feeling of having to look over my shoulder again – two years and no sight of him – sheesh – my friend says I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he is trying to get his foot back in the door – i think it was LOOK at me _ I am fine with out you…
Dear One-step,
You mention reading or rereading e mails from the/a spath that targeted you.
I suggest that you go NC with this person and that you do not either READ any of her blogs, or e mails or anything else. This person never really existed except as a FAKE, and rereading those e mails keeps you involved emotionally with this. The REASON that NC is so important is that it keeps them from being able to “reinjure” even emotionally our souls by contact with their toxic logic.
I know it is “natural” to want to keep up with what they are doing or saying or posting on web sites, but I think strongly that if they are on a web site, we need to avoid it—what do we care what they say about us to people we really don’t know or interact with in RL. It is a cyber world, not the real world.
While I “love” this site, if it began to give me pain and was frustration and fighting all teh time I would leave here. It is not worth it to get myself upset and stay that way. One of the reasons I have been around 2+ years is that Donna runs a good ship and there is seldom any flamming or problems here, but I left another site because it had too many frequent problems and I would do the same here if this became problematic.
I have lots of “friends” here that I adore, and would lose contact with them if I left this site, but at the same time, if staying here was problematic, I am not going to tolerate problems in my life. I have removed REAL PEOPLE out of my life for drama and such, so removing a web site is NOTHING compared to that if it is TOXIC and painful.
Dear Henry, I just would like to repeat what my mother told me this morning as I told her about the “Happy letter” X was writing to me.
X is NOT HAPPY!!! If X was happy he forgot about you and the rest of the world and would wish you the same happiness he is experiencing but he would not bother showing it to you. X wants to reel you back in in case the truck-guy kicks X out (and he will sooner or later kick X out!).
“I dont trust myself to let him talk to me – it’s about that twilight zone thing”.
I think you already talked to him BY NOT TALKING.
Remember 80% of conversation is non verbal. You stepped out of the twilight into bright lights! Towanda, I just can repeat myself. You did great!!!
hey oxy
i am moving my way through this situation the best I can. reading and learning from the wisdom of others, and using my own wisdom.
i went to that email because it was in my mind a lot – going to it allowed me to SEE her insanity. and that is important. and to put it here is a way to reveal it – to have support and let the light of day settle on it.
i do not spend time on her sites. i went recently to catalogue things for the lawyer. i also do not spend time on the site where we met. this is a BIG shift from having gone several times a day compulsively just a few short weeks ago. I DO have someone watching her, and i am unravelling what that is about for me.
‘he’ was real to me. that although ‘he’ wasn’t in my physical life, ‘he’ was in my day to day life on phone for months. i am not removing a website- i am removing a person, no less real or fake than any other spath. Different than having them in hardcopy – yes. but, so what?
I see the wisdom in NC. It takes as long as it takes each of us to come to different stages. respect that this is a process for me.
One Step,
Being emotionally invested with an S/P/N is being in love with an illusion, no matter how you look at it. So I have no doubt that your investment emotionally isn’t much different than anyone elses. When broken down it is like being in love with something that isn’t REAL anyways, even if there was a physical “body” involved.
But the N/C part of it would be the same…..The reason N/C begins to help us detach is that we do not know of the daily drama/whereabouts/or ongoing affairs, cons or whatever the person in question might be doing.
Even “hearing” this stuff from a third party of what is currently “going on” with your X can be harmful to you in the respect that it keeps “stirring the pot” so to speak.
It is like picking the scab off of a wound every time it begins to heal….There is that “re-injury” everytime you hear “new” news about what they are “up to”.
I think that is what Oxy was saying to you….
You might have your reasons for not going complete N/C, but there will also be the side effects. And the side effects are that it will SLOW down the healing process considerably. And it is very easy to get “stuck” there.
Any space in your head that is consumed with “them” is less space AVAILABLE for thoughts of you and what is in your best interest as far as healing goes. It keeps that anger simmering and other emotions you are feeling towards the X as well.
Does that make sense to you?
There really does have to come a time when it isn’t ABOUT them anymore. Not why they did do it to you or why they continue to do it to others.
It is all easier said than done, of course. But by not having complete N/C it is almost impossible to not take up valuable space in your head. That is why this is something everyone here continues to talk about…..Total N/C is the only thing that has proven to be something that gives us the power that we need to take back, in order to move forward.
one_step_at_a_time: thanks for getting that it is about my own sense of ethics re: paying someone back for a loan I got.
I also understand your challenge about and reasons for not going complete N/C, and the potential “side effects” mentioned by witsend.
I think being honest with yourself is the most important thing, especially when you have unfinished business with someone. I’m sure you will take Oxy’s comments into consideration as well.
As someone who has occasional phone contact with movement toward full NC, I have to stay cognizant of the potential for sly manipulation from my ex in the form of being nice, because he was very helpful to me with work-related chores (my business is home-based). I know this could be risky, so want to be aware at potentially vulnerable times like when we have major snowfalls/ice and I need help shoveling or around the Holidays when most of my family is not nearby. My biggest challenge from the occasional call is to not allow myself to get irritated enough with non-sense from the ex that I might go into “counseling” mode –it helps when I tell him I’ll charge for the phone time and deduct more money from what I owe him. LOL
libelle Thanks. I have not felt that twilight zone thing for a long time, only when I think back to the whole toxic episode when he was here. I have moved on so far, I am really making progress in disecting what happened in my past life that brought me to that low point with him. I have been no contact close too two years. Has been a struggle but I feel like I had no other choice concerning him. You are right about verbal communication, if I knocked on someones door knowing they were standing on the other side refusing to answer, I think that would speak volumes to me. I have no third partys to convey any news about him. He is not happy, I could see that through my bamboo shades enuff to see that nasty scowl on his face. He is misersable. His family dont want anything to do with him on holidays, so I guess he is feeling unloved and decided to harass me for intertainment. But what you all here know about they way he has affected me, he will never know or care or understand. And I sure as hell will never let him know how much energy he has taken from me..hes a sad scarey guy, I tried to help him, but ….he see’s it like he has done nothing wrong – like he was the one that wronged…whats he doing driving 45 miles to see me if he has a beau at home?