The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
recovering – the fact that you are repaying any debt to him – fair or unfair shows you respect yourself. And you are a good person despite the asshole he is…
henry — thank you for your kind words. I’ve changed somewhat because of the TZ encounter with the N/S — I integrated my own Shadow in positive ways to serve me well with a little bit of edginess, no longer obligated to allow all who want to be part of my life to do so unless they are capable of reciprocal relating — but my core values remain in tact.
So, your ex is driving 45 miles to see you even though he has a beau at home. And acting as if he’s done nothing wrong, like he was the one that wronged. You are definitely being tested after almost two years of NC.
Do you still feel empathic/tugged at to want to help him in any way as you tried to do in the past?
Dear Henry,
To answer your question—he was just overcome with sentimentality about the cat he abandoned 2 years ago and he just had to come out and search for her here at Christmas time, he just couldn’t stand the thought of her being cold and hungry! LOL ROTFLMAO HA HA HA AH HA CHOKE, SNORT!
Brings a tear to your eye about his caring, doesn’t it? NOT!!!!!
Nope – not in the least, glad he is doing well and driving a expensive truck, he was homeless and on foot with no drivers license when I took him on. I told him once ” why dont you find a sugar daddy with money instead of sticking around here pretending to love me just to keep a roof over your head?’ this just makes it even more apparent that he is heartless and mean spirited..
oops posted over you Oxy – my Nope response was to Recovering…Ox the fact that he walked around my house before knocking was ballsy..then he drove over to neighbors was even ballsyier as they know he is a physco… I noticed he didnt stop at the old hags place across the road to get him some tho – but her husband was home or he prolly would of..
I recently read a book that I cannot recall the name of, but in describing different personality types of men that we date, the ladies’ man comes remarkably close to that of a sociopath, at least in the beginning stages of the relationship. I may not be able to say this exactly as the author says, but…with all the lavish attention and praise that he bestows on us, we think we are falling for him, but in essence what happens, is that we are falling in love with ourselves. We are able to see ourselves in the way that “he sees us”. So that when it is over, it is as though we have not severed a relationship with him only, but with ourselves as well.
In the case of the sociopath, all this just seems to be magnified because you never get any solid answers and you are left to find closure all on your own.
I am very thankful to have found this website and in the last week, it has helped me tremendously. I actually almost 🙂 went all day today without thinking of him.
For those who may be new here and/or just discovering what your ex may be all about, one of the first things I read that made my blood go cold, was a website on “psychopathic predators”. I found it while googling emotional closure and it was the first time I was face to face with the enormity of my situation.
Gettin’ better every day!
di posted on this thread in December – around the time i first came here. i sound pretty clear about where i was at.
but i don’t remember reading this post. BUT IT IS SO RIGHT ON TO WHAT I KNOW ABOUT WHERE I AM, RIGHT NOW!
A letter from a another friend tells me-
What to do? Go on about your life and enjoy it the best you can and be the person you’ve always been, especially the person you were before he came into your life. That foray into Hell was a blip on the radar for both you
And this reminds me that the key to it is making the event small. How? Increase the altitude of your perspective. Go up 10,000 feet out of the details. in the detail, a spath can and will bury you. At cruising altitude, they become much more visible. The trick is to stop short of going into outer space.
But, if you are going to contemplate a deeply spiritual approach to the thing, then that too is going to allow you to find a place of being integrated in yourself to move on. Comfort and protection from Angels who have way more experience than you do with fighting this battle and most of all, peace.
Skillet boinks don’t work unless you let them and I know that what a horse told you yesterday is that if you are clear about who you are, they are cool with it and if you are respectful you are a desirable companion. I am sure a horse told you – you’re good to hang with because horses are very accepting and to a horse, a companion to stand in the sun with is good enough.
Horses are so cool.
You are cool. Put on your aviators and take it up 10,000 feet.
This article is so right-on. Mirroring by sociopaths makes you think there is a real connection, soul-mate. Typically, endings are swift, which sets rumination into hyper-drive. WTF? Sociopaths often employ some pity play, reinforcing ruminations. “If only… If he lets me, I can fix him…” More rumination.
I can attest that depression and rumination go hand-in-hand. Acting out via alcohol or drugs, sex or spending is only a short-term relief; the end result being increased depression, increased rumination. Flight leads to isolation and nothing is worse for depression than isolation.
I did all of that and more trying to forget my experience with a sociopath. I drank heavily and occasional took drugs. I probably had 100 hookups in 9 months, maybe more as I cannot remember many of them. I gave up my apartment in New York City and went on a world tour: Montreal, Berlin, Budapest, Quebec and St. Petersburg, Russia. Drinking, drugging and hooking up. All the time knowing I had a serious heart condition.
I guess I figured if I was going to die young, I was going to die happy. However, I was miserable and broken. But nobody knew. Everyone was envious of my rock-star life. Now I know why so stars die of overdoses. They have what everybody seems to want, but really have nothing.
In Berlin, I reached an emotional bottom unlike any before in my life. Interestingly, it happened at a concert. I was seeing my favorite band Muse or the first time. Unexpectedly, they played the haunting song “Starlite”:
“Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
The Starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
My life
You electrify my life
Let’s conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive
I’ll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
I’ll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations, YEAH
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold”
Nothing could have better summed up my life at that moment, 4000 miles from home and alone.
I lost it. I don’t remember the rest of the concert nor how I got back to my apartment.
I week later, back into New York, I went tomy first AA meeting. That was 6 months ago. I have not had a drink since. Nor any other acting out as well. Only then the emotional healing began.
While open-heart surgery has now made the emotional healing process more difficult, I can honestly say at least the emotional attachment is broken. Much of that is due to what I learned here but a lot of it too is from not being depressed all the time.
As my physical recovery continues, I will be able to do more and more. The occasional bouts of depression will lift. I will regain all the life I had before the sociopath. Jamie will fade away because I need to let him go. Now, finally, when I feel good, I don’t think about him much.
If there is a “Higher Power” to all this, while meeting Jamie was the worst thing that ever happened to me, in some ways it was the best too, as my relationship with a sociopath forced me to confront all the issues that left me vulnerable to such a person and from being the person I always wanted to be.
Behind Blue Eyes:
I found the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pgum6OT_VH8