The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
Hey Oxy, I just don’t want to mis-lead anyone or mis-represent myself….I spent 9 years in AA, sober. I went to out patient treatment for 2 years…I attended coda meetings, alanon, and looked into LAA. I raised my kids, got a degree in Lit, and started an MA in English….was two courses from finishing….started drinking again, met the spath, and you just don’t want to know what hell I saw then.
I’m much better now, but still imbibe now and again……
Matt,
You have to look at junk food differently down this way… Try crabcake sandwiches at the capital farmer’s market- used to be the BOMB!
Pizza – notso much. Oyster PO Boys are an acquired taste and shad roe? Don’t let anybody fool you- its nearly poison .
Down this way? BBQ. Pulled Pork. Its everywhere. Its the junk food. That and crabcakes.
I’m a refugee from Phila. I drive to get a cheeseteak. You are right, its not the same….
You call that paper thin crap in NYC pizza???? 🙂
Everybody knows the best pizza in this country comes from CHICAGO!!!!
ooohoohooh whats the famous deep dish pizza in Chitown- a friend had some flown out to me and it was awesome1
In Washington state we have alder smoked salmon, and wild blackberry cobbler. We have yellow chantrells (a wild mushroom) and razor clams….
Florida, where I live now, boiled peanuts…an aquired taste, but very good. Turnup and collard greens, also very good!
Grits….not so much.
Oxdrover;
When I met Jamie, my words to him describing the relationship I sought were very real — one not based upon loneliness or an need to feel complete, one not a codependency. I wanted something real, continually fresh, knowing that to have such a relationship requires work and the understanding that gay relationships are particularly difficult to sustain. Above all, one based upon trust and honesty. Little did I realize…
I also did not realize that at the time, I was not capable of such a relationship. I had to many underlying issues that needed work.
I joined AA because I had a drinking problem, I was not the classic alcoholic and I can stay away from alcohol without AA. I stayed to work on the underlying issues that caused me to drink so heavily not only in the time since Jamie, but in the couple of years prior to meeting him.
Many in the rooms have very serious problems. Some have made remarkable progress. Some are still dry drunks. I met a couple of guys I like, but all raised red flags and I stayed away. Plus, I want to take a couple more months to be fully recovered from my surgery until I even begin to think about dating. During that time, I want to reconnect with and expand my circle of friends, become more service involved outside AA, and resume all my activities.
I still don’t think he won’t because 1) he holds grudges; 2) probably was tracking visitors to his profile, so he knows I saw it. I will be ready if Jamie contacts me.
I mentioned that 10 years ago, I was in a similar situation with somebody else, although not as devastating to me as was Jamie. After not seeing Paul for several years, I ran into him in a gay bar. We met this other guy and the three of us spent the night dancing. Shortly before closing time, Paul said something very interesting: “let’s go home.” I thought that both curious and presumptuous. I turned to Paul and said “I am going for coffee with Andre…”
This was not an act of spite on my part. I simply liked Andre. Paul had lost his charm over me. Paul and I went out several times. Paul tried to manipulate a sexual encounter — “let’s spend a weekend outside the city together…” I just wasn’t interested. Paul, a bisexual, started dating a female coworker and faded away. Andre and I are still friends and have been nothing more than friends since.
Kim;
I hope your program is going well and I very much appreciate your contributions. I am not sure if I will ever go back to social drinking due to my heart problem; however, for the foreseeable future I will remain sober.
One reason being is that part of my connection with Jamie was alcohol based and I don’t want to repeat that mistake.
Blue. Very smart. I wish I had never started back. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to find out the reason I did. Still, not sure. But I’m okay. Not off the chain,,,,,Just sort of reeling from the enormous damage done, and trying to recover from that.
Kim.
I think that is very intersting about the 12 steps about the self centered fear. In this situation, I find it was my first response. How many of us suffered for not wanting to let go of the fantasy-
I was lucky, he left before the mask fell. Maybe it was slipping but he was always gentle and kind to me.
Until the day they hauled him out, I really didn’t understand about the other women and the other wife and the history. I’d seen and heard nothing that caused me to not believe. But others saw it.
Until he was gone, they didn’t come forward and the avalanche of information telling me the thing I loved caused me to be consumately afraid because on the one hand, I had to risk my lifetime of relationships and on the other the great love of that lifetime.
How terrible it was in the first days.
You mention finding faith and I think I found the thing that brings me closest to it which is learning how to be present and to connect with that greatness beyond who we are inside myself all day instead of once in a desperate while.
It feels that it makes all the difference.
Like the Fool who must pass through the tower under the moon there is a time when the secrets are revealed (or not) and then there is profound change. Even the tumult of these changes reflects the possibility of a new start, a clean slate for the old must give way.
Things are different now, and this place that I have grown into is a more real place. A place which can not be thrown over by surprises like have come and gone. But a place where I can not linger because the journey is lng form over…..
Best to you
the High Priestess
Silvermoon;
Very moving and once secrets are revealed, we cannot dismiss them or explain them away. Although we never forget the “WTF?” we can move on.