The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
thanks OXY X
Dr. Leedom,
First, let me just say that my best friend is a student of yours, and what he learns in your class is frequently injected into our conversations and debates. It sounds like he is learning from the best, and I agree with very much of what you say!
This post in particular was incredibly illuminating. The following quote describes one of my friends perfectly:
“At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.”
It seems like she is totally resigned to learned helplessness, has lost any concept of love with non-sociopathic guys and that her only recourse is wistful daydreaming about who the sociopaths in her life were before they became their true selves. It’s actually very sad. I care about her greatly, and it’s painful watching a once happy (and still very sweet and kind) girl transform from a life-loving person to a hollow, emotional shell of her old self.
But, such is the nature of the beast I suppose…
As an aside, it’s amazing that sociopaths can con women in spite of their awful pasts. The man my friend is currently dating, for example, used their first date to discuss how he spent 10 years blowing cocaine, passing out at bars, sleeping with random women, getting engaged 3 times (all failures), being duped into thinking he fathered a child with one of them (it wasn’t actually his child, so he says) and oh yes, he’s 28 while she is not even 21.
But in addition to all of that, he acted extremely interested in her, called/text messaged her daily, told her how great she was, and acted very eager to make their relationship “official” so he could “treat her right” the way her last boyfriend did not. (The prior boyfriend was also a sociopath.)
Now…as an outsider, I found it nothing short of shocking (and infuriating) that a man with such a history could win a girl’s heart so easily. But I guess, as you say, that’s exactly what they are best at doing.
I have been in and out of a relationship for four years with a sociopathic marcissist. When he gets angry he just leaves without any concern for my worry for him at all. It is like he is punishing me for not seeing things his way. He has pushed me to the point that I have felt so hopelessly alone and miserable I wanted to die. In fact, I did try to hurt myself on four different occasions. I figured it was better to die than go on with the pain of what he was doing to me. What I wish someone could explain to me is WHY I allow this man to continually tear me down, rip me apart, tear my world completely apart and then step on it as if it were just manure. I want to understand why a seemingly healthy, normal, welll-adjusted woman allows a man to call her bitch, whore, piece of —-, etc. I am 52 years old, an x-model and have had a wonderful career. Sometimes when I am all alone, I wonder so ofter why I don’t give the other guys a chance. Why can’t I even think about building a relationshiop with another person? This man is charming, handsome but souless. I know this, I have known it for a long time but why do I desperately want him in my life? For example, when we would go to the movies, he’d carress me and hold my face in his hands and I absolutely melted into him. Then, he and I could be walking out the door and if he noticed me even looking innocently at another man, he would go nuts. He would berate me, curse me, be so horribly abusive to me that I couldn’t say a word and the hell of it is, he temporarily had me convinced that everything was my fault. I would constantly be apologizing to him for this and that when I knew in my heart and soul, I had done nothing wrong, I hadn’t even thought anything wrong! I am new to this site and it is helpful to read about so many experiences that seem exactly like my own. With that said, I am still miserable, still ashamed I have let another human being destroy me in every way and I know I still love him and I shouldn’t. He has bedded five different women that I know of while he and I were together. He would use our fights as an excuse to justify his behavior. Frankly, right now, I still don’t want to go on without him yet I also know if I do I will be miserable for the rest of my life. This hold he has on me is unlike any other experience I have ever had with other men. Why am I so trapped? Why can’t I just turn my back and walk away. In Sept. of 2008, he had accused me of flirting and we had a huge argument. I couldn’
take his berating any longer and I overdosed. When he realized I had done this, he demanded I leave or he would call the police. I was barely able to walk and when he shoved me out the door, I made it to the steps and fell down them hitting my head at least three times in my attempt to get up. He heard me fall, he told me he did later, but he merely took a look at me and walked away. A neighbor called 911 to help me because I couldn’t get up. I was dying and I knew it and I wanted to. The entire time the EMS was there, he never once came to my aid, never asked how I was and worse yet, never visited me in the hospital or make a single phone call as to how I was. My God, he wouldn’t leave a DOG
hurt and helpless at the bottom of the stairs but this guy did. After I got out of the hospital, about three weeks later, he contacted me wanting to get together again and try to make it work. I WENT BACK TO HIS JERK!!!!! Not only that, I allowed him to continue to berate me, curse me for overdosing, minimizing me as a human being to absolutely nothing. As of today, he has decided that it is over yet again. I know he will come back after he does whatever it is he wanted to do while I was in the picture. I know he is shallow, I know he is emotionally void and I know he is totally souless but what do I do about myself when all I will allow myself to think about is him and not upsetting him? I feel as though I am in prison and he is my guard and he makes all the decisions, all the rules and does all the berating, criticizing and bullying. I am so tired of this cycle I could die but all the while, I want him here with me, shallowness and all. My God, what is wrong with me? Someone, please help. I am at the end of my rope in more ways than one. I just want to understand this pattern of abuse and why I allow it to happen to me.
Victim: I was once where you are. I was with my ex 2 years. He accused me of looking at guys and would flip out on me all the time. He controlled my every move. He would start fights as a reason to leave the house to cheat on my with another woman..in his head his cheating was justified. All the verbal assaults I took. I was the one who kicked him out when I found out about the cheating. I grieved for that month and wanted him to come back. I kept thinking of the honeymoon phase and desperately wanted that back. But, after away from him for awhile, I started to see the truth, accept the lies and started feeling like me again. Every month that passes, I feel more like myself. I think we crave for that honeymoon phase to return. . . but it never will. If you end it and distance yourself, you’ll see things differently. You’ll start to think about how you should be treated. All I have to do is think of the horrible things he did to me and I don’t want to go back there: He grabbed me by the throat spit in my face, called me a “wh%#!” took all my money, cheated, lied, all the time calling me “fiance” and telling me he loved me. You call that “love?”
Sounds like a very unhealthy relationship spiraling downhill. Things will get worse. I would get out while I can. God doesn’t want us to suffer at the hands of people who claim to love us. If this man truly loved you, he would not treat you that way. Period. And, you are not loving yourself and want to die. Over what? Him? Is he worth it??
Maybe you can tell him you think you need time alone to get some distance. Also, if you do get the courage to leave, I wouldn’t jump into a new relationship right away.
Victimx, You need to immediately go NO CONTACT with this guy. No answering the phone, the door, just cut him out of your life RIGHT NOW. You are in the grips of sociopathic manipulation and the ONLY way to break free and get your head clear is to cease absolutely all contact with him, no matter how difficult it might be.
Also google stockholm syndrome and traumatic bonding and read up on it–lots of websites have good information on it–and that will help you get a bit of understanding as to why you might feel “attached” or “bonded” to this sonofabitch. But breaking that bond will be one of the most difficult things you have ever done. (and the bond is NOT dependent on just “love” feelings, but can also still be there even if you’ve developed some feelings of hate).
Unfortunately, you are probably right that he will attempt to come back once he has done whatever it is he is doing because he will assume he has you under such control that it doesn’t matter how he treats you, he can always return when he gets in the mood to do so. BUT if you go no contact, and that means literally NO CONTACT, because even one phone call that you answer will leave yourself open to being manipulated by him again. You don’t have to really understand at this point WHY, just understand that regardless of why, you are still very susceptible to him, thus the need to take no calls, do not open the door to him, just cease contact.
Victimx, If you have not already done so, you really should also see both your Doctor and also a therapist and discuss your suicide attempts, and get help with your depression. A good support system can help you in coping with your feelings. And keep posting at Lovefraud, and vent your feelings and doubts here. We understand as we’ve been there too.
Dear Victimx,
I’m sorry you have been in such agony for so long, but you have made a step in the right direction, you have acknowledged what your “boyfriend” (for lack of a better word) is and that is the first and biggest and hardest step.
We can’t change them, or the way they treat us, and they don’t want to change how they treat us. The best thing we can do is to get away from them, out of the chaos and insanity that they have mad eour reality into.
You do not deserve to be treated this way, to be cursed, blamed and belittled. No one who loves you would treat you this way.
Learning about how they act (almost by the sociopath’s play book) willgive you knowledge and knowledge will give you power and strength. YOU CAN DO IT. Jen’s suggestion of NO CONTACT AT ALL, NONE, NADA, ZIP, ZERO, absolutely no contact, no phone, no mail, no answering the door is the way to escape and will lead you to sanity and peace. It will be a long hard struggle, I admit that, but it is WORTH IT TO BE FREE. YOU ARE worth it. God bless you.
I sincerely thank all of you for your advice and I know I should have zero contact with him but there is a part of me that “thinks” I need him and I know in my heart, if he would call right now and ask me to come back, I probably would. I would do it knowing full well that the cycle will happen again and again. What is wrong with me? I attempted suicide and this last time I almost succeeded. I want to live. I have four wonderful, successful children and a beautiful grandchild. Somehow he takes all that away from me, tells me I am fat, ugly, sick, crazy, etc. I am not those things but I am controlled by him and I don’t want to be. I am in counselling and my counsellers very words were: “Some day I want to seer you walking down the street and when I talk to you I want you to tell me that the SOB is out of your life and you will never let anyone in this world treat you like crap ever again”. I want to get there, you have no idea how badly I want to get there but this “hold” he has on me is absolutely blowing my mind. I used to be strong, determined and confident and now I am afraid to speak a sentence, make a move for fear of reprisal from this jerk. What is wrong with me and moreso, how to I get away and STAY away?
Dear Victim X,
Your question “how do I get away and STAY AWAY?”
You start with saying NO CONTACT. Then if you want to contact him, you come here, you call a friend, you hide in your closet and pray, you put duct tape over your mouth so you won’t answer the phone, you nail your feet to the floor, you stay home with all the blinds down, you hire a goon to smack your hand if you reach for the phone when he calls. You have a concerete storm shelter installed in your yard and the door welded shut—you do whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe. (Some of that is a joke, but I am not making fun of your pain) I think everyone here can tell you how difficult it is to go NO CONTACT, you are like an addict wanting a FIX. You know that ifyou get a fix you will die, but your brain wants it anyway, so you do whatever you have to do to STAY SOCIOPATH FREE. Once you “sober up” (and you will) you can start to heal, but as long as you are “mainlining” there is no hope that you can quit, or get out of the relationship. It is just like with AA or NA you have to stay 100% away from the “substance of choice” (in this case the man).
I CAN TELL YOU IT IS TOUGH, BUT IT IS WORTH IT!!!!!
You have acknowledged that you have let this person have power and control over your life and that doing that is making you try to hurt yourself. If you want to live for your lovely children and grand child, do it for them. I’m not trying to “guilt” you (ok, well I am I guess) but if you commit suicide do you have any idea how that will HURT THEM? If that is the only thing that will keep you from harming youself, or going back to this man, then USE THAT. Use anything that you can, but CHOOSE TO LIVE. My sociopaths were my own blood family, I had to cut myself off from them in order to live, I CHOSE TO LIVE and I am so glad I did. God bless and keep you, X. I will keep you in my prayers.